Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters. This story is entirely fictional and is based on my own experiences. Reviews and/or comments would be greatly appreciated as I am loving this story and it is a pleasure to write. Enjoy.

Kristina rander thankyou for the review, and you are very much welcome 3

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Ziva sat outside Katrina's consulting suites, nervously fidgeting. Clinical Psychologist Katrina Mavis had been treating Ziva for the past 6 months. Professional help was still very new to Ziva, as she had been used to keeping things to herself for so long. She was always nervous before the appointments with any of the doctors she saw for her Ed, often becoming paranoid that they would become sick of her an not wanting to continue treating her, or that they wouldn't believe her when she said things as she was still a healthy weight.

Your fat, and they will see through you soon enough. Your too much trouble, there's so many other girls out there they should be helping and not you.

Ziva closed her eyes, trying to block out the thoughts in her head. Part of her really enjoyed these sessions, because although they could be emotionally draining, it often helped to get all the emotions out, and learn constructive ways of dealing with them. She would often go home and write notes about what she learnt so that when she was truly ready to get better she would have the healthy tools that she needed.

"Ziva" came the singsong voice of Katrina. Katrina was South African in descent and truly a beautiful woman, both inside and out. Tall, long legged, thin and very pretty Ziva was pretty sure that she would hate her if she wasn't such a beautiful person.

After following Katrina into her office and settling herself down on one of the large couches, she resumed her nervous fidgeting. The first question that was always asked was "So how have you been" to which she usually answered "fine" or "okay" with a tone of voice that implied that she wasn't exactly perfectly ok, but she wasn't a complete mess either. Today however she knew she was far from fine, and was worried about what would be said about that.

"So Ziva" Katrina started "How have you been doing since the last time I saw you"

"Um, well, um I'm still alive I suppose" Ziva replied in a small voice.

"Is that a good thing, do you think?" Katrina asked as if reading her mind

Damn woman, I don't want to talk about this. I'm going to sound stupid, and selfish and she's going to hate me.

"Sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think it isn't. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again" Ziva replied hiding her head in hands. Suicide had been on her mind a lot lately, and it was one of the topics she was least comfortable about discussing.

"Ok, so by the sounds of it you have thought a lot about suicide recently?" Katrina asked, frowning with worry whilst watching the young woman in front of her. She knew things were not good for Ziva at the moment, but she also knew how strongly the young woman felt against suicide because to put it in Ziva's words "Well it would be easy for me, I would be dead. But I couldn't leave everyone else behind". So she knew that for Ziva to contemplate it seriously meant things were not good at all.

I don't like where this is heading, no tell her everything. No don't tell her anything. No just DO IT!

"I nearly overdosed a week ago" she blurted out, fighting back the tears that were forming in her eyes. If nothing else she would NOT cry in front of Katrina. Not today.

"Oh no, please tell me what brought you to this Ziva. What made you think killing yourself was a good idea?" came the reply in the softest pleading voice Ziva had heard from the older woman.

Flashback

I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this she had though holding her head in her hands and rocking back and forth

You're a disgrace, your fat and useless, you're a disgusting person and a monster. Your family would be better off without you. Nobody needs you, you're a lump a fat lump, and a waste of space. You're a failure and you will never be anybody her head kept screaming repeating the ugly words over and over again.

Ziva had pulled out her diary, trying to write away the feelings in a desperate attempt at calming down.

Dear Diary,

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't handle all the yelling and screaming in my head. I have Seroquel next to me, I could just take all of that. Then I would be gone. I want to disappear and I don't want to do this anymore.

She put down the pen, and the book, calmly standing up with the box of medication in her hand and a glass of water in the other.

Walking into the bathroom, she sat down and in between the silent tears that were streaming down her face, started to empty the entire box of tablets. Her hands were shaking but her mind was fixed on one thought.

I need to do this, I want to be gone

Just before she started to put the first lot of medication in her mouth, she thought back to all the people she would leave behind. She thought about her family, both deceased and alive, her doctors and her co-workers. Her mind was running a million miles an hour, but guilt was also starting to sink in, and guilt was one emotion she could not handle well at all.

You can't, think about everyone else. Don't be so selfish. No just do it. Be gone they don't need you. No you can't do this, do this and Tali died in vain. She was killed, but you have a choice, don't do this.

As soon as she thought of her sister, she knew her evil head had lost in its battle to kill her. Her sister was one of the main people that had kept her going all those years, and even though she was no longer with the living, her memory still remained a strong motivation for Ziva to keep going.

She slowly stood up and washed her face, now feeling completely numb. She stared in the mirror and the realisation of what she was about to do, hit her like a tonne of bricks. She was going to stay alive for now, even if was just for today. From now on she would take things day by day.

End Flashback

"I just didn't want to do this anymore, I'm done fighting. My head can win from now on, I don't care anymore" Ziva said, a sadness in her eyes that she just couldn't shake. She couldn't understand why it was so hard to be normal. She didn't want people to worry about her, but her thoughts were scaring her, and she didn't know how to be normal anymore.

Katrina looked on sadly, whilst thinking what to say to the young woman next. She wished that she could flick a switch in Ziva's head to show her what a kind and beautiful person she was. She often wished she could do this with all her patients, young women and sometimes men as well all with their own stories to tell. But the underlying message was often the same.

None of them felt good enough.