Something made from Nothing
—
As said in the previous chapter, this is a written form of "From Zero." It is my written interpretation. I haven't read the LN version of Re: Zero, so I don't know of any details that may differ from the LN and WN. I will put a few lines of bold text where things start changing if you want to skip the bulk of this chapter.
For future reference, I intend to integrate more Japanese into Subaru's dialogue (for any who know Japanese, my apologies, I have had no training whatsoever and use machine translators, my extremely poor personal knowledge, and a few other things). Japanese will be in romaji. Words spoken in english, not the Re:Zero language, will be underlined.
—
Eyes closed as if in a trance, the teen stands peacefully. Peaceful in every way concerning outward appearances. Inwardly, the teen is reeling from a horrid experience. The sensation of death hangs heavily upon him, holding his consciousness captive.
Eyes open, taking in sight, basking in light, they revel in the warmth of life.
All too soon does his mind open as well.
Breathing becomes shaky and laboured, cold sweat pools along the teen's back. Such warring sensations of hot and cold. Why is it so hot? It was so cold only a second ago. So cold. Extremely cold. Numbing cold. He raises his hand to block the pounding sun from his heavy eyes. Memories well up under the surface of his skull.
Rejected. He couldn't trust anyone. Everyone was greedy with a craving for nothing but gain. Paid merchants to evacuate Arlam. Hakugei. Rem. Rem.
The teen looks to his side, knowing where she would be without knowing at all. The softest windchime with the most beautiful of notes plays in his ears. That's her. Rem.
She calls his name and he looks over. Instinctual, as if he knows she would always be there at his side. Who was at her side? Surely it isn't the teen. He is too useless and incompetent to be of any value to her. So why does she bleed for him? Why does she suffer through broken bone and broken skin for the teen who is nothing? Why does she go so far?
Rem steps even closer and holds a hand to his face. He is hot enough to warrent a slight flinch from Rem, who was not expecting such heat. She presses her hand back onto his face, holding the cheek. Against his boiling skin, her hand is comfortingly cold. Yet it burns with life. Raw, unhindered, unvanquished life. She is alive.
"Rem is sorry she did not notice sooner, the crowd must be tiring you, Subaru-kun."
Subaru closes his eyes. Like the rest of him, they burn and hurt. Savoring the feeling of her hand upon his cheek, Subaru presses his head into her palm. The motion prompts a hue of red to flow across Rem's face temporarily. He didn't want her to- he couldn't bear to see her- he wouldn't let her die again.
"I... I'm tired... I'm... so tired. I'm absolutely exhausted, Rem."
Ichi... one...
Just one person is enough. If he could protect one life from that hell, it would be enough. Somebody, anybody. That would be enough...
If he could save at least one person, would that be enough?
Subaru tightens his grip on Rem's hand. Not hard, yet not loose either. He then lowers their hands from his face and looks into Rem's sapphire eyes. The action prompts more red to flow into Rem's face.
Then he turns around and starts walking.
Where to? He didn't know. Anywhere but here. Here is bad. Here is where everyone dies. Here is where Ram dies. Here is where Emilia dies. Here is where Rem dies. Here is where he dies. Though unlike them he is eternally tormented by the refusal of death. Such a thing is his blessing and curse rolled into one.
Subaru realizes his lungs are burning. He's gasping for air. When did he start running? His legs feel tired. It doesn't matter, just as long as he gets out of here.
"Su- Subaru-kun!"
The windchime echoes his name once more. It is a crime, his useless name coming from such a beautiful source. Rem takes one deep breath, her stronger oni blood not leaving her in the same gasping-for-air state Subaru is in.
Idiot.
Without warning, without preparation or even the slightest explanation he had pulled Rem behind him. How utterly stupid of him. He really is worthless. He probably wouldn't have stopped until he ran into the countryside and across the world if Rem hadn't called his name.
Subaru turns around and faces Rem, putting on an apologetic smile.
"Ah, sorry for dragging you out here. Mind if we find a place we can talk?"
—
Sunsoaked.
The teen and oni now stand atop a landing that would be described as sunsoaked. A gentle breeze from the altitude of the platform assures they won't get hot because of the sun. Calming and dependable stone below their feet. The view overlooks most of Lugunica's capital.
The landing is quite remote, with the staircase up to it having been found in an alley. There is no reason to believe anyone will encroach upon the two.
Subaru looks over the waist-height railing at the capital. The yellow sun makes it seem so beautiful, but only because it blots out the shadows. With a sigh, the teen turns around to face Rem. The maid stands with perfect posture and her hands clasped in front of her. A small smile is on her face.
Subaru nervously scratches his nape.
"Ah, sorry that I dragged you off without any warning."
"Rem does desire an explanation, but Rem also realises you must have had a reason or urgent thought of our situation."
"Mmh, sorry I worried you. I did have a big thought though, more of a revelation. Er, I guess things are clearer."
"What is this revelation Subaru-kun speaks of?"
"I contemplate and agonize a lot, which must be sore on the ears. But I've figured out how to solve and take care of everything. Rather, I was told what to do from the beginning. Giving up... is something I don't do well."
The oni tilts her head, blue hair swaying for a second. Subaru looks into her eyes as she looks at him. He can see something reflected in them. He knows what's reflected in them, yet he shies away from allowing his mind to acknowledge it.
"Rem thinks that is one of Subaru-kun's more wonderful qualities."
Subaru smiles and shifts his foot over the grainy brick. Is she going to make this harder than it needs to be? So simple, extremely simple, frustratingly simple. Words aren't coming to his mind coherently, so Subaru uses this moment to arrange the stray thoughts in his head.
"Things are... There are things clear and unclear... I can't say how many experiences have added up to me being here, thinking this thought, talking this talk. Truth is, I've had the answer for a while now and have been ignoring it."
A short and shallow breath. One the serves not the purpose of respiration, but rather to calm his nerves. A big statement like this would surely call up the fabled butterflies for anyone, right? Wouldn't it?
"I've... decided, Rem."
"Yes, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru levels his face with Rem's, staring into her unhesitating eyes of sky-blue. He hopes his serious face looks serious, and not like his normal scary face. Should he crease his brows? or tighten his lips more? Should he stare a bit harder or soften his gaze? Is this too long a pause or too short?
"Run away with me."
Rem blinks, wondering if she heard him correctly. She continues to stare into Subaru's face for a moment more, yet she finds no signs of jesting. Quickly, confusion clouds her gaze, warring with the other emotion.
"Huh?"
Subaru widens his smile, putting in conscious effort to appear more friendly as his arms gesture about.
"I know this is a snap decision, and it won't be easy-"
Rem straightens her head and scrunches her eyes closed. A hand shoots out in a 'stop' gesture that catches Subaru's attention.
"That phrasing suggests you plan to leave Lugunica Subaru-kun... This must be another of your ideas, right? Something that will benefit Emilia-sama and Roswaal-sama!"
"That's not what this is, Rem."
Rem opens her eyes wide in surprise. With that one statement, her hope disappears and her confusion deepens.
"There is... nothing I'm able to do. Both here and at the mansion I'm powerless. That's my revelation... So let's run, Rem. We can't stay. I tried to purge this thought, to not believe it, I've denied it for so long... nobody needs me."
Rem takes an instinctive step back, not believing her ears. This foul statement is coming from Subaru? Such words sound wrong when coming from optimistic and funny Subaru, like having chills in the spine. Rem opens her mouth to retort, but a small "Su-" is all that escapes before Subaru cuts her off.
"It's been spelled out, fed to me over and over and over, time after time after time. So I've decided to disappear. My actions lead to death. Death that I can't let happen again. I've had enough, I'm completely spent, so let's run."
"This is so sudden..."
"I'm sorry it's sudden, I truly am. Truly. But you have to make a choice. Me, or the mansion?"
"..."
"..."
"... Subaru-kun, Rem cannot do that."
His gentle, upbeat, and happy facade crumbles to dust. The contradicting tone and face finally settle into something similar. Pooling from every crevace of his body, his dispair is on crude display to Rem.
Rem, the only one he could've saved.
"Admittedly, Rem has given it some thought."
So Rem spoke. Spoke her heart out.
Impossible. That was the life Rem spoke of. So impossible yet Subaru wanted it so much. If it would mean that he had saved Rem from the mansion and the whale, he would gladly do it. Rem continued, speaking like this was a speech one had rehearsed in front of the mirror. Yet seeing Rem's red expression and hopeful eyes, Subaru could tell it was spur of the moment she was telling him of their potential happiness.
"Wh... Why? If you... If you want it that much... if it is so easy to picture then why?"
Rem looks at the ground, the heat in her face suddenly growing tenfold before subsiding slightly. One of her deepest desires had been revealed without regret. That vision is a life Rem wants... but could never have. That is the conclusion Rem came to in her mind. Rem wants it, desires it, but she could never have it because...
The oni remembers the reason she loves Subaru. The very reason she can't follow him right now.
"If Subaru-kun could envision that with a smile, Rem would be happy to make those words reality. Just knowing that you want Rem with you when you run away makes Rem feel elated, and happy from the bottom of Rem's heart."
"..."
"But Rem cannot, because if we run..."
This short pause, one that seems too brief, brings to Rem the most harrowing feeling of apprehension. Her rosy cheeks could hold no more red, yet seemed to grow redder to Subaru. The flappy feeling in her stomach roars into a violent mixing pot of emotion, yet it hinders her words not. It wasn't that long ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since she realised what she felt.
Crisp, clear, without any problems of enunciation, the oni's soft windchime voice speaks.
"Rem loves you. If we ran away Rem would be leaving behind the Subaru that Rem loves the most."
What?
Shocked eyes and powerful eyes. Dark hazel and sky blue meet. He couldn't shy away from her eyes, they command him to look at her.
If Rem had known Japanese, Subaru feels she definitely would have broken out the 'Aish-...' err... That word was a word Subaru had never said to anyone. Even in his mind the teen has trouble thinking it.
I love you... The one that makes you go "Whoa! There it is!" when spoken.
"Subaru, please tell Rem what happened. If you are unable to, then place your trust in Rem. Rem swears to make it right."
Instantly, the thoughts of that word shatter. Subaru is pulled back into now. Those words spoken by Rem send a cold shiver down his back.
He can't. Won't. Absolutely not.
If he tells her anything, if she tries to help, if she shoulders his burdens...
She will perish.
She will suffer.
She will die.
"We should head back, Subaru. If we take a moment to consider our options rationally, Rem is certain another solution will present itself.
If they return, there will be no time.
Everyone will perish.
Everyone will suffer.
Everyone will die.
"I've agonized over this! I've thought about it! I've suffered! And that... that's why I gave up..."
Nobody, not a single person has ever considered Subaru and his desperate pleas. Nobody listens to the premonitions that he had fought and suffered and perished in order to learn. Like the nobody he is Subaru is cast aside and forgotten. It's tiring. Exhausting. It makes him wonder if he should even try in the first place.
The cooling wind brings to him the sound of Rem's voice.
"It's easy to give up..."
Have you ever been pushed into a body of water? That feeling of your stomach dropping and the shocking temperature of the water, have you felt it? What about the futile scramble to try and regain your balance?
It's easy to give up.
Have you ever turned the faucet on too hot and not realised it? Unhesitatingly plunging your hands into the burning water, only to feel cold. Then, quickly yanking your fingers from the scalding water as your senses caught up to the stimulus?
It's easy to give up.
Have you ever accidentally rubbed an irritant into a open wound? Like citrus or hot pepper juice. The pain of your skin seeming to shoot fire from every pore.
It's easy to give up.
The sharpness of Subaru's eyes seemed to gain an extra edge as he glares into Rem's soft blues.
"THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT GIVING UP IS EASY!"
This statement a roar of misplaced anger, Subaru balls his fists. The blue maid stands stunned at the severity of Subaru's emotion.
"Do you think... that I'M DISCARDING EVERYTHING?! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL! It was easier to think I COULD do something! But now theres NO RIGHT PATH... THEY ALL LEAD TO DEATH!"
Breathing ragged, Subaru clenches his teeth hard enought to crack stone as the weight of it all forces his gaze to the dusty bricks below him. It would be so easy to sink into these stones and just sleep... His legs threaten to buckle and fail underneath him.
"If I could do anything... I... would do everything I could..."
"..."
"Subaru, it is easy... but it doesn't suit you."
Rem utters this line with the confidence of displaying a fact. As if the statement is truth. The maid was taken aback by the sudden burst of anger, yet she pushes on.
"Rem does not know what painful things Subaru has experienced, or what has occurred to make you suffer. It would be wrong of Rem to say 'Rem understands...' but there is something Rem does know. Subaru doesn't give up on something until it's completed. Rem knows that Subaru can smile when he talks about the future. Rem knows Subaru cannot give up on the future."
Lies.
"That kind of... I'm not that kinda-"
"Rem is not wrong, you haven't given up on anyone. Not Emilia-sama, or nee-sama, or Roswaal-sama, or anyone else.
Chigau. Wrong. She's wrong. That's wrong. I have given up. I gave up. I gave up. I gave up. That's wrong. I've quit. It's no use. I can't do anything! It's impossible. It's too hard. I can't do it. Nobody can do it. It's so hard. I can't do it anymore.
I'm scared.
Subaru looks down at his shaking hands. They rest front of him, on full display to Rem. The palms are up and the space between the fingers is wide.
I'm useless.
"Ore-... I have given up. This weight is impossible to carry! My arms are so short, my hands reach so little! What I manage to grab even slips through my fingers! Nothing is left!"
I can't save anyone.
"That's not true Subaru. You have-"
Nobody will ever understand me.
"What do you... WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?!"
The teen shouts hoarsly as his hand sails into the railing. In his state, he barely registers the cold blood dripping down his hand from the impact. He raises the appendage to his vision, watching as the red stains the orange wrist cuff of his tracksuit.
Nobody will ever know how I feel.
"This is the kinda guy I am! I have no strength, but I want it all! I act like I know everything when I know nothing at all! There's nothing I can do but struggle uselessly. I... I-."
One feature. Or quality, whichever you prefer. The point is that every person has redeeming features, if not multiple then at least one. Standing out of the crowd, or really, blending so well into the crowd that he becomes nobody is where Natsuki Subaru is. He has no redeeming qualities. Not a sliver. An ounce. A drop. Despite this he pushes on in the hopes of acquiring the unobtainable.
I hate myself-
"I HATE MYSELF!"
-more than anything or anyone.
"I'm arrogant and cocky even though I'm powerless! I laze around and freeload yet I complain anyways! How did I live like that without shame? How do I still live like this without shame?"
Rem is silent.
"Before I came here, before I got into the situation that led me to all of you, do you know what I did?"
Subaru narrows his eyes at Rem. The normally scary eyes tightening into something even more frightening. Before he was isekai-ed here, his life on Earth... His ordinary, uneventful, self-indulgent previous life on Earth...
Natsuki Subaru skipped school. His parents were in the process of giving up on him, they already felt pity for him. His social life was nonexistent outside of the online world. He never left his room.
Before he was isekai-ed to this world...
"I. Did. Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Time. Freedom! I had every advantage and every resource available to me and I did nothing. This is what that turned me into. You're seeing the result of my inaction and sloth. Desiring to become known and acomplish something despite having done nothing is beyond the limits of arrogance! My slothful ways end in a body. Maybe that body is you or me or someone else we know. Maybe it's more than one body! Natsuki Subaru has no character! Nothing about me has changed! That jii-san (Wilhelm) saw right through me. I was faking, putting on airs to justify myself and tell myself I wasn't stagnating! To say I was trying! No. Nononononono NO! At my core, I'm an insignificant piece of rat shit, obsessed with pride and vanity! Nothing about me has changed! From the start I've known it, that I was the root, the cause of everything! I'm lower than dirt, I'm trash, lower than that even... I hate myself."
Darkness. Despair. Self-loathing. All of it gushes and streams out of the hollow being known as Natsuki Subaru. An incomplete being, with a gaping hole carved through his body. Incomplete. That is the only word needed to describe Subaru.
Rem lowers her beautiful head. Her hair covers her eye, the other is lost in shadow.
"Rem knows that no matter how far Subaru has fallen into despair or darkness, he will have the strength and courage to reach out his hand."
No, that's wrong. She misjudges me. Why does she do that? I'm lower than dirt, I said that, so why does she still looking at me like that? Why? Why? Why? What have I ever done to recieve that look?
As if hearing Subaru's thoughts, Rem speaks.
"Rem loves you."
"Why..."
"Rem loves it when you stroke her hair. It's as if we understand each other through the contact of your hand and Rem's head. Rem loves your voice. How soft and gentle it is, how it makes Rem feel safe and calm when you utter the smallest of words. Rem loves your eyes. They appear so scary, yet Rem knows they can soften so much. Rem loves how you walk. Even though we walk at the same speed you always turn your head to make sure Rem isn't falling too far behind."
"Sta... Stahp... it..."
"Rem loves your fingers. They are soft and gentle, yet when Rem feels them Rem can tell they are the strong fingers of a man. Rem loves your sleeping face. You look so defenseless and calm, like a baby. Rem can't help but poke and play with your cheeks. Then Rem touches your lips. It hurts Rem that you don't even notice when Rem does it... It makes Rem's heart ache terribly. Rem loves you."
"Why..."
Rem, who could have chosen anyone in the world to give these feeling to, had presented to worthless Subaru these uncut emotions. Why did she gift them to Subaru, the fool who was nothing, is nothing, will forever be nothing?
"When you said you hate yourself, that made Rem want to tell you all the wonderful things she knows about you."
"N-No... Lying... You're lying! That's all fake! There's no way that could be real!"
Subaru isn't anything like what Rem had described. Who exactly was this person Rem sees? It couldn't be Subaru.
"You don't understand... I know myself the best-"
"ALL YOU KNOW IS YOURSELF!"
For the first time since that week of turbulation, Rem has risen her voice. Of course there were surprised yelps, loud calls down the hallways, and exciting times, but this is the first time in two weeks Rem has raised her voice in something akin to anger.
Then she raises her face, dispelling the shadows covering her visible eye. She's crying. Fat, overflowing tears that rain from her eyes. That hurts. It hurts so much. He feels guilty. He made her cry. How could he do that?
"You know nothing about the Subaru that Rem sees!"
—
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
THINGAMABOBS CHANGING NOW. ROSWAAL IS BEST GIRL, CHANGE MY MIND.
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
—
A man. No, a teen...
For sake of writing referred to as a boy...
The stranger raises his eyes to behold the sun. The warm yellow dot beats down on Lugunica's capital without restraint. He rubs his tired eyes, courtesy of a nonexistant sleep-schedule. Turning a corner, the stranger looks up a set of stairs. He likes to come here, there aren't many people to bother him as he looks out over the capital.
So the stranger began to climb the stairs, his desire to watch the sunset climbing as well. There are a few hours left before sunset, but a few hours to think and be alone is a welcome thing. God knows he needs it with all the stuff happening around him.
But it seem's he won't be alone.
A pair of voices echo down the enclosed staircase as the stranger nears the top. Voices... quite an unfamiliar sound at such a quiet altitude.
He considered turning back, he could visit another time. Seeing the long climb back down, the stranger decides not too. He can deal with awkwardly sitting there while two people talk. So he continued to walk up the stairs, growing slower with each step.
It's not that he has any problems with people... most people, but he would rather be alone after another slow day with dead-ends. It seems only a chance encounter will get the stranger what he wants now.
Inevitably, the stranger reaches the top. He pokes his head over the stair's railing and is immediately assaulted by a strong wind. The air whistles in his ears and blows his long golden hair from his face. The ends of the strands fly back into his face, becoming stinging whips. With a sound of displeasure the blonde pins the hair to his head with a hand. It's awkward though, his left hand not fully rotating to be completely effective.
The stranger glances at the duo that have invaded his landing. It isn't his landing technically speaking, but the blonde has had it to himself over the past half week. It kinda feels like it's being intruded upon, despite it not being his property.
A blue-haired maid and a teen with alien clothing. From the way they are speaking and looking at each other the stanger can guess it's a serious conversation. Probably emotional, since the teen can be seen shaking. People-reading skills are something the stranger prides himself on, even though they aren't the absolute best.
The maid and teen are still talking. The harsh wind prevents the stanger from hearing their conversation, and he suddenly realises he's eavesdropping on a probably private discussion.
He doesn't care much, this looks like a rejection scene from a romance show. Romance is nice and fluffy to see, even if the stranger doesn't experience the thing himself.
He probably should care though, intruding on a private discussion like the weirdo he is.
The two are so absorbed in conversation they don't even notice the stranger start to ascend the stairs. His untall body revealing more of itself. Well... if they couldn't see him now they would probably not notice him until he tapped a shoulder.
The blue maid spreads her arms, seeming to call forth a sudden violent gust of wind. While the conversing pair remained weirdly unaffected, the wind threatens to blow the stranger off his feet. What kinda show magic is this?
"Woah woah!"
Spinning his arms around, ths stranger regains his balance after grabbing the wall.
The two on the platform break out into laughter, the sound being a signal for the wind to dramatically slow. Show magic! Now that the wind has died down, the voices are clearly hearable. The stranger already felt kinda weird eavesdropping on a clearly emotional interaction, words would make him feel even less good.
"You are a cruel man, Subaru-"
Car company Subaru? Who would name their kid after a car comapny?
"-to ask this of someone you have just rejected."
So it is a rejection scene, though usually it's because the guy has a thing for someone else. I hope this isn't like that. Saying 'I love X person' would be a horrible thing to reply with.
"Hey, this is hard to ask of the girl who rejected my once-in-a-life proposal."
What.
The previously-shaking teen lets loose another laugh, and the blue maid follows him. This lasts for a few seconds. The maid's smile grows as she straightens her posture and bows. Still bowing, she talks to the teen.
"Rem will humbly accept Subaru's request. But only if it means Rem's hero can welcome the future with open arms and a grin."
"Heh, watch me! You're getting a front-row seat to seeing your hero be the best in this world!"
The teen pulls the maid into a loving embrace. The maid looks surprised for a second before succumbing to tears, the fat liquid streaming down her face as she buries her head into the teen's chest. The stranger's unease increases as he watches the conclusion of the conversation. He should really leave now. While the display warms his heart, he didn't really want to be called a creep.
"Yo."
Oh crap, too late.
A shiver runs down the stranger's back as the teen turns his head to look at him.
"Hey look dude, I just got here."
Throwing up his hands, the stranger lies in order to try and lessen the awkwardness.
"I can uh... leave if you want."
He was already descending that stairs backwards. There was ample time to return before he left the capital. The city seemed to be a lost cause anyways, he didn't find who he was looking for.
"Wait for me at the bottom of the stairs please."
The stranger furrows his brows in confusion, was he going to get scolded like a child for eavesdropping? Or maybe he would be super unlucky and taken to the knights. Bleh, too perfect. They really need some originality in that place. The stranger only ever saw two people who looked to not be from a knight cookie-cutter mold. That said, they were probably even more insufferable super knights.
So the stranger descends the stairs, waiting for the teen and maid. He has nothing better to do right now with the lull in his search.
—
Aish = Aishimasu ~ Should be the polite form of Aisu, which means 'to love.'
Rewatched this and found put that Rem actually does use aishimasu. Tiny yay for Rem gang now that I've been enlightened to an extremely small amount of Japanese.
Chigau ~ Wrong/Incorrect.
Ore ~ Word used to refer to self; 'I' and 'me.' Gruff/familiar.
Ichi ~ Number one.
Probably my least favorite chapter to write the first time around, but this second time I really put a lot into this. I can't relate completely with Subaru here because ya'know, RBD, but I've definitely felt some of what he feels. That made writing this chapter much more personal and I hope that translated into my writing.
Also, I was somehow able to extend this from 2k to 5k words. Dunno how that happened.