Catra would kill you if you told anyone this, but she thought winning would be different.
Less upside down, anyway.
How had it all gone wrong?
There she was, ruling the world, just like she always planned. There was plenty of tuna, a human servant with a nice soft lap, sun beams to nap in, three rooms full of familiar smells and comfy chairs she'd scratched into submission. Paradise!
Then she got herself a big buff girlfriend (And so what if Adora was a dog? Nobody's perfect!) and she made Adora's human, High Up, give them his place. It had a better view of the woods so they could laugh at Kyle collecting nuts while the humans were at work or doing whatever it is humans do when they're not doing important things like giving belly rubs and cleaning the litter box. A total upgrade!
And, of course, Lap came with her because somebody needed to work the can opener but then High Up stayed too. And, fine, he wasn't so bad, mostly because his shoulder was a lot higher than Lap's was and Catra like being high up. Plus, he gave her a lot more people food, so he wasn't completely useless. Adora liked him anyway.
And it was nice for Lap to have someone of her own kind to play with. You know how humans get when they're all alone. Weird. Late with dinner. Talking to you like you're some gooey baby and not a fearsome killer. It's pathetic! It's better to have two, let them keep each other occupied, give you some peace.
But then this whole business with the looooong car ride? She'd very distinctly told them she would not handle this indignity the entire way, and they'd had the audacity to leave her in that carrier as if she wasn't the one running this place. Stupid humans! And now they were apparently staying in this new place that smelled weird and was too big and too empty where the moon was too bright and there were too many stars and there wasn't enough furniture to hide under and the spiders tasted different and she hadn't worked out where the good sunbeams fell yet. It was like they'd specifically set it up to torture her, the way there were boxes everywhere, but they all had STUFF in them so you couldn't even wedge yourself into one for a moment's peace.
A nightmare!
All she wanted was to grab Adora and go back home together. Just the two of them, the way things were supposed to be. Except she couldn't even find her.
And now she was upside down.
"Catra, you ridiculous animal! If you would stop trying to climb the window treatments, you wouldn't keep ending up in this position!" Lap reached up and grabbed Catra around the middle and tried to detach her back paws, but her claws were in there good. Obviously, or she would have just gotten herself down! She batted at Lap's head fur casually, as if maybe she meant to be hanging upside down from her back claws as far as anyone knew.
"You know, Glimmer, I think that old picnic table is going to work out great. Once I sanded it, it looked brand new."
Great, here comes High Up. Catra swore it, if he made one cat pun, she was going to show him why sensible animals never exposed their tummy.
"Hey, Bow? Can you come in here? Catra's stuck in the curtain again and she got herself up so far up this time I can't reach to get her down."
High Up laughed. "Silly kitty. Give me one second to wash the paint off, I'll be right there."
Help? From High Up? Ugh. Catra was glad Adora wasn't here to see this. She could hear him in the kitchen, meowing at Laps about something or other in people talk, all the while running the sink without even offering to let her bat at the water. Rude!
"I think I'm going to grab some different paint when I go to return the truck. I primed the table, but I don't think I like the color. It's too… green. It's creeping me out."
"Yeah? Let me see." Laps shifted how she was holding Catra so she could look out the window behind her. Catra rolled her eyes. Humans were always going on about "colors" like everything around here wasn't gray, anyway. "Oh, OK, yeah, that lime green? I hate that on, like, a deep personal level. Yechk. That color definitely wronged me in a past life."
"Right?" High Up was there, and she swiped at him with her front claws just on principle, but he dodged. Damn it! He was getting better at that.
"Come on, Catra, he's trying to rescue you and you're attacking him? That's low even for you!" Lap gave her a stern look, but she only grinned in return.
Aw. You know nothing's too low for me.
High Up freed her back feet from the curtain and dropped her unceremoniously on the ground. She did not dignify either of them with so much as a glance back as she leaped onto the top of the kitchen counter. Lap reached into a box and unwrapped one of those weird tall water dishes the humans used. If you hit them with your paw just right, they made a very satisfying smashing sound, but then they had to take out the vacuum and... Catra's tail floofed up just thinking about it.
"I thought you were going to trim her nails so this didn't keep happening." Lap unwrapped another dish like Catra wasn't right over here ignoring entirely her, a clear sign she wanted scritches!
"I tried. She bites!" High Up held up his arm, covered in little heart bandages. Catra flicked her tail with satisfaction. Served him right.
"Oh no, bad kitty!" Lap scowled at her. Scowled! At her! Like she wasn't here first! She was definitely going to barf on her pillow later. As soon as she figured out which room it was even in.
"It's OK. I think she's still a little freaked out by the move." High Up came over and gave Catra a little scritch on the head. "Right Catra? For you, this is all one big CATastrophe. But your new FURever home has a lot of PAWsibilities, no kitten." Cat puns! Murder! She would end him, she would… oh, yeah, that spot right behind the ear purrrrrr. Ugh, fine, she'd let him live. This time. "At least Adora's enjoying herself."
"Still. I feel bad she hurt you. Maybe I can make it feel better." Lap leaned over and kissed between the bandages on High Up's arm and then he leaned over and... ewww. Catra turned away, so she didn't have to watch the disgusting things going on behind her.
Humans! Why couldn't they just use their tongues for normal things like cleaning their fur and drinking out of the toilet? Blegh! She should take them to get fixed one of these days. The last thing she and Adora needed was more humans around here to deal with.
She turned to commiserate with Adora but she wasn't there. A flash of fur outside the kitchen window reminded her why she'd gotten caught in the curtain in the first place. Adora was romping around outside, rolling around in the grass and running in circles, trying to catch the poof of hair on her tail. That dummy.
Hey, Adora!
Catra! It's so great out here! Wooo! Adora waved her tail, her tongue draped happily out of the side of her mouth. There are so many new smells and sticks to chew and you can just run all around inside the wood wall and you don't even have to wear a leash or anything! Oh, and, hey if you go over by the gate part you can see the sidewalk and—Hey! Hey, kid! Get away from my house!
Adora was barking like mad now, and Catra rolled her eyes. That dog always had to play the hero. There was no point in trying to talk to humans anyway. You could yowl something so clear a newborn kitten would understand, and they would have no idea what you were saying. Adora was always going on about how they should call their humans "Glimmer" and "Bow" like they did each other, but what was the point when they didn't even come when you called them?
Catra! I did it! I saved the whole universe again! I was like, yeah, you keep riding those bikes right out of here, kids—Pew! Pew!—and they were like whoosh right out of— Oooo. Hey, that looks delicious. Adora darted off after something Catra couldn't see. She adjusted her haunches and pressed her face against the screen, trying to follow the canine blur around the yard.
Adora! Remember what High Up keeps saying! Not everything is food! She shook her head. The love of her life too often thought with her stomach. More brawn than brain.
At least she was hot.
But some things are food, and how will I know unless I try everything? Adora was chasing something invisible around the grass, snapping at nothing. The humans were too busy pretending each other's faces were their water dish to notice. It was up to Catra to come up with a reasonable plan, as usual. Owner of the only brain-cell in the entire squad! She ran over to the door.
Hey! Let me out! Stop trying to make kittens and open this door at once!
"Aw, kitty, are you jealous?" Lap finally untangled herself from High Up. She scooped Catra up and tickled her belly. "You're still my little baby, don't worry!"
Woman, unhand me this minute or I will shred you to ribbons. She almost did it too, but then she remembered that Adora was in Moral Peril and she was her Only Hope. She jumped out of Lap's arms and scratched at the door.
"Oh no, you're not scratching up this door like you did the one at the apartment. You cost me my deposit, you little nightmare. Where are those clippers?"
Aah, no! Betrayal! She had to get out of here.
She saw her chance. High Up was bringing another stack of boxes in and in the half a second it took him to turn around and close the door with his back paw, she flew out the opening into the wider universe.
Catra! Adora ran up to her, tail wagging like crazy. Are you supposed to be out here? Won't the humans be mad?
That's a problem for future Catra and Adora. Now, what's so—Is that a mouse?! She arched her back and leaped behind Adora.
Catra! That's just a chipmunk. Adora was laughing. I can't believe you still fall for that. Ugh, was she ever going to let that mouse thing go? It was one time! Come on, let me show you around. This place is great, there's—Wait. Something buzzed between them and Adora focused on it. Catra? You see that?
I don't see anything. Are you sure you don't have brain damage? Catra had to admit that Adora did run into a lot of walls, but she'd always assumed all that fur on Adora's head kind of cushioned it. But Adora wasn't listening.
One time, Bow dropped this thing he was eating that was sooo good. It was like cheese but poofy? Well, I think I just found a new kind that FLIES! And before Catra could say anything else, Adora took off after the flying cheese poof at full speed.
Adora, slow down! Adora, tree! Tree!
Crash. Catra didn't know why she bothered, really. She trotted over to where Adora was lying upside down on the grass under the tree, looking dazed.
Hey, Adora? Adora!
Catra? What happened?
You ran into a tree.
Wait. Where is it? Where'd it go? Ther- There was a delicious buzzing snack thing. It was right here. I tried to bite it, but it got really sharp. Oh! Wait, I think I'm sitting on—Adora rolled over then jumped up, yelping. Catra, run! The food is attacking!
The fur on Catra's back stood, and she hissed, tearing up the nearest tree. Meanwhile, Adora ran in circles around the yard, howling. The humans came a minute later, High Up going on about something called a bee.
I'll be right back! Adora barked. The next thing Catra knew, Adora was gone.
Suddenly something hit her head hard, and she looked up to see… Seriously, Kyle? Kyle twitched his fluffy tail, another nut between his little idiot paws. Oh, she was going to make him pay for that.
She lunged, her claws catching onto Kyle's branch for just a second before she slipped and slammed into the branch underneath. She tried to get a grip but there was a snap and she hit the grass below with a thud. Above her Kyle— no, two... three Kyles? How many Kyles were there in this horrible place?—laughed at her. Laughed! At her!
She'd show them! She'd show them all! She'd get Adora. Adora would protect her.
She ran over to the big doors that lead back into the house. She pressed her paws against the screen and pulled herself onto her back paws. From out here, the house looked like a mishmash of random boxes and half unpacked things everywhere.
Adora? Catra mewed, but there was no reply. But there, on the floor, by the big lamp from the living room! A flash of fur and then—
Aaaaaah! Catra didn't know being a lamp was contagious! And yet there was her friend Adora, all big with this white lampshade around her head. What had they done to her? Adora over and she was trying to say something, but all Catra could do was back away in horror.
They'd taken her. They'd taken Adora and turned her into some kind of… giant cone monster Bee-Ra thing, and now she was all alone. How dare they take best friends and turn them into giant lamp monsters who run off with people clearly inferior to you?
There was a click that meant High Up was opening the front door to get another box. Catra could go in, she could follow and be with Adora and it would just be the two of them at the end of the world like it was supposed to be, but she couldn't move.
Just like that, everything had changed.
She was alone. All alone in without her best friend. Weird new smells surrounded her, reminding her she was in unfamiliar territory.
What was that? She spun around. Something in the distance rumbled, like a giant angry electric can opener seeking revenge.
Something was watching her from over on the picnic table with this real superior look, like it thought it was the lord of this whole terrible zone full of fights. It had an arm like a cannon that aimed right towards her like it was yelling, GET OUT. She ducked under a nearby bush, trapped with nothing but the creepy shadows weaved across the dirt.
What was that? It slithered by her paws, and she arced, jumping back. The thing slithered towards her, lashing its tongue. The snake moved towards at her and she darted around it, claws out. She hissed, and it whipped its tail like it was saying, Whip!
It dove between her legs, and that was the exact moment when she decided she'd had it. Her best friend had abandoned her and left her out here to die. Everything had attacked her. And now this snake thought it could mess with her? She rounded on it.
So, here's the thing. I've done this. The whole threatening people bit. The intimidation? I've been there. And I just don't care anymore. Some people have a bad day. She pounced, trapping the snake between her paws. I've had a bad life. If I want something, it's taken from me. It wriggled in her grasp, but she bit down on its tail. If I win a fight, I lose the war. Threats only work on someone who has something to lose. But me? I've already lost it all.
Then she picked up the snake by its tail and dragged it, wriggling and flailing, over to the table. She'd leave it as a warning to anything else that tried to… but then she saw it again. Arm Cannon looked right at her with a look that said, How dare you? But she was the lord of this place now.
She lunged, claws clasping around the cannon, biting. Ha! Looks like you're ready to listen. Then it fired, and tried to rocket out of her grasp, but she held on, her teeth dug into its robotic armor, while it sprayed her all over with something sticky and alien.
She was doing it! She was winning! She had it all under control.
And then it slipped out of her grasp and whacked her off the table.
No! This was it. It was like she fell in slow motion. She was going to die like this, with no one in the entire universe who cared about her.
But just as she hit the ground, she saw her, the sun behind her making it look like she was glowing with some kind of magical light. Adora looked huge, the cone thing like a halo around her face. She lunged for the cannon and squeezed it between her powerful jaws until it stopped its terrible reign of the backyard, its once powerful spray just a harmless drip.
You miscalculated. Adora growled and then she was by her side and all Catra could manage was a weak Hey Adora and Adora licked her even though she was still covered with all the gross smelly stuff and it was like their love had saved the universe.
"You should have seen it, Aunt Casta. The pictures do not do justice to the sheer amount of chaos they caused. First Adora got stung by a bee she was trying to eat for some reason so we took her in to deal with that and then I guess Catra got out because one minute Catra was on the counter and then, not even ten minutes later, I come back downstairs with the clippers to see Adora come crashing through the screen door and there's Catra, primed bright lime green, and Adora's battling the paint sprayer, because I guess she thought she needed to save the cat? And there's like this poor half dead garter snake on the table and the squirrels all worked up because there's a branch off the tree. Then Catra was being a baby about the bath as usual and we had to wrap her up in a towel and rock her to get her to calm down and then they chased each other around the house like maniacs for a while to get dry and it was a whole big thing. But they're perfectly happy now."
Lap's voice drifted in from the kitchen where she was still unpacking and talking into her little rectangle human toy thing. Catra had to admit, it was kind of cute to watch them play. Lap'd already said no kitties allowed in the backyard, but there was no way they weren't sneaking back out tomorrow after High Up had finished with the stinky prime stuff to mess with the Kyles, show them who's boss. The thought made her purr.
See, dummy. I knew all along this place was going to be great for us. Catra stretched, yawning, perfectly happy. Adora didn't bother to reply, but her tail thumped on the floor. Catra snuggled a little closer into her furry belly.
You know, Adora, I don't know about you, but I am having a blast.
