A/N

Hey first of all thanks all of those who reviewed, followed and left a kudo. I really wasn't so sure what kind of reaction this story would get. Also sorry for taking so long to update, i didn't want to just write for the sake of it and it took me longer than i had expected. :)

Nobody said it was easy

Sitting in his dark office with only his laptop as a source of light, he watched the blinking cursor on the still blank page. Seemingly increasing its impatience with each blink. He has to write, not to satisfy his publisher, just for himself. His writing has always been a way to sort out his messy mind. Writing just always had helped him in that respect. Now he feels like all the words have been erased from his mind, unable to formulate a single clear thought. It's numbing, drinking several glasses of scotch probably didn't help the matter. Not that he really minds.

Slapping the laptop closed, he pushed away from his desk and slowly reached for the bottom drawer, already cursing himself for being so weak. In the back he found the small silver object that could have changed the outcome of last night. Instead of breaking up with her, he could have proposed to her. He had the ring, held it in his hands even, while he ended things between them. It wasn't his intention, but seeing her, knowing for a fact that the future he imagined for them, was just as fictional as his books, changed his mind.

As long as she didn't change her ways and stopped chasing after whatever she deemed more important, there was just no way for them to have a future. As much as it hurts him, it's a bitter truth both of them have to accept. He loves her like he never loved someone before, and probably never will again.

Turning away from his desk with his hand still gripping the ring he looked through the window overseeing the nightlife of New York City. Letting his mind simply wander, not letting any thought linger.

With heavy steps he walked over towards the small couch, to sit down. As much as he wanted to wallow, thinking more about her just hurt. As much as he already numbed his brain with liquor, one thought couldn't be silenced. Despite what he told her, he may have given up to soon. Maybe it could have worked out. It's just that the fight left him, it's too hard.

The next morning he woke up to a sunlit room, with a throbbing in his head. Groaning as slowly sat up, squinting against the brightness. From the kinks in his neck, he noticed that he must have fallen asleep on the couch. His eyes slowly adjusted to the light and he saw on the side table a glass of water with a note propped against. "I'm here, if you need me", frowning but grateful he put the note from his mother aside to grab for the glass and saw beside it an aspirin.

After gulping down the lukewarm water and pill, he stood and made his way towards the kitchen. Not caring for his appearance right now, knowing he must look like a truck drove him over. It's okay, it's how he feels. His mother was sitting on one of the bar stools facing away from him. But at hearing his approach she turned towards him, and stood up to meet him half way.

After a short mustering she hugged him to her. Not a word was said, still his mother knew him. Standing there she comforted her son, trying to somehow lessen his heartbreak, even knowing it was futile.

Castle pulled back looking at his mother and grasping for something to say.

Martha beat him to it," Richard, I hate to ask but what happened?"

He felt his throat closing up, not wanting to speak it out loud.

"We broke up" it sounded croaked and weak and final.

"Oh no, I thought that you wanted-, what changed?" her heart broke for her son, the heartbreak he was suffering from, was plain to see. Martha had hoped that this time things would be different. She had watched how the detective's relationship with her son grew into something real. They make each other happy. It's hard to imagine them being anything but happy with each other,. Still Martha already suspected what the crux of all this was, but she has to hear it from her son.

Gesturing towards the living room, the both of them sat down on the couch, neither of them seemed willing to start the conversation. For Castle talking about it hurt, telling his mother of the break up and voicing it aloud, was already a reminder too much, making it all too real.

So he simply stared at an invisible spot on the wall, unfocused and intend on feeling numb again.

Martha however leaned forward laying a hand on his knee to get his attention, concern marring her face.

"Richard? What happened?", she waited for a form of acknowledgment that he had heard her but aside from clenching his jaw he didn't respond in any way.

She knew it was a sensitive subject, and she had to tread lightly so she inquired softly what exactly happened between him and Katherine. Curiosity aside, she just wished to know, in order to help him somehow. She saw him flinch at the mention of her name and he let out an audible sigh, lowering his head in his hands.

Trying to comfort her son she laid an arm around his shoulders and hugged him towards her. Nothing else was said, aside from some hushed soothing words from Martha.

After a while he straightened again, looking at her with slightly red and rimmed eyes.

His mother looked at him with comforting sympathetic eyes and suddenly he couldn't stop it and told her everything, that in the last few month went down between Kate Beckett and himself, everything leading up to him breaking up with her.

He expected a more affronted reaction of his mother, telling him how wrong he was in breaking up with her but she didn't do any of those things.

"Richard, are you sure about this?" she knows that getting past what happened can't be easy, but just maybe there was a lingering doubt about his choice, so she just had to know that he was serious about this.

"She hurt me mother, with blinders on, without checking who she leaves behind, I just wasn't important enough" the last part she barley heard, lacking in strength, she supposed that he was more stating it to himself than to her.

"But you love her" not a question, she knew the answer.

"That doesn't matter, it never really did." he just sounded so defeated.

"Stop this nonsense Richard", she scolded him "I know and you have every right to be hurt right now, but don't you dare lay all the blame on her!" she wasn't trying to defend the detective but she knows her son, and knew that he too hindered his relationship with Kate Beckett of moving forward.

"That is just exactly it! There was no possible way to work out whatever issue there was, we were always just fighting the odds, now I am just done fighting and chasing" At least she got a slight rise out of him, good.

Standing up she stood beside her son towering over him.

"Shush, I know I am no role model in terms of relationships, but I am an expert in knowing you, better than you might think. You my son, you never give up, you never have, you're big heart and stubbornness won't let you." He simply looked up but kept silent, processing her words. When his face clouded over she knew he made up his mind, so had she.

"Talk to her" she urged him.

"Maybe not now or tomorrow, but talk to her Richard. Giving up on what you two share, believe me it's not worth it". Her son deserves to be happy and she just wants to make sure that he isn't just destroying that possibility of happiness.

Over the years Martha Rodgers went through a lot of ups and downs, to shape her who she is now, and Castle felt that, when she urged him not to give up, that she was talking from experience. It struck a cord with him, the small lingering doubt turned into a persisting voice, telling him that he made a mistake. Still, he meant what he said, he is done chasing her. Maybe it was just his pride speaking but he wouldn't change his mind about this. He told his mother as much, who just sighed, mumbled something before she turned around and left him sitting there, to ponder.

Kate Beckett is usually not open to show any emotional displays in public, those things should in her opinion, remain private. It's easier for her too, no one to judge her for showing weakness, or make her uncomfortable. At home she doesn't need to be the strong one. At home she can let her guard down.

Castle always made her feel secure, strong and admired. He was her feeling of home, and now he left. She was still sitting on that swing, crying and feeling too heavy to get up. Every time she tried to calm herself, it just became worse.

With a deep shuddering breath she stood up, on wobbly legs and slowly made her way towards her car. Small silent tears were still rolling down her cheeks but she told herself that her moment of weakness has passed. Crying so openly made her feel like a stranger to herself.

In the elevator on the way up to her apartment she tried to ban every thought replaying the break up, from sneaking back in, instead she tried to distract herself with thoughts of her new job.

For some reason that made her feel guilty and helpless, what else can she do?

In her apartment she prepared herself a glass of wine and grabbed a book of her shelf, not one of his. She made herself comfortable on the couch, and started reading, which she quickly realized was a mistake. Inside were dogeared pages and silly comments were written on the pages. She recognized his handwriting immediately, having seen it so many times.

She wondered fondly when he wrote this. He knew that she loved getting glimpses of his writing process and here he wrote a commentary to one of Stephen King's books, including some jokes and background knowledge one a mystery writer can give. She loved it. Smiling she laid her book aside and grabbed for her phone on the coffee table.

Her finger was already hovering above his name, ready to call and suddenly remembered why she couldn't. It's strange, feeling so happy one second and the next you feel an all consuming sadness, that formed a lump in your throat. Her hand was still holding her phone, tempting her despite what just happened, to call him. After she's had a rough day, talking with him always made her feel better.

He has that effect on her, making her genuinely happy.. but that's over now, because he broke up with her. Her eyes were flitting between the still open book on her lap and the phone in her hands, before she switched the phone for her glass of wine. Drinking a few sips she laid back, closed her eyes and tried to relax a little.

Still however much she didn't want to, her mind kept going back to the harsh words he threw at her. They hurt, hearing them from him hurt even more. He was right, everything he said was plain truth. So even though he broke up with her, she knew that he really wasn't the reason for all this, she had brought this on herself. Her cowardice and distrust in lasting relationships made her back out and destruct it. Sadly she realized that this seemed to be her M/O.

Even though she agreed to take the job, she slightly regrets her decision now, questioning if it really was worth it. She longs to have him by her side again, because a part of her doesn't want to take on this new chapter without him. Curling in on herself she let the guilt consume her and fell into a restless sleep.

Beckett woke up early in the morning, the sunlight was softly filtering through the barley closed curtains, illuminating her apartment in a soft light.

Checking her phone for the time she noticed that it was already 9 am and not that early as she had assumed. She felt disappointed that her phone showed no new missed calls or messages. Getting up she took her phone, to charge it in the kitchen.

Whereas it said that a with a new dawn comes new hope, Beckett felt none of it, as she made her way over to her kitchen to put her phone away to charge and put the rest of the wine residing in her glass down the drain. Afterward she prepared herself a cup of coffee.

Sitting down with a cup coffee in her hand she started thinking of how to continue now. In the past Castle was always by her side, indirectly reminding her why they are a good idea. He was always showing her in little ways that he loves her. He was persistent and now he is seemingly done with her.

She felt too overwhelmed yesterday to think rationally. Beckett remembered how he looked so somber and serious, and how that alone was already a big giveaway, for his next words. Still actually hearing them hurt more than she anticipated it would. Should she have put up more of a fight? Preventing him of leaving her?

Maybe she realized, but maybe this is for the best. The last part felt wrong, too bitter. Perhaps she had it all coming and this hurt is just the consequence.

The coffee tasted like acid, despite having prepared it like she always does, the coffee tasted like the ones she used to drink at the twelfth. Before Castle came along.

She drank only half of the drink before she pushed the mug away from her in distaste.

Her mind felt like it was ready to explode, she had to get out of here. She needed Lanie, to set her mind straight, and she could really do with the fresh air.

Pulling out her phone she called Lanie, who picked up after the third ring.

"Hey Kate" she sounded so chipper

"Hey Lanie are you on shift today?"

"No, it's Saturday as you know if the world's not in a crisis, that's my day off." Right, it's Saturday how could she forget that, "What's up Kate, you sound off."

Instead of giving her a straight answer she went for a simple, "Do you want to meet for coffee, at the usual place?", and hoped that Lanie would leave it at that.

Sensing that something mayor must have happened the best friend accepted the sidestepping and agreed to meet for coffee in 30 minutes

Beckett decided to walk to the coffee place, to make up her mind off how and what she wants to tell Lanie, exactly. Knowing that either way Lanie will have every detail by the end of their meet up.

Which was exactly how it happened, after some avoidance Beckett started to tell her everything.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry"; Lanie looked at her with sympathy and reached for her hand, "so it's over, it's final?"

While a part of Beckett screamed no in denial, this part wasn't the one to make the tough choices.

"I guess yes, it is" Lanie just stared incredulously at her so Beckett went on, "Lanie he made some valid points" she paused before adding the last part, "maybe it was just not meant to work out"

"So you're not planning on doing anything, to get him back I mean?"

"There isn't anything to be done Lanie, he made his choice", she furrowed her brow in thought, "and I have made mine" spiting the small voice in her head that was trying to tell her to not give up, she stayed determined in her choice.

Lanie wasted no time beating around the bush, "So you choose DC?", after waiting for an affirmative she continued, "A job, I can't believe you, Kate Beckett!" her raised voiced earned them some curious stares from the surrounding tables, Lanie simply ignored them.

"So you are saying that you were planning on breaking up with him too, he just beat you to it? Is that it?" Lanie said in order to get through to her.

"Of course not! Still I guess it's easier that way", she tried to sound nonchalant but from the look Lanie was giving her she wasn't very convincing.

Beckett felt some tears swimming before her eyes which she stubbornly blinked away, focusing instead on the brown liquid in her coffee mug. Yes it was easier, Castle was always a distraction, one she became accustomed to, and later grew even to love. Now that distraction is gone, she just isn't so sure if it's actually a good thing.

Feeling Beckett's reluctance to continue the subject, she made an attempt to lighten the mood.

They talked some more about everything that came to mind and by the time they decided to leave, Beckett felt way better and her mood had lifted a little as well.

Once outside they hugged and said their goodbyes, Lanie couldn't pass the chance to press Beckett into a promise to keep her in the loop on the 'Castle-front'. Because she had a gut feeling that this, between these two, isn't going to end like that. Lanie's attitude put a small smile on Beckett's face. Her best friend was incorrigible.

She turned around, ready to head home when a familiar silhouette caught her eye.

There he was striding down the sidewalk, towards her. The smile disappeared from her face, leaving no trace of the lightness she felt just moments ago. A thought of approaching him briefly crossed her mind, but she knew now wasn't the time. So she chose to hide herself in the crowds. Keeping her head down she saw him pass her, out of the corner eye. The glimpse she saw of him made her ache all over again. Feelings of doubt, guilt and longing were crashing down on her. Still, despite all the doubt and hurt, to break up was right thing to do.

Right?