So this is something a little different than my current stories, this is a one-shot based on valentines day 2020 as they can't spend this year together. Hopefully, you enjoy my ramble of how I interpreted their relationship and Peters's thoughts as I have yet to write from his perspective. Let me know what you think, all love, and I hope you enjoy your Valentine day.
Carla's head was resting on my chest, her hair fanned out as she took deep breaths, fast asleep without a care in the world. From this angle I could see her shoulders and the arch of her back before the quilt covered the rest of her body and obstructed my view. She was naked in my arms and I matched her in the lack of clothing as we were still just enjoying each other's company. It was still the incredibly early hours of the morning and I was only able to tell this from how low the streaming sunlight was that basked the room in Roy's flat in a warm glow. I was too busy enjoying myself and loving that she was peacefully asleep that I didn't want to disturb her and continued to think in my own world to keep my mind busy. I couldn't bare it if I woke her by fidgeting or moving too much, she needed her sleep, and I was glad she was getting it.
If I thought back to the first time, I set eyes on her all those years ago, I never thought she would be lying in my arms, content and happy with me of all people. Even when thinking about when we first properly met after she stumbled into the AA meeting and walked straight back out, I never thought we would be here. I just wanted to help her, someone that struggled with their own sobriety much like I did and wanted to support her, she was my partners best friend, she was someone who needed my help. Her life couldn't have been more of a sob story, she struggled every day just to make it through, and I connected with that thought. She lost her soul mate, was tormented by her husband, and was hated for following her heart, I felt my heartbreak for her as I revisited these memories.
"Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy."
Her statement was so sincere as she spoke to me and her sadness poking through on every word, I remembered in excruciating detail how sincere she was when saying this. Carla honestly believed that she didn't deserve to be happy and I vowed as soon as I heard this to not only make her realise that she deserved everything and more than just happiness but she was going to be happy, even if I had to help her every step of the way.
She fell for me and I tried my hardest to resist everything she threw at me; I'm not saying it wasn't hard, but I was unsure where all this strength had come from. Something deep within me kept me faithful to Leanne even if it was almost impossible, especially when she walked through her flat dripping with water, wearing only a towel. She was breathtakingly beautiful and even now I think that my own securities of her deserving so much better than me was what kept me away from her for so long. She begged for me not to belittle her love by calling it a crush but I did it more so for me than her as I couldn't accept the fact that I somehow had convinced this beautiful and endearing woman to fall in love with someone like me. Not only someone like me but it was actually me. I fought her for so long and refused to believe that this is how she truly felt, I lashed out at her.
Finding out that not only Leanne had been cheating on me with her scumbag of an ex, but that Carla had known and hadn't told me infuriated me. The rational part of my brain was screaming about how my attention should be focused on Leanne and how she had destroyed our relationship and family. Carla was my friend, my best friend, she had been someone I could rely on and talk to, and I thought those feelings were returned, she claimed that she loved me but kept my wife's dirty secret. My actions lashed out at her as I was angry, she had not told me. The wedding blessing was one of our worst moments as a couple as I called her out in front of her, humiliating, belittling, and destroying her. If I were more self-aware, I would have realised my feelings for her then as I was consumed with hurting her, yet she hadn't actually done anything.
Pushing her to Frank was the worst mistake I had ever made. I will forever hate myself for that and no matter what she or anyone else says about that would change how I feel, if I had admitted my feelings earlier, she wouldn't have been hurt. Carla was there even when I was horrible, she comforted me after my wife had a miscarriage, she stopped me from drinking, and she made me feel like me again when I was down. I had done nothing to receive all of this and it was only as I looked back on this did, I realise how undeserving I was. When she was hurt and brought to her lowest, I wanted to kill him, I wanted to make him suffer and hurt as much as she was. Of course, I went about it in the wrong way by everyone finding out that she was raped, by validating his defence of our love, and by not being there for her before then. I tried to let her know that I cared, even if Leanne pushed me away, even if she pushed me away, even if she was at her lowest.
My heart was convinced that my love was for the dark-haired beauty was only friendship and I was protective over her, wanting to repay her for the choices I made her make. Would she have ever gone near Frank if she hadn't have fallen in love with me? I smiled and sought her out as soon as she returned from the street. I wanted to be around her as she had started to pick up the pieces of her life and become the woman I had known. When I wanted to drink and give in to my own temptation, I was with her, she helped me through it. When I was drunk and depressed, she gave me hope, she gave me the feelings and thoughts that I needed and wanted, I had never felt this way. She gave me everything I didn't deserve but like a selfish man, I wanted them. It was the moment I left after she helped me sober up, the moment I was leaving her, that I realised I was in love with Carla Connor.
I had kissed her before I realised the depths of my feelings but now, I was aware that I loved her, and I never wanted to stop kissing her, to stop being with her. Her lips moving against mine and her hands on me, we felt like a jigsaw piece finally fitting together.
"You have to be really careful what you say to me, I am really fragile right now."
My heart shattered in guilt but I persisted, she needed to know that she was right all along, we were the perfect fit, I begged for her to love me like she claimed as I was finally brave enough to admit it to myself. Moving to her bedroom and watching her breakdown as she feared she would lose me as she wasn't ready for anything intimate, broke me all over again. This evening was one of the happiest days of my life as I finally got to be with her, but I was trying to move on from the guilt of her obvious upset. I stayed with her all night, refusing to leave, scared she was going to finally come to her senses, realise that she was too good, too beautiful, too smart for the likes of me. Her heart was all mine and I still had the decency to drag her along in an affair, too scared to break my family. When I was finally ready and able to do this, we were once again pushed back, she couldn't be with me in the public eye as then Franks defence would be true, and she would never get justice.
She didn't get justice though, she didn't want to go to the hotel, she knew it would be too dangerous, but I pushed and tried, and then she was right, we got caught. Leanne was humiliated as my affair was exposed in the courtroom; I may have wanted to be with Carla, but Leanne was still someone I cared about. Although she had fought my feelings on the matter, I still felt the intense guilt of being the reason that she was hurt, and he was allowed to keep punishing her.
"I love you."
She was my world, no matter what anyone thought on the matter, no matter what Frank said or did, no matter what happened next. Carla Connor still being able to love me after everything I had put her through was the light at the end of my tunnel. To still be lucky enough to have her love me was amazing and it helped take away the pain of every remark I received from my family or random people who lived on the street butting into my life. Of course, they blamed me for breaking Leanne's heart, but they forgot about her cheating and most importantly they didn't know Carla. On the street she was only known as the strict, cold business owner, nothing ever touched her, and they will never know how wrong she is. I never want anyone else to know either as she was my love and I never wanted to let her go and allow others to see this side of her, the truth. She was now free to lie in my arms every night, she was free to be with me every day and we were free to show everyone that we loved each other and that we were for keeps. She was finally mine for everyone to see. Life was never that easy for us though as we struggled through Simon's hatred and Frank's torments. We struggled through his death and being accused of murder, we coped through it but Simon hating Carla was becoming too much, especially with Leanne coming back and everyone including my son thinking of her as a saint. She was back with Nick and they took my son, they showered him with things I couldn't, they were giving him the love that Carla couldn't and they were making him happy by taking the moral high ground that we couldn't.
Like an idiot I blamed Carla for this, I blamed her for struggling when she was going through hell, and I wanted her to play the part of a perfect mom. I blamed her when Simon didn't want me as he was too young to fully understand what had happened. I blamed her for everything wrong in my life and pushed her away so that I could drink. I lashed out as she put her life back on track and was becoming herself again, I couldn't handle that as my life fell apart.
"You dint fit in here. You'll buy a vase or a photo frame and put in here, but it just looks wrong. You look wrong in this flat."
I had destroyed her just like I intended as her face crumbled and heart joining it. If I was a better man, if I was a better person, I would have cared, I would have begged for another chance, yet instead, I focused on myself and tried to put my family back together after I broke it. Leanne knocked me back and I had no choice but to take the only remaining part of my family I could control as I took Simon and ran. As I sobered up, my heart and brain finally started to realise what I had done to the love of my life and I was filled with disgust at myself. Not wanting to face up to the truth, I begged for help and for to run away with Simon and me, creating our own family. As much as I hated her at the time when she called for reinforcements to take Simon home, I know now how much she genuinely loved me and my son.
Travelling with her and fixing not only me but our relationship was the best decision we ever made as we came back better than ever. We got to know each other with no distractions and input from anyone else. I fell in love with her all over again. After receiving help to combat and fight my addictions, I honestly thought I would never succumb again. She got to see the real me and unbelievably, she still loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Carla Connor was the most incredible woman I had ever met, and I was still somehow lucky enough to have her in my arms, to have her love me unconditionally.
Returning home was amazing, we were a team, and in every fight or battle, we came out together, and even better we fought together as we should. A part of me believed that everything I had done in life was to lead me to her, to my new family that was the best thing I could have asked for. The temptation was never far though as like most couples we fought, and it started to get harder to do it together and it started to feel easier to give in. I was no longer the hero of our story, I was no longer needed as she saved me, she saved me from my failed business, and she decided to take the next step in our future. We were engaged and at first, it felt great, the cracks were slow but deep. They took form as she planned, the wedding of her dreams, the wedding she deserved after all the failed and horrible marriages she had been through. Looking back at this, I remembered how I wanted to give her everything, but like a coward, when the time came, I pushed her away and resented her finally having something that would make her happy.
Any sane man with my life would never have considered kissing Tina McIntyre, especially on our wedding day. I wanted to hurt the woman I had just called my wife, and this was the perfect way to do so even if she didn't deserve it. Rob, Tracy, and the whole street were the people making me feel that what I was, all Carla was doing was trying to build me up. In typical Peter Barlow fashion, I blamed Carla, I blamed the woman making my life worthwhile.
"I'm pregnant."
That sentence changed my life, why couldn't I admit what I was doing was wrong when I imagined what it would do to Carla? Why did it take her to be pregnant for me to realise what I was doing was wrong? Why could I not just be a good husband, the person Carla Connor, no Carla Barlow deserved. Just like on my wedding night, I gave into temptation once again and fell off my wagon to drink myself out of the immense guilt I was harbouring. I drunk and drunk until I no longer felt the resentment, which was a mission all within itself, I missed seeing my baby, I hurt Carla. What did she do after I hurt her so deeply, she tried to fix me again, she loved me, she wanted me to be better and I still couldn't do that. Even when I got out of rehab for the hundredth time and knew the cause of my drinking was the affair, I still never gave it up and continued to hurt my wife. I was mad at the idea of her moving our life forward again, I felt out of control at the mere thought of us moving into a house together. Looking back on it now, I regret all of my actions as moving into a house with our baby and Simon being able to stop is a dream now.
Tina wanted to pull us apart and I made it so easy, I told her I would run away with her out of anger at Carla, but I never meant it. Of course, she didn't know that and I had to do the thing I never wanted to do again let alone be the reason for it, I broke her heart and watched it shatter as I spoke. The next thing I knew was Tina was dead, I was drunk, and Carla was losing our baby and I couldn't comfort her, I wasn't allowed. She wanted me nowhere near her, she flinched at my touch, just as she had after her rape and I couldn't deal with it anymore. Prison was nothing when I thought about how I destroyed the woman I vowed I loved; it was what I deserved even though I didn't kill my mistress. I was too wrapped up in my own misery, convincing myself that Carla would take me back that I never considered the idea that she wouldn't want to be a family with me again. I mean how did I expect her to move past this so quickly.
"Not if I see you first."
Leaving Weatherfield was the hardest decision of my life but it was a needed journey to fix me, to be the man I needed to be for my son and to become the man that I was supposed to have been when I was married. Hearing that she was with Nick and marrying him quickly, hurt more than when I received the divorce papers. My brain was telling me it was the karma I deserved, another of my ex-wife's falling for Nick Tilsley. When Simon told me, I held it together on the phone and bawled my eyes out once the conversation was done. The only thing that lifted my mood, even if only slightly was that at least she was happy, he made her happy. Toyah was the woman that knew of my past and still wanted to be with me as she could see I had changed. One thing Carla had made me see after that failure of a relationship was that neither of us was truly in love, we were just clinging onto each other in hopes of having a family and being happy.
When Carla moved back to the street, I resented her, scared I was going to fall back to who I once was, but she was different, so was I. We had grown and she had moved on from our past, giving me hope that life was going to be ok and a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Toya was less than thrilled at her reappearance with Leanne whispering in her ear, but I was glad that Carla was now someone I could consider a friend. Finding out Suzie wasn't mine but rather she was Aiden's baby, it felt fitting to lean on my friend and his sister, to tell the truth. I knew there was more to the feelings I felt towards Carla as I remembered the anger towards her for sleeping with Daniel and the sleep I failed to get, filled with worry when her kidney problems became public. Deep down, I knew she was using me for information on Suzie to help her family, but I was more than happy to help as I knew it was one step closer to fixing what I had broken. She drank with me, comforted me, and most importantly made me feel like me all over again, she was the only one to do this to me not only once but every time I was low.
Running the factory with her was a terrible idea as we may have worked well together but I think it reminded us both of what I was doing last time. She was doing everything to show me that she hadn't forgotten, and I was hating being bossed around all over again. Johnny telling me she loved me was a punch to the gut as I wanted to hope and believe him, but I thought she was messing with me to hurt me as I had hurt her. I felt horrible for selling her to Nick and forcing her to work with another ex-husband, at that point though, I didn't care. Our friendship slowly came together, and I finally got her to admit that she loved me. We were never friends, she loved me the first time, and this friendship, I loved her way too much. She was right, we were in a car crash, and I didn't know how to tell her that I will happily die in a car crash if I go to be with her. The game of snooker, the boat, the banter was the easiest part of our story and for some reason I chose to leave again, not being able to find my place.
Carla confessing her love before I left was like a dream come true and I didn't wasn't to accept it. She loved me. I chased after her at the right time as once again her life fell apart and the roles of our relationship switched yet again, she needed me. She fell apart worse than I ever thought was possible, I never saw the paranoia, I ignored the signs, I hoped things would get better, and instead, she disappeared. The disappearance pushed me over the edge again as I tried to heal, I fell off the wagon once again and needed help that she was no longer able to give. Roy appearing one day and picking me up now that she was found was the biggest relief I had ever felt, she was home, I could look after her. In fact, I was the only person who was allowed to look after her, and I couldn't help but feel like I had failed again when she was clinging on to me on the fire escape after trying to take her own life. My life was never going to feel complete without her in it and if she jumped, I didn't know how I would have survived, she was my world.
After she received the professional help she needed, we were back to us and it had never felt so good. After years of being separated or just being friends, I loved that we were back to being ourselves and back to being in love so openly. I was always going to make mistakes as I knew what it was like to lose her, I didn't want to anymore. The group chat was a terrible idea, controlling her life was even worse, I loved her, and she needed to know that. When she did finally forgive me and we were back to normal, life just felt perfect. We lived every day together, attending weddings, looking after Bertie, watching documentaries with Roy. Life just felt right. Nothing felt more right than right now, being loved and in love with Carla Connor once again, having Simon apart of our life, and happy to be there and to have her in my arms whenever I wanted.
Last night was special as it was like every other night, we watched tv with Roy and ate food that he cooked, living in true domesticity with the man who had become her second father. We moved to her bedroom and laid whispering about pointless things, waiting for Roy's snores so that she didn't feel guilty about what he could hear. As soon as the soft sound echoed through the flat, my lips were on hers and my hands were all over her. I had come round in the evening just before they ate and put my stuff in her room so that the evening was not disturbed. Her clothes were off and mine were close behind as we embraced each other and enjoyed the sensation of being close.
I was filling myself with resentment after reliving our past and the choices I had made. She had always put me first, loved, me, fixed me and all I did was break her heart. Not anymore, right now I was vowing to myself that I would be even better than I currently was, I would not let her see how stupid she was for falling in love with me again. Her family and Roy may have forgiven me for my past after how I helped put her back together. Carla may have forgiven me for everything and finally followed her heart back to being with me and was happy with her choice, but this wasn't about them. I needed to forgive myself and I needed to feel worthy of her.
The movement of her hair on my chest brought me back to the present as I realised the sunlight was a lot stronger and higher in the room, I was laying in. Carla groaned as her eyes opened and she blinked up at me, sensing that I had been awake for a while. Her groggy voice spoke first.
"Morning handsome"
"Morning baby, happy valentine's day."
I used the arm that she wasn't lying on, to reach for the contents of my bag that contained a bouquet of flowers I had picked up last night.
"These are for you."
As she sat up, accepting the gift, and smiling widely at me, I felt like the best version of myself. I will never do anything to lose this feeling. I will never lose her again because I didn't know how to live without her, it wasn't worth anything without her. Even if I didn't know it I have always and will always love Carla Connor.
