Chapter 9 – It's Killing Me

He awoke with a jolt, unaware that he'd fallen asleep in the first place. It was an awful feeling. Disorientating, even. The last thing he could remember was holding onto Sakura's uninjured hand (the other was broken, the civilian doctor had informed them, and looked as though it had been crushed beneath a heavy weight, though wasn't beyond repair – of course, Danzo wouldn't permanently damage one of his best, even if he was reluctant to admit that a woman was one of his best) and hoping more than anything that she would pull through it in one piece.

Hesitantly, Shisui sat up, holding a hand over his eyes as a creeping fear wrapped itself around his heart, making his stomach twist sharply. It was what he'd childishly tried to avoid – sleep, he meant. Having his Sharingan deactivated was the last thing he wanted, as he knew there was every chance of him never seeing again once it was. The strain it caused was unbelievable, causing his head to feel as though it was throbbing, causing his eyes to burn. He swallowed hard. There was no way to avoid it now. No way to prevent it. He'd screwed up massively, wanting nothing more than to be there for Sakura when she woke up, wanting to fight by her side and not be a hindrance when they fought to take back Konoha.

What use are you?

Shisui was tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, just as he'd done countless times since his 'return'. Those days had been his darkest without a shadow of a doubt. Some days not even Sakura's unwavering support had been able to break through that darkness. She'd done all she could to help him, to try and ease his suffering, but it was impossible. Without his sight, he wasn't even a shell of his former self. A shell was too good for the state he'd become.

You can't protect her. You can't even fend for yourself.

"–and you're sure she's waking up?"

His fists clenched and he tried to get a feel of the room, still too wary of opening his eyes. No longer was Shisui beside Sakura's bed. Nor was he in the medical room. He recognised the scent of his sleeping bag and futon, could recognise the noise that went on in the background after he welcomed it unwillingly. Children were playing half-heartedly, the women were nattering, trying their hardest not to show their exhaustion and the men were shuffling around, trying to find some way of supporting them all. It was all so miserable to him.

Footsteps approached from his left and Shisui breathed out slowly, already aware of the fact that it was Itachi – he could sense his chakra. Still, he refused to open his eyes. Couldn't. Just the thought of opening them made his heart clench painfully.

"Shisui."

His eyebrows knitted together and he could feel others watching him. "Why am I out here?" he asked gruffly.

There was a sigh. When Itachi next spoke, his voice was closer, telling him that his friend was more than likely kneeling beside him. "You were exhausted and it would have done more harm than good to sleep in such a position for so long."

"You had no right-"

"It has been twenty-seven hours since you fell asleep, Shisui."

Twenty-seven? There was no way that was true. But… What reason would Itachi have for lying to him about it?

"Your emotions are heightened due to the stressful circumstances," he continued without pause. "This means you are not thinking rationally." Lowering his voice so that the others wouldn't hear him, he admitted, "I need you, Shisui. Sakura also needs you. But we don't need you the way you are acting now. We need your judgement, your quick reactions-"

There was no stopping his snap of, "I'm not that person anymore."

But Itachi's response was just as quick as he told him, "Yes, you are. You are simply being oppressed by your depression."

Was his friend suddenly becoming naïve? "It is not as simple as snapping out of it, Itachi."

"I know."

"Then stop talking such nonsense-"

"You have already achieved what Hokage-sama believed would never happen. Not only did you activate your Sharingan, but you activated your Mangekyō. That alone fills me with enough hope to know that the person you once was is still there."

Ridiculous. It was all getting so ridiculous. How in the hell was he supposed to be the same person? How was he supposed to go on living like nothing had happened? Like he hadn't somehow been sent eight years into the future? Or that his eyes hadn't been burned so badly it made the medics' believe they should've been liquefied? Or the crushing depression that never let up for a single moment? How the hell did he come back from that and return to the person he once was?

Either Itachi didn't notice his growing anger or he didn't care enough about it, because he went on to say, "I want you to be by my side when we take back Konoha, Shisui. I will need your strength to defeat Danzo-"

Just thinking of that vile excuse of a man filled Shisui with a deep rage, one he couldn't control. His eyes snapped open, body feeling ten times hotter despite the freezing temperature as he yelled, "I can't!"

It was like all movement – no, all life in the room came to a screeching halt. The children stopped playing. The women stopped nattering. The men looked at him as though they'd been wondering who would snap first and when.

Itachi wasn't surprised in the least. In fact, he smirked.

And he could see it. Albeit, his vision was blurred slightly and he had to focus hard on the details, but it was no different than what it was before activating his Sharingan. It was the same. Activating it… Despite what he'd been warned, it hadn't negatively affected his sight at all. Was that because of all the time he'd spent in Katsuyu's world? Was it because of the induced coma? Was it Sakura's chakra being sent to Katsuyu that aided in the miracle?

As for Itachi…

Shisui smirked, lowering his head a little in an apology he couldn't say in that moment. His throat was too tight, chest weighed down with the intense emotions he could feel. That kid knew right from the start how to push his buttons. He knew how to rile him up, how to get a reaction. And understanding how Shisui was feeling, Itachi had deliberately pissed him off.

But none of that mattered.

He could see.

"Itachi, c'mon," they heard Naruto yell impatiently from the corridor, too busy rushing towards the medical room. "She's waking up."

There wasn't a second of hesitation in their standing, both men glancing to each other and pausing. It had those traitorous thoughts drifting to the front of Shisui's mind once more, making him question the bond Sakura had with him. Even if it was just friendship for her, was it more for Itachi? The way he'd handled her, the way he always cared for her told him it had to be more. But Itachi had always been a gentle kid, had always taken care of those who were important to him. How was this any different?

No, whatever it was, it didn't matter. Sakura was his main concern.

"Come," he muttered while walking away, leaving his futon a mess and not caring in the slightest. It didn't really matter.

He heard Itachi following him and in response those thoughts continued to try and take control of his mind. Thoughts of the three years they spent together wishing Sasuke would return to them. Thoughts of them bonding over their pain. Thoughts of their relationship developing into more than–

No.

Shisui willed the automatic response to his rampant emotions to stop, willed himself to remain calm. He couldn't overdo it. He had to be there for Sakura. He–

At the same time as his hand pressed to the wall, another reached out for him, steadying Shisui when his head began to swim. His other hand came to his head, covering his eyes. It'd been a while since he'd suffered with dizzy spells and he couldn't remember if they were ever so sickening when he was younger and had first awakened his Mangekyō. It felt like the whole world was spinning and would never be normal again and his stomach lurched in response.

"Shisui-"

"Check on her," he muttered, tongue feeling thick.

His friend shook his head and eased Shisui into a sitting position, helping him place his head between his knees and encouraging him to take deep breaths. All the while he stayed by his side, watching worriedly and waiting loyally. It had Shisui breathing out a shaky sigh, wondering just when the hell he'd been given any reason to doubt his best friend. Itachi had never done anything to hurt him. It simply wasn't in his nature.

"Breathe," Itachi murmured and placed his hand on his back, giving a small smile. It was clear that he was tired, though – no, he was exhausted. "We will check on Sakura together."

He couldn't nod his assent, but as always, Itachi understood him.

He merely hoped Sakura could forgive him for not being there when she awoke.

The dizziness lifted, but not in time to make it before Sakura woke up. He needn't have worried, however. She seemed out of it for a while, first staring up at the ceiling blankly before slowly sitting up, frowning at her surroundings in confusion. Not noticing them or acknowledging them, Sakura had then assessed her own injuries, her frown deepening by the minute as she tried to piece everything together. Obviously, she couldn't remember Itachi's rescue mission and couldn't remember waking up the other day.

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto called out quietly, voice uncertain. He was holding himself back. Seeming uncertain and hesitating in the back, whereas Shisui had been sure he'd be right at the front, all but on top of her the second her eyes opened. Not in a sexual way – it was his tendency to overreact to everything, apparently. "How're you feeling?"

Shisui wanted to step forward, to stand by her side as she warily stood up, but found himself unable to move. Everything was so surreal to him. She was moving around, albeit slowly, and taking everything in with those stunning green eyes that he still couldn't see much of other than the bright colour. He was tempted to activate his Mangekyō to see the details of those eyes but held himself back. The day would come. He would see those beautiful eyes in full force soon. And he would be a goner.

"Where am I?"

Her voice… It was ridiculous, but he felt himself relax somewhat at the sound of it. The familiarity was welcomed wholeheartedly. It reminded Shisui of the days they spent together around his home and he shut his eyes, savouring the moment.

"You're safe," came Naruto's reply and he tried to smile. "We're far away from Konoha."

"Safe…"

Shisui frowned.

"Safe from what?"

"Oi," Naruto said with a shaky chuckle. It was clear from his paling face that he was uncomfortable. "Don't tell me you can't remember anything."

Gods, Shisui wanted to see more. He wanted to witness every little detail on her delicate features and how they looked when she frowned, when she laughed, or when she cried. What made it worse was her sudden turning away from them. Her dainty hand reached out, fingertips running gently on the clan's emblem carved into the wall. Then, that same hand stilled, inching towards her stomach before dropping uselessly to her side.

So, she did remember. A selfish part of Shisui hoped she wouldn't.

"I…"

The words died on her tongue and he noticed Itachi gesture to the table once Sakura had turned to face them. It wasn't too large and was more than capable of seating six people, but when Sakura sat at the table, all alone, it looked thrice its size. It made his chest give an uncomfortable squeeze. That squeezing grew steadily worse when nobody moved to sit with her. He understood their hesitation, though. Even he couldn't make himself move to sit beside her.

"What do you remember?" the blond pushed when the silence grew too much for him.

There was a frown of what Shisui presumed was confusion and once again, he found himself tempted to activate his Sharingan.

Finally, someone approached her and he noticed the way Sakura's eyes instantly met with Itachi's, widening a fraction. Whatever expression was on her face, it was enough for him to stop his approach and sigh. Fear, perhaps? After a moment, he told her, "I find it helps clear my thoughts when I start from the beginning, with easier information, before slowly making my way to the more difficult things."

"Small stuff?"

It was obvious she needed a drink to soothe her throat. Another agreed with him, passing her a canteen that she was hesitant to drink from. For a few moments, she stared down at it, neither reaching for it nor looking away from it, almost like she was stuck in a trance. Sighing, Kakashi unscrewed the lid for her, but made no move to push it closer to her. Something was clearly going on in that mind of hers and they all knew not to pressure her.

"Your name and age." Itachi stepped forward, his back now to Shisui as he watched her closely. "Information such as that."

Slowly, unsurely, she nodded, glancing around herself. He wondered what kind of expression it was to make the others look away so quickly. Keeping his Sharingan deactivated was growing more difficult by the minute when all he wanted to do was look at her.

Then she completely surprised him by going along with Itachi's words, murmuring croakily, "My name is Haruno Sakura. I'm…" It made him ache inside that for a moment, she couldn't even remember how old she was, that she had to work it out like it was an intense mathematical problem. "I'm seventeen years old." Her head lowered and he assumed she was staring down at the table. "Konoha was attacked by ROOT. So…" Her voice broke and in response, Shisui felt his stomach twist. He wanted to reach out to her so badly. "So many people died. I-I couldn't save them."

The pain in her voice was too much. It felt like it was killing him inside.

"I was taken captive, along with many others. I shared a cell with Hyuuga Hinata until I helped her escape." Something hardened in her and he heard the gritting of her teeth. "She had to get out of there. With the way things were going, she wouldn't have lasted another night. Not with the state they left her in."

Shisui narrowed his eyes. He'd never witnessed Sakura's anger for himself but he'd heard it was something to avoid at all costs, especially when he had no way of defending himself. Was he about to see her anger? Just what was she capable of when infuriated? He'd only heard stories – some of which were surely exaggerated.

"Breathe," Itachi murmured like it was something he'd ordered her to do several times in the past. Still, he made no move to sit with her. Shisui couldn't help but question why. "Continue with what you remember."

Sakura stared at him for what felt like the longest time after that and frustratingly, Shisui couldn't understand why. What expression was she wearing? Was she confused? Annoyed? Defiant? Submissive? He wanted to know so badly.

His fists clenched.

"In return for her escape, the torture went up a notch. I finally got breaks between the sessions with Ibiki, though," she said bitterly and on the table, her fists clenched, her eyes still locked on Itachi's. Shisui was unsure whether his friend was staring back. Probably was, though. "He told Danzo the first time they got stuck in that I wouldn't last long with the new level of torture if it was constant. Of course, Danzo didn't like that. He wanted to break me as quickly as possible. Wanted me on his side. But how could I when…"

Finally, Itachi took a step forward, his head dipping slightly like he was trying to catch her eye. Had she looked away? Was there a distant look in her eye? "When?" he pushed.

She got lost again, leaving the rest of the room holding their breaths as they waited for her to continue. For a while, she didn't. And when she finally did, Sakura didn't start from where she left off. She started a whole new memory, blinking several times like she was coming out of a trance.

"There was a glitch in the security. A glitch that came from within the Uchiha District. Danzo assumed it was the clan conspiring against the village."

"What?" Sasuke snarled and pushed away from the wall, causing her head to snap in his direction, those green blurs he could see widening.

"You…"

He grit his teeth and just from the shift in the air Shisui could tell Sasuke was growing restless, no doubt holding himself back. It had him narrowing his eyes dangerously. It was one thing for Sasuke to yell at Hinata, a girl Shisui barely even knew. If he was to verbally attack Sakura…

Sakura's hands were shaking as she clutched at the table, trying to hide the fact she was spooked. "Dead. You're dead. Team Seven's dead. All dead. Everyone. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead-"

Even Itachi looked unnerved by her rushed yell, by the slow rock she began, her wide green eyes fixated on Sasuke's face. While he hadn't seen much of her to know the difference, Shisui could've sworn she was paler than usual.

She was growing hysterical, hands coming to her matted hair and grabbing clumps of it, harshly tugging on the ends. All they could do was stare at the mess of the woman she'd become. Not a single one of them could speak up, could bring themselves to approach her when she was in such a state. They felt their hope crumbling away at the sight of such a strong woman being reduced to an utter wreck.

"Shishou," she whispered and abruptly stopped rocking, facing something they couldn't see and it had Shisui's heart breaking all over again. "What's real? Tell me. I can't take it!"

Kakashi was the one who moved, slowly kneeling before her and holding up his hands when she turned as quickly as she could, crouching. She had to be experiencing pain despite the fact she wasn't showing it. Her wounds were still fresh and the doctor hadn't wanted to give her anything too strong due to the state she was in. It only went to prove how frightened she was, in Shisui's mind. So scared that she couldn't even feel her pain.

"I don't know anything," she snapped in obvious fright. "I don't know where they are. They're probably dead. You killed them."

Even though Shisui wanted to warn him not to, for he could sense the chakra steadily building within Sakura as it began to return to her (which, no doubt, meant trouble for them should she attack), he didn't stop him as Kakashi reached out to her, his hand falling to her shoulder firmly. The atmosphere was intense, the fear she was experiencing faltering as she leaned closer to him, shaking hands gingerly touching his chest, then his mask.

"We're real," came Kakashi's quiet words. They were certain. Resolute. There was no way she could question him. "I promise I'm real."

And when she spoke again, Sakura's voice was childlike, her eyes filling with tears. "Make it stop, Sensei," she begged brokenly.

Behind him, he saw Naruto lift a hand to his face, wiping roughly at it. A second later and his shoulders were shaking. The final member of Team Seven was unmoving from what Shisui could see, but his head was facing another direction so that no one could see whatever expression was on his face.

"I can't stand it," she whispered. "He…"

Shifting, Kakashi blocked her view of everyone else, forcing her to focus only on him. In that moment, he managed to make them all feel insignificant, managed to make them feel as though they were invisible. Not wanting to overcrowd her, only Team Seven, Itachi and Shisui were in the room and they all felt unnecessary as Kakashi stole Sakura's entire attention so effortlessly.

"Tell me," he encouraged gently, giving her shoulder a familiar squeeze.

So she did. Like it was the easiest thing in the world opening up to her former sensei. "They thought it would be ironic to torture me with blood – with Tsunade-shishou's blood."

She didn't hear Naruto's breath leave him like a punch to the gut, didn't see the way he fell back against the wall, head shaking numbly like he didn't want to hear any more. Wherever her story was going, he already knew the end and he didn't want to hear it again. It had dread knotting up in Shisui's chest, making it impossible to breathe.

What had they done to her?

"Tsunade-shishou was terrified of blood after her lover died in her arms. They thought it would be…" She paused, breathing shaky. "They wanted me to not only fear blood, but to think of her whenever I smell blood. They wanted me to think that it was hers. That I couldn't save her no matter how hard I try. That I would never be free from it."

Kakashi eased her into a more comfortable sitting position, placing her at the table once more before sitting opposite her, his aura alone still commanding her full attention. Had he always been able to do that?

"He… He said it was something I had to learn to overcome. Something I had to grow stronger from." There was another shake, but Shisui was certain it wasn't from sadness. It felt too dark. "Danzo said I had to be stronger than Tsunade-shishou in every way. Said she wouldn't have been able to stop the Uchiha Clan from manipulating the Kyuubi and staging a coup d'état."

Even Sasuke couldn't argue. Not when she was getting angry again – and not the short burst he'd seen earlier, the one that was no doubt only a fraction of the wrath she usually displayed. He could feel it in the air. Could see the way the others took a step back, the way they were preparing themselves. Naruto shook away his sadness and stood at full attention. Sasuke's eyes focused intensely on her features. Itachi strengthened his stance like he was physically capable of going against the monstrous strength Shisui had only glimpsed at.

Kakashi remained seated with her like nothing was even happening.

"Is that why Danzo took over?" he questioned, like a fool poking an aggravated bear.

"He took over before they could strike. In his eyes, the Uchiha Clan was not to be trusted. They were plotting against the village. Wanted to take over."

All other emotion left her as Sakura struggled to keep a lid on her rage and without his permission and despite the searing pain it caused, Shisui felt his Sharingan activate so that he could take in the sight of her. Her features were twisted into a scowl, upper lip curling and her entire body visibly shaking as she struggled to remain in control.

His breath left him at the sight of such a broken beauty.

"In his eyes, Tsunade-shishou wasn't capable of protecting the village or stopping the Uchiha Clan. In his eyes, she was nothing but a weak, emotional woman."

It was only due to his Sharingan being activated that Shisui saw her leap to her feet, that he saw her fist slamming into the table. Kakashi barely made it out in time.

"Shishou was not weak!" came her screech of pure hatred.

The table didn't stand a chance against her strength, instantly cracking in half and collapsing to the ground. But that wasn't what had everyone springing into action. It felt as though the entire hideout was about to come down around them when the floor crumbled beneath her fist, when cracks ran up the walls and bits of the ceiling fell around them. It felt like the quaking would never end. All the while she panted loudly, eyes wide and expression one of fury.

"Sakura, calm-"

She spun on her heel, glaring viciously at Itachi. "Stay the hell away from me," she spat. Her eyes shifted to Sasuke's and then to his own, freezing him in his place for it was the first time she'd glanced his way, but there was no reaction and Shisui wasn't sure what hurt more. Her total lack of acknowledgement, or her following accusations. "This is entirely your fault. If your clan hadn't been so needy, so obsessed with power, none of this shit would have happened. I wouldn't have had to go through any of that. They wouldn't have programmed all this shit into me!"

Realisation had Shisui's knees buckling and giving out on him, had everything around him becoming insignificant as he caught onto what she was trying to say. It explained so much. It explained everything.

They'd programmed her, turning her against them. Against the Uchiha Clan. Possibly against the so-called traitors of Konoha. The rebels.

By his side (for he'd moved when Sakura lashed out), Itachi's eyes widened a fraction.

That was why it had been so easy for him to get her out of Konoha. It was why only a small squad had given chase. They were expecting her to do something, but what? Surely Danzo wasn't foolish enough to believe a kunoichi in Sakura's condition could do anything against so many of them?

Right?

A/N – To the 'Guest' account who was too scared to log into their account to call my plot 'so fucking stupid':

Thanks for taking the time to read through 33,000 words and leave a review, despite how bitchy it was. If you don't like my story or where I'm going with it, don't read it. Don't waste your time writing a pointless review that doesn't explain why you find it so stupid, because it's worthless to me. There's no constructive criticism there, it's just you being a dick.

I feel really bad that that's all I've got time to reply to and I know I'm saying this so many times now: but I promise I'll reply to you all at some point. At the minute I'm juggling full time hours at work (over 39 hours a week), university and family/friends time. It'll be worth it soon enough, I hope. For now, however, some things have to be pushed back and my stories are one of those things, sadly. I still write whenever I get the chance, but whenever I'm not working or at uni or seeing friends/family, I'm sleeping or trying to rest. I hope you all understand.

Thank you!