Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters. This story is entirely fictional and is based on my own experiences. Reviews and/or comments would be greatly appreciated as I am loving this story and it is a pleasure to write. Enjoy.
Xxxxxxxx
Ziva sat in Katrina's office, her head in her hands. There had been so much that had happened within the last week, and now to many people knew too much of her highly guarded secret.
She had wrapped herself in a blanket, her cocoon of safety. She could feel the anxiety pounding though her and she couldn't stop the shaking.
After Katrina had given her patient a glass of water, she watched as Ziva seemed to be struggling with her own internal thoughts.
"What has happened Ziva to trigger this? I have never seen you like this before." Katrina asked worriedly. She had been seeing Ziva for a while now and there had never been so much anxiety and panic.
Ziva rocked up and down trying to find the words that would express how she was feeling.
"I just can't do this anymore, I'm done with the shit in my head, I want it to stop and it just never fucking goes away, and I'm so done" Ziva replied tears streaming down her face.
"Has something happened at work?" Katrina knew that Ziva kept up the perfect mask for work, but she also knew that she was struggling to do that at the moment.
"They know, they found out, and now I feel as if I'm being watched like a child who can't look after herself" She cried, her body shaking by the force of her distress.
"Ok, well let's go back to that for a minute. You say they know, what exactly do they know?" Katrina asked trying to grasp how serious the consequences of such knowledge would be.
"They found out about the self-harm, I don't know if they know about the eating disorder and now I just don't know what to do"
"Did you expect that you would be able to hide it forever? Katrina asked, sympathy lacing her words.
"I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it forever, but I wasn't ready for it to be exposed that soon" she cried tears still streaming down her face. She had never cried in front of Katrina and at that very moment she felt like the weakest person in the world.
"Let's take a step back for a moment and look at your options" Katrina replied making notes on her notebook.
Ziva looked at her in disbelief, because at the moment she wasn't seeing any options.
"First of all you could speak to Gibbs and Dr Mallard, and explain what is going on, I could be there for you as well and that way I can with your permission show them the reports that I have already compiled for you."
"What's the second option?" Ziva asked, terrified of revealing her secret to Gibbs and Ducky, especially when she had hid it so well for so long.
"Well the second option would to go on pretending that there is nothing wrong. This may work for a while but there will be feelings of betrayal and hurt. Ultimately you will lose their trust, and isn't that the one thing that your team relies on? Trust."
Katrina tried to explain this as gently as possible to Ziva, because she could feel how terrified she was because the emotions were radiating so strongly out of her.
Still in tears Ziva thought about the two options. Yes telling Gibbs and Ducky would be hard but ultimately she knew it would be the best option. She had come to regard the team as family and she would let nothing come between this.
She could feel the tears slowly subsiding, and it felt like a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had hidden her illness for so long and it had been a long and lonely battle, it would be nice to have people who cared and could look after her.
Her session with Katrina continued, and they explored Ziva's thoughts and feelings surrounding work, relationships and personal time. Katrina also wanted to address the issue of Ziva's self-harm but thought that that would be better kept for their next session.
Ziva thanked Katrina as she slowly left the office and headed home. It had been an emotionally tiring day and she wanted nothing more than a hot bath, and then a good night's sleep.