Chapter 16 – A Love That Wants To Live

She wasn't sure what to think of Shisui. The guy was unpredictable. One moment he was avoiding her like she carried an infectious disease, watching her with guarded, pained eyes. The next, he was confiding in her, saving her life and trying to spend time with her. What was she supposed to think about that? Was she right to feel unsure?

Whatever was happening with him – what was happening with him? What about her? What the hell had she even been thinking before the fall? That memory – the seemingly simple memory – had shaken her. Enough for her to nearly fall to her death.

Love… If her memories served her correctly, then it was such a fleeting emotion. Unless it was her heart that was fickle? For her to love Sasuke so deeply, but to move onto his brother and develop a deeper, meaningful bond with him, only to then discover she also had feelings for Shisui… What did love even mean? Did she even understand it? Could it be understood?

Curiously, Sakura found herself peeking over at the young boy laying in what had once been Hinata's bed. His mother fussed over him endlessly despite her own deteriorating health, always asking him if he was comfortable, if he needed another drink. Was he warm enough? That love was certain to her… at least, she thought it was. The look in his mother's heavy eyes was certain. But they were also helpless. At times, she would look over at Sakura with disdain or disbelief, the growing hatred making her turn away because for some goddamn reason, it hurt.

Her eyes were drawn to the entrance of the medical room when Itachi entered. It was like clockwork now. When the sun began to rise and the inescapable noise of the refugees woke her, Itachi would soon be by her side. Sometimes they talked. Mostly, however, they sat in silence for a solid hour while the others went about their business, the morning rush hour quickly proving to be too much for her to handle. Only when they were settled once more and breakfast was being served would she be able to leave, using the luxurious bathroom that was nothing more than a hole in the ground, mere feet from where they would bathe. Previously, she supposed it would have made her skin crawl. Now, she understood that they couldn't have their… bathroom habits discovered.

That morning, Itachi allowed her extra privacy to bathe – and by privacy, she meant he continued to stand close to her, but trusted her enough to turn his back. She didn't argue. Instead, she warily eyed the flowing water, hesitantly crouching to dip her fingertips in.

She clawed at the barrel, green eyes wide as she screamed and fought with all her might, struggling against the beast of a man who was keeping her head under the water. There was a searing pain in her fingertips as her nails gave way under the pressure of her strength, but it didn't bother her for too long. Not when the edges of her vision dimmed, the water filling her lungs.

It was only when her body slumped against the barrel that they yanked her head out from it, tossing her carelessly to the ground.

Sakura mentally cursed at herself when she instinctively fell backwards, having moved too fast in her need to remove her hand from the water. With shaking hands, she assessed her fingers, swallowing at the sight of them. For the nails she had left, they were filled with crusted blood and debris, the ones without causing her stomach to twist as she stared at them in morbid fascination. She really was filthy, wasn't she? Many parts of her body resembled her nails – broken, coated in dried blood. And her hair…

Weakly, she approached the water once more, daring to glimpse at her reflection. The woman who stared back instantly captured her attention. Pink hair was matted and tinged red in most places and when Sakura felt the back of her head, she noted that it would have to be a short cut. She brushed the hair from her shoulders, ignoring the twinge of discomfort caused by the mats, and felt the wounds around her neck, green eyes narrowing on what she saw via the reflection. They were disgusting to say the least, the noose causing more damage than she'd originally thought. The wounds were struggling to heal – the medicine the doctor had given her was only to combat the infection.

"Sakura?"

Itachi's voice broke through her thoughts and she glanced over her shoulder. Still with his back to her, she noticed the tension of his muscles, the very slight turning of his head before he forced himself to continue facing forward. The trust he was showing her – as wavering as it was – had her breathing out a sigh, a weight she hadn't been aware of easing from her shoulders.

The ground they were on was higher than where she'd been yesterday and it had her wondering how big the hideout was. Sakura breathed in deeply, the cold, crisp air causing a dull ache in her lungs. Winter was going to halve their numbers, of that she was sure. The boy she was sharing a room with probably wouldn't even make it to winter. Neither would his mother. Hell, Sakura knew she was going to struggle fighting through the cold herself, given her weakened condition.

"I…" The words died on her tongue when her gaze returned to her reflection. Could she trust her own mind? She couldn't trust her memories – not entirely. They'd been toyed with and warped, mixing together or locked away completely. How much of her personality was a lie? "I don't know who I am."

He sighed deeply at her words – not out of annoyance, she thought. It sounded more pained then that. Like he was a man who was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and couldn't catch a break.

"I can only answer with what I know of your personality before…" Before she was captured and tortured. Before the devastating fall of the proud village Konoha had once been. "I believe we are all trying to find ourselves," Itachi answered after a pause. "Some of us have to search deeper, but it is a battle we all must face."

It took her much longer to continue the conversation, to force herself to explain to him, "I… I can't get in."

There were no questions. No uncertainty. Itachi always accompanied her. While it would have been more comfortable with a woman being her watcher, she understood he was the only one physically capable of going against her strength. The others, such as Hinata or Tenten, wouldn't know how to counter should she suddenly turn on them. As much as she hated him standing close by while she relieved herself or tried to bathe, she understood his reasoning.

"May I?"

It took more effort than she previously realised to voice her agreement and Sakura felt her throat grow tight when Itachi slowly turned, assessing her as she sat pitifully at the edge of the river. There must have been something in her expression or body language, something that was enough to make him pause in approaching her. Still, he did so, kneeling beside her, closer to the river than she dared.

She was annoyed with herself for flinching when Itachi reached out to the water, other hand in mid-air between them, patient as he waited for her to respond. Unlike his steady hands, her own shook and Sakura squeezed her eyes shut when her skin met his, her mind screaming at her to pull back, to not trust him, to run. Could he hear how heavily she was breathing? Could he hear the thunderous pounding of her heart? She could. It was maddening – she could hear it behind her ears, could feel it pulsating throughout her entire body.

His other hand was wet when it gently touched hers and again, she flinched, though fought the urge to put distance between them. He started slowly, trying to get her used to the feeling of the water as he covered her hand with his. His thumb moved once, twice – it wasn't until the movement was repeated a seventh time that she realised he was attempting to comfort her, his thumb stroking a small, gentle pattern on her skin.

It wasn't without a great amount of trepidation that Sakura opened her eyes, though she found she disliked the look on his face as he stared down at their joined hands. He was lost in his thoughts, his emotional pain easy for her to read and in the same way she'd inspected her mangled fingertips, Sakura continued to watch him, unable to fully comprehend the pain. What hurt him? The state she was in? Their bond or what was left of it?

Slowly, probably trying not to startle her, Itachi cupped his hand in the water, eyes searching hers until she nodded. There was no masking her small sound of fright when the water splashed against her skin, or the increased shaking of her body. Still, she kept her eyes open, trying to breathe through her fear as she watched the droplets of water roll off her hands, dropping to the grass below them. At least the feeling of Itachi cleaning the dirt from her hands was nice… sort of. It certainly distracted her from the sickening memories threatening to overwhelm her.

Bile burned its way up her throat when they shifted closer to the edge, but she didn't fight it. She continued to try and breathe through it, green eyes meeting black, as Itachi's hands carefully made their way up her wrists, her arms and soon enough, her shoulders. However, that was where it stopped, the fear becoming too much when his fingers grazed her shoulder.

"I-I can't," she barely managed to whisper through her panting for breath, her hands behind her, grabbing fistfuls of the grass after collapsing backwards. "They…"

The pained expression was back, Itachi's eyes tight as he asked her, "What did they do?"

She looked to the river, chest rising and falling with her heavy breathing – something she stressed to herself. She was breathing. They were just memories. Danzo wasn't standing somewhere in the background, watching with a cold, disinterested glare as Ibiki closed in on her, his large hand fisting in the back of her hair, other electrifying the water when she continued to refuse to talk and–

"I can't breathe," Sakura whimpered and she fought an invisible force to get away from the river, her legs kicking out weakly. "I c-can't…"

Much to her gratefulness, Itachi didn't make a move towards her, his outstretched hands going to his folded knees. "Couldn't," he corrected quietly. "You are not a prisoner anymore, Sakura. You are here with me."

It disgusted her when tears filled her eyes, wasting no time in running down her cheeks. The sight had Itachi's eyebrows knitting together, his expression twisting in what she could only describe as heartbreak.

"I won't let them harm you again," he swore and despite his voice being quiet, the words were spoken fiercely. "I will protect you."

"I want to protect myself," she eventually managed to reply. The lump in her throat made it difficult to talk and combined with her struggle to breathe… Sakura swallowed hard, nails digging into the dirt like she was trying to anchor herself to it. "I n-need…"

There was a moment of pause before Itachi stood, holding out his hands to her. "Before an infant learns to walk, they first have to learn how to stand – they must learn about balance."

"A-Are you trying to say-"

He cut off her angered, breathless demand, saying, "Not at all. However, you are adjusting to what you have been through, Sakura. To do this – to learn how to live with what happened – you must start from the beginning." It took more convincing than she was comfortable with to take his hands, to allow him to help her stand. "Last week, you struggled to so much as look at the river. Today, we washed your hands. Soon enough, you will diving into the water without flinching."

She doubted it. Pulling her hands free of his, her arms came around her middle, green eyes assessing their surroundings. The scenery was beautiful – at least, that was what a small voice in the back of her mind said – but they were out in the open. Danzo would spot them a mile away if they weren't careful. He would take her back to that place.

"I want to go inside."

Nodding, Itachi didn't question her, instead gesturing for Sakura to lead the way. Of course, she had yet to gain enough trust to walk behind him – not when there were so many places for her to hide and especially not when she had access to her chakra again.

As they approached the medical room, despite her mind telling her not to, Sakura came to a stop and turned, looking up at Itachi. It took a few moments for the words to form, her discomfort once more threatening silence her, but eventually, she found the strength to say, "By next week, I'll wash my feet in the water."

The proud smile in his eyes brought forth a strange feeling in her chest, almost daring her to hope.

"You're lowering your guard."

The condescending voice of her shishou had Sakura lowering her head, inwardly wincing. For the past few days, she'd been watching her closely and more often than not, Sakura caught Tsunade glaring at her, expression alone demanding to know what the hell she was even thinking. At that moment in time, Tsunade was blocking her exit of the medical room.

"They're real," she argued weakly.

"They're also the reason why you're in this state," she spat in return, arms crossing beneath her ample breast. "Don't forget why Danzo attacked Konoha or kept us locked away. We were tortured because of them."

"Where is Uchiha Itachi hiding?"

The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth as Sakura bit down on her tongue in her attempt to remain silent. She struggled against her restraints, body acting on instinct as it recoiled from the flame drawing closer to her skin once more. The heat alone, before the flame even touched her, was enough to blister her skin and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the sight.

"Where is Uchiha Shisui?"

"I can stop this torture," Danzo informed her from the other side of the room. He was stood beside the door, flanked by his ROOT operatives. "All you have to do is tell me where they are."

Nodding, Sakura breathed a deep sigh of relief when the flame was taken away. The blurred vision of Danzo approaching her reclined position had her silently pleading for as much strength as possible, had her gripping a tight hold of the chair she was in.

"Are you finally ready to talk?" he questioned.

Forgive me.

The blood that had filled her mouth flew through the air as she spat at him, somewhat glad to witness his minute flinch when it splattered across his face and robes. There was more than she'd been expecting, but it didn't bother her.

"G-Go to hell," she said with as much venom as possible. Even while fear wrapped around her heart and threatened to make her immobile as Ibiki returned to her side and Danzo walked away, she snarled, "I'll never tell you where they are. You'll have to kill me first."

He wiped the blood from his face with a tissue handed to him by his lackey, muttering over his shoulder, "I won't kill you." She barely heard him as the flame licked her skin, never leaving the spot Ibiki had chosen to burn. Throwing her head back the measly couple of inches she could lift it, she sucked in a sharp breath, begging herself to remain strong. "Willing or not, you are going to submit to me and follow my orders, Haruno."

"No, I made a choice," she argued despite the trembling of her hands. "I chose to stay quiet – nobody forced me to."

"Are you sure?" questioned Tsunade, a single eyebrow raising. "How do you know they didn't force you to stay silent? It's a simple task for eyes as powerful as theirs."

They wouldn't have done that to her… right? Sakura took a step back, glancing around the room unsurely. The mother and her son were both asleep – something they did a lot of due to their constant fatigue. One day, she was expecting to not hear their laboured breaths of a morning. Instead, there would only be silence. Eerie silence that she wouldn't be able to place for a minute or two, mind struggling to understand what was missing in its slow wake from slumber. And there would be nothing they could do for them once she realised they weren't breathing. They would be dead and the world would move on without them.

"Think about it," her shishou pushed. She continued to block the exit, her stance defiant and assertive. "You were certain Uchiha Shisui could barely see, let alone use his Sharingan before the attack on Konoha." Honey brown eyes narrowed. "Why can he suddenly use it? And the Mangekyō, too. You know what sort of power his eyes possess, don't you?"

Faking going blind was impossible, though. He couldn't have faked it. Not when she worked tirelessly on his sight, trying to restore it. Whatever had happened to his eyes was damaging enough to almost liquefy them. It was why she'd been so goddamn certain the Shisui she saw when first waking up was an impostor. She would sooner believe he was an impostor than faking being blind.

"I'm not an idiot," she found herself snarling suddenly, anger pulsing through her.

"No, you're just their pet."

"Go to hell!"

"Sakura?"

The sight of Shisui had her faltering, memories clashing as she felt a searing pain in her mind. Tsunade was yelling at her, demanding to be heard over whatever the Uchiha was saying, refusing to be ignored.

"Kill him before he kills you."

"No," she shouted back at her shishou, green eyes wide with horror. While Tsunade had always ordered her around (it was her duty both as her shishou and her Hokage), she had never outright demanded that she killed someone. No matter how evil that person was, she never told her to kill them. Injure, yes. Maim, yes. But not murder. "Get out!"

Arms were wrapping around her when she tried to run and Sakura thrashed, flinging her body backwards to try and fight the hold. It terrified her when her feet no longer touched the floor, the person lifting her off it altogether in their attempt to subdue her.

"Follow me," she heard someone order.

There was more of them? Damn it, she inwardly cursed and threw her head back, hoping to catch the person's nose. However, they were expecting it, refusing to give her any chance of gaining the upper hand. She heard the man grunt, but not once did he loosen his hold.

"Relax," he told her and she knew instantly that it was Shisui holding her. "I'm not going to hurt you, Sakura."

Damn right he wouldn't. She was tired of people hurting her. She was sick of them thinking they could manipulate her. Growling angrily, Sakura kicked out again, praising herself from she managed to knock him off balance long enough for her to use the wall as momentum, slamming them backwards into the opposite wall. Shisui grunted at the impact and for the briefest of moments, his hold slackened.

That was all she needed to break out, hand grabbing at the wall so that she could push off it.

"Sakura-"

"Don't come near me," she warned darkly, unable to stop her wince when Tsunade continued to yell at her, demanding that she got rid of him.

"Sakura-chan, you-"

"Just grab her," Sasuke snapped and moved forward to try and restrain her.

He was unprepared for her full strength as she threw her arm out, launching him into the wall with a sickening thud. While it didn't cause horrifying damage, it was enough to stun him, to wind him, leaving his red and black eyes to widen, watching her in disbelief. But what the hell was he expecting? For her to give in? Like hell they were taking her back to her cell. She wasn't going to be Danzo's favourite pastime any longer. They weren't going to hurt her again. They weren't going to twist her mind. And if she had to reduce their headquarters to escape, even if it meant her death, then so be it. Whether it was through running or dying, she was escaping. She would be free.

Noticing movement out of the corner of her eye, Sakura prepared herself, fists clenching and she noticed several sets of the Sharingan focusing on the chakra she was summoning.

"Stop-"

"Sakura-"

"Sakura-chan, you're gonna kill-"

"Kill them already!"

"Shut up," she screamed, face flushing red. Damn it, how the hell was she supposed to think when they were all shouting at once? "Shut the hell up!"

With noticeable anger, Sasuke pushed away from the wall, his Sharingan seeming eerier than before due to the building rage on his features, twisting them into a harsh scowl. "You-"

Blue chakra showed around her fists when he made a move towards her and Sakura narrowed her eyes. Had it been the real Sasuke, she would've been worried – no, scratch that, she would never have dreamed of harming him. But that was the point. Tsunade had made her see the truth: they weren't real. The real Shisui couldn't use his Sharingan. He was blind. So who the hell was the man approaching her bravely, coming to a standstill mere feet from her?

Sakura wasn't sure how she felt about Tsunade coming to stand by her side, for the blonde was still muttering her orders like she was stuck on a loop, threatening to drive her insane with her voice alone.

"Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them-"

How bad would the damage be if she was to lash out at her shishou? How badly would she be punished? She was so damn close to finding out, her fist itching to slam its way through her face. Growling, she looked up at the woman, snapping, "Shut up!" But she wouldn't. Tsunade only grew louder and for a few seconds – the scariest seconds of her life – her once honey brown eyes glowed red. "I don't want to hurt you, Shishou!"

The others were forgotten when Tsunade met her gaze, her expression cold, stony. Red eyes bore down on her, lips moving hurriedly, repeating the same order over and over and over again, telling her to kill them. She looked down on Sakura in such a way that it had her stumbling backwards and into the wall, hands coming up to cover her ears, green eyes wide with horror. For the briefest of moments, she didn't see her shishou.

She saw Danzo.

She was back in the torture room, strapped down to the reclining chair, eyes pried open and forced to meet his, the sight of his Sharingan making reality slip away from her. The worst part about it was that she could never remember what happened after their eyes met – seven sessions in total, all of which were wiped from her mind. They were far worse than the physical torture. At least she knew what was happening. When he used the Sharingan on her, she was in the dark. Everything would go blank. And she would wake up hours later, unable to tell what had been done to her, though always vaguely able to tell something else was missing. There was always something from her memories that she could no longer remember.

"Kill them!"

Sakura was quick to react to the hand that reached for her, gripping the man's wrist tightly and yanking him downwards. With her chakra, it was laughably easy pinning him to the ground, her wide eyes fixated on his Sharingan as the breath was ripped from his lungs.

"You're not using that on me again," she snarled, keeping him down with her left hand. The other raised, glowing blue. "You'll never use it again."

Horror had his eyes going wide, hands desperately struggling to keep hers from reaching his eyes.

"Forgive me, Sakura."

"Neji, don't-"

The familiar pain of her chakra pathways being shut down stunned her into silence, body jolting, and she was just barely able to catch herself from collapsing on top the man below her, his hands still holding her (though becoming more comforting, supportive). It felt like time froze when their eyes met, faces only centimetres apart and something lodged itself in her throat when his Sharingan faded, those familiar black eyes sucking the oxygen out of the universe.

She nearly…

"Sh-Shisui," she whispered weakly, trying to fight unconsciousness.

"Your eyes…" He swallowed and leaned closer, pupils dilating.

Her breath caught in her throat when Shisui's fingers shifted from her hair to her face, shaking faintly. As she had him, he cupped her face, thumbs stroking beneath her eyes.

"What about my eyes?" she whispered, unable to speak any louder.

A beautiful smile – the first real smile she'd seen from him since meeting Shisui – pulled at his lips and it stunned her when his forehead bumped against hers.

"I can't see them all that clearly, but…" His smile widened. "Your eyes are really green."

Realisation had tears slipping soundlessly down her cheeks, the guilt doubling at the pain and betrayal she could see in his eyes. The one thing she knew would definitely break him, the one thing she had witnessed tear him apart, throwing him into the dark abyss that was depression…

Lost in her madness, she tried to send him back there.

"I'm sorry," she whispered brokenly.

A/N - I'm struggling so much with writing Sakura's insanity, but at the same time, it's so much fun (in a really morbid way).

Did any of you catch onto what Danzo has done with his Sharingan? I think I made it really obvious in this chapter, but at the same time, Sakura can't outright admit it because the person is kind of like a lifeline to her. She needs them too much for them to disappear.

Thank you to all who congratulated me/wished me well. I'm still struggling and unfortunately have lost enough weight for it to be noticeable to others, but we're doing our best. My poor fiance is run ragged with trying to keep us healthy and comfortable - I don't know what I'd do without him.