Chapter 30 – I'll Tremble For My Love, Always

"This is hardly necessary."

Her irritation caused a pause in the doorway and she looked over her shoulder, refraining from sighing at Itachi's features. He was displeased with her attitude, but she didn't care.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," she muttered, refusing to admit that it was done so childishly. "So I don't need a babysitter."

"Oh?" he hummed thoughtfully while pulling up a chair, relaxing into it. "I was under the assumption we were friends. Is that not the case anymore?"

"You know we are," Sakura groaned. "But for the past few months, I've never had a moment alone – not truly."

If she hadn't been strapped to a gurney, being tortured until her mind was just barely clinging to sanity, then she was locked away in her cell with several operatives stationed outside, watching her every move. Even when she was rescued, she was never left alone. There was always someone watching her, making sure she didn't cause any trouble or harm herself.

"That time will come," Itachi assured her gently, the look in his eyes reminding her of the days when he'd come to her emotional rescue, doing his utmost to salvage the broken pieces of the heart his younger brother so carelessly tore apart. "For now, however, I ask that you accept a selfish request."

Selfish? Itachi? Sakura snorted at that and relaxed into the chair.

Up until twenty minutes ago, she'd stayed by Shisui's side, willing to wait as long as she had to for him to wake up. After only a few hours, the Kazekage had appeared in the doorway, ordering her to go and rest. He'd told her that sleep deprivation was a major cause of insanity, all the while his fingers twitched a restless rhythm on his biceps. Reluctantly, she had agreed, pausing and watching him suspiciously for a brief moment before tenderly brushing the curly mop of hair off Shisui's forehead, telling him quietly she would be back in the morning.

To try and keep their presence in Suna a secret, they were hiding out in the Kazekage's mansion – of all the freaking places. According to Gaara, the first place hunter-nin would look for them (should they have any suspicions) was ANBU headquarters. To search the Kazekage's property was strictly forbidden and damn near impossible, they'd come to realise when Temari set up several traps, traps that were soon followed up by Gaara sealing the place afterwards.

Temari had loaned her some pyjamas and even though they drowned her figure entirely, she couldn't deny her gratefulness. They were the first pair of properly cleaned clothes she'd worn in weeks. There was no lingering odour of sweat and no questionable or bloody stains.

"I feel uneasy," Itachi admitted with ease, as he'd always been able to do so with her. They had always shared everything. "I don't want to be alone."

The admission had Sakura sighing and shutting her eyes. While she longed for time alone for the first time in months, she understood what Itachi was experiencing. She'd felt such a way throughout her entire childhood. Hell, right up until the attack on the village she'd felt that way, often seeking comfort from an unknowing Shisui. She'd been too embarrassed to admit that she was being needy.

"I feel uneasy, too," Sakura replied quietly. "I feel like Danzo's allowing me this moment – to feel like I'm slowly coming back to myself – before he strips it all away again."

Surely it wasn't as easy as simply waking up one day after merging with her other self? Surely the torture ran too deep for Inner-Sakura to hold it all back by herself? Sakura knew she was onto something due to the fact the fake Tsunade continued to linger in her mind, but what was it? Why did she continue to feel so unsettled?

"It's possible," came Itachi's reluctant confession. "I have no information on my father's mangekyō." Sitting forward slightly, he then said, "What I have noticed so far is that Danzo seemed to be in deep concentration when he was controlling you. He had to keep his eyes on you."

Sakura honestly couldn't remember much of being controlled by Danzo. Even for Inner-Sakura, it was a blur. "Everything feels so real," she suddenly told him and frowned. "All the fake memories are so vivid. I'm struggling to tell the difference between them and the real ones."

"If you wish to question me about our bond, feel free to do so," he assured her and once more leaned back in his chair, relaxing completely. She knew just from his body language that he was open to any and all kinds of questions. "I know before the attack you had some form of vision-"

"Yeah," Sakura said, cutting him off as she recalled her breakdown.

Why she'd gotten so worked up at the possibility of her and Itachi sleeping together, she'd never know. They'd always been closer than she'd ever been with anyone in her life, always managing to speak their minds freely, confiding in one another and comforting each other. And yes, they'd often found themselves growing dangerously close to the blurred little line that separated friendship from romance and yes, it did get confusing at times but–

But what? What point was she actually trying to make? If anything, Sakura felt more confused than before her rampant thoughts.

"I still haven't got everything back," she admitted after a long pause.

"Your memories?"

"Yeah."

"What do you want to know?"

She hesitated to speak once more, her gaze trailing to the shut doors that separated her bedroom from the hallway. Her senses informed her nobody was out there, but still, she struggled to feel at ease.

"You said you tried to court me…"

When her sentence trailed off, Itachi spent several moments thinking his words over carefully, watching her and she wondered if that meant she was going to hate what he had to say.

"I did," he replied. "You also accepted my courtship."

Holy–

"I-I did?"

There was an air of melancholy about her friend when he nodded once, offering a ghost of a smile. "Our relationship has always come naturally to us and whenever we were together, all stress seemed to disappear."

She leaned forward in her chair once her foot planted on the edge of it, knee pressed to her chest, rolling her lip between her thumb and finger. Vaguely, so very vaguely, she could recall the feelings that'd stirred within her whenever she and Itachi were alone – no, not even alone. They'd felt so at peace and relaxed when in front of others, too. A rarity in their profession.

"We spent the majority of our time together," he continued to explain, unknowingly sparking her anger when he didn't jump straight to the point of why they hadn't gone through with their engagement. "We would seek the other out when we returned from missions-"

"Like that vision-"

"No, I didn't lie to you, Sakura and I wouldn't lie to try and spare another's feelings. We have never slept together," he told her gently, patiently. "But we were intimate."

"Physically?"

"Emotionally."

So… They had an innocent kind of love, then. Was that right? Whereas her love for Sasuke was toxic, the love she shared with Itachi was innocent and peaceful. It wasn't tainted by negative emotions.

"I can only speak for myself," he continued quietly, frowning minutely. "But there were times when I did feel an urge to push things further, to explore what it would be like to be physically intimate with you."

She also frowned. "Did you ever try to make a move?"

"No."

"Why?"

"There were many reasons, but our main reason to abstain was due to my clan."

Yes, she could remember now, and Sakura felt her breath leave her as Inner-Sakura carefully shared the memories of their meeting with the elders and leaders of the Uchiha Clan. Gods, she'd been a nervous wreck and their cold visages hadn't helped in the slightest.

"They didn't like me," she whispered and her gaze dropped from his. "They said I wasn't good enough for you."

Sakura couldn't tell what had upset her more, however. Their disapproval or the ending of their relationship before it'd even truly started. Due to wanting it all to go smoothly, because they'd wanted play it safe and stick to the rules, they'd abstained from exploring their feelings. They hadn't wanted to start anything when they didn't know if it would be accepted.

From the snippets Inner-Sakura cautiously shared with her, Sakura knew that Itachi had argued against their harsh words, going into detail about why she was more than good enough for him (if anything, he'd told them, she was too good for him and he didn't deserve her) and fighting their corner. But they hadn't cared in the slightest, even though his parents had been willing to accept their relationship.

"Allowing them to dictate our future in such a way remains one of my greatest regrets."

The confession knocked all thoughts from her mind, leaving Sakura to stare at him slack jawed and wide eyed.

"Only one of?" she tried to joke.

"Another was accepting their demands for an arranged marriage – a way to keep the sharingan untainted."

A classic move on the elders' part. The Uchiha Clan was full of inbreeding in a sad attempt to keep the bloodline pure – the Hyuuga Clan was known to do the same also.

"He's always lived for everyone else," Inner-Sakura told her quietly, sharing more memories with her.

He'd given up his own chance at happiness to appease his clan, similar to the way he'd given up his life for both his clan and the village, sacrificing everything to complete missions.

"We've never met a man more selfless than Uchiha Itachi."

No, they hadn't and in response, Sakura could feel her heart filling to the brim with nothing but love for him, but…

"I'm so confused," she admitted in a hush, her voice a near whisper. "How can I love three people at the same time?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly.

It didn't seem possible. Was her heart really so fickle? Did her feelings for the three men mean anything? How deep did they run? Sakura was frustrated that she couldn't answer her own questions. What was the point in merging with the other Sakura if she was still so goddamn clueless? There were only so many times she could explain the different loves to herself before it drove her insane.

Yes, her love for Sasuke was unhealthy, their whole relationship being toxic, but why did she continue to stand by him? Why did her heart continue its pitiful longing?

Yes, her love for Itachi stemmed from Sasuke's betrayal. His leaving brought them together, causing them to seek comfort from the other. But clearly their feelings ran so much deeper than that, didn't they? But if they did, why did they so easily accept his clan rejecting their courting?

And Shisui was…

Were their feelings mere products of being in such close proximity for so long? What would happen if they were separated for prolonged periods of time? Would those feelings disappear? He'd remained loyal while she was gone both physically and mentally, but what about her? Did she truly love him, or was it solely because they'd grown used to each other?

From what she could tell, from her memories at least, the only true love she had was Uchiha Sasuke. It was a love that withstood so many tests – and there'd been plenty of them. Was it toxic? Without a doubt. But it prevailed, whereas she and Itachi gave up the moment they met their first hurdle.

She supposed time would tell whether the love she had for Shisui was real or not, but…

"I stand by what I said before, Sakura," Itachi told her, his eyes watching her expression and she refrained from holding anything back, allowing him to see everything. "Nothing has to come of any of this. I'm more than happy with you back in my life – as whatever you need me to be."

She didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve any of them.

"Itachi…"

He smiled peacefully and in response, she felt the aching of her heart ease up. "What do you want, Sakura?"

She wanted… "To be me again," whispered Sakura brokenly and his smile faded, saddening.

"It will take time, but I know you will be comfortable with yourself one day."

She wasn't so sure.

It was a conversation that was long overdue, but even still, she wasn't sure if she could handle it as she stood in the doorway of his bedroom, swallowing hard. She'd done all she could in terms of procrastinating. She'd brushed conditioner through her hair way too many times, had stayed in Itachi's company until he fell asleep and left her to her thoughts and she'd showered four freaking times because no matter how hard she scrubbed, she still felt dirty, especially whenever her eyes caught a glimpse of the brand on her stomach.

Leaning up on an elbow, he frowned over in her direction and it only deepened as she stepped inside fully, shutting the door behind herself.

"Sakura."

Ridiculous, she told herself. It was ridiculous that him just saying her name stirred such a painful conflict within herself.

For each painful memory, for every time he hurt her, two good memories flashed through her mind, reminding her of the boy he'd once been. They reminded her why she'd fallen for him so hard, so unconditionally.

"Sasuke-kun," she murmured, grip tightening on the handle behind her.

Where was her resolve? Why couldn't she stay strong under his scrutinizing gaze? Why did it feel like his eyes could see through all her fronts? Like he could see her true feelings effortlessly?

"Maybe we should have had this conversation as the other Sakura," muttered Inner-Sakura with a roll of her eyes, but there was no denying she was quivering in her mind. "She wasn't affected by him."

No, she was. Just not half as much.

Sakura took a deep breath and walked further into his room, offering a small smile. Like all guest rooms in the Kazekage's home, it was lavish in its design and furniture, but plain in personal touches. They could have been staying in an inn. "I came to talk to you."

"What time is it?" asked Sasuke, looking to the window only to meet her eye once more since the blackout curtains were drawn. They'd been warned to stay away from the windows, so even if it was daytime, they had to remain shut. "Can't it wait?"

Something in her expression stopped him from saying any more, the realisation that entered his eyes leaving her breathless. Whatever she was about to say, it was obvious he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want her to say the words that would, essentially, end an era of heartbreak and longing.

"I need to focus on me," she murmured and slowly settled herself down on the edge of his bed, kneeling on the plush blankets.

It made her heart skip a beat when he slowly sat up fully, closing the distance between them ever so slightly. Like always, his effect on her was magnetic and chaotic, stirring so many memories and emotions within her, muddling every coherent thought she had up until it was nothing but mush.

There was no denying the attraction she felt, not when he looked at her like he currently was and she felt her cheeks growing warm. He was shirtless, hair tousled and bangs allowed to cover his forehead, the look in his eyes inquisitive and appealing.

Instantly, she dropped her gaze, trying to shove his appearance out of her mind.

"If… If anything develops, then I'll accept it," she said, trying to sound strong but she knew without even looking at Sasuke that she was being weak. She could feel it in the twisting of her stomach. "But I'm not going to actively pursue anything."

"You're too confused," he agreed with a slow nod, gaze averting to the blankets covering his lower half.

"And I don't want to hurt anyone," Sakura continued. "There's so much that… that I don't understand. The last time we saw each other – the real us – we both tried to kill each other, Sasuke-kun. We can't overlook that."

He wouldn't look at her and she noticed the beginnings of a scowl.

"There's so much we need to talk about and I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that conversation and… In a way, I don't think you are, either."

She held her breath when his eyes snapped to hers, wide and disbelieving.

Gods, she wanted to look away, but she couldn't be a coward and mentally, she begged the other Sakura to step up, to lend her that unwavering strength. Yes, she was unstable and lashed out, but she was so strong when backed into a corner. Sakura needed that, because when it came to Sasuke, she was always at her weakest. He tore down every leap in strength she ever made, stripping her bare.

"We've fallen apart so many times," Sakura continued quietly, voice weak and uneven. "Maybe in the future we'll come back together, stronger and permanently, but right now I need space and time to find myself again."

There. She'd said it.

"Do I even stand a chance?"

The words cut her deeply and she felt her heart take an awful blow.

It was what pushed her into moving closer, not for the first time overstepping boundaries as she embraced him without his permission, tears stinging her eyes when he immediately relaxed into her like he always had. Much to her surprise, however, he reciprocated the embrace for the first time, holding onto her, hands fisted in the back of her shirt with a strength that shook her, like he never wanted to let her go.

"I don't want to answer anything like that," Sakura whispered, her cheeks warming when she felt his forehead pressing to her chest. "I can't when I don't understand how I'm feeling."

"What about now?" he asked, voice low. "Do you understand how you're feeling now?"

Not entirely. As always, there were the stirrings of blatant attraction and she wasn't so clueless to not notice them, but…

"Sakura?" murmured Sasuke lowly, nose skimming along her throat.

She shut her eyes and swallowed.

"What are you feeling right now?"

Her breath was stolen from her when her back was pushed down into the bed, when large hands took hold of her wrists and pinned them above her head. Sasuke's body was so warm and he was so unbearably close, the feeling of his breath on her face causing her lips to automatically part in anticipation.

"How does this make you feel?" he questioned.

The softness of his voice had her insides clenching and she met his gaze, the breath remaining gone at his expression. Instead of being seductive like her mind assumed it to be, it was filled with tenderness and vulnerability, reminding her of the boy she'd come to know when they were kids, the one who protected her endlessly while they were teammates, the one who often granted her glimpses of what she was seeing in that moment.

"I…" Sakura lost the words, head tilting back of its own accord to meet the nuzzling of his nose on hers, accepting the gesture without hesitation.

"What's wrong with living in the moment?" asked Sasuke, his lips ghosting over hers and making her thighs clench around his waist. "Without any labels or expectations?"

Could they really do that with so many involved? When so many hearts were at risk of being broken?

Yes, a selfish voice hissed in her mind.

Gods, his eyes were as intense as they'd always been to her, the intensity doubling – no, tripling – when his sharingan activated.

"I'm not ready to let go," came his shocking admission.

She couldn't help but look to him with wide eyes, meeting his sharingan without flinching and she felt herself being taken back in time, to the memory she'd suspected to be fake or at the very least altered. Only, it wasn't exactly how she remembered it. No, she was seeing it from Sasuke's eyes, she realised.

Out of all the people to come after him, Sasuke was stunned to realise that his heart rejoiced at the sound of her voice.

Simultaneously, however, it made his choice more difficult. It made it harder to leave.

"Stay here with me. And if you can't, then…" came her whimper. As always, it was like his body responded of its own accord and Sasuke had to consciously stop himself in the action of turning towards her, his head lowering a fraction. "Then take me with you, Sasuke-kun."

He was glad his back was to her. He was glad she couldn't see his expression. If there was anyone who could read him outside his parents and Itachi, then it was her. It was Sakura. She knew him better than anyone, so would know how greatly the sudden idea appealed to him. But…

No, he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't condemn her to a life on the run. Sakura was too pure – the only damn thing in his life that he could say that about – and she had to remain that way, because to him, she was his breath of fresh air when he'd been struggling to breathe. She was the one who relieved him of all negativity and made him feel accepted. Truly accepted, for the first time in his entire life. She was…

Turning to look back at Sakura, he ignored the shredding of his heart as he took in the sight of her tears and smirked.

Despite how wretched he could be, she was still there for him, loving him unconditionally, offering him somewhere to come back to.

When he thought of home, what he envisioned wasn't the house he lived in, or his family. It wasn't his team or his friends or even the village.

It was her.

Sakura was his home.

"You're so annoying," he said, unable to shake the terrifying realisation of how deep his feelings went.

He had to leave while he still could, because the longer he stayed with her and around her, the shakier his resolve grew, and he couldn't risk that. He had his goal to complete and if that meant turning his back on the one who'd never wronged him or gave him reason to distrust them, even if that meant breaking the heart of the girl he cared for, then so be it.

She deserved better, anyway.

So, he walked away, eyes shutting as he squashed down the sentimental emotions that would do him no good while studying under such a monstrosity of a man.

"Don't leave me!" she screeched, causing his eyebrows to twitch at the level of pain in her voice. "If you go, I-I'll scream and-"

He had no choice, did he?

Surprising her, Sasuke flashed behind her, grateful to his new burst of speed because without it, he would have struggled. He would have had to look at her face and see the heartbreak.

She startled and stepped back, bumping into his chest and Sasuke sighed at the feeling of her warmth. How many times had she shared that with him? How many times had she embraced him when he was sad, when he was in pain or succeeded in something? How many times had she been the first one he looked to when she succeeded in something, her smile so radiant it eased the darkness in his heart?

Sasuke leaned forward, closing the distance between them, willing his voice to be strong as he murmured, "Sakura."

Would she understand the deeper meaning to his words? Would she know that it was so much more than what it seemed?

Yes. She would. Above all else, Sakura was his constant. His light in the dark. His breath of fresh air.

She was his home.

"…Thank you."

The second she drooped, Sasuke embraced her from behind, forehead pressing to her hair, his shuddering release of breath as undeniable as the shake in his voice as he soaked in her comfort one last time.

"Thank you."

That was…

It was true.

The memory she saw hadn't been falsified or planted there.

Her love for Sasuke truly was…

"I don't want to let go."

The feeling of his hands releasing her wrists, fingers trailing down her arms, caused Sakura to tremble faintly and she met his gaze, unable to ignore the swell of want within her.

But…

"If you don't want to admit your feelings-"

Without warning, she lunged, arms snaking around him.

"Sakura-"

But she couldn't hurt anyone. There were too many hearts on the line.

"Just… Stop," she whispered, embrace increasing in strength, pinning him to her. "You don't need to do any of this, Sasuke-kun."

"But you-"

"No matter what happens, I'm always going to be here for you." What part of unconditional couldn't he understand? "I'm always going to love you."

"Sakura…"

She shook her head stubbornly, eyes shutting to fight back the tears. "If you ever feel lost or alone, remember you always have a home with me – with Team Seven. With your brother. We all love you so, so much!"

Ultimately, that was what he was most afraid of, wasn't it? He'd already lost his village, his clan and his parents. Part of him even felt as though he'd lost his brother. He was lost in darkness, overwhelmed by the Curse of Hatred. He couldn't lose her, too. He couldn't lose his home, his constant.

"No matter what, I'll always love you, Sasuke-kun."