AN - Wow, I'm surprised how much attention this story got, and so fast too. Don't expect updates to be as fast as this normally, cause it won't happen. Nonetheless, here is the second instalment of madness. I hope you enjoy, and please drop a review on your way out of any suggestions for craziness we can throw in on our journey. I don't promise to use them all, but we'll see how stupid we can make this while still being readable :P

Chapter 2

Hmm. Not Quite as Snaky as I Remember...

Harry tapped his hand against the table, the only sign of nerves he allowed himself to show. Voldemort, along with Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange, were due any minute. Fudge, who'd forced himself into the meeting, waffled to Dumbledore about the end of the war, crowing that he'd be forever known as the Minister who brought an end to the war.

Harry rolled his eyes at Professor Snape, who was currently glaring at the Minister as though he was trying to make the idiot catch fire through willpower alone.

A sharp shock of pain in his scar alerted Harry to Voldemort's arrival and he winced. If they were going to do this, that would be the first thing that needed sorting. Harry wasn't willing to walk around with his scar pounding for the rest of his days. A knock on the door alerted the rest of the room to the newcomers.

Dumbledore called for them to enter, and Harry straightened up in his seat slightly. Why this had to be done at Hogwarts, Harry still wasn't sure, but he'd been happy to concede the planning of the meeting to the Headmaster.

Three men entered the room, and Harry couldn't stop his eyes widening when he looked at the one in the middle. Where he'd expected Lord Snakiness to make an appearance, Tom Riddle stood in all his glory. The only likeness Harry could see to the Reptile Lord was the blood red eyes, currently flashing with a smug amusement.

Damn, but the man was as sexy as he was evil.

"Tom," Dumbledore greeted cheerfully. "Lucius, Rodolphus, it's a pleasure to see you again."

Harry snorted.

"Something funny, Potter?" Tom asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Apart from the ridiculous niceties in the room? No, nothing at all. Can we get on with this please? Your presence gives me a headache."

"That's no way to speak to your future husband, Mr Potter," Lucius said, a warning in his tone. "Besides, you should get used to My Lord's presence, since you will be spending so much time with him."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I wasn't being rude, Asshole. He literally gives me a headache. My fucking scar is on fire!"

Tom and Lucius both frowned, and Severus sighed. "Here, Potter," he murmured, handing over a small jar. "It's a numbing cream. Rub it on your scar, it should give you at least some respite from the pain."

"We'll have to work on something for that," Voldemort added. "He cannot be screaming in pain whenever I am around him. It would get awfully tiresome."

"Shall we all sit?" Dumbledore asked, gesturing to the empty chairs.

Tom sat down in the seat across from Harry, Lucius and Rodolphus on either side of him. Lucius took out a contract and lay it down flat on the table. "Perhaps, Mr Potter, you could begin by telling us the terms you want to change."

"It would be easier to tell you which ones I don't want to change," Harry muttered, taking out his own contract and laying it in front of him. Severus leant over to look at the notes Harry'd scattered all over it.

"Very well, we'll go through them one by one," Lucius drawled.

Harry nodded his agreement.

"The first term then," Rodolphus began. "You will take the Dark Lord's name. Is there a problem with that?"

Harry nodded again. "There is. I am the Head of Two Ancient and Noble Houses. I won't lose either one of them."

Tom glared at Harry. "You are to be my husband. You should carry my name."

Harry shrugged. "So I'll add it. I'm not losing my identity, just because you want a trophy husband."

"Lord Harry James Potter-Black-Riddle, then?" Lucius asked, taking notes.

"Bloody hell, that's a right mouthful, ain't it?" Harry muttered, rolling his eyes. "But it'll do."

"My Lord?"

"Acceptable," Tom said, nodding his head at Lucius.

"Let's continue then," Lucius said. "Term two. Upon the confirmation of the Union between you, the war between the light and dark will cease to continue."

Harry nodded. "As it's the only reason I agreed to this meeting, that term stands as is."

"Term Three. Lord Potter will consent to spending time with Lord Voldemort whenever Lord Voldemort requires it."

"That's bollocks," Harry muttered. "Lord Potter will consent to spending time with Lord Voldemort at previously agreed upon times. I will not be your call boy."

Snape snorted, and even Rodolphus had to cover a smirk.

Tom sat up a little straighter in his seat. "What if a function happens to take place on a day we haven't agreed upon?"

"That's why we're here," Harry replied coolly. "To agree the terms of our arrangement. Don't forget, I still have a year of schooling left."

"That's ridiculous. I'll have tutors fetched in for you."

"I'll finish my education at Hogwarts," Harry replied. "That's none negotiable."

"Then you will spend every weekend with me," Tom growled, his eyes flashing angrily.

"Unless there is a Winzengamot meeting scheduled, in which case, my House duties must come first."

"Agreed. I will also require your presence for Ministry functions and the like."

Harry nodded. He'd have to go to those anyway, so it honestly made no difference to him. He was interested to know why Voldemort thought he would be invited to Ministry functions though.

"After you've finished with your Hogwarts Education, I will require you to live with me full time, though I am willing to negotiate on the amount of time you actually spend at my home."

"If you require me to live with you, then I will be allowed to come and go as I please. There will be demands on my time, and that's without taking into account my work schedule when I decide what to do with my life."

"You will spend a minimum of four nights a week in my home, extenuating circumstances notwithstanding."

"What do you class as extenuating circumstances?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrow slightly.

"Should you be required to travel for your job or House Duties, or I suppose, should your... friends be in hospital or... otherwise need you."

Harry almost laughed at the distaste Tom showed as he spoke. He nodded his agreement nonetheless.

"Term Four," Rodolphus said once Lucius had finished noting the changes. "Lord Voldemort, as the dominant in the relationship, will provide housing, clothing, food and any other necessities for Lord Potter."

"That's unnecessary," Harry replied. On his own contract, he had simply scratched that term out completely. "I won't argue that Voldemort is the dominant, because... well, because it's likely true, but I don't need anyone to provide for me. I have more than enough money to support myself and ten others comfortably for many lifetimes."

"Regardless, it is the proper way," Tom replied simply, sitting back in his seat.

"Actually, Harry could be classed as the dominant partner," Dumbledore put in. Harry had almost forgotten he and Fudge were present, they'd been so quiet. "He is the one that holds two Lordships."

"I am the heir of Slytherin, therefore, I hold the higher title," Tom growled.

Harry laughed. "I am the heir of Gryffindor, so that doesn't make one jot of a difference. Look, if you wanna be the dominant partner, have at it, it makes no difference to me. I just don't need you to be responsible for material things that I can buy for myself."

Lucius sighed. "Leave the term in the contract, but I'll add a clause that states Lord Potter may buy anything he deems necessary for himself. Is that satisfactory to you both?"

Harry shrugged. "Sure."

Tom nodded sharply.

"Term Five, Lord Potter will consent to a 'traditional' Wizarding marriage and extend all marital privilege to Lord Voldemort."

"This needs to be made clearer," Harry said, clearing his throat.

"You will agree to a full marital relationship, Lord Potter, including an emotional bond, and a sexual bond."

Harry sighed. Why was Wizarding Marriage so bloody complicated? He'd been hoping to get away with the standard Political bonding, which was much the same as a Muggle Marriage in that it could be easily broken.

"Is this negotiable?" he asked, looking at Voldemort. He had a feeling it wasn't.

"No. It is the only term I refuse to change."

Harry dropped his head for a moment, before he looked up again and nodded at Lucius. "Very well."

"Term Six. Lord Potter will agree to not hurting the Death Eaters if they are in attendance in Lord Voldemort's home."

Harry snorted. "As opposed to if I run across any of you elsewhere? Send Pettigrew to the Ministry, or let me kill him, and I'll agree to only using magic against your Death Eaters in self defence."

Tom nodded. "I'll have him delivered to the Head of the Auror Department on the eve of our wedding. Call it an early gift."

"Good."

"Term Seven. Lord Potter will allow Lord Voldemort to acquire him a bodyguard that will be with him at all times when out of the marital home."

"Why?" Harry asked. "I'm not saying no, I just want to know your reason for this term. As it stands, the only people I'm in any real danger from are those carrying your mark."

"When the news of the marriage breaks, there will be people who wish to attack you to get at me," Tom explained quietly. "No matter our history, Harry, I have no wish to see you injured in my name."

Harry's eyes widened as realisation struck. Understanding dawned on Harry as he finally figured out the real reason behind the marriage contract and he choked down a laugh. When he was in Gringotts accepting his Lordship rings, he'd consented to the Goblins running a medical check on him, and they'd found the anomaly behind his scar.

Harry had assumed at the time that Voldemort wasn't aware that Harry was housing a portion of his soul, but now...

"Who will the bodyguard be?"

Tom tilted his head to the side again, glancing between Harry and Snape.

"Severus Snape."

Snape rolled his eyes when Harry looked at him.

"You knew about this?" Harry asked.

"Of course I did, Potter."

"And you're willing?"

"Hmm. Deal with one miscreant, or continue teaching and deal with hundreds... you do the math."

Harry laughed. "Alright."

"Term Eight. Lord Potter agrees that the marriage will produce at least one heir."

Harry nodded. "I agree to this in part. The surrogate that will carry will be approved by both of us, and our child will know love. I will not have a child born, only to be raised a political tool."

Tom nodded. "Agreed."

"That is all of the terms in the current contract covered," Lucius said, noting the final changes to term eight. "Is there anything else to be added?"

"Yes. Lord Voldemort will not attack any of Lord Potter's guests at the Marital Home, unless it is in self-defence," Harry said, looking down at his own contract notes.

"My Lord?" Lucius asked, quill poised to add Term Nine.

"I agree to that," Voldemort murmured. "We must set a date, and discuss preferences for the wedding. Would you like to do that now, or arrange another meeting?"

Harry raised an eyebrow at the polite tone, but shrugged. "Whichever you prefer, I suppose."

"Then we shall do it now. Lucius, send for Narcissa," Tom ordered.

Harry sighed. "Started something now, haven't we? Witches and Weddings..."

Snape chuckled.

"Perhaps you'd like to call in someone who know's your personal taste, Lord Potter, so that they may collaborate with Narcissa?" Rodolphus suggested.

Harry nodded. "Kreacher."

The Black Elf popped into the room beside Harry, bowing deeply. "Lord Black calls Kreacher?"

"Yes. Will you go and see Andromeda, and ask her if she'd be willing to work with Lady Malfoy to plan my wedding to Lord Voldemort?"

Kreacher blinked, before he replied, "Yes Master."

Harry chuckled. "If she's willing, fetch her here if she's not busy."

Kreacher popped out of the room.

"That was different," Snape murmured. "What did you do to him?"

"I accepted the Black Lordship and told him if he didn't shape up, I'd rent him out to Muggle-borns until he died."

"Creative."

Harry nodded. "I thought so."

Lucius appeared then with Narcissa, and the men in the room all stood when she entered.

"My Lord," she greeted, bowing deeply to Voldemort. "Lord Potter Black," she followed up with, bowing to Harry.

"Lady Malfoy," Harry greeted with a smile, bowing his head to her. "It's a pleasure."

She smiled at him graciously before sitting down in the seat Lucius pulled out for her. Kreacher popped back into the room holding a piece of parchment out to Harry as the men retook their seats.

Harry took it, read it and chuckled.

Harry James!

If you're having me on, it's not funny, young man! Getting married to Lord Voldemort indeed! You come and see me this instant, and explain yourself!

"If you'll all excuse me for ten minutes while I go and calm Andromeda down, we can continue as soon as I return," Harry said, standing up. When Tom nodded, Harry held his hand out to Kreacher, who popped him away.

"Harry! What on earth is going on?!" Andromeda shrieked when Kreacher deposited him in her kitchen.

"Well... you see, this is how it happened..."