Chapter 12 – As Long As I Survive

Cold. Everything felt cold. And no matter what she did, she couldn't get comfortable. It felt as though something was missing. Like she wasn't doing something. Something that was… important to her? What was it? Why was it important to her? What was she supposed to do?

Glancing up from the meal they'd set on the table, she saw both Hinata and Tenten digging into their own meals. Naruto, on the other hand, was watching her closely. Whenever she met his eye he quickly averted his gaze, pretending to focus on the food. On the other side of the room sat Kakashi, his nose buried in a familiar orange book. He'd finished his meal in a matter of seconds.

Kakashi… On some level, she could trust him. Whenever she thought of the Copy-nin, all Sakura saw were the times he had protected her and kept her safe – as blurry as they may be, she was fairly certain the memories were real. Hinata, Sakura knew she could fully trust. That woman was the reason she was in the state she was currently in, but Sakura would not reverse their positions for the world. Protecting Hinata. That had been her personal mission ever since the torture began. Was it to remain that way? Or was she supposed to have a new mission now?

The others had zero trust as far as she was concerned.

Those with the Sharingan (except for Kakashi) definitely had none of her trust. Would they be able to earn it? Possibly not. Uchiha Sasuke may have been her teammate, but where had he been when she was being tortured? Where was he when she was being mind-fucked by Danzo? He had even tried using his own Sharingan against her, to 'undo what had been done'.

"Bastard."

Naruto glanced up at her and frowned, pausing in his eating. "What?"

Sakura ignored him.

Could she trust Naruto? Like the others, he had abandoned her. When she returned he hadn't acted the way her memories told her he would. Instead of greeting her with grins and hugs, Naruto had kept his distance and stuck close to Hinata. The change… What happened? He hadn't even thanked her for protecting the girl he was interested in.

Realisation had her freezing.

It wasn't Naruto.

That had to be it. It wasn't Naruto. Whoever it was, it was an impostor. A fake. The real Naruto wouldn't be acting like that one currently was. Quiet. To himself. Not showing a single ounce of gratitude. Sakura's eyes snapped up to Naruto's and narrowed dangerously, fists clenching. He didn't even notice. Why had nobody else noticed that it wasn't Naruto?

"You-"

"Sakura," a voice suddenly murmured from behind her, making Sakura jump and cut off from her accusation. "Will you join me? There is something we must discuss."

Green eyes narrowed at the sight of Uchiha Itachi. He'd remained by her side since she woke up, always telling her to rest and not concern herself with the others. But she'd noticed the way the others at the hideout watched her whenever they walked by the medical room, like they were expecting something from her. What was it? What the hell did they want from her?

"You really are clueless," came the annoyed mutter of her shishou, who sat on her bed with her legs crossed, leaning back on her hands. "Straighten your thoughts out, kid."

How? Everything was scrambled and it hurt trying to sort through it all. It physically pained her sometimes. Like everything had been locked away and she was only allowed snippets of her own memories or personality. To try and access them without permission brought forth a vicious throbbing so intense it threatened to immobilise her. Whatever Danzo had done to her mind… He certainly didn't want her to have access to her old memories. He didn't want her to remember her old life.

It was way past two in the morning, yet there they sat, drinking tea and talking about their shared pain, confiding in one another about the betrayal they felt. Due to being so busy with missions, it was the only time they could talk. Did it look suspicious? Without a doubt. People would soon start spreading rumours. Did it matter? No. They knew the truth.

The night sky was almost fully black, the only thing illuminating it being the odd star. They were seated in the training grounds Team Seven had often used, leaning back against the wooden post Naruto had been tied to. Their sides brushed together and Sakura didn't need the wind to blow his scent towards her for her to know he'd recently showered. Of course, she already knew he would have. He refused to show her the darkness of ANBU, even through something as simple as his scent.

Resting her head on his shoulder, she shut her eyes, breathing in his comfort while silently offering her own. He was quieter than usual that night, making her worry grow.

"We'll get him back," she vowed, free hand pressing to his arm after slipping through his elbow. "Even if we have to drag him home."

Itachi smiled faintly, hesitating for a moment before his cheek lowered to the top of her head. "Aa."

Intimacy? That… wasn't right, was it? The narrowing of her eyes slowly subsided, leaving Sakura to stare up at the man unsurely. Was Danzo screwing with her mind or was that a genuine memory of hers? Gods, she wanted to tear her hair out trying to figure it all out.

Back to the beginning, she told herself. Remember the small things and work up to the bigger stuff. But it was all big stuff, wasn't it? From what she'd felt or seen, she'd once been in love Sasuke – with all her heart, if her memories weren't exaggerated or twisted. But if that was the case, then why would she display such intimacy with Itachi, his older brother? Why would they grow so confusingly close? Then there was Shisui, too. Itachi's closest friend. The one she'd kissed and…

It was all so confusing. Out of all the things Danzo could do to screw with her, why did he choose to do something so juvenile? Was there a reason why he was complicating her supposed love life? What the hell was he hoping would happen? The three men would cave to their basic instincts and fight to the death over her? That she'd mess with their heads so greatly that it-

"I believe it's deeper than merely wanting more power," Itachi argued gently, awkwardly placing his hand atop of her head, trying to silence her wailing. "Our clan may appear as uncaring and emotionless, but that is far from the truth. Please do not underestimate our love for another, Sakura."

Watery green eyes stared up at him unsurely, expression puckering with a frown. "W-What?"

"I believe something may have triggered Sasuke. Something must have happened that pushed him into believing he needed the power Orochimaru offered him. Perhaps someone he loves dearly was harmed and he was unable to help?" He wasn't looking at her, instead staring out at the village, his own features appearing thoughtful. "Have you ever heard of the Curse of Hatred?"

Was that it?

The realisation on her face had Itachi's smoothing out, had him holding out his hand. "You've figured it out."

He already knew? Was it true, then? Was Danzo hoping to trigger them? Surely he wasn't that stupid?

"Come," he ordered. "There is something I must show you."

She didn't hesitate to take his hand, dismissing the others as he guided her from the room. Where he was taking her, she had no idea. But he didn't let go of her hand for a second, leading her to believe he'd grown accustomed to handling her in a such a way. Was that right? Or was that the way she'd handled Sasuke? Or was it Shisui? No, it was Shisui, wasn't it? He'd been blind and had no way of navigating-

"I want to show you why you must remember who you are."

What? Yanking on her hand and forcing them to a halt, she glared up at him angrily, unafraid to show her distrust. "Why?" she snarled, yanking once more to force him to face her. He stared her down calmly, patiently, and it made her angrier. "So that you can take advantage of-"

"I would never take advantage of you."

"Then why the hell do you need me to remember who I am? I-"

Once again, Itachi cut her off, murmuring, "Before you try to unravel the mess Danzo made of your mind, you must first remember why he values you."

She was growing extremely tired of feeling so confused all the time. It was as though every time she completed one puzzle, another three took its place, each growing more difficult with every completion. "Values me? Have you seen what he did to me?"

"Notice how he didn't kill you like he did many others who defied him. He needs you alive, Sakura." Turning around again, his hold increased, tugging her along gently. "Allow me to show you why you are so valued."

"If you use that damned Sharingan, I'll rip it straight out of your-"

"You have my word that I will never use my Sharingan against you."

"Smooth," her shishou muttered in her other ear, the blonde standing close to her side. "This one has always had a way with words, Sakura. Watch him."

"I know," she said in reply to Tsunade, unknowingly replying to Itachi, too. Her words had him sending a minute smile over his shoulder, his eyes softening – the only reason why she figured out he thought she'd answered his promise.

Had there been any romantic feelings between them? Or were her memories a lie? Were they exaggerated? Did that mean she'd fallen out of love with Sasuke? What about Shisui? Had she fallen out of love with Itachi for Shisui? Messing with her head was one thing, but her heart… She could never forgive that. It made her hatred for him grow, if that was even possible. Not only was her heart being trampled on like it meant nothing, but so were others-

"Don't pity these men, Sakura," Tsunade snapped. "That's what they want."

Was it? How could she be so sure? As far as Sakura was concerned, her shishou hadn't known any of the three men in the way she had. She'd only seen them as shinobi. As powerful assets for Konoha (or, in Sasuke's case, a pain in her ass). With or without memories, she…

"You… what?" pushed her shishou, honey brown eyes daring Sakura to go against her.

It took her too long to realise Itachi had taken her to the main hall in the hideout. There was so much suffering, she spotted instantly. And for some odd reason many glanced in her direction like she was the cause of it – no, not the cause. Their gazes were far too hopeful for her to be the villain. What was it, then? Their rescuer? How foolish. How in the hell was she supposed to save others when she couldn't even save herself? When she couldn't even finish one meaningful thought without getting confused and angry?

She'd walked by the main hall a few times in the past few days, but never thought to enter it for purely selfish reasons. She didn't want to see the others. Didn't want them seeing her. She didn't want to see their suffering because…

She pulled away from Itachi, shaking hands balling into fists, eyes widening a fraction in response to the sudden clenching of her heart. Why did it make her hurt? Witnessing their suffering, seeing their pitiful faces staring at her with such hope. They looked to her like she could ease all the pain, but why? How could they assume something so stupid?

A hand falling to her shoulder had her flinching, green eyes darting upwards to find Kakashi watching her encouragingly, his single eye then assessing the hall. "This is who you are, Sakura. I believe Itachi was trying to tell you not to worry about the curse until you find yourself again."

But why would he say that? Why would he do something so selfless? It would leave him and the others in pain, wouldn't it?

"Who am I?" she questioned softly, returning to watching the hopeful people surrounding them.

Some were laying in their beds, probably unable to get up if that awful smell she was picking up on meant anything. Was it sickness? It was familiar, whatever it was. Tugging away at something in her mind, leaving her grasping at random thoughts and memories to try and remember why it was so familiar. There was something else her sensitive nose was picking up on, though. Something just as familiar as the other scent, something that had her eyes narrowing. It brought forth a strange feeling in her chest, made her palms tingle oddly, fingers twitching to weave… hand signs? Why?

"Damn it, Sakura," Tsunade snapped with clear agitation. "You're a medic."

A medic?

Taking another deep breath through her nose, she tried to focus on the scents, curiosity begging her to.

"Focus, Sakura."

Nodding quickly, she strengthened her stance, green eyes focused intently on the steady flow of chakra she could see encasing her hands and the animal before her. The fish was almost dead, the only thing keeping it alive being her chakra and she had a time limit to resuscitate it. If she failed, it would die. Sweat beaded on her brow, slowly slipping down her temple. Keeping her chakra steady was a challenge, even for someone as gifted as herself (in terms of chakra control, she meant). The battle to keep the fish alive was draining and Sakura could feel the tell-tale signs of chakra depletion creeping up on her. She'd only been at it five minutes, if that.

"Push through it," encouraged Tsunade. She didn't lean forward eagerly in her seat, didn't show any outward excitement other than the lifting of an eyebrow. "If you don't push through that wall now, you never will."

I know that already, she snapped back at her (inwardly, of course – she didn't have a death wish). She grit her teeth and willed herself with every fibre of her being to persevere. To hold out just that little bit longer. Please, Sakura begged. Please let me do this.

The effort of keeping her chakra steady was enough to make her hands shake and she began to pant, the edges of her vision blurring. Tsunade was a hard ass, there was no doubt about it, but it wasn't her shishou who was pushing her so hard in that moment in time and the reminder of her words not too long ago had her determination doubling.

"Unless you're willing to push yourself to the edge every time, unless you're serious about this, do not waste my time. I will not have weak medics who give up easily."

Harsh? Maybe. Motivating? Hell yeah.

With one last burst of chakra, the tail of the fish suddenly sprang to life, soon followed by the entire body as it struggled on the table. After only a few seconds, it managed to bounce its way over to the tank Tsunade kept next to the table.

"Shannaro," she whispered, the green glow of chakra vanishing instantly.

Her world span, her relief and pride only momentary, but her fall towards the ground was just as fleeting as those emotions and she was soon gifted with the sight of her shishou's proud smirk, her honey brown eyes creasing.

"Well done, Sakura," she said earnestly, holding her up with gentle hands. "I'm proud of you."

Tsunade.

Her shishou was…

A weight suddenly made itself known, crushing down on her chest. It wasn't nearly as overwhelming as the realisation that had her backing up, bumping into someone's chest. She was quick to move away, covering her ears because it was there. Her blood. They were going to use it against her again. They were going to make her drink it, or drip it up her nose while holding her upside down, or… or…

"Shishou," she cried out, spinning on her heel to try and spot the head of blonde hair. Where was she? Where was she? She needed her. The reassurance. The safety. The person who knew exactly what she was thinking, who helped her sort through her strategies. "Shishou!"

Sakura failed to notice the cowering children as they clung to one another or their parents. She couldn't hear Itachi as he tried to calm her. Didn't notice Kakashi trying to usher her from the room. She was far too concerned with finding Tsunade.

She wasn't dead. She wasn't. Couldn't be. No.

"Move," she ordered of Itachi when he stood in her way. "I said move."

"No," he replied simply, staring her down. "You are terrifying the children, Sakura."

The children? Who cared about the fucking children? Her shishou was nowhere to be seen and she was fairly certain Itachi was the one behind it. She'd been by her side until Sakura foolishly took her eyes off her, after she'd so stupidly ignored Tsunade's warning about him. He'd taken her, hadn't he? It was like Danzo said: the Uchiha Clan couldn't be trusted. They'd taken Tsunade from her. They killed her.

"Sakura-"

"Don't touch me," she warned darkly, keeping both Itachi and Kakashi in her line of view as she slowly backed away from them, blindly reaching out behind her until her fingertips met with smooth stone. Just as Itachi opened his mouth, she cut him off, snapping, "Don't." She felt her way across the wall, eyes narrowing as she called out, "Shishou?"

She had to be there. She couldn't be dead. What would she do if she was? What would become of her? She needed her shishou.

When she finally found the archway, Sakura grabbed the edge of the wall, glaring at the two men one last time before spinning quickly, prepared to run as though her life depended on it (after all, the hideout wasn't as big as she originally thought, so there weren't many places Tsunade could be held captive), only to be met with an unmovable chest. She grimaced as her nose was squashed against it, but fought hard to remain upright, refusing to be knocked down by the coward who attempted to sneak up on her.

"I swear I'm going to-" She cut herself off when she was met with blood red eyes, anger vanishing rapidly until she could only stare numbly at the man who'd stopped her escape without even trying. "Y-You-"

Much like his chest upon the collision, Uchiha Shisui's features were unmovable, though she could have sworn there was a sadness in his eyes as he held her gaze. "Calm yourself, Sakura."

No, he wasn't real. Shisui couldn't even see, let alone activate his Sharingan. So… Was she back in that cell? Wait, where was she? Breaking away from his stare, she glanced around, quickly taking note of the clan's emblem engraved into the wall, just like it was engraved on her. Why? Why did she belong to the Uchiha like the hideout did? Or was she branded because of her feelings for the three men? Was she a whore? Was that what Danzo was trying to tell her? She was the Uchiha Clan's whore?

"Who am I?" she whispered brokenly, meeting his eyes once more. There was an intense fear that threatened to choke the life out of her, but if he wasn't real, then why should she fear his eyes? It wasn't the real Sharingan. They weren't out of her cell. Tsunade was probably being kept in a different, more discreet cell so that the villagers wouldn't find out about her survival. Just like before. "Who am I?"

It surprised her when a single tear slipped down his cheek, when he whispered just as brokenly in return, "I don't know."

A/N - I wanted to update on Christmas Day for you all, but unfortunately I was driving most of the day so that my sister could spend Christmas with us (she lives in a different town). However, the good news is that I now have a month off work, so when I'm not doing uni work, I can write.

Thank you so much to those of you who congratulated me on my engagement! It truly means a lot to me.

Also, you may have noticed the new cover art for the story. It was created by TobisSenpai and I'm in love with it. It fits the story so perfectly, right? Thank you for creating it!