Author's Notes: I gotta admit, I was worried when I posted the last chapter! Thank you all for being awesome readers and supporting me with adding another heaping dose of craziness to poor Ranma and Nabiki's lives! Because trust me, if you thought things were swerving from canon before, now we're going to start really going off of the rails!
PsychicShipping: I'm so glad to hear that you loved the "lots of pointy consonants" line - as much as I try to add good emotional moments to my work, the truth is, I'm actually very bad at reading or gauging emotional impact. It would really mean a lot to me to have folks adding the "Crowning Moment" type entries to this fanfic's TVtropes page, because I so want to know that I am actually writing stuff that people think is funny, or badass, or whatever.
Chapter 15: A Long Lost Saotome? Okonomiyaki Vengeance!
Thunder cracked ominously in a dusky sky dark with storm clouds, hanging heavy and oppressive over Nerima's Furinkan district. It was the kind of environment that drove most people with any sense indoors to the comfort of their living rooms to curl up with a good TV show or a nice manga as they waited for dinner.
Except for three distinctly unusual residents, who instead were slogging through the dismal yet still fortunately dry streets at a steady pace.
"Yeesh, where's that stupid lot?" Ranma complained.
"If I remember the address you gave us right, it shouldn't be much further," Nabiki croaked, frowning and gingerly rubbing her bruised throat again.
"Look over there!" Shampoo suddenly interjected, pointing across the block. Through the gaps of a partially constructed fence, they could see Kasumi kneeling beside something indiscernible, and the three teens powered towards the eldest Tendo daughter.
Ranma was first on the scene, eating up the distance with his trademark springing leaps, and thus was the first to hear Kasumi's pleading as she bent over what turned out to be Genma Saotome, flat on his back.
"Mr Saotome? Mr Saotome, please, snap out of it! You're scaring me..."
"Yo, Kasumi, what happened?!" Ranma called, all but screeching to a halt in front of her.
"Ranma! Oh, thank goodness!" Kasumi sighed, looking up at him with relief palpably shining in her wide eyes. "Your father, he's... " she trailed off, looking down on the gobsmacked, empty-eyed expression on the elder Saotome's face as words clearly failed her.
"Kasumi?! Are you okay?" Nabiki interjected, hurrying over to her big sister's side.
"What? Oh, I'm fine Nabiki, but Mr. Saotome..." Kasumi trailed off, looking at their fallen houseguest again.
Which is when Ranma decided to express his filial concern in the most sensible and appropriate manner.
"Yop, pops, what the heck is wrong with you? Snap outta it!" Ranma shouted in his father's face, shaking the man by the hem of his gi as if he were a sack of rice.
"Ranma! That's your father!" Kasumi protested.
"Your point?" Ranma replied, looking at her with genuine confusion.
"You should be doing what he'd do if you were lying there like that," Kasumi scolded her future brother-in-law.
"That's exactly what I'm doing!" Ranma protested.
All three girls blinked and then looked at the still-unconscious Genma upon hearing that. "I suppose you have a point..." Kasumi conceded.
Vindicated, Ranma resumed shaking Genma with the proper enthusiasm, yelling in his face as he did so. "Wake up! C'mon, snap outta it already! Who did this to ya?"
With startling swiftness, Genma freed himself from Ranma's hold and angrily thumped his son over the head with one clenched fist. "Hey, I'm in shock here, ya idiot!" he bellowed.
A sudden metallic whistling noise filled the air, father, son, and unwanted Chinese Amazon tensing as one.
"Outta the way!" Ranma yelled, instinctively diving for Nabiki and tackling her away. In that same moment, Shampoo grabbed Kasumi and leapt back, whilst Genma sprang to safety, just as the biggest spatula anybody had ever seen came hurtling through the air like an iron thunderbolt to embed itself blade-first into the earth where the Saotomes had been standing.
Nabiki blinked, mind rebooting as she recovered from the sudden backwards. She took in the quivering implement that had so nearly cloven her in half, then directed her attention to Ranma, currently blinking back his senses from his position at her waist. Ranma looked up at her, an embarrassed blush visibly dusting his cheeks, and Nabiki smiled in equal parts relief and mischief. "We really have to stop meeting like this."
"Yeah... sorry, did I hurt you?" Ranma asked her.
"Nothing that won't heal - besides, better than what I would have gotten without you, my red-clad samurai warrior..." she teasingly called him, petting him gently on the cheek with one hand and grinning as he blushed all the deeper.
"Ranma Saotome!" cried a strange voice, and Ranma twisted away from his fiancée to glare at the intruder, who had taken advantage of his distracted state to retrieve their bizarre weapon and adopt a dramatic pose on the nearby fence, the dusk light and the storm clouds rendering them little more than a shadowy figure. "I'll be coming for you, next! I'd say my goodbyes if I were you," the stranger declared, pointing a finger at Ranma before springing away from the fence and hitting the ground running.
"Why, you! You come back!" Ranma snarled, lunging to give chase... when something hooked deftly around his ankle and sent him tumbling gracelessly to the ground, nose smacking hard into the dirt.
"Not so fast," Genma rumbled, lowering his foot.
"What the heck, pop?! Whaddya do that for?!" Ranma demanded, twisting around on the ground to glare at his parent.
The Saotome patriarch simply stared coldly back at his only son. "You had best keep your distance from that one, Ranma. For your own good..."
The three engaged martial artists all started at Genma in surprise, but he met their looks with his own implacable expression of inscrutability.
Later that night...
"Where have I seen him? This okonomiyaki whatsisface guy?" Ranma wondered to himself... which was rather a surprising question to be asking when one was standing on one's head, body curled up into what would be a seated, crosslegged position if only he was the right way up. He cast a suspicious look at his father, the two Saotomes having retired to their shared room after returning and eating dinner.
"Why do I get the feeling you're not letting me in on the whole story here, pops?" He added, a rather understandable question given that Genma had refused to answer any questions by Ranma or Ranma's fiancées all the way home. "What exactly did you do to this guy to make him so mad at you?"
Finally, Genma moved, turning to look at Ranma over his shoulder. "Promise me, boy. Promise me you won't be shocked if I tell you," he asked.
Ranma rolled his eyes, scoffing in response. "Me? Shocked? At something you did?" He shut his eyes and smirked at the very thought.
"I'm very serious here, boy," Genma responded.
Ranma opened his eyes, long familiarity with his father's drastic antics allowing him to not even flinch at the sight of his father down on all fours, practically up against his ear, a rare look of genuine seriousness on Genma's features. Instead, he simply cast a suspicious look at his father. "And?"
Genma grimaced at the disrespect, but pressed onward. "And so..." he began, trailing off.
"And so what?" Ranma prompted,
Finally, Genma leaned in close and whispered into Ranma's ear, "And so, I have to tell you... AAAAAHHHH!"
Ranma screamed instinctively as his father suddenly yelled in his ear, the shock disrupting his carefully maintained balance and causing him to at last fall flat on his back, twitching as he tried to recover from the sudden aural onslaught.
Genma, in comparison, drew himself back up into a dignified pose and folded his arms over his chest. "No, I must not burden you," he declared solemnly, rising to his feet as he reiterated with increasing passion, "I mustn't, I mustn't, I mustn't!" he screamed the last iteration aloud, before he found cold water pouring over his head, triggering the now-familiar transition from human to giant panda.
"Then would ya shut up already?!" An indignant Ranma screamed at the now sodden panda, tossing the emergency fire bucket he'd used to douse his father aside.
Genma growled angrily and beckoned at his son.
"I said shut up! No, too late - I don't want to hear it!" Ranma spat back, as the father and son began to brawl with their usual indiscriminate vigor.
From the just-open door into the guest room, Kasumi watched the proceedings mournfully. "Oh, my... I don't know if this is right for me to do, but if he won't tell him, then I suppose I must..." she murmured to herself.
Then she winced as Ranma suplexed his father, the impact resounding through the whole house like a crack of thunder. "Once they're done with their little games, of course..."
And so it was that about ten, fifteen minutes later, two confused fiancées and one equally confused Chinese third wheel found themselves in the garden, watching with clear confusion as Kasumi gnawed her bottom lip and wrung her hands.
"Big sister Kasumi? What is wrong?" Shampoo asked gently, reaching out to place a hand on the eldest Tendo's shoulder.
Kasumi unthinkingly shrugged it off and took a few steps over to Ranma. "I... I know that this isn't my place, but if your father isn't talking about it, then I feel I must explain what happened this evening at the vacant lot. I... I'm sorry, I just don't know where to begin," she shook her head apologetically.
"Just take a deep breath, sis; we know you wouldn't be talking if Mr. Saotome would do the mature thing himself for once," Nabiki assured her.
Kasumi visibly took comfort in her sister's words, before directing a nervous look at the only male present. "Ranma... you're an only child, aren't you?"
"What kinda question is that?" the bemused Saotome responded with many blinks of confusion. "I mean, yeah, as far as I know. No mom, no siblings, just me and the old man and the open road. That's the story of my whole life," he shrugged.
Three girls looked at him, feeling simultaneous pangs of pity.
But it was Kasumi who spoke first, asking meekly, "What if you... what if your father, that is..."
"Enough dramatic build-up!" Ranma interjected. "C'mon, Kasumi, I know that being polite is your thing, but my old man's a jerk. You don't need to worry so much about going behind his back."
Kasumi nibbled her bottom lip in consternation yet again, but then slowly nodded as the truth of what Ranma said shone through even for her. Steeling herself, she took a calming breath and began to speak. "What I heard was completely by accident, I swear... but the boy your father fought? He claimed he was the child that your father had abandoned... and your father's only rebuttal was to claim that he did it because he could barely support one of you... Ranma; your father was beaten up by your long-lost brother!"
Those words sent shock almost visibly rippling through her audience, with Shampoo audibly strangling some rural Chinese cursing , whilst Nabiki covered her mouth in horror. As for Ranma? Well, his reaction was simple, understated, and totally normal; he wordlessly keeled over sideways, head landing on one of the stones around the koi pond with an audible clunk.
"Did you know that you had a brother, Ranma? How long ago were you separated?" Kasumi asked, curiosity finally burning through her layers of reserve.
"Fuh-first I've heard of it! Wuh-wow, who'da thunk the old man had it in him?" Ranma replied, staring wide-eyed into space and chuckling the scratchy giggle of one whose sanity had just notably frayed.
"Ranma?" two voices spoke as one, with Nabiki and Shampoo both moving to try and comfort their downed fiancé... but, before their hands could touch him, Ranma sprang to his feet, he grabbed a nearby stone birdfeeder, and he tore off in the direction of the guest room he shared with his father.
Nabiki and Shampoo quickly gave chase, bounding up the stairs behind Ranma, giving them a perfect view of what happened once Ranma tore open the sliding door to his room and saw Genma, still in panda form, but now with his backpack slung over his shoulders.
"Yo, Don Juan!" Ranma hollered, flinging the stonework at his father and knocking the panda to the floor before jumping atop his prone bulk, deliberately perching his weight atop the stone for added discomfort. "Where do ya think yer going, pops?! Got any other kids you ain't told me about? Well, do ya?!"
As he spoke, he bounced in place, rocking the bird feeder to really grind the stone into his father's spine.
The panda groaned and growled in discomfort, before holding up a sign. Who says I have other children?
"Kasumi told me all about your fight, old man! Were you ever going to tell me I had a brother?!" Ranma screeched furiously.
Genma twisted his sign around, revealing brand new kanji. Kasumi misunderstood! That boy's not your brother! You're an only child!
"Well, I'd like ta say that's some relief ta know that even you ain't so low as to run out on yer own flesh and blood, but I know you, pop! If he ain't my long-lost brother, then what was he going on about with that 'abandonment' crap?" Ranma spat.
A spinning twirl of the sign, and from nowhere a third side emerged, this one bearing its own legend. It's a long story...
"Well? We listening, old fool," Shampoo interjected from her position at the door, Nabiki nodding her agreement.
Genma looked over his shoulder at the three of them, and then laid his face chin-down on the floor, closed his eyes, and began to snore loudly.
"Ah, get up, pop, I ain't buying it!" Ranma yelled, before reaching down to shout directly into one fuzzy black ear, "You hear me?!"
That gave Genma the adrenaline surge he needed to throw Ranma and bird-feeder alike off of his back and dart across to the room. There, he cowered, holding a new sign out like a crucifix against a vampire. It's for your own good, I tell you!
Ranma sat up, rubbing his head... but when he took in the cowering, crying form of his father, his anger ebbed and he sighed softly. "Pop..." he began with long-suffering exasperation. Then he shook his head. "Alright, fine, whatever..."
At school the next morning...
As the warning bell beeped its electronic tones out over the fields of Furinkan High, three teens strode briskly but casually across the ground to the front door.
"So, did your father say anything to you after we left last night?" Nabiki asked.
"My old man? You kidding? He just faked going to sleep and didn't move all night," Ranma scoffed in response. "Ah well, he'll have to come clean sooner or later," he noted, folding his arms behind his head.
"You awfully calm about this, airen," Shampoo noted.
"Well, really, nothing pops does surprises me anymore. After we dealt with Kaori and her dad yesterday, is this guy out for dad's hide really so surprising?" Ranma asked, giving the Chinese Amazon a lazy side-eye.
"You have point," Shampoo conceded."Still wish we know why this stranger so mad at Ranma too..."
"Is that why you came with us to school today? You were worried that they might try something on Ranma?" Nabiki interjected, the question having been nagging her all the way to school.
"Yes," Shampoo immediately chirped in response. 'That, and I am going to go out of my mind if I have to spend another day watching Sazae-san with Kasumi...'
"You're worrying too much, Shampoo," Ranma added, waving in unconscious reinforcement of his sentiments. "What're the odds that this clown's gonna show up here, today?"
A few minutes later, in homeroom 1-F...
"And now, class, I'd like to introduce our new student; Ukyo Kuonji," the teacher said, concluding his early-morning spiel.
A new student would have been remarkable in Furinkan anyway - that they had arrived on the heels of Ranma, who had already brought such chaos to the school, only cemented that. But the fact that the student had set up a portable grill there at the front of the classroom and was now dramatically twirling a pair of hand spatulas like some Western gunslinger, the room filled with the delicious smell of sizzling savories, was icing on the cake. Even the foreign uniform and the bandolier full of spatulas stretched over his chest paled in comparison to that little attention-grabber.
"Ukyo's the name, okonomiyaki's the game; charmed, I'm sure," the stranger declared.
"Allow me to demonstrate!" with that cry, his hands blurred into motion, scooping under the myriad savory pancake-like foods grilling on his hotplate and launching them across the room, each individual okonomiyaki landing with pristine precision on the desk of its chosen student.
Gobsmacked expressions abounded at this display, and the students quickly began chiming up. Even the teacher was busily wolfing down his serve, with every expression of enjoyment.
"I've heard of unorthodox training before, but this takes the cake!"
"Wow, try this okonomiyaki! It's delicious!"
"Crispy on the edges, but fluffy perfection in the center!"
"Taste this sauce! Man, no way this came out of a bottle - it's gotta be hand made!"
"This is the best okonomiyaki I've ever eaten in my life!" one student cried, leaping up to stand on his seat in a moment of passion.
That reaction brought a smirk to Ukyo's face. "Well, why wouldn't it be? After all, Kuonji okonomiyaki are the best in Japan - why, perhaps even the world!" he cried, brandishing one remaining pastry treat like a flag.
Akane leaned over to Ranma. "Hey, didn't the guy you said beat your dad up sent him a challenge letter made from an okonomiyaki?" she asked, trying not to be heard. Then she blinked in surprise at the lack of response, and twisted to face Ranma, who seemed to be spellbound. "Hey, snap out of it, Ranma!" she barked, anger turning up the volume higher than she had intended.
Ukyo's eyes immediately fixed on Ranma. "Ranma?" He asked, and then smirked. "Well, whaddya know? If it isn't Ranma himself!" He flung the okonomiyaki right at Ranma's face.
Instead of it going splat, however, Ranma simply caught the pancake in his teeth... and then he gobbled the whole thing down without even needing to use his hands, a feat that alternatively impressed or disgusted his classmates. He swallowed the last of it and licked his lips, then stared hard at Ukyo. "...I recognize this recipe!" he declared, although it seemed to be more him thinking aloud than consciously addressing anyone.
Ranma stood up, pointing at Ukyo. "Hey, it is you!" he cried, and this time it seemed he meant to be heard.
Ukyo smirked. "So, now you remember me? At long last..." He suddenly plucked eight spatulas from the bandolier on his chest, holding them between his fingers like shuriken as he crossed his arms with menacing intent. "This is for you!" Ukyo cried, flinging his arms wide and launching the spatulas like daggers, straight at Ranma!
But even as he did that, Ranma was already in motion; he sprang from his seat like a giant frog, scrabbling over the desks of anybody unfortunate enough to be in his way before propelling himself in a soaring leap that brought him all the way to the front of the classroom. Even as the spatulas embedded themselves in Ranma's chair and sent it toppelling over, Ranma was sailing over the heads of startled classmates to land dead in front of Ukyo, who found himself pinned against the blackboard by 1-F's resident crazy martial arts freak (as opposed to Akane Tendo, who was just its resident martial arts enthusiast).
The transfer student stared in surprise and anger as Ranma unthinkingly hemmed him in, left hand flat against the blackboard beside Ukyo's head and right hand pointing right at Ukyo's face, nearly touching him on the nose.
Ranma, however, was grinning widely, looking more excited than anyone had seen him. "You're 'Okonomiyaki Ucchan', arent'cha?" he cheerfully exclaimed, looking squarely into Ukyo's eyes.
That declaration made everybody take notice, since they all remembered what had happened the last time somebody Ranma had known had shown up at Furinkan High. Even Shampoo was busily taking notes from where she was spying on the proceedings through the window in the corridor, to which she had been indignantly banished by the teacher.
Ignoring the attention being fixated on him, the transfer student simply replied calmly, "Yes, that's me..."
"Oh, man, what are the odds?! Wow, it's been so long!" Ranma cried out gleefully.
"You know him?" Akane interjected, voicing the question on everybody's lips.
"Know him? Ucchan and I were best friends when we were little kids!" Ranma explained, still grinning merrily. "It was back when pops an' me were wandering all over Japan... we met Ukyo and his dad running a traveling okonomiyaki yattai on the shores of Osaka. Those were the days..." Ranma sighed happily, failing to notice the twitch on Ukyo's features as he did.
"You actually had a friend?" Akane asked, finding it a little hard to believe after remembering the story of Ryoga.
"Sure, we were best buddies! We liked to duel all the time - Ucchan wanted to prove his family style could keep up with mine," Ranma chuckled. "Lucky for me, his dad was an awesome cook; every match I won meant an awesome okonomiyaki for me, because that was his stake in the match. Poor Ucchan was always a better cook than a fighter..."
A wordless growl of irritation escaped Ukyo, who was starting to blush a little at this point.
Ranma didn't seem to notice. "But even despite the duels, we were still best pals - we did everything together all summer long. Ucchan never lost track of what we were doing, not like Ryoga..."
Ukyo looked surprised to hear that assessment, and even a little flattered, although he quickly went back to looking irritated again.
Ranma sighed. "Saddest day of the year for me was when we finally had to leave. Ucchan chased us down the road, calling after us... but I never saw him again."
"Yeah, about that... how well do you actually remember the day you 'left', Ranma?" Ukyo interjected, dark sarcasm dripping from his words like poisoned honey.
"Eh?" Ranma looked at his old friend in confusion.
"Think about the day... about exactly how you left, and what I did," Ukyo growled, staring at Ranma with slitted eyes.
The heir to the Saotome school looked puzzled, and then reflective. He rubbed his chin as he visibly pondered it over, and then brightened in sudden realization - only to then look even more confused than before. "Wait a minute... when I left, I was riding on your yattai! What the heck was I doing on that?! What was my old man doing with it?!"
"Oh, so you do remember!" Ukyo spat with a raised finger of outraged vindication.
"You mean your father stole Ukyo's family business, and you just went along with it?!" an indignant Akane cried out.
"Wrong! I stole nothing! Mr. Kuonji gave it to me, fair and square!" Genma suddenly roared, springing up in the middle of the classroom and startling everybody. Students jumped, some falling out of their chairs or knocking over their desks. Shampoo put her head through the windowpane and began cursing up a blue streak of muttered Chinese tribal profanities as she hastily plucked broken glass from her hair.
Once quiet had fallen, Genma folded his arms and closed his eyes. "Ukyo's father gave the yattai to me for taking Ukyo off of his hands, and that's the truth," he declared simply and calmly, doing his best to project the image of an honest and sagely martial arts master.
An image that was irrevocably shattered for those present when Ranma promptly kicked his father onto his face and drove one foot authoritatively into the now-prone man's spine. "Whaddya mean by that?! What is he to you, a litter of kittens?!"
Ukyo growled, clenching one hand into a fist. "He left me by the side of the road and took off with my father's cart..."
Ranma dug his heel into the base of Genma's spine, and then directed a puzzled look at Ukyo. "But... that don't make any sense, Ucchan? I mean, my old man's a thief, I won't even try to deny that, but even if we are friends and all, why the heck would you wanna come with me?"
At that, Ukyo reeled backwards, looking dumbstruck. "No way! You mean... you mean you don't know?" he asked plaintively, looking almost bereft.
Ranma cut him off by placing conciliatory hands on the Osakan's shoulders and patting them in unison. "Ah, don't make such a big deal out of it," he declared, smiling lightly.
"Let's let bygones be bygones, whaddya say?"
Ukyo looked shocked, and then his gaze hardened. Confusion visibly swept over Ranma's face as his old friend stared darkly into his eyes, and then brushed Ranma's hands from his shoulders. Forcefully turning his back on Ranma, Ukyo walked back over to the grill he'd set up at the beginning of class and began working at it, filling the air with the sound of sizzling batter.
"Did I... say something wrong?" Ranma quietly asked, a rare moment of vulnerability slipping out in his confusion at his old friend's behavior.
"Don't worry, Ranma... now I understand it all perfectly!" Ukyo said, his voice going from choking back tears to an angry shout as he suddenly spun around and threw something at Ranma.
Ranma snagged the projectile from the air with a deft dart of his wrist. It was another okonomiyaki, and he beamed at the sight of it. "Hey, thanks," he began, only to be cut off as a second savory pastry slapped him in the face, leaving him stunned.
As the younger Saotome stood there with his face full of hot batter, Ukyo walked over to the classroom door and slid it open. "I was a fool for believing in you," he declared in a surprisingly mournful tone. Then he whirled back to face the classroom in general and his old friend in particular, a spatula in either hand and his face twisted in rage.
"Ranma! I want you to know that I'm not through with you, d'you got that?! And mark my words; you're going to wish you never met me!" he vowed, before storming off through the door, sliding it angrily shut behind him.
A moment's silence reigned over the classroom, and then Akane gently pulled the second okonomiyaki off of Ranma's face - Genma had stolen the first one from Ranma's hand and was now greedily devouring it. Just like the one she and her kin had found after returning to their home the previous evening, this okonomiyaki was covered in kanji written in carefully applied brushes of sauce.
"Meet me at the gym after class, or else," she read aloud. "Okay, it's a little weird, but this is clearly a letter of challenge," she noted.
"Gee, ain't it just peachy how I keep getting involved in all the crimes he commits?" Ranma noted, glaring at his father, who responded by stuffing the last crust of okonomiyaki into his mouth and placing his hands together in a pleading gesture above his head.
Out in the corridor, Shampoo looked at her reluctant husband, then down the hallway that Ukyo had disappeared into. 'I had best go and inform our wife of these proceedings... strange, Ukyo's demeanor wasn't merely that of an affronted childhood friend. And that voice... I do not trust Genma's involvement in these circumstances, not one bit!'
After class...
Naturally, news had spread like wildfire and by the time school was over, students from multiple homerooms were gathering at the back of the gym, eager to see what martial arts craziness Ranma Saotome was about to bring into their lives this time.
Equally naturally, Nabiki had hurried to set up the usual gambling ring, and was raking in the takes. "Who knew getting engaged would be so profitable?" she cackled softly to herself.
"Ranma certainly does seem to get into more than his share of fights," Ryonami noted.
"Yeah, but aren't you worried, Nabiki? This Ukyo guy seems really ticked off," Kikuko asked, glancing over at Ranma's latest challenger.
"Ladies, I'll be honest; I have no idea what caused this little feud," Nabiki confessed. "And after what his father did yesterday, I don't think I even want to know too much."
Her loyal henchwomen bristled with indignation on Nabiki's behalf, having learned from her at lunchtime about Genma's phoney engagement between Ranma and Kaori Daikoku.
"So let's just accept that this fight is going to happen, Ranma's going to kick Ukyo's butt, and he's going to score us a nice big sundae apiece in the process," Nabiki continued smoothly, a little avaristic chuckle escaping her as she counted 'her' money.
"I don't know, Nabiki... I mean, this guy Ukyo even set up his own personal ring for the match. This is serious..." Kikuko muttered.
And indeed, nobody at Furinkan High had ever seen a ring quite like the one Ukyo Kuonji had spent the day erecting. The basic shape was standard enough, a raised square arena like the kind typically used by the wrestling club, but the surface of the ring was divided in half; an exterior segment that was shiny black, and a central segment that was the normal off-white of canvas. Ukyo had also placed a number of metallic containers within the ring, sitting on the black portion but within reach of the central area, where Ukyo himself was waiting.
The sight naturally drew curious onlookers... up until Ukyo warded them off with a dramatic flourish of his weapon; an enormous spatula, upscaled into the same bizarre, axe-like weapon that had been used to beat Genma Saotome unconscious the previous evening.
"Watch it! Stay back and you won't get hurt," the transfer student warned the others, now clad in the familiar blue-and-white uniform of an okonomiyaki vendor.
Once satisfied that the bystanders had heeded his warning, he brandished his battle spatula, staring into his reflection in the edge. "Ranma, I've got a special menu for ya..." he muttered, more to himself than his audience.
It was a dramatic pose that could have come right from an old chanbara movie... up until Ranma's voice entered the scene and deflated the dramatic build-up like a precisely aimed pin to a balloon.
"Hey, Ucchan, over here!"
Ukyo twisted around and saw Ranma perched merrily on one of the ring's corner posts. His eyes were closed, his lips were curled into the biggest, silliest grin that Furinkan's student body had ever seen him wear, and he looked for all the world as happy as a clam.
It was a sight that incensed his challenger. "How dare you joke around during a duel!" Ukyo growled, shifting his spatula into a two-fisted, white-knuckled grip before charging straight at him. "I didn't call ya out here to play pattycake, y'know!" he spat, swinging his spatula's edge through the air like the axe-blade it coincidentally kind of resembled.
Ranma simply leapt over the incoming attack as neatly as you please. He twisted in the air and landed daintily in the center of the arena, facing Ukyo - who immediately sprang upon his former friend, swinging his giant spatula and trying to chop Ranma down to size.
Unfortunately for Ukyo, Ranma proved as nimble as ever, effortlessly weaving around each strike. "Hey, is this any way for friends to act? Whatever happened to the good old days?"
"Good old days?! For who?!" Ukyo screamed, charging forward in an attempt to try and bring his blade into contact with Ranma's flesh.
But Ranma proved capable of running backwards, dodging and keeping up his commentary with ease. "Just what are you so mad for? Cut it out!"
"Shut! UP!"
"Hey, I ain't the one who ran off with your cart, the old man is! Look, I ain't the one who promised to take you along, so don't blame me, okay?!"
"Stay still!" Ukyo screamed, leaping into the air for added velocity and scything her spatula through the air in a mighty diagonal swing that should have cloven Ranma off at the knees.
Instead, Ranma leapt up at the last minute and, for added insult, actually landed on the upraised flat of Ukyo's battle spatula, sitting there casually even as the startled transfer student held it out at arm's length.
"Y'know, I'm beginning to think yer mad at me or somethin'," Ranma observed from his absurd seat.
"How dare you..." Ukyo hissed. "How much more am I supposed to take?!" he asked, more himself than to Ranma, before shouting, "That's it you're dead!" and flipping Ranma clean over his head like a particularly stubborn okonomiyaki.
Ranma hit the canvas feet-first, facing Ukyo - a good position, since his old friend followed up by flinging spatulas at Ranma like throwing daggers. Ranma backflipped once, twice... and then, on the thrice, his hand landed on the black portion of the rink.
"Aaaagh! Hot-hot-hot!" Ranma shrieked, leaping straight up and clutching his wrist in agony, somehow managing to propel himself backwards to land on one of the corner poles without even looking.
Genma, who had been watching from the side of the rink until now, proceeded to take an egg from his pocket and cracked it open; the yolk and white immediately firmed up with a sizzling sound as it touched the black portion of the rink. "Hot enough to fry and egg - literally!" he commented.
"That no rink - that giant grill!" Shampoo cried.
"I told you this guy was serious," Kikuko muttered to Nabiki.
"Don't be so quick to count Ranma out," the middle Tendo daughter calmly shot back.
But Ukyo wasn't content to sit on his laurels. Whilst Ranma was busily blowing on his scorched palm to try and soothe it, the transfer student lunged over to one of the metallic containers resting on the grill portion of the rink.
"And now for the next item on the menu!" he cried, making Ranma look up even as Ukyo plunged his giant spatula into a metal tub and began to twist it around.
"Take a look - I've added a few of my own special ingredients to the recipe, guaranteed to send you out of the frying pan and right into the fire!" Ukyo declared, lifting the now batter-coated spatula from its tub and flinging the gooey, doughy mass at Ranma with a two-handed swing of his weapon.
Ranma leapt from his post, somersaulting nimbly over the batter projectile - but this gave Ukyo the perfect opportunity to slide the batter vat across the surface of the rink so that Ranma landed squarely into the thick mass of dough.
"Bleugh, what is this junk!?" Ranma squawked, visibly trying and failing to pull his legs free of their new confines. "Ugh! What did ya put in here, glue?!"
He was so busy trying to pull himself out of the batter that he didn't realize Ukyo was making a follow up attack until the yakisoba noodles lashed around his wrists and waist, a sight that made Nabiki gulp nervously and gingerly finger her own throat.
"It's just your ordinary batter," Ukyo declared. "...Plus a little rubber cement mixed in!" he added wickedly.
"Let me go!" Ranma growled, trying to pull his wrists back from the noodle rope lock that Ukyo had them in.
Ukyo smirked as he heard those words. "I'll let you go, no problem!" he declared, and released his grip on the noodles just as Ranma heaved backwards, the sudden lack of tension causing Ranma to topple over float on his back, though at least it pulled Ranma's feet out of the batter bowl in the process.
Seizing the moment, the vengeful teen leapt into the air, spatula held high and with the flat facing Ranma. "And now for dessert!" he cried, bringing his weapon arcing down towards his prone opponent.
Ranma cried out and began rolling desperately to his side to evade as Ukyo's giant spatula slammed down again and again. Each revolution kept Ranma precious inches away from the crushing blade... right until they propelled him onto the scorching hot surface of the grill, sending him leaping skyward with a scream of pain.
"Personally, I prefer my okonomiyaki without the noodles, but then again, I've always been more of a traditionalist at heart," Genma mused, eyes closed as he drank in the scent of frying batter. "Anyway, could you pass me that plate over there?" he continued, eyes still closed.
Shampoo gave her unwanted father-in-law a disdainful stare, fist clenching as she prepared to feed Genma a knuckle sandwich with a side of righteous indignation.
But Ranma beat her to it, bashing Genma over the head with the steel batter bucket so hard that Genma's face was imprinted on the far side. "Would you stop thinking of your stomach for a minute and come help me?!" he screamed in Genma's face.
But whilst he was distracted, Ukyo was readying his next attack, grabbing a massively scaled up version of a traditional grill-greasing brush. "I forgot to oil the grill, silly me!" he cried, before thrusting the oversized tool forward like a giant spinning top.
Ranma glanced over his shoulder, and then deftly backflipped off of the ring's ropes at the last minute, somersaulting over the brush, which slammed into where Ranma had been with force enough to knock Genma sailing. Unfortunately for Ranma, he failed to grasp the true threat of Ukyo's latest weapon; when he touched down, he found the path it had taken to be slick with oil, leaving him struggling to keep his balance... and thus vulnerable when the brush bounced back the way it came, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the canvass floor of the arena.
And that was just the opening Ukyo had been waiting for. "This part's my own invention: tempura flakes mixed with gunpowder!" he cried, leaping forward and flinging the powder into a dusty gray-brown cloud that enveloped his opponent.
Ranma coughed and blinked watering eyes as the flakes enveloped him... and then cried out in pain and shock as the cloud touched the hot grill and ignited in a series of rolling explosions, the staccato pops and crackles eventually drowning out any sound from the heir to the Saotome School.
Ukyo watched the still-swirling cloud of tempura flakes and smirked triumphantly, slinging his giant spatula back across his spine. "Hmph. Nothing left but the cleanup," he declared proudly.
Which was when the noodles he had previously used on Ranma suddenly erupted from the cloud, winding around Ukyo's upper torso in such a way as to pin his arms to his sides in the process.
"H-hey, what's the big idea?!" Ukyo squawked in protest, the tempura finally blowing away and revealing Ranma, on his feet, head bowed and with the other end of the noodles clasped tightly in his hands.
"I've gone easy on ya cuz we were friends once," Ranma announced, before raising his head to look Ukyo in the eye. "But I'm tired of your games and the time has come that we finished this one and for all!"
And with that statement turned battle cry, he gave a mighty yank on the noodles, pulling Ukyo clean off of his feet and into the air as Ranma began to spin in place, twirling the noodle-bound teen like a makeshift flail as he did. Ukyo screamed in panic, voice sharpened to a surprisingly high pitch that contrasted Ranma's own deep growls of effort before he finally judged his velocity sufficient and let go of the noodles, sending Ukyo flying off into the sky. He hit the ground hard, but the impact burst his noodle bonds, and Ukyo promptly shook his head, scrambled to his feet and took off.
"They're taking it outta the ring!" cried one student as Ranma leaped off after Ukyo, using the corner post as a stepping stone to do so.
"Bout time you kicked things up; I was starting to worry," Nabiki muttered to herself, smirking at her fiancé.
"Friends from childhood at each other's throats! Oh, the humanity!" Genma wailed, raising his arms above his head and hunching his shoulders in flamboyant gestures of grief.
"Oh, why do they fight each other so? Tell me why; why?!" he wailed aloud in a truly primadonna expression of dismay.
"Yes... why is that?" Shampoo asked dryly, Akane nodding her head from where she had been standing away from Shampoo and Genma.
Genma promptly held up a panda's face mask on a stick over his face, making grunts that sounded vaguely like "Who, me?"
Unphased by the childish attempt to deflect responsibility, Shampoo stuck her face into Genma's. "Shampoo asking you question, big mouth!"
Genma just laughed feebly and weakly in the face of Shampoo's questioning stare, even as the Chinese Amazon's crimson eyes burned into his grubby soul.
By this point, Ukyo was in full flight along one of the fences around Furinkan High, with Ranma hot on his heels.
"Wait up, you chicken! Running away from a man-to-man fight! And here you call yourself a guy!" Ranma spat in disgust.
Ukyo ran a few feet more, then unslung his battle spatula and turned to face Ranma whilst swinging it at his old friend's head. "And when did I do that, huh?!"
But Ranma dodged the attack by falling backward onto the fence, before catching Ukyo fair in the stomach with a well-aimed kick. The blow stunned the transfer student, allowing Ranma to snatch the battle spatula from Ukyo's hands before Ranma thrust his leg forward, sending Ukyo flying off of the fence to land hard on his back on the ground.
In an instant, Ranma sprang to his feet and leapt down in pursuit. "Here's how a real guy gets even!" he spat, and swung the spatula in a sweeping arc, the blade coming just close enough that it sliced neatly through the white ribbon holding back Ukyo's surprisingly long hair, and slashed open the front of his shirt.
Ukyo quickly sat up, clutching his shirt closed as, surprisingly, a blush blossomed on his cheeks. He looked up as Ranma loomed over him.
"You got to have your fun on that little hotplate of yours... I try to be nice to you and this is how you return the favor?!" Ranma growled, taking Ukyo's giant spatula by its shaft in both hands before slowly bending it into a pretzel shape, the metal groaning in pain as he twisted it. Tossing it aside, he gave Ukyo a savage grin. "Now it's my turn to have some fun..."
Ukyo shot to his feet just in time as Ranma attacked, narrowly doding Ranma's assault as Ranma punched and kicked at him. "Ranchan, wait!" Ukyo pleaded, even as Ranma unleashed a flurry of blows that steadily drove the transfer student back. Ukyo didn't make any attempt to fight back, instead desperately holding his shirt closed.
"You started it! And don't call me that!" Ranma spat in reply.
"You jackass, I said wait!" Ukyo cried, leaping backwards onto a nearby fence, still trying to keep the rip in his shirt from spreading open.
"Stop running away! Come down here and fight like a man!" Ranma bellowed, making a leaping charge that caused Ukyo to leap away in response.
The two bounded from the fence and then from branch to branch in one of the bigger trees on Furinkan High's grounds, moving almost too fast for the eye to see. "C'mere!" Ranma snarled, making a sweeping kick at Ukyo's head that his old friend narrowly dodged.
"Why don'tcha eat some flour, ya half-baked idiot!?" Ukyo screamed back, grabbing a bag of flour he had concealed within his shirt and flinging it into Ranma's face. The opened bag slapped into Ranma's eyes, the impact sending flour gushing out and filling the air with a blinding, choking haze.
Superhuman as his abilities might have been, even Ranma found himself temporarily blinded by the attack... which proved to be Ukyo's downfall, as it caused Ranma to misstep and slip off of the branch - and as he fell, he inadvertently caught Ukyo around the waist and dragged his opponent with him!
The two teens screamed in unison as they plummeted through the air... fortunately, they were right over an equipment shed, which broke their fall. In a sense, at least. The roof gave out under the impact instantly, sending them crashing through into its interior.
A haze of dust flooded the shed's interior, which was silent as the grave for a moment... before Ranma groaned and sat up, clasping his right hand to his forehead.
"My head is killing me! Of all the dirty tricks to pull!" he groaned to himself. Looking around, he spotted Ukyo through the dust; evidently still stunned from hitting the ground, his old friend was just sitting there, presenting a target Ranma couldn't resist.
"You asked for it!" Ranma spat, hopping to his feet and then launching himself at Ukyo in a flying tackle.
Ukyo let out a high-pitched shriek of shock as Ranma's hands wrapped around his waist. Including one hand clasped to the front of Ukyo's torso... a hand that met a very strange texture; something round and firm, yet soft enough to squish under Ranma's fingers. Ranma's eyes went wide in shock as he registered what his fingers were telling him - right before Ukyo twisted around in Ranma's grip and slapped him mightily across the face.
Meanwhile...
As the students raced to the shed where Ukyo and Ranma had fallen, Nabiki stared daggers into Genma's heart. "Ukyo is a what?!" she snarled, barely managing to keep herself from screaming in front of the other students.
Thundering along beside her, Genma replied, "A girl! Yes, you heard me right!"
"Oh, oh, this explain so much! This another Kaori Daikoku, isn't it?!" an enraged Shampoo screeched, feeling no impulse to temper her rage before an audience.
BINGO! proclaimed the sign Genma held up in one hand, with the other hand clutching the panda mask on a stick he'd used before.
'Oh, I am going to put you through hell for this, you miserable old idiot...' Nabiki seethed to herself.
Back in the shed...
Silence reigned as Ukyo and Ranma sat there; Ukyo on his-no, her knees, one hand still lightly holding her torn shirt together, but completely failing on observation to hide the existence of her cleavage, Ranma sprawled dumbfounded on some bric-a-brac.
Finally, Ranma broke the silence, hesitantly asking, "Ukyo? Since when have you been a...?"
Ukyo looked at Ranma with a mournful expression undercut by curiosity at his question. "A girl? All my life, stupid," she answered, sorrow robbing any heat from the insult.
Ranma blinked, and then sprang to his feet. Looking around, he saw that one of the groundskeepers had left a kettle simmering on a small camp oven, and it hadn't been knocked over when he and Ukyo crashed through the roof. He snatched it up and advanced on Ukyo before, with a simple, "Scuse me," he tipped the boiling water over his old friend's head.
Naturally, Ukyo was not expecting this reaction; she shrieked in shocked pain, flailing her arms before she leapt to her feet and knocked Ranma to the floor with a second mighty slap. "Whatcha do that for, ya jackass?!" she screamed.
"H-hey, you didn't turn back into a guy!" a shocked Ranma protested.
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Ukyo snarled, incomprehension and rage firmly pushing aside her melancholy. She walked over and stuck her face right into Ranma's.
"You listen to me and you listen good: I am 100 percent woman!" she spat with a mixture of pride and humilation at her situation.
And that was when the door flung open and Genma bodily intervened, planting his foot on the back of Ranma's head and pushing him forward in an action that made Ukyo instinctively hop backwards.
"Ranma my boy, allow me to introduce you," Genma declared formally, even as the other students piled in as close as they could get. "Say hello to Ukyo, your betrothed."
Ukyo stared in confusion and then smiled weakly... before flinching as, in a perfectly choreographed strike, Shampoo bashed Genma over the head with a balancing pole whilst Ranma kneed him in the jaw.
Ranma grabbed his stunned father by the hem of his gi and dragged him up to his face, glaring into the Saotome patriarch's eyes. "Pop, this had better be some kind of fairytale..."
"How's about this? A long time ago, in a prefecture far, far away..." Genma replied flippantly.
"I'm warning you!" Ranma shouted in what was approaching absolute fury.
Genma flinched, and then sighed. "It was back when you and Ukyo were children. The day before we left, Ukyo's father and I got to talking. He had noticed how close the two of you were, and he wanted to discuss the possibility of engaging you both to be wed. I told him that you were already engaged to marry somebody else, which he noted was a shame, because he wanted a strong male heir to help carry on the family business. Well, considering how delicious his okonomiyaki had been, I understood his concerns and told him that he had convinced me to accept the engagement."
Rage and shame warred for dominance of Ranma's features as, with the lesson of Kaori Daikoku fresh in his mind, he realized exactly what his father had planned all along. The other students flinched away from not only Shampoo and Akane, who were now visibly smoldering with battle auras that radiated heat like a furnace, but also from Nabiki, whom they would have sworn was now swallowed by a shadow that was a good twenty degrees colder than the rest of the world around her!
Ukyo, of course, chose that moment to interject. "You took the cart, alright, but you left one thing behind!" she snarled. "And from that day, my life as a woman was over... even then, the other girls around town learned of my humiliation; I became the stuff of ridicule and gossip. And that's when I realized what I had to do... I made a vow that I'd become the best okonomiyaki cook in Japan! And what better way than to practice against the raging seas?!" she cried, fists clenched in her passion as she bathed in old, dark memories.
"Raging seas? Ain't that kinda pointless?" one student opined.
"That is the point, stupid - don'tcha ever watch samurai movies?" one of his comrades chastised him.
"How cruel is the hand of fate!?" Genma wept, fists clenching and face screwing up in a display of exaggerated grief. Then he promptly grabbed a surprised Ranma by the back of his shirt collar, lifted him off of the ground and held him out to Ukyo like a parcel. "Go on. Here's your chance to get even with him," he declared casually.
"Get even with who, pop?!" Ranma asked, twisting around to deliver an indignant glare at his father. "You're the one who made that stupid bargain, remember? Not me!"
Genma promptly released his grip, which dropped Ranma flat on his face."Oh, really?" He asked. "I admit it; I had no choice. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made in my life. Okay, so maybe you already did have a fiancée, but the final decision had to be yours and yours alone."
"What final decision? I don't remember-"
"Trust me! Ranma, I said to you, this is important, so think carefully, okay? And you chirped right up that you understood me. What do you love best, I said to you; Ukyo or okonomiyaki? And your reply was 'okonomiyaki', plain and simple. In other words, the one who really made the bargain was you..."
Which was when an enraged Ukyo grabbed the same balancing beam that Shampoo had used before and clubbed both father and son across the head in one swing.
Genma didn't even flinch. He simply adjusted his glasses and calmly responded, "Go on, dear; let it all out."
Ranma, in comparison, was far less sanguine about the matter. "W-w-wait a minute! Whaddya mad at me for?! I mean, he's the one who abandoned you, not me! Sides, I was just a little kid at the time!"
At that, Genma grabbed Ranma's shoulder and pulled him around to face him with a stern expression. "Enough with the excuses, Ranma! Just own up to what you did and be a man about it!"
"And who are you to talk, huh?!" Ranma indignantly spat back in Genma's face.
"Ugh, you pigs!"
The Saotomes blinked as one and looked up to see that some of Furinkan's female students were now looming above them, tools clutched in their hands and bristling with righteous indignation.
"What's the matter with you two, using that poor girl like that? Shame on you!" spat one of the girls.
"You enemies of women!" hissed another.
Father and son crawled backwards away from the angry teens, Genma hunching himself down whilst Ranma held out a hand in a warding gesture. "W-wait, take it easy, it's not what you think! I mean, I didn't know she was a girl, I mean, not at first anyway!" Ranma protested.
"Shut up! Get 'em, girls!" cried the apparent ringleader, and the angry mob of female students descended upon the Saotomes in a flurry of makeshift clubs and kicks, filling the air with dust and cries of pain.
Unfortunately for them, they had made one rather crucial error in being so indiscriminate in choosing the targets of their wrath. Had they focused on Genma, it would have been fine; not a single resident of the Tendo Dojo would have disagreed with the idea that Genma deserved every bruise. But they had made the mistake of attacking Ranma in front of Shampoo, and that was something you just didn't do...
"You cut that out!" the indignant Chinese Amazon screamed as she struck the girls like a thunderbolt, flashing hands feet sending them flying as she slapped them to the ground or kicked them out of her way, scattering them like pigeons before a hawk. "Ranma, you is - you is gone?!" Shampoo cried, her question cut off as the dust cleared and she realized that only Genma was present, lying in a seemingly unconscious heap of bruises and stains on the floor.
"Hey, Ukyo's gone too!" somebody else observed.
"Wow, those guys can really move!" marveled another.
Shampoo and Nabiki shared a look of mutual understanding, with just the slightest hint of dread. Without saying anything, they broke free of the crowd and ran in pursuit of their mutual husband.
Meanwhile...
"Oh, look; here it is," Ranma said, before he reached down and picked up the twisted length of Ukyo's battle spatula. With surprising ease, he twisted it back into its proper shape, before he tossed it to Ukyo.
The newly-revealed bifauxnen crossdresser caught her weapon and eyed Ranma suspiciously. "Hey, what's going on here? Why are you being so nice?"
Ranma sat down cross-legged on the ground, folding his eyes, bowing his head, and responding, "I'm doing what pop said: taking my punishment like a man."
Ukyo blinked, and then smirked darkly. "Hah! What's that mean, you'll take whatever I dish out?" she jeered, raising her battle spatula and leering vindictively, a crimson battle aura springing to life around her. "Fine then! Now's my chance to pay you back for turning every day of my life into a living hell!"
At that Ranma's eyes shot open and he held his arms out in warding gestures. "Hey-hey-hey, don't ya think yer overreacting?!" he cried.
"I'll give you overreacting!" Ukyo screamed, bringing the spatula down in a mighty vertical chop, this time trying to catch Ranma with the edge.
But Ranma was having none of that - he sprang away at the last moment, and the spatula blade hit the ground with a mighty clang.
"Over here!" Shampoo said to Nabiki as the two girls caught up with Ranma and Ukyo at last. They froze amongst the shrubbery and trees around them, watching the fight, with Shampoo twitching in anticipation of leaping in if she thought Ranma needed the help, honor be damned.
"C'mon, be reasonable!" Ranma pleaded, ducking, dodging, diving and leaping to avoid the flurry of strikes that Ukyo directed his way.
"You said you were gonna stay still!" an indignant Ukyo protested, chasing her slippy opponent and trying desperately to hit him.
"Well... yeah, I mean, no.. but..." Ranma protested feebly.
"Then shut up and take yer punishment!" Ukyo snarled. "You've ruined me for marriage! Because of you, I'm doomed to spend my life alone!" she cried, punctuating the end of her sentence with another edged downwards chop that Ranma narrowly twisted away from.
Whilst her spatula was partially embedded in the earth, Ranma straightened up until his face and Ukyo's were practically touching, looking her dead in the eyes. "What a waste... and here you were, so cute too," he observed.
Ukyo blinked, and then her eyes went wide in shock. She stopped dead in her tracks, staring at Ranma like he'd just turned into a girl.
Seizing the advantage, Ranma fully stood up, still looking Ukyo in the eyes as he smiled and continued, "I mean, who woulda thought you'd turn out so good looking?"
"C-cute?" Ukyo repeated, dumbfounded.
Ranma smiled and nodding, holding up an index finger for emphasis as he added, "You'll make someone a great wife!"
A shocked and visibly blushing Ukyo covered her mouth with one fist... and then punched Ranma in the face with the other. "Go on, stop lying! I'm not cute," she protested, in the meekest, most feminine voice Ranma had heard her use all day averting her face and closing her eyes.
"Sure you are, Ukyo! Why would I lie?" Ranma replied, popping back up, still beaming happily.
Without even looking, Ukyo slapped Ranma several times across the face, although compared to back in the shed, these were practically love taps. "Am not, am not, am not!" she protested.
"You're cute, I tell ya!" Ranma insisted, not getting the issue as only those whose density makes marble seethe in envy can do.
"Go on, get outta here!" Ukyo demanded, still in that same star-struck and girlish voice, shaking her head in childish denial.
"Real cute!" Ranma insisted once again, confident that his efforts were finally paying off - Ukyo seemed to actually be calming down.
"So, are you going to change tactics any time soon, or just keep at it like a broken record?" Nabiki asked aloud.
"NabikI!" Ranma squeaked, flinching away from Ukyo with a hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar expression. "I-I can explain..."
"I'm sure you can," she replied sweetly, grinning to herself as she watched Ranma start to sweat.
"Um... who are you?" Ukyo slowly asked the two newcomers.
"I'm Nabiki Tendo - I'm the girl Ranma's dad abandoned you to marry him off to," Nabiki replied flippantly. "This is Shampoo," she added, gesturing to her counterpart.
"Nihao!" the Chinese Amazon proclaimed brightly, smiling sweetly and raising a hand in salutations.
"She's a long story," Nabiki concluded, whereupon Shampoo blew a raspberry at her.
"O...kay. So, are you here to fight me...?" Ukyo asked, clearly confused by the response.
"Nah, that's not my style," Nabiki flippantly replied, literally waving the idea off. "But I must say, Ranma was right; even wearing that outfit that does you no favors, you're really quite the cutie."
Ukyo blushed beet red; it had been hard enough to hear that statement from Ranma of all people, but for a girl to agree?! "I... um... thanks?" she replied slowly, trying and failing to figure out what was going on.
"I understand your anger with Genma, and trust me, it's really a horrible thing that he's done to you... but there's really no reason to blame anything on Ranma. He's as much a victim of his father's schemes as you are," Nabiki explained.
"Yeah, what she said! I swear, Ukyo, I had no idea about this marriage - I didn't know you were a girl until ten minutes ago!" Ranma jumped in, realizing that Nabiki had figured out what he'd been trying to do before - namely, talk his way out of this stupid feud.
"How could you not know?!" Ukyo asked, giving Ranma an indignantly questioning look.
"When we knew each other, Ukyo, we were six years old! You were this foul-mouthed little brawler with dust on your shirt, scabbed knees and batter on your nose, at a time when I only knew girls as these mysterious creatures that played with dolls and hated getting dirty... how was I supposed to know?" Ranma protested sincerely.
Ukyo blushed again, casting a glimpse at the others present. Neither offered any apparent judgment, simply watching her reaction patiently. "Yeah, well... doesn't change the fact your father agreed to the marriage and ran..."
"If it makes you feel any better, you're not the first girl who got cheated like that," Nabiki sighed.
"Wait, what?!" Ukyo asked, staring in shock at her previously unmet enemy.
"Girl name Kaori Daikoku arrive yesterday with same story as you. Genma trade Ranma's hand for food, then run away with food and Ranma both," Shampoo grumbled.
"I'm sorry, Ukyo, but even if Genma did ask Ranma to choose between you and okonomiyaki - and that's a very big if, since it means trusting Genma's account implicitly - there's no way he ever would have honored the engagement. You were just a convenient victim," Nabiki explained.
Ukyo visibly wilted at those words. "Then... it's all over. I can't get revenge; Ranchan's not even to blame for what happened to me. And I'm doomed to be alone forever, all because my father fell for the lies of a thieving glutton..." she mournfully declared.
"Hey, stop it, Ucchan!" Ranma interjected. "You don't have to be alone! I keep telling ya, you're a really cute girl when, y'know, you're not trying to hide it. You always were a great pal when we were kids, and I know that hasn't changed. I tell ya, if you go looking for a boyfriend, you'll get one like that!" he snapped his fingers for emphasis.
Ukyo sniffed softly, but then cast a doe-eye at Ranma. "You... really think so?"
"I know so!" Ranma assured her. And he was so caught up in trying to cheer up his oldest friend, so deep in his guilt over what his father had done, that he didn't even stop to think before blurting out, "Why, if it wasn't for Nabiki, I wouldn't mind marrying you!"
Ukyo stared at him, wide-eyed and shocked. "Y-you mean that?!" she asked
"I..." Ranma hesitated. He glanced at Nabiki, who subtly nodded her head - she knew Ranma was just trying to build up Ukyo's obviously fragile ego. Emboldened, he swallowed and then nodded his head. "Yeah, I mean it, Ucchan."
"That so, airen?" Shampoo interjected, ice in her tone. The Japanese teens blinked and looked at her, having momentarily forgotten about her presence. She met their curious looks with a cold, probing stare directed at each of them in turn. Her lips pursed themselves thin as she visibly wrestled with something, before her shoulders slumped and she sighed, deep and slow. "Very well then... Shampoo accept Ukyo too."
"Accept her?" Ranma and Nabiki asked, speaking with perfect synchronization. They exchanged mutually puzzled looks... and then expressions of synchronized horror as they realized what the strange girl from China had to be insinuating.
"Shampoo, you don't have to do that!" Ranma protested.
"Can't we talk this out?!" Nabiki blurted.
Ignoring them both, Shampoo walked over to the baffled Ukyo and placed her hands on Ukyo's shoulders as she began to recite in Chinese.
Ukyo blinked helplessly and then glanced over at the shocked duo. "Um... what's she doing? Guys? Mph!"
Ukyo promptly got her answer as Shampoo finished her spiel and then darted forward, capturing the shocked crossdresser's lips in a deep kiss. Ukyo went red as a beet, hair standing on end in pure shock as she stared with eyes like saucers into Shampoo's own closed crimson orbs.
Shampoo held the kiss for a good minute at least before she broke it. Ignoring the blushing, stammering mess of a crossdresser, she turned to face Ranma and jabbed an index finger at him, a stern look on her face.
"This last time, airen! Shampoo not care if stupid panda disgrace self anymore; wedding bed be too-too crowded enough as is!" she declared with a put-upon huff and a look of supreme exasperation at her erstwhile fiancés.
Those words were the last straw for Ukyo, who promptly fainted on the spot.
"Ucchan!" Ranma cried, scrambling to catch her before she hit the ground.
"Shampoo..." Nabiki groaned, dragging a hand over her furrowed brow. "Why would you do that?" she asked plaintively.
Shampoo had the decency to wince. "...Shampoo just trying to help..." she replied.
Nabiki sighed and shook her head. "Well, we might as well take her home, at least until she recovers... can't just leave her here on the school grounds," she conceded.
Ranma nodded his agreement, and then lifted Ukyo off of the ground, shifting her unconscious body into a bridal carry posture without thinking about it before he set off, with Nabiki and Shampoo close behind.
At the Tendo Dojo...
Soun Tendo was busily sweeping leaves from the front walkway when the gates to his estate swung open. He looked up and blinked in surprise at the parade entering the grounds; Ranma carrying an unconscious... girl? Boy? That he didn't recognize, with Nabiki close behind. Shampoo was trailing after Nabiki, looking dismayed, and followed by Akane, who looked angry. And bringing up the rear was Genma, who seemed less than happy to see his old friend.
"Well, hello there, Ranma! And who's this?" Soun called out in polite greeting as the teens reached him.
"This is Ukyo Kuonji," Ranma replied.
"Huh... did he lose a fight with you? Did you bring him back to get patched up? That's the way a true martial artist should behave," Soun noted proudly.
"It's not quite like that, daddy," Nabiki sighed.
"Nihao, Mr. Tendo," Shampoo interjected. "Say hello to Ukyo; your new daughter."
Soun blinked, then stared flatly at the Chinese interloper in his house. "What."
"Ukyo engaged to Ranma. Shampoo accept her engagement. So, when Ukyo marry Ranma with Nabiki, she be Tendo daughter, just like Shampoo."
Eye twitching, Soun repeated himself loudly. "What?"
Shampoo simply rolled her eyes. "Ask Genma. He arrange for Ukyo to marry Ranma many year ago. Shampoo just learn it today."
The broom in Soun's hands exploded into splinters as a crimson battle aura roared into life around the enraged Tendo patriarch. "WHAT?!"
Genma paled as Soun's eyes fixated on him, and then immediately turned tail and ran off into the streets of Furinkan.
"Genma! Get back here you worthless sack of mold-infested rice!" Soun roared, his voice making windows shake as he gave pursuit.
"He take that well, Shampoo think," the Chinese Amazon observed, and for the life of them, none of them could tell if she was being sarcastic.
Leaving the patriarchs to their own squabbles, the teens promptly continued their way into the house.
That evening...
To say dinner was tense that night would be an understatement. There was still no sign of either Genma or Soun, and after everything that had happened in the past two days, none of the teens were really inclined to look for them. Instead, the five girls and one boy who sometimes was also a girl sat around the table and ate dinner themselves.
Only Kasumi really had any appetite; Nabiki and Ranma both just sat there, wishing they were anywhere else, whilst Shampoo picked meekly at her portions and Ukyo tried to make herself invisible - if it weren't for Kasumi's politeness, she probably would have headed back to her current campsite once she regained consciousness. Akane alternated between glaring at Ranma, Shampoo and Ukyo.
Inevitably, somebody had to give, and to nobody's great surprise upon reflection, it was Akane who finally snapped first.
"Damn it, Shampoo, what were you thinking?!" she cried, slamming a hand on the table and pointing at the Chinese Amazon for emphasis.
"Shampoo only do what she have to do to fix Genma's mess!" the Joketsuzoku snapped back.
"By making an even bigger mess? Seriously, Shampoo, what in the world made you think that just marrying a stranger to my sister was a good idea?!"
"Shampoo think that either Shampoo can make enemy of Ukyo, or Shampoo can acknowledge honor debt and Ukyo love for Ranma and do right thing!"
"Love?! That's a bit strong, don't you think?" Nabiki asked, acid sizzling underneath her veneer of calm.
Shampoo simply snorted disdainfully. "Ukyo be too-too big wrong by Genma. She spend ten years hunting Ranma, never stopping, sacrifice own womanhood to try and become strong enough to get revenge. But as soon as Ranma prove he innocent, and show he still care for her, she stop hating him. What you call that, if not love? Stupid Japanese."
Nabiki, Ranma and Ukyo blinked in unison. Ranma and Nabiki looked at each other, and then looked as one towards their new 'fiancée', who blushed and stared into the depths of her ramen. Still, Nabiki couldn't resist the obvious opening...
"You didn't do this for Kaori Daikoku," she pointed out, now having to gauge Shampoo's idea of 'worthiness' in case of other 'additions' to their current situation.
"Kaori different. Ranma not know Kaori, and she not love him, not really. Even promise Genma break was stupid promise with no honor behind it. Completely different to Ukyo."
"You still could have Xi Fa Xiang Gao'd her instead of marrying her," Nabiki pointed out.
"She could have what?!" a confused Ukyo blurted out, wondering which stop on this conversational ride she'd been dumped on as everyone went ahead.
Shampoo simply shook her head. "No, Shampoo couldn't have."
"Why not?" Nabiki demanded.
"Xi Fa Xiang Gao no is perfect. If victim have strong will, or memories have strong emotions behind them, then victim can break technique and regain memories. Ukyo chase Ranma for ten years, all on own, without any assistance... Xi Fa Xiang Gao not work on mind like that. At least, not in Shampoo's hands."
"You could have just made her fall in love with somebody else, like you did Kodachi," Akane jeered. When Shampoo shook her head again, she scowled darkly. "Oh, come on!"
Shampoo had the decency to blush and look sheepish, twiddling her fingers as she replied, "When Shampoo say she make Kodachi fall in love with Xi Fa Xiang Gao... Shampoo maybe... exaggerate? A little?"
Silence hung over the dining room, before three voices raised in a single roof-raising roar of "What!?"
Shampoo flinched, unable to meet any of their gazes, and meekly elaborated. "Xi Fa Xiang Gao is like taking cloth to chalk slate. Can wipe off what be written there, but not make anything new. There techniques to do that... but they be grandmaster techniques, and require long time and much more special shampoos than just Blend 110. Shampoo no can do those techniques. What Shampoo do with Kodachi was erase memory of loving Ranma, then try to push existing love onto new target."
"...How?"
"There special pressure point on scalp. Amplify feelings of love, lust. After Xi Fa Xiang Gao, Shampoo hit that pressure point on Kodachi, then hope that Ryoga have common decency to check on fallen ally."
"You mean you got lucky?!" an appalled Nabiki replied, a bit of treacherous relief intruding on her mind too. 'And I've been afraid she was some kind of Machiavellian genius?!'
"Wait, so you turned Kodachi into a nymphomaniac on purpose?!" Akane thundered.
"That not Shampoo's fault!" A disgusted Shampoo rebutted. "Passion pressure point only last few minutes. If Kodachi get so horny with Ryoga, then that because Kodachi always going to be that way once she find man she loves."
"...Y'know, thinking about how Tatewaki acts, that actually does make a lot of sense," Ranma conceded with a considering expression; even with his limited experience with the male of the Kuno siblings, the level of…'zest'... said person had for his infatuations was...excessive.
All three Tendo sisters looked thoughtful at that, slowly nodding in unison. Even though Tatewaki had been a freshman when Kasumi had been in her final year of high school, she still remembered his antics.
That moment of calm was brief before Akane shook herself and pointed her finger at Shampoo again. "Either way, why in the world would you choose to bring Ukyo into this stupid marriage scheme of yours?! What are you, some kind of pervert?"
"Pervert!?" an indignant Shampoo snapped back. "Shampoo only try to do honorable thing!"
"A likely story," Akane scoffed.
"You shut stupid mouth!" Shampoo roared, the other teens flinching back at this sudden explosive outburst. The faintest hints of a battle aura began to flicker around Shampoo's head and shoulders, rage burning in her eyes, and all of a sudden, she looked too much like the savage tribal assassin who had come barging into their lives what really wasn't all that long ago.
"Shampoo!" Ranma snapped, shifting himself to better ward Nabiki from Shampoo's wrath, only for Shampoo to raise a hand without looking at her husband-to-be.
"Ranma, you shut up, this Shampoo turn to speak! Stupid girls, you think this easy for Shampoo?! You think Shampoo want this?! Well, Shampoo not want this! Never wanted this! Shampoo wanted strong husband and happy life together, just him and Shampoo, that's all Shampoo want! And then you!" She thrust an accusatory finger at Nabiki. "You have to be married to Ranma! And then you have to do honorable thing like that!"
"W-what do you mean?" Nabiki asked, trying to follow the angry Amazon's logic.
"When Shampoo hunting girl-type Ranma and wooing boy-type Ranma, it only make Nabiki's life easier. Longer Shampoo make fool of self like that, further away Ranma's heart go from Shampoo! Nabiki could have just let it go on, let Shampoo only find out truth after destroying all hope of make Ranma love Shampoo. But Nabiki not do that - you tell Shampoo truth instead. That too-too honorable thing of you. So Shampoo have choice. Shampoo can be selfish, ignore what Nabiki do, and keep try to win Ranma for self, even if it mean get rid of Nabiki... or Shampoo can do hard thing, honorable thing, and agree to share Ranma."
The Chinese Amazon shook her head and glowered at her 'spouses' . "Shampoo choose to do honorable thing. Not want to, but do so anyway. Shampoo know this not what Nabiki and Ranma want either, but Shampoo still give this honor, and try to make this work. Shampoo do nothing but try to make Ranma and Nabiki accept Shampoo, and you just spit in Shampoo's face!"
"We didn't!" Ranma instinctively protested.
"Yes you do! When you ever invite Shampoo to do something, without Shampoo invite self along? When either of you try to make nice with Shampoo? Shampoo made to sleep in strange bedroom away from husband-"
"Not that it stops you from sneaking into his bedroom anyway," Akane muttered only to be resoundingly ignored by everyone else as the first marital fight the Tendo house had seen in at least a decade continued...If Nabiki was more aware she'd have commented mentally on how that usually required being married first but that was a detail that was lost in the face of an Amazon pouring her heart out
"Shampoo treated like stranger. You no even willing to share bath with Shampoo! But Shampoo accept that, because Shampoo know this hard for you too... and then you come!" And here she turned a blazing glare on Ukyo, who flinched back and wished she'd brought her spatula to the table. "You no could be like Kaori, oh no; you have to love Ranma, and be Ranma friend! You have to be someone Ranma care about, someone that Ranma could have loved if not for Nabiki and Shampoo..."
Despite everything, Ukyo couldn't help but snatch a startled glance at Ranma, who helplessly blushed in response.
"So Shampoo have to make choice. Do honorable thing, make Shampoo's life even harder, make Ranma and Nabiki mad at Shampoo, add whole new girl to try and get to know? Or be selfish and drive away old friend of Ranma so Shampoo can keep him to self?" Shampoo closed her eyes, inhaling slowly and then exhaling with a sigh as her aura faded away.
Softly, she concluded, "Shampoo choose to do honorable thing again..." And then her eyes snapped open and she glared murderously at Akane.
"So don't you act as if Shampoo not taking this seriously! This not game to Shampoo!" She screamed, and slammed her fist on the table for emphasis, smashing it into pieces!
Silence fell across the room. Shampoo stared blankly at the wreckage of the table, and then stood up. "Shampoo going out. Not sure when Shampoo come back," she said, her voice soft and sad, her eyes dull and emotionless. Then she turned and walked out into the garden, striding over to the wall and casually hopping over it before she vanished into the night.
Behind her, the remaining teens watched until she was gone. Then, quietly, they began to salvage what they could of their dinners from the table and to clear away the mess. Really, what was there to say after something like that?
Chapter End & Closing Notes
And that, as they say, is that. Poor Ukyo... poor everybody, really. Quite an emotional rollercoaster they've all gone on, yes?
Now, with Ukyo, really, she's kind of screwed over from the start. With her characterization as "the sane one" (y'know, before the manga flanderized her), it is very hard to justify her wanting to try and keep pursuing Ranma's heart if he's not caught up in as obviously dysfunctional a relationship as he is with Akane. Remember; Ukyo literally did not really think that Ranma would give her a chance until she saw how he and Akane interacted... namely, with insults and attempted beatings by Akane. But if Ukyo has no chance with Ranma, then she's not really the kind of person who'd stay in Nerima - her friendship with Ranma is, frankly, very tattered when she enters the series, and without that promise of maybe winning his heart, calling the feud off, but not wanting to have anything more to do with the Saotomes, is her most likely course of action.
So, I had a choice. Either write Ukyo out of the story entirely... or give her a reason to stick around and get involved in all the chaos of Ranma's life. And, with Shampoo's crazy Amazon customs and a little characteristic jumping the gun, you see the result here. Things have just gotten even more complicated for our heroes. However will they find a way to untangle their red threads?
...Well, you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?