Chapter 33 – In Your Darkest Times
She wasn't sure what to think in that moment.
"Is that wise?" questioned Neji.
They're being reckless, her inner sneered, filling her mind with frustration towards their situation.
Why? What was the point in risking their lives so thoughtlessly? They needed them stronger, yes, but not dead.
"I…"
She looked to Naruto with a vague sense of helplessness – a feeling that was immediately overshadowed by the rage that grew from it, because she was so done with feeling helpless. And he was so fucking done with being their weapon. She would make damn sure they all knew he was so much more than a jinchūriki.
"If you're doing this, you're taking me with you," Sakura insisted, leaving no room for argument.
If Naruto was going, then so was she.
But still, Sasuke tried disagreeing, muttering, "You can't–"
"You're not leaving me behind again," she snapped without a second thought to the ramifications of her blunt words and open emotions. Whirling to glare at the youngest Uchiha, her upper lip curled. "I'm not a naïve child anymore."
"You sound like one."
Oh, he was–
A hand on her shoulder captured Sakura's attention just as she took a step forward and she looked over it, frowning at Itachi's sigh. "The training will be intense–"
"Are you saying I can't handle it?" she demanded, caught off guard by his sudden lack of encouragement. He'd always backed her previously. Always. "You of all people?"
"I am saying you are mentally unstable," said Itachi and although his voice held no specific emotion, she could tell that he was trying to be gentle with her – he just wasn't sure how to do it with everyone being involved in the conversation. "The desert is tough even on its natives."
Honestly? She didn't give a shit who it was tough on or how much tougher it would be on her. Yes, she had weaknesses and yes, it could potentially risk her life training out in the desert, but did that mean she was supposed to sit on her ass all day while everyone else took the risks? Hell no. That wasn't her before the attack on Konoha and it sure as hell wasn't her now. And she knew Itachi knew that – she could tell from the setting of his jaw.
He would remain firm in his wishes of her staying behind. No matter how greatly he supported her, Itachi would never do anything to put her in harm's way, even if it meant protecting her from her own stubborn self. So, if she was to go, Sakura knew that that meant going against Itachi – a task she'd always struggled with. But she was different now. She would stand her ground.
"I'm going," she told him, squaring her shoulders.
"I–"
"Don't," warned Sakura coldly, glancing over at Shisui. "I don't care if the three of you don't want me there. I'm going for Naruto. You want to risk his life trying to tame the Kyuubi? Then I'm going to be there."
But Shisui held his hands up and she narrowed her eyes in confusion, watching him with hidden wariness. "I wasn't going to argue," he assured her simply. "I was actually going to suggest that this may be the best time to work on your medical ninjutsu."
"I second that," stated Kakashi. Pocketing his scarred hands, he gave a half-hearted shrug. "Sakura needs to train just as much as the rest of us, if not more so due to her being a medic who can fight on the front lines."
At that moment in time, as she was, she was useless to them both as a medic and as a fighter. From not being able to heal them efficiently, to not being able to control her strength, to not even knowing what her triggers were or how to avoid them. How was she supposed to benefit them in her condition? Sakura knew she would only drag them down.
She turned to Itachi again, knowing that it would benefit her more to bring him on her side rather than Sasuke. The latter held no power in who stayed and who went, but Itachi did. As much as he didn't want to be, he was the leader of the rebels.
"I want to be the person you can lean on again," she told him earnestly, frowning. "But I'm never going to get there if you baby me."
"You think I'm babying you?"
"You don't?"
"I am unwillingly a leader to many," he began, attention solely on her like the others in the room no longer existed. It sent her mind back in time, back to when they'd met in secret in their mutual spare time and spoke freely about everything that weighed them down. "Bringing you poses an immeasurable threat, Sakura. To you and to the rest of us."
"But–"
"I want you to work through this," he told her honestly, sincerely. "More than anything, I wish to see you succeed – you know this. But I can't risk your life by acting impulsively on my emotions. I can't risk the lives of others, either."
Her heart skipped a beat.
That last part was added as an afterthought and Sakura knew from a single glance around the dining room that the others thought so too. The more traditional ones looked away like they were trying to give them some privacy, whereas the other Uchiha men had… Gods, she couldn't even tell what expressions they were wearing.
Stepping forward and destroying the awkward tension, Gaara said, "You have the mangekyō that controlled Sakura. Why not use it to reverse the damage?"
She was both grateful and irritated by the tender, awkward moment being destroyed, but soon shoved the emotions aside as she became immersed in the notion of her torment finally being over.
"That would involve implanting the eye into one of us," Shisui explained patiently. "Other than Kakashi-san, that hasn't been done before."
"Madara–"
"Implanted both of his brother's eyes."
"Going off your brief explanation on the mangekyō and its different techniques per user, it could mess with your jutsu," Neji surmised.
"Precisely."
"That's a risk none of us can take," Sasuke said. "Especially not with a medic we can't trust."
That wasn't directed at her. Sakura knew that from the subtle glance in her direction to see if she'd been offended, like he was only just aware of how harsh his words had sounded. Fortunately for argument's sake, the others (or, more specifically, Naruto) appeared to notice, too.
What Sasuke more than likely meant was that he couldn't trust Suna's medics with such a delicate procedure, not when they held the power to dispose of the last full blooded Uchiha or their sharingan. The same went for the only other medic capable of using medical ninjutsu in their group – Hinata. She could heal to an extent, but otherwise possessed considerably basic skills and knowledge. Doing an eye transplant was out of the question, even supervised. Especially supervised.
"Why are we beating around the bush when we have someone who has experience in using one sharingan?" Hanabi questioned, all the while staring straight at Kakashi. "The mangekyō too, from what I have heard."
"After many years of training myself to use this specific eye and its abilities," he replied at length, expression guarded.
If she remembered correctly, then that eye was also a final, parting gift from his friend – his only gift. To bully Kakashi – or attempt to bully him, anyway – into giving that up was downright cruel. It was probably his only way to feel close to the guy now since he couldn't even visit the cenotaph. His sole memento.
"It's not as simple as shoving an eye in and suddenly using all of its abilities," Sakura recalled from the fragments Inner-Sakura shared. "Even pure blooded Uchiha have an adjustment period."
"And you don't believe it to be worth it?" she shot back, eyebrow raising. "Having your mental health back to normal?"
It would never be normal. She'd gone through too much to be that lucky.
"Why do you get a say in what happens to me?" Sakura questioned, not unkindly. Gesturing to Itachi, she said, "Him, I get. He's the leader and has people relying on him to keep him safe."
"I'm–"
"No greater than the rest of us," Naruto weighed in with a scowl. "There's no clans here now. No Uchiha, no Hyuuga. We're all equals here and need to be united if we want Konoha back, so quit talking down to everyone."
Fortunately, before the remainders of the aforementioned clans could rip into the already fuming blond, Gaara intervened once more – no doubt trying to save his stupid friend from being beaten.
"For argument's sake, say you found a way to use your father's sharingan. Would that include the mangekyō, also?"
The three men seemed thoughtful at that and Sakura looked between them all, a restless hope attempting to flutter to life in her chest. She struggled to contain it, to refuse it a place to stay, but it managed to dig a single claw into her heart. It was all it needed to make her hope.
Because she wanted it. She wanted it to happen and to work so that she could be normal again. She wanted her friends to be able to rely on her. She wanted to help people again.
"Yes," Itachi answered at length, sharing a brief, silent exchange with Shisui. "Each of us have already acquired the mangekyō."
They wouldn't go into too much detail, Sakura realised when the room was left on edge, hanging onto Itachi's every word until he fell silent, leaving them to glance amongst one another awkwardly, wondering if he would continue. Of course, knowing her friend, he wouldn't. For the sake of protecting his clan's secrets.
"Activating it wouldn't be the issue," Sasuke insisted.
"What would?" asked Naruto, now much calmer about the whole situation. "Using the technique?"
The youngest Uchiha nodded once and met her eye, making Sakura automatically straighten up under his scrutinising gaze. "The issue is your mentality, Sakura. And whether your mind could handle another strain like that."
"We don't know the ins and outs of the technique," Shisui continued carefully at the demanding murmurs sweeping through them. "Just as much as it could be us merely removing whatever Danzo has done from your mind, we could be doing the exact opposite."
"Overwriting, in a sense. Only going over what has been done and adding to it rather than removing it," Kakashi summed up with a sigh. Leaning back against the wall, his hands balled into fists inside of his pockets, single eye narrowing thoughtfully. "It could kill you, Sakura."
"Mentally?" Hinata asked, frowning worriedly. "O-Or…?"
"She may as well be dead if she's no longer her mentally," Sasuke snapped in response.
That was… It was cruel, to say the least, but so undeniably true and Sakura believed that was why it hurt so much to hear his callous words. Sasuke was just saying what everyone else was no doubt thinking – they were simply too scared to admit it. But he wasn't. And, in a messed-up kind of way, she appreciated his honesty.
"What a pessimistic way to view it," murmured Gaara, the calmness in his voice making it impossible for the dark-haired man to retort with anger.
No, it wasn't. Not entirely. She'd already been trapped inside of her own warped mind while another took charge, leaving her submerged in darkness and struggling to regain control of her own damned body. Going through that again wasn't an option for her. It couldn't be. Despite being so up and down in that moment, with blatant instabilities in her mind, she would still choose that over losing herself again. She refused to lose herself again.
"Are the odds really so low?" Hanabi asked.
Glancing around the room, Sakura felt part of her heart sink when those involved in the conversations – minus Hinata, who continuously looked to her worriedly – didn't even acknowledge her all that much. They were discussing her potential death, yet their focus was one Uchiha or another. Or was that normal? How had relatives reacted to bad news when a loved one was in the hospital?
"Although both are risky in terms of succeeding, we would rather underestimate than overestimate ourselves," answered Itachi.
"But there are chances of succeeding," the youngest Uchiha stated, not asked.
Shisui sighed at that and finally glanced her way, making Sakura's chest tighten. "I wish it could be me who helps you, Sakura, but you know better than anyone that I'm not half as skilled as I once was. My control of my own sharingan is shaky at best – I can't put you at risk like that."
"I'm no better," admitted Sasuke, albeit reluctantly. He looked as though he'd rather be anywhere but there, but as she'd thought moments before, he'd always been the most upfront with her. He was too blunt not to tell her the truth, even if it meant admitting his weaknesses in front of others. "My own state of mind makes me a worse candidate than Shisui. I…" Briefly, he looked around the room, soon settling her with a stare she knew was apologetic, even if the others didn't. "There's the risk that I could potentially be triggered by anything my father witnessed leading up to his death, or anything that his eye has copied since his death."
Fleetingly, she met Hinata's concerned gaze after her anxious fidgeting caught her attention once again. She stood between Neji and Hanabi, the sleeves of her shirt stretched beyond repair from repeatedly tugging on them while wringing her hands together. The movement was enough to prompt Neji to place a hand on her arm, attempting to still her. It didn't work.
Then she met Itachi's eye and her heart leapt into her throat, because she knew that look. She knew what the barely noticeable down turning of his lips, the so very faint furrowing of his brow, meant.
"I am the most ideal candidate-" he began but was swiftly interrupted.
"But not the only one."
The sudden interference by the unlikeliest member of their group silenced them all from interrupting, the sudden display of courage and loyalty causing Sakura to take a step closer, damn near tearing up.
Faintly, her lips twitched at the corners and she continued to fidget, but that soon stilled when her resolve hardened upon meeting Sakura's gaze.
"I understand these are clan secrets. I understand how desperately you wish to keep them within your clan," Hinata continued, a trembling hand touching her bandaged face. "I believe I may understand more than anyone how violated this makes you all feel."
"You can't," Sasuke muttered, but Sakura wasn't the only one to witness the wary hope that flashed in his eyes. It stunned Naruto into remaining silent, leaving him to watch their wayward teammate in surprise. "You don't know the first thing about the sharingan – to use the mangekyō on Sakura is-"
"I will tutor her," offered Kakashi, though his eye met Itachi's after a moment. "With your permission, of course."
Of course, Sakura thought belatedly in surprise. Itachi was now the unofficial patriarch of his clan. And without any clan elders controlling his decisions, or parents to make them for him, it was completely up to him for the first time in his life. He no longer had any puppet strings attached to him.
As though feeling an urge to continue listing off the pros of the decision, Hinata said, "I already know my limits and have fairly decent chakra control. It's not ideal and there will be an adjustment period, but please, allow me to help Sakura-san. You can take your father's eye back afterwards. Just please, allow me to help – to try and make up for all Sakura-san has done for me."
"Hinata…" she tried, throat tight.
She smiled sadly. "You saved my life when you helped me escape, Sakura-san and by doing so, was subdued to torture I can't even imagine. This is the least I can do in return."
"Is it possible?" asked Sasuke and he looked between the two older Uchiha men, frowning. "Can somebody with the byakugan use the sharingan also?"
"There is no way to research it," stated Itachi and she knew that was his way of confessing he'd never heard of it before. "Even if we managed to enter the district somehow, the chances of the tablet being seized and under investigation is too high. It could be a wasted trip. Shisui?"
"I don't recall there ever being a person with both," admitted Shisui, but it was obvious he was considering it. He looked to her questioningly, asking, "What do you think, Sakura?"
What did she think?
She thought that Hinata was someone who was often side-lined or forgotten about entirely. Someone who was viewed as weak – Sakura admitted to having believed that herself multiple times and yes, it was perhaps part of the reason why she'd gone so far to protect her – and unable to stand for something she believed it. Even her own father had brushed her aside and gave his whole attention and dedication to his youngest child.
Hinata was someone who was always in the background. Someone everybody doubted at one point or another. Only a select few had witnessed the strength she possessed.
Sakura's lips set into a grim line.
She'd done all she could to protect Hinata from harm and every time they managed to get to her, it felt like her heart broke a little. Hinata was the gentlest, most pure person she'd ever had the honour of meeting and no matter the cost, Sakura had wanted to protect that. She'd wanted to protect her.
If she agreed, Hinata would view all she'd been through and her guilt would grow. Knowing her friend, it would consume her every thought.
If she rejected the offer, then that made her no better than those who constantly doubted her.
"I…"
They hung onto her every word and it both irritated and scared her. It made the dark reality of their shitty situation weigh down on her, because this was her life on the line. If they messed up, then that was it. It was over for her.
She looked to Hinata and took a deep breath, copying her determined stance.
"I trust you," she told her, chest constricting while simultaneously warming at the relieved hope in her eye. "But I also know you, Hinata. I know you feel obligated to help after everything we've been through together."
"Sakura-chan," Naruto tried to intervene, but was surprisingly silenced by Hinata shaking her head at him, pleading with a single nod for Sakura to continue.
"I also know that you'll be devastatingly hard on yourself should this go wrong and when you see what they did to me," she murmured, swallowing hard to try and moisten her uncomfortably dry throat. "If I agreed to this, it'll… You need to promise me that afterwards, no matter the outcome, you'll move on from it. If you can't handle the memories, I need you to be open about it and go to Itachi or Shisui or Sasuke-kun about it. They can help."
No doubt she would feel obligated to keep the memories of her torture. Part of Hinata would feel extreme guilt, which would only worsen with each memory, and as punishment for leaving or unwillingly allowing Sakura to be taken instead, she would accept those tortuous memories.
Suddenly remembering the single memory of anguish he'd witnessed, Naruto paled and glanced to her worriedly. "Isn't there a way to keep the memories away?"
The memory of her sterilisation alone was almost enough for Sakura to refuse the help. She almost wanted to say that they should forget it entirely, because the less people who knew about it, the better. She didn't want or need anybody's pity.
But her selfish want to be back to normal forced her to be silent, instead copying everyone else when they looked to Itachi for answers, leading him to sighing and shaking his head. "To ensure Danzo's influence is eradicated fully, it is imperative to go through the entire torture. There is no way of knowing how many sessions it took for him to gain full control of Sakura's mind."
"Or how deep the control goes," added a newcomer to the conversation and Sakura felt her knees weaken when Ino entered the room, clutching her bump uneasily. She regretted everything that had transpired already, especially when faced with her bloodshot eyes. "Ibiki-shishou was a part of the torture sessions. Chances are, he would have instructed Danzo to go beyond the torture."
"The false memories," Itachi said, sounding faintly surprised.
"Precisely," she murmured, then glanced to Sakura. "It's not just to mess with your head and make you question what's real. There's the possibility of them being there to anchor the fake Tsunade-sama to your psyche."
Tsunade…
No, she warned herself while Inner-Sakura shook her mentally. She had to stay grounded and in the moment.
"Does that create the risk of eradicating a memory with the real Tsunade-sama?" questioned Kakashi cautiously and she noticed him steal a glance at her reaction to the question, one she couldn't help but give at full force. Eyes wide with fear, her fists clenched tightly – almost as tight as her chest. "There is no way of us knowing which of Sakura's memories are real or fake."
She didn't even know that, so how would they?
Ino nodded in agreement and thanked Hanabi when a chair was pulled out for her, allowing the blonde to ease herself back into it. "It has to be a gradual process. One wrong move and you could essentially destroy what makes Sakura, Sakura." Taking a deep breath, she warily met their eyes, telling them, "As I was saying earlier, you need to find the triggers. Not necessarily re-enacting the torture methods," Ino added swiftly when others began to argue. "What I meant was that something, somewhere, can be linked."
Frowning thoughtfully, Shisui asked, "Are you suggesting that after each torture session, it's possible that Danzo used the sharingan then?"
"Her mind would have been weakened from attempting to withstand the torture, if not completely detached for the sake of preserving her mental well-being," Ino explained, stroking her bump absentmindedly. "Without knowing, Sakura, you could be connecting it all."
Was she the only one not entirely getting it? Gods, they'd truly done a number on her, because even Naruto seemed to understand, if only a little.
"I know after what I insinuated earlier, you're going to find it hard to trust me," she continued, grimacing. "But I studied under Ibiki-shishou, Sakura. I know a majority of his methods."
They were waiting for her to say something, but all Sakura could do was stare at her best friend warily.
"And as much as she hates me," she added and dipped her head a little, watching her meaningfully, "we both want the same thing. We want you to be better. Combining my jutsu and her knowledge of your mind, I can sift through your memories and untangle the mess Ibiki-shishou has made of them."
"Allowing Hinata to safely extract the false memories and the fake Tsunade-sama with Fugaku-san's sharingan," concluded Kakashi. "That would also buy us time for the adjustment period and teaching Hinata about using the sharingan."
"Can it be done?" Gaara asked after a long pause of silence.
"It sounds possible," Shisui responded with a nod. "But ultimately, the decision is Sakura's – we do not and cannot have a say in it."
Knowing she was struggling, Itachi told her, "Think it over carefully, Sakura. We will preserve my father's eye until that moment, that way you won't feel obliged to agree if you witness Hinata's training or determination to help."
"Just know," Ino added, catching her eye again. "I'm here and will continue to be here if Hinata does this." Peering over at the other woman, she said, "We can combine my mind jutsu with whatever you need to do, Hinata, and I can guide you if you need extra assistance or mental strength."
That did ease the knot of anxiety in her chest that grew every second.
"Can you handle that in your condition?" asked Neji. "You were struggling when faced with the outside perspective of Haruno's struggle following her rescue."
But she ignored him, her single, hard blue eye meeting Sasuke's for a long moment before returning to Sakura's, narrowing fractionally. "I promise, Sakura. We can do this."
"Okay," she agreed in a near whisper. Just the thought of the others witnessing her memories and sorting through them all was terrifying, as was the anxiety of losing even a single memory of Tsunade, but she knew it was necessary. To move forward, to make Danzo pay for all he'd done, to save their village, they needed her at her best. "I'll do it."
A bright smile pulled on Ino's lips before she nodded once, determined. "I'll do the eye transplant myself."
"You can do that?" Hanabi questioned.
"I studied medical ninjutsu too," she assured them all and stood up slowly. "I wasn't Tsunade-sama's apprentice, but she did watch over my sessions a few times. I might not be up to Sakura's level but don't underestimate me."
"Fine," Inner-Sakura muttered reluctantly. In her mind, Sakura saw her folding her arms over her chest and turning away, like she was actually in the room with them. "I'll do it."
"And once this is done, I'm going with you," Sakura said to Itachi firmly, hands going to her hips. "You have no excuses now not to take me with you."
His only response was to sigh.
A/N - Sorry it's been so long, everyone! I'm doing better, thank you to everyone who was asking.
Also, I'm an admin on a discord server, if any of you are interested in joining? We talk about all kinds of things, not just Naruto and pairings and it'd be great to see you all there! Here's the link (broken up so that it doesn't get deleted by FF - delete the spaces and brackets) (https):/(discord. gg) /CGYu5jR
If that doesn't work, you can also find it on my Tumblr!
Hope to see you all there!