The drive back home passes in a blur. I find I'm early enough for lunch and I'm hungry, so I throw in some salad as I fry the fish. I text Charlie, but the message remains undelivered, I try not to worry too much, he may just be out of range.
As is my habit lately, I tidy around the house to relieve my stress, starting with the kitchen and finally ending up in my room sometime in the afternoon, only Charlie's room manages to escape my wrath.
I reorganise my desk, straighten out some photos I have put up on my wall, smoothen out the bed, and then finally I get onto my cupboard. It is there that I find it, sitting on the top shelf, my journal that I was putting together for him. He used to be frustrated that he couldn't read my mind, so I had started putting together the journal to record my thoughts. It was supposed to be his Christmas present this last year. I close my eyes, willing my tears back, I have cried a river for him already.
Then I take a deep breath and take the journal down from it's hiding place. I run my finger along the spine of the notebook, last time it was touched, it was touched, filled by a happier me, content me, hopeful me. I open the book, may be I am a masochist and I need to torture myself some more, or maybe I miss her, the happier me, who could open her eyes in the morning and smile, really smile.
The first time I read the diary, it's indeed torture. I'm jealous at the last year me, at her bliss. I'm angry at her that she's ever irritated, that she ever complains about the mundane annoyances, knowing what's coming for her. And then just to drive the point home, I read it again, and again.
But the third time I read it, I start finding the signs. I have always thought that my world came crashing down around my ears on my eighteenth birthday. But the signs were all over, it was only a matter of time. Even when he was proclaiming his love for me, he was dictating my movements, he was shutting down discussions about future, about my future. He had already made up his mind about what was going to happen, and that was final. Even though the young me had seen everything around her through rose tinted glasses, she had seen the signs, although she didn't realise what they meant.
There was no changing his mind, no space for discussion, once he had made a decision, I was to go along with it, whether I liked it or not. He would have kept me human, and we would have moved through the world like shadows, as each other's dirty little secrets. I would have had to move with them, leaving my family and friends behind, lest they get suspicious of my ageless companion. Why did I not see this before? Why did I not press the point? Was I really so naive? But then I remember his eyes, his sweet breath on my face, hypnotising me momentarily, long enough to make me lose my train of thought, long enough for me to lose the steam. He had used his vampire allure to make me go along with all his decisions, and I had let him. No wonder he got bored and left. There was no fire left in me, I was a shell of the person that came to Forks, smart, independent and self-sufficient. The Bella in these pages wouldn't get out of the house without his say so.
Anger burns through my veins, have I made myself this weak? In the name of love? Isn't love supposed to make you stronger? How have I let someone, vampire or not, break me down into something so small? Reading my journal was like reading a cheap romance novel. My hands tremble as I turn the page after the last entry, on the morning of my eighteenth birthday. I will start writing again, but this will be a new chapter.
xxxxxxxxxxx
I don't know for how long I write, I fill in for the rest of the days, starting from December, cause I still can't remember what happened in between. I write about the bikes, about Laurent and about my suspicion about the wolves. Good thing Charlie respects my privacy, or I will have to find a loose floorboard or something.
I only remember about dinner as I hear Charlie's cruiser pull in the driveway. I rush down the stairs to meet him in the hallway.
"I don't have dinner ready." I blurt out without preamble, Charlie blinks at me, looking exhausted.
"I'm sorry, I was cleaning around the house and lost track of time."
"Oh, don't worry about it, Bells." He pats me on my shoulder as he brushes past me, "We can order pizza."
I bite my lip, Charlie doesn't need anymore grease in his system, but it will take too long to put something together, plus I could feel the stress catching upto me.
"Um, okay." I say reluctantly.
"How was your day?" I ask after Charlie is done ordering pizza.
"We just beat around the woods till we had daylight, no sign of any wolves." Charlie rubs his eye.
I resist the urge to sigh in relief.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My confrontation with Jake on his doorstep seems to have opened the floodgate he was barely keeping closed. He texts me non-stop as was his habit before he went AWOL, random stuff here and there, which frustratingly doesn't say anything about wolves or supernatural, and I don't feel comfortable bringing the topic up myself.
Then on the next weekend, Jake texts, 'Come over, I want you to meet someone.'
Which, to be fair, people normally say when they are introducing their girlfriend. So with a huge sigh of relief I tell Charlie that I'll spend the day at the Rez and hop in my truck to drive to his house.
"Hey Bella" The sunny smile is back on his face when I pull over, that makes me hopeful.
"Hi Jake, what's up?" I return as I slam the door shut.
"So, I want you to meet Emily." He looks like an excited puppy, which is comical given he's reaching for seven feet, "Sam says it's fine."
That puzzles me, "Why do you need Sam's permission?"
"Well, Sam's the alpha, so every major decision goes through him."
I couldn't believe my ears, Sam get's to decide when Jake talks about his girlfriend?
"That doesn't sound…" I trail off, not sure how to finish the sentence.
"It is as it is." Jakes shrugs with such easy acceptance, that I start to strongly suspect some kind of brainwashing thing going on.
"Hey Jake." Someone calls from our right, we both stop walking to let the stranger catch up. He's also tall and bulky, although shorter than Jake, but it stands to reason that he's another member of 'the pack'.
"Paul" Jake doesn't sound very pleased to see him, huh.
Paul looks at me and his face take on such an expression of disdain and hostility, that I take a step back on instinct.
"What the hell is she doing here?" He emphasises 'she' the same one would if they saw their estranged ex-wife on their wedding.
"Mind your own business." Jake returns with equal heat.
Paul starts shaking with rage, my, this guy has serious anger issues, "You, you bring her into the village! As if, as if she hasn't done enough damage already!" What?
"Back off, Paul." Jake pulls me behind him, I don't protest.
"You dare order me, Jacob Black?" He growls and starts vibrating. Then several things happen at once, I try to step back from what looks to be an angry fist fight between two Olympic wrestlers, Jake tries to push me back and leaps at Paul at the same moment, which adds to my momentum and I fall over, and watch in disbelief a steel grey wolf where Paul was a second ago, snarling, and Jake transforms mid-leap into a copper coloured wolf, charging the other one.
I get up as they are distracted and start backing up cautiously, trying to ignore my instinct to just turn and run. I have seen these wolves before, I realise and running doesn't help with normal wolves, let alone giant ones, I don't want to look like prey. So I back up and chant wildlife facts to myself when someone touches my shoulder. I whirl around with a shriek.
"Easy Bella, it's me, Embry." Embry smiles at me, completely ignoring the snarling growling tussling wolves behind me.
"They- they" words fail me and I move my hands around trying to get my feeling across and end up looking demented probably.
Embry kindly ignores this and pulls me along by slinging one arm across my shoulders, "They'll be fine, come on, let's take you to Emily's."
I look back at them, Jake-wolf seems to be pushing Paul-wolf back towards the woods. "Um, okay." I say and get towed towards this Emily.
"I don't know how much Jake told you" Embry continues as we walk, "Just don't stare at her, okay? It makes Sam upset."
I'm thoroughly confused now, and I start to suspect that I am missing something important.
"Ah, I don't know much about Emily actually…" I trail off.
"Well she is the cousin of the Clearwaters', she came for a visit from the Makah Rez, and Sam imprinted on her. But you have to understand, Sam was the first to phase, and it's really hard to get control over your wolf. He had no one to guide him, so things were very confusing for a long time. Anyway so, Sam was dating Leah, and then he imprinted on Emily. Emily didn't understand the imprint stuff, so she wanted nothing to do with him. It got into a fight between the three of them, and Sam got agitated and Emily was standing a little closer than she should have been, and then, well, you'll see." He finishes the story with a grimace.
My mind is swimming with this new information. This wolf thing goes a lot deeper than I suspected.
Soon we reach the other side of the village and walk upto a quaint little cottage that looks fresh and homey at the same time.
"Emily, what's cooking?" Embry hollers, and walks straight in, as if he owns the place.
The girl that turns around with a smile has a long curtain of black hair down to her lower back, one half of her face is pretty in a way that can only be achieved by winning the genetic lottery, the other half of her face has been slashed to ribbons, that gives her a permanent grimace on that side even when the other half smiles, I doubt she can see with that eye too.
I swallow the lump in my throat and croak, "Hi Emily, I'm Bella. It's nice to meet you."
"Hi Bella, finally I get to meet you." She says as if she has been waiting for this day and sounds like she means it. I can't help but smile at her.
Leah shoots me a hateful glare from the other side of the kitchen, but she doesn't have anything on Rosalie, so I just look back at her coolly. But then her gaze drifts behind and a look of such anger and hurt crosses her face that startles me and I look over my shoulder.
Jake and Paul are walking towards the house, back to human. They seem to have sorted out their differences, as they are laughing and shoving each other. Walking behind them is a guy taller and bigger than both of them and he has an aura of authority about him, this must be Sam the alpha. Leah exchanges a terse nod with Emily and walks out of the house through the back door.
Jake and Paul piles into the house, bickering, Jake shoots me a bright grin, Paul nods at me, not looking angry at all and says, "Sorry about that." I nod back, and the matter seems to be forgotten.
Sam ignores everyone else and heads straight for Emily, he sweeps her into his arms, leans in to kiss her lips and then kisses all the scars on her face individually, she giggles and tries to push him off half-heartedly. I feel like a voyeur and quickly look out the window.
"Boys, clear out the table, please." Emily must be older than me only by a year or two, but she sounds like a mother, and all these big hulking boys obey her like one, they clean up the big dining table, and the living room for good measure, within minutes. Emily comes bearing her gifts, trays loaded with hamburgers, bacons and eggs, and all of them descend on the table like a pack of hyenas. Emily hands me a separate plate on the kitchen island with a wink. I don't feel very hungry, but I am unable to reject such sincerity, so I sit there nibbling at the bacon.
Another guy crashes into the house as the others are almost finished with their food, process of elimination tells me this must be Jared. He takes a look at the table and then looks at Emily with a heartbroken expression, Emily snorts and hands him a heaping tray. I gape at Emily, where is she whipping up all the food from, is she a witch or something?
After all the food is demolished, the pack scatters around the living room, some still linger around the dining table. I find myself wedged between the armrest of the sofa and Jacob the space heater. After some idle chatter, Sam finally turns to me, "So Bella, Jake tells me you hav already figured it out, you came to warn him about the hunting parties. How did you find out about us?"
"Um, well" I tug at a stray string on my shirt, "I head the story-the legend of the wolves that first time I came to the beach with- with my school friends. Then Vampires turned out to be real." I shrug, someone snorts. "And then I saw the wolves- I mean you guys- but I didn't know that. Anyway, I saw the wolves in the meadow, and they were too big and too smart to be ordinary wolves. So I connected some dots, but I wasn't going to believe anything until I had something solid. And then Paul and Jake wolfed out in front of me." I bit my lip.
Sam lets out an exasperated sigh, "Jake…"
"What?" Jake's voice drips innocence, "Paul phased first!"
"Shut up!" Paul pointed one finger at him.
Sam didn't facepalm, but he looked very close to it.
I waited for a couple of seconds, "Sooo, what's the full story?"
"I'll tell her." Jake raises his hand as if he's in school.
"No Jake, you have done enough." Sam shakes his head, I swallow my disappointment, "If you start telling her, she might as well be a wolf. No offence Bella" He looks at me and softens his stern expression a little bit. "You are a good friend of Jake's, your father is a friend of the tribe for even longer. We have huge respect for Charlie Swan, but some things are meant to stay in the pack."
"I understand" and I do, as much as the curiosity would itch. Maybe with time…
"What can you tell me?" I ask finally.
Sam begins, "Well, you have probably guessed most of it. As per legends, our ancestors managed to merge with their spirit animals, who were wolves, and passed it down. We think it gets triggered by the presence of a vampire. The last known wolf warriors were Ephraim Black, Levi Uley and Quil Ateara, our ancestors, they came across the Cullen Coven and agreed on a treaty. They agreed on the border between territories and that no species will cross the border without the Leader of the opposite groups' permission. For us it means the current Alpha." His gaze skitters over Jake for a moment, "For them it mean Dr. Cullen. Now that they are gone, the borders are flexible, we stick to our own lands, but if we come across a vampire who is not a Cullen, we can chase them till they are out of Washington, or we catch them." He finishes with a satisfied tone.
"Hear, hear." Paul cheers.
"What happened to the vampire you chased from the meadow?" My voice shake a little bit, but I have to know.
"Let's just say that I hope he wasn't your friend." Paul smirks at me, his tone clearly says he hopes the opposite.
"No, no he wasn't." I exhale. Jake pulls me into a one-armed hug.
"He won't bother you again." He assures me. I try to smile, but I can tell from the look on their faces that it doesn't work.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Things ease up after our little talk, Jake and I go back to hanging out as if nothing happened. I am told that I am always welcome at Emily's place, but I get tired of the glares sent my way by Leah or Paul, and either Leah or the Pack are there whenever I visit, so I make excuses and avoid visiting Emily much to her dismay. I get back to one of my favourite pastimes, riding my bike around the Rez. Things go back to normal, or as normal as it can be when I'm neck-deep in the supernatural. I should know better by now to believe that the calm would last.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jake and I are sprawled out beside the driftwood by the beach, Jake has got some of his sunny nature back, although not all of it. "So what is this imprinting thing all about?" I ask during a lull in the conversation.
"It's part of the magic that creates the wolves." Jake shrugs,
"It tries to ensure that the gene carries on, you know, so it compels you to get attracted to the most compatible partner possible, magically. When you meet the girl, it's like reality shifts, it's not the gravity that hold you to earth, she does. You'll do anything, be anything, for her." That… didn't sound very healthy, but I'm the last person on earth to talk about healthy relationships.
"And you have no control over imprinting?" I ask mainly to confirm.
"No, Sam wishes he did." Jake sighs.
"What if Sam and Leah were already married? What if Sam was gay?" I blurt out. Jake looks uncomfortable, he doesn't reply. I don't press the issue, I don't want sound like I'm criticising his inheritance or something, but it sound very oppressive, loosing your freedom of choice like that.
"Some people in the pack hate the Cullens, you know, not just as vampires, but also for triggering the gene." Jake looks at me.
"And you?" I ask, I already know the answer, I think. He doesn't reply.
"Look, I'm sorry, about the way I behaved that day in your backyard." Jake tells me after a few minutes of silence. I wait him out, he looks like he's preparing himself to say something more.
"I- I didn't really realise how things are for you." He says after some time, "Or maybe I was refusing to see, even when it was right in front of me. You know, when Sam first imprinted on Emily, Emily got really mad."
I raise my eyebrow, I don't see how I relate to Emily, or Sam.
Jake continues,"She didn't really understand that it was completely out of his control, she thought he was some kind of scoundrel to play with Leah's heart and pursue her. Added to the fact that there were all sorts of rumour circulating about Sam, no wonder Emily didn't want anything to do with him. And then Emily grabbed Leah and went to confront Sam about his behaviour. Things got heated and well, you have seen her scars. So Sam kinda went mad for a while." My eyes widen, I couldn't suppress the shudder that runs through me.
"He was overwhelmed by the rejection of his imprint, and the guilt of actually hurting her. He was heartbroken, he spent almost a month completely as a wolf, and almost feral. Then Emily walked into the woods, and tracked him down, he was trying to starve himself to death." I bite my lip to prevent tearing up, that was uncomfortably familiar.
"She coaxed him to phase back and come back to the village, she nursed him back to health, a couple months later Paul and Jared phased and they formed the Pack. Sam was the one who found you in the woods, you remember?"
"No, I can't remember, but Charlie told me."
"Yeah, that day you saw us phase, Paul was spitting mad that I invited you to meet Emily. Sam phased to stop the fight, and well" He clears his throat. "He remembered the way you looked that night. Do you know we have pack-mind when we phase? We share each other's thoughts." I shake my head mechanically, I have a feeling where this is going and I don't like it.
"He thinks you looked exactly the way he felt in those days. He was worried that you won't survive the heartbreak. And I think I get it now, so I won't badger you about dating that leech. I will be a good friend and when you say you are not ready for more, I will respect it."
"Thanks Jake, I really don't want to fight with you about stuff neither of us can change. Although I wish Sam didn't say that, it was…" I can't finish, what do I say, it was personal? That I didn't want my feelings to be compared with imprinting? That as much as I loved him, and maybe a part of me still does, I don't like the idea of my feelings being magically compelled.
"Sam can't really keep his thoughts away from the pack. Neither of us can. It sucks sometimes." Jake confesses.
We spend the next half-n-hour in comfortable silence, I lean back on my elbow and watch the waves.
"I like this." Jake says wistfully.
"So do I" I say, "I like the peace and quiet, even though you have got to wolf out sometimes and get to petrol." I grin.
"Yeah, just you wait, things will get better once we catch the red-head."
"What?" I sit up straight, It's warm day, but I feel like I have been dunked into ice-cold water.
"Oh don't worry about it. We'll take care of it." Jake waves a hand dismissively, "She's just a weird leech, she doesn't feed, just fleets around here and there, almost as if she's looking for something. God knows what."
"Me" my voice sounds unfamiliar to my own ears, "She's looking for me."