Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters. This story is entirely fictional and is based on my own experiences.

Thank you Hungerhoney and Kristina r ander for the reviews its much appreciated.

Thank you Debbie for the review. You've been so patient with me for so long, so I am glad you are still enjoying my work.

Xxxxxxxx

It was 1900 hours and Ziva had just returned home from the Navy yard.

It had been a quiet couple of days for the team, and they had mostly been working on cold cases. Ziva had been restless all day, and all she had wanted to do was exercise.

120.3

The scale was .5 of a pound more than the morning, as she had managed to finally get under 125. However this did nothing to quiet her mind. She stood with tears in her eyes as she looked into the mirror. She was just so big, and ugly.

Her fingers traced the old scars that covered her stomach. It had been 3 weeks since she last self-harmed, and in all honesty she had no idea how she had made it that long. The urges were getting stronger and stronger, and it was taking all the energy she had to not give into them. She had to leave work by 1600 hours the next day, as she had another appointment with Katrina.

She's going to think you're a fat pig, she's going to think you're lying to her, you haven't seen her in 3 weeks and you look bigger than before!

In reality she knew that Katrina would not judge her for her weight. Katrina knew that Ziva was always honest, when they talked as they both knew that honesty was the key, in a professional/patient relationship.

Stupid, fat, cow, pig, stupid, fat…..

The thoughts in her head, just wouldn't stop, yelling ugly words. Sometimes it surprised her that no one else could hear them, especially when they were so loud. She also always found that when her eating wasn't doing so well, she would hallucinate, seeing flashes of objects that weren't really there and hearing her name called over and over again.

I need a blade, where is my blade.

She all but ransacked her apartment in her desperate attempt to find one of her scalpels. She needed to self-harm more than anything, she needed the thoughts to shut the hell up and leave her alone, and she needed to feel some piece. She knew her logic was flawed and it would cause more trouble in the long run.

She found one within 5 mins, and went into the bathroom. Rolling up her pants she started to cut. She let out a small sigh of relief as the pain took over.

You deserve this, keep going, that's not enough.

She let the tears that she had been holding onto for week, roll down her cheeks. Before she knew it she had covered her legs, stomach and arms.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, YOU PATHETIC IDIOT!

She never had before cut her arms, so that people would not know that she self-harmed. How the hell was she going to hide this one?

She quickly cleaned the wounds and changed into her pyjamas. She would deal with the team in the morning, but for now she was exhausted. She was tired both mentally and physically, and she had not realised how much she had been holding in, until she had let it all out.

She took her night meds, and sank into her bed, wincing as her body made contact with the mattress. Her mind still racing, the drugs took over and she fell into a drug induced. sleep.

Xxxxxxxx

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

Ziva awoke to the sound of her favourite of her song. She had always loved Evanescence's music, because the lyrics often told a story that she could relate to. Pop music had never really interested her, nor did movies unless they had a meaningful storyline. She had never understood DiNozzo's fascination with movies, nor his endless movie references.

She quickly got out of bed, and made her way to the bathroom to complete her morning ritual. After quickly peeing the remaining water out she quickly stripped and stood onto the scale.

119.7

Getting better, but still nowhere near good enough.

The joy she felt after she saw the lower number, quickly turned to anger and disgust. She was not losing this weight quickly enough but she didn't know what else to do. She was already eating under 500 calories, and running for at least an hour, on top of her work for NCIS. She would just have to be patient.

Ziva quickly go dressed, grabbed her bag and started to run. She was heading for the Navy yard, with all thoughts of last night pushed aside. She had no idea yet, what she was in for.