It was near winter when Jay dragged Riley away from his comics and began to teach him how to use a gun. The air had grown colder, but not by much. Jay could still feel his shirt sticking to his back with sweat every day, so it didn't seem to matter in his mind. Temperature changes weren't too drastic in the Mojave and the only reason Jay knew this was because Riley kept reminding him.
Riley had raised his eyebrows at Jay when he picked up Riley's old toy BB gun and began instructing him, and his shoulders hunched lower the longer he was pushed to keep practicing.
"Why are you doing this to me?" Riley whined. He hated carrying out tasks he wasn't good at. He wasn't getting any reward or positive result and he was growing more impatient with each second that ticked by.
"Because I love you." Jay answered simply from where he was standing behind him. "Now try again."
Riley groaned and lifted the gun, and he felt Jay step behind him and place his hands over his own.
"Lower your arms a little- there you go." Jay coaxed and he moved his hands away. "Move your feet farther apart, don't shrink down like that."
Riley took a deep breath and squinted down the muzzle of the gun again. The makeshift target a few feet before him was riddled with tiny marks from missed shots. Sarsaparilla bottles stood proudly in the middle of all the marks, glistening in the light and still fully intact.
"I'm not gonna hit it." Riley grumbled and he looked back at Jay with a grimace.
"Yes you will. I know you will, but you've gotta trust me, okay?" Jay asked. He stood tall with his arms crossed over his broad chest. He held the same unwavering confidence and finality as their father, but it was kinder on him. Everything about Jay had the potential to be hard, cold, and unkind, but on him he made it loving and soft without even realizing he was doing it.
"Okay." Riley answered quietly, he didn't want to let Jay down; doing so always left him feeling gritty and sad. Jay was the kind of person that everyone seemed to seek the approval of, even know he seemed to only truly like Riley.
Riley breathed in slowly and pulled the trigger. He flinched when the loud bang shot through the air and he instinctively shut his eyes tight at the sound. When he slowly pried them open he saw that he had missed once again.
"That was a good try, Riley." Jay praised and he placed a hand on his younger brothers shoulder.
Riley giggled, "I wasn't even close." The tiny hole he had made in the slab of wood was at least a foot away from the target.
"It was still a good try. You're getting there, buddy." Jay told him and he flashed him a brilliant smile that was so rare on Jay that all Riley could do for a moment was stare at him.
Jay took the gun from Riley and began to unload it with practiced, calloused hands. "Just… don't shut your eyes when you're pulling the trigger, okay?"
Riley laughed and slumped down on the ground, flexing his tired hands. "Sorry."
A soft, cold breeze blew past them as Jay sat down on the ground next to him. As Riley had gotten older he realized Jay was only ever at ease like this with him, and it made him feel incredibly special.
Riley was silent for a moment before he spoke up, "What's up with this, Jay?"
Jay looked up, "What do you mean?"
Riley gestured to the small BB gun Jay was holding, "Teaching me how to shoot, why are you doing this now?"
His brother shrugged dismissively, "You've got to learn at some point."
"Yeah, but why now?" Riley pushed, and Jay sighed.
"This place… it might not always be safe. That's all."
Riley sat up straight and stared at him. "What do you mean? Did something happen?"
"Yeah… well- I mean no. Maybe." He stammered and he sighed. "Look I don't know. I just want you to be safe is all."
There was the rustle of footsteps, and when Jay looked up he saw Connie rushing toward him, her hair stuck to the sides of her face with perspiration. She kept her eyes locked down in front of her as she approached them, her eyebrows knit tightly together in a deep frown. Jay stood up, and Riley watched as she scratched at the back of her neck and looked behind her.
"Are you okay?" Jay asked her, and Connie just shook her head.
"I need you to come with me." She answered and when she met Riley's eyes she smiled nervously.
"Hey kiddo." She said, but the brightness she always placed in her voice when she spoke to Riley fell flat.
Riley waved to her from his spot on the ground and looked at Jay. He felt the urge to jump up and ask what was wrong, but he made himself stay silent. It was hard to tell how serious something was when it came to Connie. She always seemed on edge like she might soon break down and rip all her hair out, often regardless of the situation.
"What is it?" Jay asked, and Connie tried to smile.
"Nothing serious, Farmer Carver just needs some help." When the boys glanced at each other she laughed nervously, "Again. Yeah I know, those old folks." She wrung her fingers until they turned white as she laughed.
"Okay." Jay answered without question, and he began following her down the road with Riley close in tow.
Connie stopped when she noticed Riley following and she glanced between the brothers. "Maybe he should stay home this time?" She asked Jay.
Jay looked back at Riley, who was fighting the urge to pout.
Riley had turned eleven that month and he was sick of being treated like a baby. Jay picked up on this and ruffled his unruly hair, "He'll be fine. You said it's nothing serious, right?"
Connie fidgeted, "Yeah of course." And she smiled tightly before they continued walking on.
When they came to the field they all made an instinctive turn, taking the long way around to the farmhouse instead of walking through the long, rickety stalks of corn. They never talked about that night, they never talked about the body or the symbol that Jay tried to convince himself he didn't see.
Sometimes when Jay closed his eyes at night he could see the man's glassy eyes, glowing as they reflected the night sky like two white shells under stagnant water. He tore himself from his thoughts and grabbed Riley's hand, who scoffed and shrugged away.
Riley was in his big kid phase where Jay wasn't allowed to "mother" him anymore, as he put it, and Jay kicked himself mentally for forgetting. It was hard, no longer having a hand to grab onto.
The door to the old red barn was shut tight and Connie stepped forward first, blocking the way of the boys before they could barge in.
"I- I don't…" She began and she stopped and took a deep breath, her words stumbling over each other to the point that she needed to stop and try again. "I don't know what's wrong with him."
"Is he hurt?" Jay asked and he reached for the handle but Connie blocked him again. She crossed her arms tight and looked to her left before she spoke.
"No. I don't think so. He's just been acting strange- for hours now." She stepped closer to Jay and lowered her voice. "Do you remember the shed? With the tools?"
Jay said nothing, but of course he remembered.
Connie sucked in a breath through her teeth. "I think he might be the one doing it. I don't know why, but he's in there breaking weapons and I've been trying to stop him for hours but he just won't. He's all worked up in a fit."
"Geez, okay. Let's check on him then." Jay answered.
"What shed? What are you two talking about?" Riley asked and he looked between them expectantly. He was winding a long piece of hay through his fingers to keep his racing mind occupied as he waited.
Jay rubbed at the back of his head and looked down at Riley. "We just found some broken tools in a shed a couple years back, it's nothing big." He offered a reassuring smile and Riley titled his head.
"Seems big." He commented and he tied the hay into a knot.
Connie stepped aside and Jay opened the door carefully. She walked in front of him when they entered and offered one of her wide grins to Farmer Carver, who was rummaging through a chest in the corner of the farmhouse.
"Farmer Carver? I brought Jay." She began, but he didn't acknowledge her, he just continued to throw things to the side.
"No, no, no…" he muttered. "Gotta find them all. Damn things."
"Carver?" Jay asked and he crossed the barn and put a hand on his shoulder. Jay had grown so much taller than him over the years of working on his farm, and he had to bend down a bit.
A small lone lantern flickered on the workbench, and it illuminated big misshapen shadows on the aged walls of the barn. They twisted and danced in contorted shapes as the flame flickered within its glass walls. As Riley watched the flames dance they began to look like people, and he quickly looked away.
Farmer Carver jerked away sharply and gave no acknowledgment to Jay's presence. He dug deeper in the chest and pulled out a small knife. It was so puny and ordinary, but Carver lit up like a roaring fire. "Found it! Damn thing, damn thing."
"Why were you looking for that?" Jay asked and Carver grabbed a large weight, Jay was surprised Carver could lift it in his old age.
Carver placed the puny knife down on his workbench and in the next instant he swung a heavy weight down hard against the blade, shattering it and sending shards flying in every direction.
The metal fragments flew to the ground, skipping on the floor and casting quick shadows across the illuminated wall. Riley flinched and raised a hand to shield his eyes.
"Jay, should we go?" Riley spoke without thinking, his words flooding up his throat and tumbling out of his mouth. He wanted to be brave, but the more the shadows flickered against the wall the larger they grew and he didn't like it.
"Are you hurt, Riley?" Jay asked, eyeing Riley and Connie for cuts from the flying debris.
Riley shook his head. "No I just… got homework." He said quietly.
Farmer Carver nodded with satisfaction and slammed the weight down on the blade again, bashing it over and over until Jay put a hand on his shoulder again.
"Carver? You need to listen to me. You gotta stop doing that."
His words were lost on Carver as he grabbed the handle of the blade and threw it against the wall. It crashed and fell into a large, messy pile of broken handles and shattered weapons that Jay hadn't noticed before.
Jay felt his patience boil over, at the constant feeling of being at the mercy of others and the secrets they kept. "Why are you doing this?" Jay demanded and Farmer Carver finally looked at him.
"You shouldn't be here, your shift is over. I've got things to find." He muttered and shoved Jay away. "Stupid, damn things." He muttered and began rummaging through the chest again. "Maybe I have some hidden away, they'll have to go."
Jay stood still, frustrated and unsure what to say. Connie looked at him and seemed to pick up on this. She took a deep breath and forced her feet to move.
She crossed the room and knelt down beside Carver, tucking her skirts down so that they were wrapped tight around her legs. "Why do they have to go?" She asked faintly.
"Because they're coming." Carver answered sharply, as if the answer was obvious. The light flickered faster and Riley twitched.
"Who's coming?" Connie pushed. She ran her hands down her legs and grasped her ankles.
"They're coming and they'll be furious if we have these." Carver murmured and he threw another handle at the pile to punctuate his statement. "They don't want us to fight. If we fight they won't let us live."
Jay felt sweat break out on the back of his neck. "Carver." He demanded, "Tell us who's coming. Tell us now."
"Ain't you listening?" Carver yelled and Connie flinched, letting go of her ankles. "They'll kill us all if we try and use these against them!"
Jay racked his brain trying to think of someone that could help, someone that would know what to do. Jay never had the luxury of knowing many people he could trust, and all his mind could come up with was his dad.
He turned to Connie, "I could go get my father, and maybe he'll know what to do." Jay offered, and Carver became completely still, like a cord had been run through him and was just drawn tight.
"No!" He exclaimed and he stormed forward, corralling them all toward the door and wielding the weight he held the whole way. "Not your father, no! He'll try to stop me. He won't listen, he doesn't understand. He thinks he can stop it from happening."
Carver glared at Jay and he lifted the weight and slammed it against a small gun. A loud bang rang out through the farmhouse when the weight made contact and Riley covered his ears.
"Damn thing! Damn thing!" Carver seethed, as the gun did not bend beneath the weight. "Don't you know they're coming?" he yelled at the gun and Jay led them out the door silently.
Connie glanced behind her and then at the boys apologetically. "I thought maybe we could get through to him, but he's not listening."
"What is he talking about?" Riley asked and Jay shook his head.
"I don't know, buddy."
"But who's coming?" Riley asked, and Jay began walking back to town, with the other two following.
"No ones coming Riley, if there was anyone dangerous out there we would have heard about it by now." Jay answered.
As he spoke Jay realized that maybe he was saying this less for Riley and more for himself.
"But he seemed so sure…" Riley began, and he bounced nervously on his heels.
"I don't think we're doing ourselves any favors fretting over it." Jay began, as he didn't have much else to offer in a way of comfort.
"Are you really going to get dad?" Riley asked.
Jay thought about that night in the shed, when his father had found them. He remembered the way his veins had wriggled under his skin and he could still hear his yelling voice in his mind. He remembered how it felt when his father grew ten feet and bore down on him. "No…" He said slowly, he didn't want to do that to Farmer Carver. Maybe he'd get over it himself.
"Jay…" Connie began softly, "I think there's more to this."
"I think we're just scaring ourselves, Connie." Jay answered and he looked down. "I'll go check on him tomorrow morning, I'll check on him early."
She nodded slowly. "Tell me how he is tomorrow, okay? Come by the schoolhouse tomorrow and let me know. I'll be worried sick if you don't."
"I will." Jay responded, and he and Riley walked back to their porch together.
The boys were quiet for a long time, listening intently to the silence of the night as Riley picked at the peeling paint on the railing.
"That was weird." He commented and peeked at Jay. "Kinda scary too." Jay knew Riley was pushing him to talk, Riley could never help but push and he was never very subtle.
Jay stared out at the mountain slopes on the outskirts of town. "You okay?" He asked.
Riley shrugged and sat down on the chair on the porch, where he swung his legs back and forth. "Yeah I mean, it's nothing right?"
Jay shook his head, "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, Riley. So don't go worrying about that. Ain't nothing gonna happen to you."
Riley smiled gently and looked down at his hands, where he pulled a chunk of paint apart into tiny pieces.
"Don't you believe me?" Jay asked with a frown and Riley nodded quickly.
"Of course I believe you. You ain't a liar." Riley tore the small paint pieces into smaller pieces.
Riley fell silent and Jay felt worry overcome him. He didn't want Riley to pull away.
"I'm gonna get us out of here Riley." Jay blurted out, and as soon as he saw Riley's expression lift he continued in a rush, "I swear it, we'll leave this town, and we'll go somewhere happy."
Riley stared for a moment, before his face broke into a familiar grin. "Where will we go?"
Jay leaned forward on the railing, it creaked ominously but he ignored it. "Where do you want to go?"
"Virginia." He answered quickly and Jay raised an eyebrow.
"That was quick."
Riley jumped up on the railing, his usual energy quickly returning. Jay felt the urge to remind him to get off the railing before it broke, but he smiled to himself and let it go.
"I read about it in the books at school, and I know a kid who's been there." Riley gazed out at the horizon dreamily, "It sounds real nice."
Riley looked back at Jay, who was watching him intently. "And I wanna be there with you."
Jay smiled one of his rare, bright, and beautiful smiles and stood a little straighter. "We could live someplace safe, somewhere on the water."
Riley nodded earnestly, "And have a garden, we'll grow flowers."
Jay felt his heart lift in his chest, up from where it had sunk to his feet and stayed there for so long. He felt it float back up to where it should be, the place where it felt comfortable and right.
He felt his lungs expand back to the size they should be and fill with air as Riley grinned his brilliant grin at him that made him feel proud and reassured.
"It would be a long road getting there," He began. Even as he spoke he knew his trepidation was nothing more than a façade.
"But we can do it together!" Riley exclaimed.
Jay leaned back, he could never deny something that made Riley so happy. "Then we will."
"Promise?" Riley asked.
"Promise." Jay answered. Riley stuck out his hand, demanding that Jay shake on it. Jay laughed, grasped his hand firmly and shook.
Riley swung his legs and smiled gleefully, and a few minutes later Riley went to bed, leaving Jay standing alone on the porch.
Jay looked out at the trails before him, where the road resembled long, jagged insect legs. With each second that passed the pavement seemed to retract, pulling father away from the house and into the mountains.
He frowned to himself, it had always looked accessible, like you could reach the road in just a few steps, but now it looked so far away.
The road didn't look close like he thought it did before. Maybe it never had.