Chapter 22 – But I'm Alone With You

They were back. Something was off, though. Even she could tell that.

Deciding it was best to stay out of the way, she remained by Sasuke's side, watching the group closely as they showed those in the hideout what they managed to procure. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that a small number disagreed with how they gathered the items needed, their gazes averting when they discovered just how much the group had taken.

One woman stated the food would get them through the month. Another said they would be smelling much fresher now and thank you for managing to find toilet roll and toothpaste.

It seemed, without trying, Shisui met her eye in the large crowd of eager refugees. Surprisingly, however, he looked away just as quickly, leaving the main hall. Odd, she thought, arms dropping from their folded position over her chest. Usually, she had to beg him to leave her alone. What had gotten into him? She looked to Itachi, frowning when he finally looked to her. Something had definitely happened out on their mission.

"Go to him," he mouthed when the attention was diverted from him, the others too busy sorting through the supplies.

Great, because that wasn't foreboding at all. Ignoring Sasuke's intense stare, she pushed away from the wall and followed in the direction Shisui had left in. She doubted anyone saw her slip away – they were too busy rifling through everything, snatching and gasping in shock. They looked like savages, she thought to herself, sparing them a final glance over her shoulder. It was pitiful, really, but she wondered if she would've been like that had her mind not been screwed with.

It took her too long to find him. Why she didn't consider the room that was to be theirs, she'd never know. It was pointless lingering on the thought for too long, however. So, instead, she stepped into the room, assessing it critically before settling her gaze on Shisui's hunched over form on the futon.

"If the mission-"

"Don't."

She couldn't help but stare at him in shock. No, his voice wasn't cold, but she'd rather it was. He sounded broken – heartbroken, in fact. The thought of having to console him made part of her yearn to ease his suffering, whereas the other itched to get away. Did she stay? She was curious to know what the hell had crawled up his ass and died. But was it because she cared or was it out of morbid curiosity?

"What happened?" she found herself asking.

Laying back on the bed, he threw an arm over his eyes, like he was trying to shut her out and for some strange reason, it hurt. Deeply. "Leave me."

Was she always so defiant, or was it because she once cared for him? "No."

The fist of the arm over his eyes clenched and in response, she narrowed her eyes. He'd assured her on more than one occasion that she was safe with him – Itachi had told her she would always be safe with Shisui, too. Were they about to make her regret believing them? Was he about to show her that she couldn't trust anyone?

"Fine. If you will not leave me, then I will-"

It was daring, but she had to know. Grabbing his shoulders just as he started to sit up, she forced him down with little strength, having to rely on her weight entirely since they'd yet to trust her with chakra. His eyes flew open at the movement, his body automatically responding to the offensive move, already attempting to gain the upper hand. Should he truly want it, he'd get it. Sakura knew that. All she could do was hold on.

"You're not going anywhere," she told him coldly, gaze narrowing. The feeling of his hands gripping her, freezing in their attempt to throw her off, sent a chill down her spine. Much to her surprise, however, it also had a voice in her head rejoicing. What was that about? "Talk to me."

"I…" He was at a loss for words, leaving him to stare at her dumbfounded.

"You?"

Suddenly, he chuckled, his head hitting his pillow. It was a dry sort of chuckle. Like he wasn't actually amused and it had her frowning. Was it a bitter laugh? "All the times I've fantasised having you with me like this… touching me."

The words didn't make her want to let him go. "What about it?"

Goosebumps broke out over her skin when Shisui met her gaze once more, the pain and want in his eyes pinning her. What was she supposed to do? Had they ever been in such a position before? So close? So…

"Sakura," he whispered, trembling hands coming to her face. He'd done his best to fight with her, but as he was still recovering, he hadn't been much help. "You don't have to do this for me."

But she did. She had to protect him with everything she had. Not because it was her duty as his medic and not because it was ordered of her.

She stunned him by pressing her lips to his, ignoring the fact it made her busted lip sting. Her hand came to the back of his head, about to run through his hair. And then she did it. Her hand connected to the back of his neck and she felt him go limp in her arms.

"You have to live," Sakura told him quietly.

What was that? Was it a memory? A fabrication? Did it matter what it was?

Sat there with him, on him, it felt oddly familiar. Not that it'd happened before but being intimate with him felt familiar. Or did it? Was her mind lying to her again? Sakura couldn't even tell what her heart was saying anymore. There was so much in her mind, so much that had been twisted and toyed with, that she couldn't even tell if the things she was seeing or hearing or remembering, were true.

"I didn't think it would hurt," he eventually replied, growing motionless beneath her, making it clear he wouldn't push her away or reciprocate. "Emotionally, that is." There was a deep rumble in his chest and the hand that'd previously been covering his eyes, now rubbed at his face, indicating his exhaustion. "To have you do this to prove a point or get my attention is hurtful."

It was? Slowly, hesitantly, she relinquished her grip on him, fingertips trailing down his arms as she sat back on her haunches. While she remained on top of Shisui, there was now a considerable distance between their faces, allowing him to breathe more easily. Or could he? Was it enough distance for him, or was it still too much? He didn't seem too against it, she thought. But maybe she was wrong? Gods, was it always so confusing?

Much to her surprise, he sat up, closing the distance once more. "Is this what you want?"

Was it? "I… don't know."

Dark eyes glanced down at her legs, but just when his hands raised, he met her gaze once more, asking, "Can I?"

Could he? The erratic beating of her traitorous heart said yes, yes he could, but her mind was lost. Had they touched in such a way before? Was it new? Yes, it had to be, because he said he'd fantasised about it. But they had kissed before. Or had they?

"Stop thinking so much," he ordered gently. After what seemed to be careful consideration, his hand came down on her hip, his thumb stroking the exposed skin between her pants and shirt. "Relax."

Relax? Stop thinking? It wasn't that easy. Every time Sakura tried to silence her thoughts, other thoughts would bombard her mind – thoughts that weren't her own. They were so loud. So painfully, excruciatingly loud that she wanted to bash her head against the wall until everything was black.

Kiss him.

Gauge his eyes out.

Touch him.

Strangle him.

The heel of her hand slammed into her forehead and Sakura squeezed her eyes shut, willing away the voices. They were so conflicting, tearing her apart with their opposing thoughts. It was hard to think for herself, hard to hear herself over their constant yelling.

"Sakura?"

He's lowered his guard – now is the time to attack.

He's opening up – accept him.

"Stop it."

He'll only hurt you in the end.

He's trying so hard to understand you.

"Sakura."

The stiffness of her muscles was new, she noticed belatedly, her entire body going rigid as she fought hard to control the rampant voices. There was nothing she could ever say to describe how it felt – the different directions she was being pulled in, the slip of control. Should she give in even the slightest amount, they would seize control. She could feel them waiting in the darkest corners of her mind, ready to lunge and wreak havoc.

He'll use his Sharingan to control you.

Let him in.

"Sakura!"

Something was shaking. Was it her? Shisui? The room? It was–

It was her. Green eyes flew open when she felt herself being lowered to the bed on her side, head tilting back. The hands on her were strong, steady. Comforting. For a moment, Sakura was glad he was there as her mind snapped in and out of focus, her short glimpses of his worried expression granting her extra strength.

"Sh-Shisui," she whimpered without consent, much to her utter horror. "Help. H-Help me."

The look in his eyes – his horrified realisation – was what she presumed to be an exact mirror image of her own. Could he see that something was trying to control her? That those words weren't her own? She didn't need his help. Besides the obvious, she was okay. She was fine.

"Please. Use it." Dread had her body feeling cold, had her mentally screaming for the voice to shut the hell up, because for some reason, she couldn't speak out loud. "Use your Sharingan."

No!

Why couldn't she regain control of her own damn body? She was shaking with the exertion and could feel herself sweating.

"No."

Could he see the desperation in her eyes? Was that why he refused? It didn't matter to her why he refused. What mattered, was that he did refuse. He knew that she didn't want him to use his Sharingan. Wait… Hadn't she asked him before to use it? Had she? Why couldn't she remember? Why–

"Stay here with me," she whimpered through the tears, gulping in air between words. "And if you can't…" There was a shift in his body language as the clouds unveiled the moon in all its glory, his head lowering a fraction. "Then take me with you, Sasuke-kun."

When he turned back to look at her, his expression was one she'd always been torn over – it never failed to break her heart and make it race, all at the same time. His smirk, as cruel as it could be, was beautiful.

"You're so annoying."

And then he was walking away, like her confession meant nothing to him. Like he didn't care about breaking her heart, even though he could see it shattering right in front of him. Like her feelings, her love, didn't matter.

He was leaving

"Don't leave me!" she all but screeched, hand coming to her chest as she rushed forward. "If you go, I-I'll scream and-"

How was he so fast? How did he gain so much speed, when only a few hours ago, he'd been in the hospital? Her breath caught in her throat as Sasuke appeared behind her, his chest bumping against her back as she faltered in her step, his breath fanning over her ear and neck when he leaned forward slightly, closing the distance between them.

"Sakura."

That tone of voice was new. The air around them was different. All was silent for a moment as it settled deep into her gut that he was truly leaving and there was nothing she could do to stop him. He was leaving her. Her gaze zeroed in on the leaves that swayed in the breeze, skimming by them carelessly.

"…Thank you."

The dancing leaves became a blur by the time they reached the ground, the returning silence deafening, her stomach twisting sharply at the feeling of a hand connecting with the back of her neck, with arms wrapping around her tightly, with a forehead pressing to her hair, a shuddering breath being released.

"Thank you."

What?

What?

Sasuke…

"Sakura," Shisui called worriedly. "Are you okay? You blacked out."

She blacked out? For how long? What actually happened? Was it the Sharingan? Danzo? Had she simply spaced out? Oh, Gods. Whatever happened, it caused an awful pain in her head. But that pain in her head was incomparable to the sudden weight in her heart – no, not weight. It ached. Burned.

"Sakura?"

He… left her.

A sharp cry left her, eyes growing wide.

He left her.

"Sakura, breathe. Tell me what's wrong."

He left her.

The pain she was experiencing felt familiar. Normal, even. It felt like something she'd been living with her whole life. Only, because of how badly Danzo screwed her over, she'd forgotten how to deal with it. And instead of breathing normally, she panted. She gulped. She whimpered. Cried. Wailed. Because how the hell could she be in love with someone who treated her so coldly? Why was she unable to stop those three seemingly insignificant, but monstrously powerful words, from repeating themselves?

He left her.

She was going to give him everything. Everything. And he… left her.

The world was shaking again and even though she knew it was her making the noises, she couldn't connect the sobs as her own.

He left her.

He left her.

He left her.

He left her!

"What is it?" Shisui demanded. She barely even felt his grip on her, couldn't tell if it was comforting or restraining. Didn't want to find out. "What can I do?"

It was happening. It was finally happening.

She knew when the blush filled her cheeks. She knew she would forever be able to recall the exact moment it happened. Just when their gazes met, she spotted a vulnerable look in his eyes that surprised her, taking her breath away. And was it just her, or was he shaking, too? Was he nervous too?

Almost there…

Part of her didn't even want to close her eyes, for fear of missing even the slightest of details. But it would be weird keeping them open, Sakura reminded herself reluctantly, her heart skipping a beat at the thrill that rushed through her when they closed, when she felt his breath leave him, washing over her.

Their noses brushed and her lips parted.

He paused, the suspense nearly causing her to groan.

And then the oddest of sounds caught her attention, though only because Sasuke had already pulled back, clutching his stomach.

"Not now!"

The words mirrored her thoughts and despair washed through her in humongous waves as he disappeared.

Had they ever picked up from there? Did they kiss at some point in their lives?

He's always leaving you.

You'd better leave him out of this.

He'll leave you again.

Don't listen–

He'll betray you and leave you the first chance he gets. Maybe he'll even hand you over to Danzo if he's given the right bargain.

Would he? Would Sasuke really do that? Even after all their time together? After their kiss – nearly kiss, she meant. Wait, it was an almost kiss, wasn't it? Had Sasuke ever shown an interest in her after that, or was the moment permanently destroyed by his irritated stomach? What if the only time they returned to that bench, was when he abandoned her on it? When he left her?

No, he won't. Sasuke-kun isn't like that–

Kill him before he gets you killed, Sakura.

No, please–

"-kura!"

The pained shouting was what guided her back to consciousness, her eyes fluttering as she fought to focus on her surroundings. The last thing she could remember was… was running in front of Sasuke, who was injured and unable to defend himself. They'd been ambushed and hadn't stood a chance.

"Sakura!"

Was she imagining the anguish in Sasuke's voice? The desperation? Did it make her pathetic for enjoying the heartbreak? No, enjoy was the wrong word, but it was the only one she could think of in that moment.

Lifting her head, she found that she was mere feet from Sasuke, who was tied up securely, his grazed chin digging into the dirt as he used it to drag himself towards her. It was a heart-warming sight – the relief in his expression would stay with her always.

"Are you okay?"

"Sak-"

"W-What's real?" Gods, her own mind was going to tear her apart. "What's real?"

"This." Strong, steady hands settled her into a seated position and Shisui demanded her undivided attention as he knelt before her, eyes firm. "This is real, Sakura. Don't focus on anything else for now. We'll figure that out later."

That was easy for him to say. He wasn't the one somehow losing control of his own body. He wasn't constantly wondering just what the hell was going on in his own damned mind. Every time Sakura was certain of something, a voice would pipe up and give its unwanted opinion, shattering her beliefs and thoughts. Just the other morning, she'd argued with herself about her natural hair colour. It was so red and crusty and matted at that moment in time that she couldn't really tell how pink it'd originally been. Had it even been pink?

"Look at me."

It didn't register in her mind that she did so without hesitation, without a flicker of fear.

"I'm real," he assured her, and it wasn't until then that she realised they were holding hands. No, she was holding his hands. "We're real."

Yes, he was. He was real. They were real. But… So were her memories with Sasuke.

What did it mean? Why was she suddenly seeing her past with Sasuke? Did it have a deeper meaning? Was something about to happen? Had Danzo selected those specific memories to bombard her with when she grew to close to someone else? Why? Wait, she knew why, didn't she? It was the whole curse thing – it pissed her off. Why the hell was she the one being screwed around with? Surely there were others who were precious to the Uchiha men?

Flashes of red hair filled her mind, accompanied by glasses and black hair and the Sharingan and fits of jealous rage. Who were they? Did they matter? Was she supposed to care about them? A woman from the Uchiha Clan – obviously not Mikoto – smiling at her, like they were friends. A connection via Itachi, maybe? If they were friends for a while, she must have crossed paths with the woman.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"I can't-" Out of frustration, Sakura paused, biting her lip despite the pain it caused. "I don't know where to start – I don't know what I'm thinking or why or how I even–"

He tried to smile. "It's okay-"

"No, it's not! I just…" Had she always been such a crybaby? Shakily, she wiped at her face, glaring down at her wet fingers. "I want things to be simpler. I want to know… what I want."

There was an emotion in his eyes, feelings it evoked within her, that she couldn't fully comprehend. "What do you feel right now?"

His gaze drifted downwards, focusing on her lips and she swallowed, copying his example, focusing on the fullness of his lips, the even lining. Had he always been pale? Something in her mind told her no, he hadn't always been pale. A lack of sunlight would do that to a person – apparently he hadn't been out long enough to make a difference to his appearance. There were no fine lines, no wrinkles to be seen and not for the first time, she questioned how old he was.

"I was twenty when Danzo attacked me," he murmured thoughtfully, then frowned. "I guess I should be twenty-eight." He smirked faintly. "Not that it really matters anymore."

No, she supposed it didn't, given the circumstances.

Her eyes shut when his fingers grazed her cheek, soon cupping it. "Do you want this?"

The sensation of his thumb brushing against her lips had them parting and she felt her cheeks burn. "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

Her forehead pressed against his collarbone, thighs pressed tightly to his, fingers tangled in his shirt. The smell of body wash and toothpaste filled her senses and her lips twitched, a ghost of a smile crossing her features.

"Yes."

Who…?

Horrified, she pulled back, wide eyes fixated on Shisui's features. His eyes were still closed, lips parted just as hers had been, but upon sensing her retreat, he looked to her with a frown of confusion.

"What's wrong?"

It was on unsteady legs that she climbed off Shisui and the bed, hand falling to the wall as she attempted to regain her balance. There was an intense pounding in her head, most likely the voices since she couldn't make out a single word they were saying. They were too busy talking over one another, screaming at each other, not caring in the least about the pain they were putting her through. Why would they care about her vision dimming? About her legs suddenly giving out beneath her? They were only voices planted inside her mind, threatening to finish the job of driving her insane.

"Sakura?"

Soft, soft hair – so surprisingly soft, given his new lifestyle – was gripped tightly in her fist, tipping his head back to continue their feverish kiss, her moans lost to the training grounds that had once been a second home to Team Seven. The hands holding her were firm, strong, guiding her into a steady rock, their joining hips refusing to be silent. Should anyone happen across them, there would be no disguising what was happening. There was no way to sweet talk her way out of it.

What she was doing, after all, could be classed as treason. The worst kind of treason.

"Sakura?"

Ignoring Shisui, she fought her way through the haze, struggling forward on weak legs, hand trailing the wall so that she would remain upright. She had to find him. Had to know if what she was seeing, was true. If it was… Then, what? What did it matter? She doubted it would even change anything. There would still be that wall between them, wouldn't there? Was there even a wall? Were her memories true?

With his legs bending at the knees and falling open, she could feel the tension in his muscles draining away, his face soon being buried in her neck, panting and leaving open-mouthed kisses, nipping at her skin.

No. It couldn't be true. It couldn't. It couldn't.

"Calm down, please," Shisui begged, grabbing her shoulder. "You're working yourself up."

She continued to ignore him, desperately searching through the main hall to try and spot him, but he wasn't there. No one of importance to her was. Just the scavengers she'd spotted earlier as they oohed and awed over the stolen goods. It seemed as though they were already putting themselves to work, the scent of the feast that was being prepared causing Sakura's stomach to twist sharply.

"Where is he?" she demanded and pushed away from Shisui, tears of frustration filling her eyes. "Where is he?"

"Who?"

A hushed conversation managed to grab her attention and Sakura all but darted towards the smaller meeting room, stumbling into the room. They reacted quickly, as they were trained to, each moving to steady her, but she brushed each of them off, gaze going straight to him.

"Tell me it's not true."

Realisation had him assessing the others, but she took no notice in their curiosity. Didn't care about their bewilderment. Nothing else in that moment mattered to her. Not when she needed her answers. Everyone else could go screw themselves, for all she cared. "Sakura-"

"Sakura," he groaned into her ear.

The damp grass tickled her knees as she readjusted her position, clinging to him as her hips worked an intense rhythm, previously closed eyes opening and gazing up at the night sky, the sight of the stars soon blurring when his lips returned to her throat. The hold on her increased in strength before his hand fisted in her hair, their eyes locking and a shiver of pleasure running up her spine.

Their bodies were tense as they met their end together, clinging to one another almost desperately, refusing to leave a single millimetre of space between them.

"Now is not the time, Sakura," he warned her and she finally noticed the way the others were staring at them.

Like hell it mattered, though. Those memories had to be real. They were too detailed, too real, to be planted there. Danzo wouldn't know about little details such as the tiny mole on the inside of her thigh, or the way his eyes looked when up close.

"Answer me," she snapped, heart in her throat. The rest of the world was just noise as she stepped closer to him, panting. "Did we sleep together, Itachi?"