Hello, everyone! Happy New Year to us all! Here's to hoping anyway.

I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter - sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. Hope you'll enjoy it at least a bit.

Thanks for reading :)


I sighed in relief. Alice frowned at my reaction.

"I know you're… not happy and all, but are you actually suicidal?"

I choked a laugh, wondering what she would say if she knew half of the things I'd done while they were away – I entertained the thought of telling her, but I knew it wasn't the time or place.

"I'm sorry, Alice. It's just… it's old news to me," I told her with a wince.

Suddenly the black sedan screeched its tires and we stopped besides the road. I looked at Alice quizzically, but her outraged face stopped me from asking her questions.

"You knew?"

I winced.

"Uh, yeah. Laurent told me she was coming after me."

"Laurent was here?!"

I sighed. She was very angry, and I think she had reasons to: I should've told her as soon as they arrived so they wouldn't put themselves in risk again.

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you tonight," I explained. This much, at least, was true.

"You should've told us the moment you saw us, Bella. Oh, God, he's gonna freak out," she muttered. "Completely freak out."

"Well, you've been here for a couple of days. Guess it won't be that bad when you leave again," I muttered. Although my voice was firm, the hole dug deeper with the words. Alice frowned.

"Leave?"

"Uh, yeah. It's not safe for you guys. So… leave."

"Do you honestly believe Edward would leave with Victoria on the loose?" She asked. I shrugged.

"Things are completely different now. He'd feel guilty, sure, but that's it. So maybe he would? I'm alive, aren't I? And she's been on the loose for months now."

Alice was still looking at me with a shocked expression.

"We'll get back to 'things are completely different now', but yeah. You've been lucky so far."

I snorted.

"Lucky those idiots got to me in time," I mumbled.

"What idiots?" She clearly was alarmed.

"Oh," now was the time to pass along the message. "Hm, the wolves. They've saved me from Laurent, and they've been keeping me safe from Victoria," I explained.

"You… you know about werewolves?!"

"Uh, yeah. I mean, just after Jake changed, of course. But yeah. I know them."

She took a deep breath.

"You mean your… special friend is a newly turned werewolf?" She asked, trying to maintain herself calm.

"In my defense, he only turned after we became friends," I murmured, but I was sure she had heard me.

"This isn't better, Bella, it's worse, far worse! Werewolves are unstable, even more when they're new!"

"Jake's not unstable," I argued back. He had never completely lost control near me.

"Bella, please grasp this: werewolves are dangerous."

"Funny, they've said the same thing about vampires," I replied, raising an eyebrow. Alice shook her head.

"And they're right. Vampires are dangerous."

"You're not dangerous," I told her. She only glared at me – I knew she could be dangerous, but it was the same with Jake. I wasn't wrong.

"Wait, you've gone to his house just yesterday?!" Alice asked.

"Yeah, I told you. He's my best friend, Alice. He's been with me these past months. I don't know where I would be if he weren't," I admitted. This might get back to Edward, but… I wasn't lying.

Alice sighed and her shock and anger disappeared. She looked at me worriedly this time.

"This time hasn't done you any good, has it?" She asked, and I felt the tears pricking my eyes.

"What did you expect, Alice?" She bit her lower lip. "Did you really think I'd be happy and skipping tunes?"

"I… I hoped you'd be better than what you are now, that's all," she explained. "Even more with the, uh, talk about your friend."

I shook my head.

"It's… complicated, really. And they all have been protecting me all this time, except…"

"Except what? Bella?" Alice went frantic. I sighed. I had to tell her, anyway. Sam had asked.

"Sam has asked me to inform you that they no longer can protect me in Forks, only in La Push… because of the treaty," I said. Alice nodded.

"Yeah, I imagined so. It's alright, we're dividing ourselves to protect you. Now, please, promise me you won't be having afternoon strolls with young werewolves," she pleaded. I shook my head vehemently.

"No, no, no. I can't… you can't… no, I don't want you to risk yourselves for me again, Alice. It's bad enough the wolves are doing it, I can't have you too… please, don't…"

"You honestly think I'm gonna leave you unprotected? That we are gonna leave you unprotected?"

"Yes, please. Don't get in the middle of it, Alice, please. Honestly, when Victoria realises her revenge is null, she will probably just give up," I said, not sure if I was completely right about it. Alice simply frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Laurent told me she was after me because Edward killed her mate, so she wanted to kill his. She's not aware… that's not… that the situation is different now," I gulped hard, blocking my tears. I already knew Edward didn't want me anymore, but it still hurt too much, "but when she realises it, she'll leave."

Alice's face was hard to read. She stared at me for a long minute, while I looked straight ahead trying to control both my face and the hole – it was burning viciously, and not even Alice's comforting presence could stop it.

Because that was it, I reflected as she started the car again and we drove off. Edward had come back, but he simply wasn't interested in me anymore. The number of times he spoke with me since he came back could be counted in a single hand, and his face always carried that passive expression from last September.

This was too much for the hole to keep quiet.

And yet, I didn't want him to leave, and I didn't want to live somewhere he wasn't. Because even if he didn't love me anymore, my love for him was still there, as strong as ever – still orbiting the destroyed planet. Looking at him from afar knowing how different our feelings were still was better than never seeing him at all.

It was only when Alice signaled her turn that I realised where she was taking me.

"No, please, Alice," I begged her, the tears now falling freely. "I can't… I can't face him. Not… not there. Please."

She looked at me startled. She clearly wasn't expecting this from me, but she changed her path to Forks immediately.

" I need to talk to them about the situation, Bella," she told me quietly.

"Yeah, of course. I just can't go to your house, alright? Not now, anyway."

Alice sighed and frowned.

"I can't leave you at your place alone," she said, a bit irritated.

"Of course you can. I've been alone for a few months, you know," I told her. It had been too long since Edward had spent the night.

"From what you've said, I think the wolves were around," she said, "so not really alone. And as you've told me, they can't come to Forks to protect you anymore."

She glanced at me quickly.

"And…" she hesitated, "I can't see your future after I drop you home."

I trembled and listened more than felt the sharp intake of breath into my lungs.

"What does this mean?!" I whispered, fear breaking my voice. "Oh, God, Charlie." He had always been my greatest worry in Victoria finding me at home.

"It means I'm calling the others," she said, grabbing the silver phone again.

"Alice…"

"No, this is not debatable, Bella. Hi, Jazz. Yeah, I'm going to need you in Bella's house. Who's not hunting? Bring him too," she told Jasper. She went silent and hesitated. "No, don't call him. He'll be pissed enough as it is. Let him and Carlisle and Esme talk. See you soon."

"Alice…" I tried again.

"Edward's hunting with Carlisle and Esme, don't worry. Emmett and Jasper are meeting us."

"Emmett's here?" I had no idea he was here. If he were, then his wife, Rosalie, probably were too; and this was only another reason for me to not go to the big house.

"Yes, all of us are. Now, Bella, please, please don't be difficult about this. Jasper and Emmett will check the perimeter first, and then we'll go inside. I've got a backpack here, and I'll grab some clothes and we'll do a sleepover, ok?"

I nodded. A sleepover with Alice was a good thing. She would know how to calm me down and I still missed her like crazy.

We were almost home when her phone rang.

"Jazz," she answered, then frowned. "No, I haven't… oh. Well, that might be a bit weird, but it's his choice, isn't it? I know that, but… yeah, ok. Keep low until you're seen. No, I can't."

"What's going on?" I asked quickly. Alice sighed.

"Your… friend came over. He's watching the game with Charlie."

"Jacob's at my house?" I asked dumbly.

She only nodded, but in the dim light of the car I could see her pursuing her lips, as if she was very angry at the thought.

"You're not upset because of that… rivalry thing, right?" I asked the only explanation that came to my head.

"I'm worried because he's a young werewolf, and because I've just sent Jasper and Emmett there. Your friend might smell them and lose control, and I'd really rather not break the treaty."

"So you're not coming to our sleepover?"

"I am. Just after he leaves."

"Does it have to be like that?" It was more mumble than question, but she heard me anyway.

"Trust me, you don't want Jacob Black and me in the same room," she barked a laugh. I frowned deeply.

We arrived even faster than I had expected – I had forgotten how fast the Cullens drove when they wanted – and Alice gave me my bags after parking behind Jacob's Rabbit.

"I'll be nearby, don't worry. Jasper and Emmett are seconds away. You don't have to be afraid, ok?"

I nodded silently.

"You really think your father will believe there's nothing wrong with you looking like that?" Alice asked with a frown. I laughed humorlessly.

"I'm looking far better than I was a few months ago. Please don't get yourself in a dangerous situation. Jasper would never forgive me," I murmured. Alice smiled tightly.

"Just go, Bella. Get your friend out since he can't protect you and I'll arrive shortly."

I frowned but left the car. Alice only took off when she saw me closing the front door, but I had to admit having Jasper and Emmett around was reassuring. With a deep breath I went inside. Charlie sat on the chair and Jacob was laying down the couch, mouth hanging open as he took a nap.

"Hey, Dad," I greeted him with a whisper. He looked away from the game for a couple of seconds. "Billy around too?"

"No," he told me. "Jake's come to see you. I think he wanted to have dinner with you or something."

"Oh. I already ate with Alice," I said. Charlie looked at me again, eyeing cautiously.

"So did you have fun?"

"Yeah," I admitted. It had been fun – most parts. "She made me get some new clothes. Guess I was needing a girls night."

Charlie simply nodded as the game ended. With a sigh, he got up and winced.

"I'm going to my room. Listen, Bells… I think Jake's scared you're gonna leave him behind now that… Alice's back. Maybe you should… talk to him?"

It wasn't like him to intrude like this. I raised an eyebrow and Charlie rolled his eyes.

"Billy might've mentioned something of the sort."

"You two gossip too much. I'd say you should wait because Alice's coming for a sleepover, if that's okay. We've got a lot to catch up," I added with a smile. He smiled back at once.

"I'll see her in the morning, then. G'night, Bells."

It wasn't even nine o'clock and Charlie was already upstairs. If I didn't know him better, I would think he was trying to give me space to talk to Jacob. I idly wondered if Jake had told him anything about us kissing.

Thinking about that kiss made me frown. I still wasn't sure what to make of that; with Edward back, I couldn't even think of trying anything romantic with Jacob. I just couldn't. I sighed when I finally admitted it to myself, knowing I would have to tell Jacob this.

But not tonight. Tonight I should get him out before Alice came back.

"Hey, Jake," I said, shaking him lightly. He woke up instantly, eyes wide open.

Then he winced.

"Ugh, you smell so bad," he grumbled with his husky tone. I rolled my eyes.

"What're you doing here? You didn't tell me you were coming over. I would've told not to, because I already had plans," I said. He yawned and looked at his hands, as I took a seat next to him.

"I wanted to see you," he told me quietly, then winced again. "You really smell. Were you like… hugging one of them or something?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

"Are you trying to ask me what I think you are?"

He grinned.

"You're impossible," I groaned. "Yes, I hugged Alice a lot. It was girls night. It'll be continued soon, when she comes over." His grin disappeared.

"She's coming over? Can you really trust her around Charlie?"

I rolled my eyes again.

"She goes to school, Jacob. There are hundreds of kids there. I think she'll manage just fine."

Jacob sighed and threw his arm around me, scooching me closer to him. I sighed too as I laid my head on his warm body.

"I was hoping we could, you know… talk," he admitted.

"I'd say I could come over your place tomorrow, but I really need to do my homework. Thursday?"

"You should come over anyway," he told me. "We can't protect you here, Bella."

"I'll sort something out with Alice, don't worry," I told him. "We've got a sleepover and all," I half-joked, guiltily hiding Jasper and Emmett were outside.

"And the time it takes the Psycho to get here?" He asked, then frowned and then took a deep breath. He looked at me as if I had betrayed him. "They're here?"

I winced.

"What, you're hiding him in your bedroom?" He asked, getting up from the couch and starting to shake. "He's up there waiting for you to make me leave?"

"Of course not, Jake. Calm down," I warned him. He took a deep breath.

"Yeah, calm down. It's just… Bells, they're…"

"Not a word, Jacob. You know the deal–you've always known."

His deep frown didn't diminish a tiny bit.

"Sorry if the thought of my girlfriend surrounded by a bunch of leeches makes me angry," he bit off.

"I'm not your girlfriend, Jake," I reminded him. Was he trying to get me upset?

He rolled his eyes.

"No, don't do that," I said. "We've agreed we'd talk about… what happened…"

"So you're calling us 'what happened'?"

"... but not now."

"You're afraid they'll listen?" He asked me with a cruel smirk on his lips. It hurt because it was true – of course I didn't want Jasper and Emmett knowing about everything. "So he is here?"

"No, he's not. Not that it concerns you," he snorted at this, "but I just want to have this talk somewhere private and with more time, ok? So… Thursday."

He narrowed his eyes at me, but he must have bought my half-lie, because he nodded and uncrossed his arms.

"It's a date," he finished with a grin. I rolled my eyes and started muttering while he laughed and I shoved him out of the house. When we were on the doorway, he stopped and cupped my face with his giant hand. "You're sure they can take care of you? I don't trust them. I could stay behind."

I smiled lightly.

"I'm more than sure, Jake. You've got to rest. I don't want you running even more shifts than Sam's already got you doing because of me," I told him honestly.

"Sure, sure," he agreed with that patronizing tone he used to appease his father. Before I could say anything, he hugged me tightly and landed a kiss on my cheek, turning away so I wouldn't hit his head.

When the Rabbit disappeared from view, I closed the door and sighed as I leaned against it. I would hurt Jacob so much, but it was the right thing to do. He shouldn't be with someone whose heart belonged to another person.

A few seconds had passed before I heard the door knocking. I opened it instantly, waiting for Alice, but I was greeted by another member of the Cullen family.

"Shouldn't you be locking doors instead of opening them like this?" Jasper asked, but his smile wasn't all that big. Perhaps he was worried about the danger I would be putting Alice under.

"I don't think Victoria would knock politely, you know," I replied and Emmett laughed. When I looked at him, I smiled automatically.

"So… you got tired of breaking your limbs so now you go around breaking hearts, huh, little sister?" He asked with a huge grin. I felt my face blushing – I was actually blushing again. Emmett laughed again, but Jasper elbowed him.

"I'm sorry you've got to… you know. Do it again," I told them both truthfully. I hated when people risked themselves for me – even if they weren't 'people' but vampires and wolves.

"You're kidding, right?" Emmett replied. "Jasper tries to take a bite at you and in response you gift us this? I'd love to have some fun, since last time someone," he eyed Jasper "ended it too quickly."

"Just shut up, Emm, please," Jasper said. I tried to hide the pain his words brought me, but Jasper could feel it anyway. Instantly, I felt a wave of comfort and I smiled at him in thanks; it would make no difference when I slept, however. "I'm, er, sorry for losing control on your birthday."

I knew he was apologising for more than just endangering me – he was also saying he was sorry for what it had caused, for the pain he had caused me afterwards, the pain he could now feel just as intently.

"It's alright, Jasper. That's life for me. I don't blame you at all, ok?"

He nodded, and another wave of comfort hit me, and I smiled again. I saw Carlisle's car parking right behind my truck and Alice left it quickly. When she neared us, her little nose was scrunched up.

"Oh, God, Bella. Forget the danger, this wet dog smell is awful. You should stop seeing him just because of it."

I rolled my eyes.

"Weirdly enough, I can't smell any of it. Come in, I need to pretend you're sleeping on the couch," I told her with a smile. "You guys want to come in too?"

Emmett and Jasper raised their eyebrows but hesitated, both looking at Alice.

"It's alright, you guys can go home. She'll be fine for the night," Alice said. Jasper was frowning.

"You can see her now?"

"Yeah, it's weird. I can see she'll be fine up until…" her eyes unfocused. "Thursday. What are you doing on Thursday, Bella?"

"Oh, uh…"

"She's got a date with the puppy," Emmett supplied happily.

"It's not a date, Emmett," I retorted angrily, but Alice gasped.

"Oh, my God. I can't see the werewolves. I couldn't see your night because Jacob Black was here, and I can't see past Thursday because you're going to…"

"Hang out!" I said quickly and Emmett managed to chortle a laugh even with Jasper's frown and Alice's revelation.

"It makes sense," Jasper agreed. "You couldn't see those glimpses after January. I assume that's when you became friends with Jacob?"

I nodded, reminding of that ridiculous trip to their house and the hole digging deep inside. Jasper must have felt my despair, because another comforting wave hit me.

"That… sucks," Emmett said. "I wanted to know what's happening on that date."

I glared at him, but he only smirked and winked at me.

"It sucks because we can't see our enemy," Jasper said. "It's dangerous."

"Enemy? The wolves aren't your enemies," I cried out. Jasper made a face at me, but I got the message. Yup. Werewolves and vampires were still hating each other.

"And you should probably not say it's a date when you're telling… everyone tomorrow," Alice warned Emmett. "If you'd like to keep your arms, I mean."

Emmett laughed.

"He wouldn't," he scoffed. Alice raised her eyebrows, and Emmett stopped smiling. "Would he?"

"Jasper, please record it for me," Alice said with a smile. Emmett groaned. "You both can go. Oh, and it'd be better if you told him in the forest. I like the new table."

Emmett nodded and left. Jasper and Alice looked at each other intently, and I turned around, feeling the hole pounding and burning. I had that. Not anymore. Now I only had hurt and hopelessness, and looking at him from afar.

The door closed quietly and the Mercedes purred away as I grabbed sheets and pillows upstairs. Charlie appeared, probably to make sure it was Alice arriving – I wasn't one for sneaking out, and for the past months, I hadn't had the desire to do so.

"Talk to her," he reminded me. I just nodded and went down quickly, to find Alice on the couch, eyes unfocused.

I waited until she returned to the present. When she did, she had a frown on her face.

"Something wrong?" I asked while I prepared the sofa to sleep.

"Just, uh, gauging reactions to our current situation. I really don't like this blindness," she muttered.

"What do you mean 'gauging reactions'? And what current situation?"

Alice looked at me as if I was asking obvious questions.

"How do you think my brother will receive the news of Victoria, Bella? I'm trying to see the best way to tell him."

I let her try and understand the future while we sat on my couch, the television still on. I looked at it without really seeing it, thinking about being hunted by crazy vampires and people I loved risking themselves because of it.

At some point Alice sighed and pulled me closer, holding me in her stone, cold arms.

"I didn't know you liked sports now," she pointed out.

"I don't."

"Then why are you watching Sportscenter instead of one of the classics you love?" She asked with a teasing smile. I only shrugged.

"I'm not really a fan of movies nowadays," I explained and her face fell.

"Like… no movies?"

"Uh, I mean… no romantic movies. Action ones are cool."

Alice looked at me suspiciously.

"Are you ever gonna tell me what's really happened to you all this time?" She asked. I gave her a weak smile.

"I don't think I will, Alice. I know someone who would feel guilty about it, even though they shouldn't."

Alice narrowed her eyes.

"I'm not sure they shouldn't, but it's not my place to say anything," she said and I sighed. Her presence, her cold arms… if I closed my eyes… "What did Charlie want you to talk to me about?"

I hesitated.

"He just worries about Jake. He worries I'll stop hanging with Jake, and that Jake'll be… sad, let's put it this way. He's a family friend, too, Alice," it sounded as if I was pleading with her. Alice pursed her lips, but kept holding me.

"I can't say I approve of this… relationship with a wolf," she said, "but I'm not gonna make you stop seeing him. As much as it worries me, because I can't even see if you'll come back alive. Now, don't take this personally, but you should go upstairs. You look like you haven't slept well in days."

I snorted.

"Try in months," I said. "Come on, I need you to help me keep these right," I asked, pointing to the shopping bags and pretending the frown lines weren't there.


"Alice, may I have a word with you, please?"

I hadn't even gotten out of my truck yet, but his velvety, furious voice reached me perfectly. His gaze was directed to Alice, who threw him a glance and came to my side. It didn't seem to appease him at all.

I had had one of the best sleeps of the past months. Alice had stayed with me, holding me in her arms until I was out. It was enough to keep me from the nightmares about him because of how much it reminded me of other nights.

"Of course, brother. Out with it," she said, looking at him. Having spent so much time with them told me they were having one of their private conversations as the seconds passed and they glared at each other – well, Edward glared at Alice while she simply stared back.

I sighed heavily and started to make my way to class; I knew it could take a while. I hadn't taken three steps before I was flanked by both of them. I hadn't been this close to him since last September, and my heart started to gallop in my chest. I wasn't ready for that. Why wasn't he keeping away from me like he had done these past couple of days?

I wish I could say I acted like nothing was happening, but I know my face wasn't as neutral as I'd wanted it to be. People at school might ignore it – who wouldn't be awkward walking besides their ex-boyfriend? – but I knew he would know.

I mean, if he bothered to look at me.

Not that I wanted him to look, I just…

I really wanted him to acknowledge my presence, at least.

He seemed to be very upset at Alice. Maybe because she was imposing my presence on him again? Or perhaps he had already learned about Victoria and was pissed Alice got her and their brothers in danger? It was a good point.

Well, as soon as Victoria learned I wasn't it for Edward anymore, she would stop, because killing me as a revenge wouldn't be the same. She would just…

I managed to stifle my gasp, but I knew they both noticed me stiffening.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Alice asked worriedly, turning me into her direction.

"Nothing, I, uh… I think I forgot my algebra book," I tried to lie. I knew she didn't believe a bit, but she wasn't going to start questioning me right in the middle of the corridor.

"I'm pretty sure I saw you packing it today," she said, eyes narrowing and then throwing a glance at Edward and a sardonic smile. "You know, before we left from our sleepover."

This time he tensed, then let out a sigh.

"Oh," I muttered dumbly. "Good, then. I'll just head off to class so you guys can, you know… talk."

"There's no need for that," Alice said happily, lacing our arms together. "Unless someone's got a problem with us being friends and having sleepovers…"

I looked at Edward quietly, and his jaw was clenched, but he glared at Alice. When he glanced at me, it was the same ice-cold stare from the forest when he left me, and I looked away instantly.

This wasn't a look I could take.

The thing was: whenever I was around him, I almost forgot I had a hole. I felt complete. Just by his presence. But when he would look at me like that, it just started burning again – nothing compared with what I felt when I was home alone, thinking about him – but it existed again.

"Of course I have got no problem with that, if that's what you both want," he said slowly. I kept staring straight ahead.

"Yeah, that's what we want," Alice answered for me, "she's all about friends, did you know that? She's even made some since we went away. I don't think she would mind being your friend."

"Alice, please," I asked her with a whisper. Edward was glaring daggers at his sister, and I absolutely didn't want to get them fighting.

"C'mon. With all the studying you've been doing, I'll bet you're acing this class," she said and pulled me to algebra.

The class was chatting away while I pulled my algebra book and pretended to skim through the pages. Alice was probably finishing her silence conversation with Edward while I considered my revelation earlier this morning.

If Victoria found out Edward didn't love me anymore, she would have to change her revenge. She could either change to another person he loved – and I felt my pulse quicken with the possibility of her hurting any of the Cullens – or to him.

The first possibility was terrible. It would be devastating to have any of them hurt because of me. But I couldn't live with the second one. Edward still existing was what got me through. I honestly didn't know my reaction to Victoria getting close to him.

So I had to hope – really hope – she would be stopped before getting close to him. Maybe the wolves had been enough to scare her away. They had managed to get Laurent, after all. They could get Victoria.

The fact they still hadn't wasn't a good omen, of course. But it was still worth hoping – being the stupid, weak human on all of this, hoping was all I could do.

If I were a vamp–something else, I definitely would hunt Victoria down before she tried anything with Edward. Or before she hurt any of the Cullens, or Jacob.

The hole throbbed with the forbidden desire.

I couldn't save Edward like this, for sure. But if she managed to find me first, before knowing killing me would mean nothing for him and changing her tracks… then she would end this revenge.

I could tell Alice I was going to see Jacob, and tell Jacob I had plans with Alice… and actually just end up in the middle of the forest, waiting until she found me.

"What are you doing?" Alice asked me in a hushed whisper. I looked at her startled; I'd forgotten she might see it. Behind her I could see Edward looking down, a pencil turned to dust on his hands, but couldn't make out his face.

"I… nothing," I replied quickly. She made a face to my obvious lie.

"Then why do I see you alone in the middle of the woods?"

I shrugged.

"I've started hiking lately," this wasn't a lie. I had begun hiking – until I ran into Laurent, that is. She didn't need to know that, of course.

The bell rang just then, and I tried to escape Alice's inquiries, but obviously she stopped me.

"Mind if I join you in your small hike?" She asked, lacing her arm through mine. I hesitated.

"I wouldn't mind, but I'm inviting Jacob, so…" it was a good lie because it set my plan on motion.

"Weird…" she mused, "I can still see you in the woods. Alone."

Her eyes told me she wasn't falling for my trick.

"Maybe you should let Charlie in on this trip," Alice suggested innocently.

I sighed. Charlie. I wondered briefly what he would think if the next body they found were mine, after I told him about wolves and he warned me off the forests.

"I don't need to see the future to know that if anything were to happen to you would destroy your father, you know?" Alice whispered.

I knew.


"Bella! Finally!"

Jacob's excitement was clear, and not only because of the tight hug he gave me. He grinned widely and grabbed my hand, dragging me inside his garage.

"So, what d'you wanna do today?" He asked while I opened the Rabbit door to sit down. It felt like ages when this place was a little sanctuary where I could run from pain for a while without succumbing to numbness.

"Hm, bikes? We haven't ridden them for so long I'm not sure I still can…" I suggested. Jacob rolled his eyes and offered me his hand to get up.

"I'm sure you're familiar with the saying 'it's like riding a bike', right?"

I laughed at him and he took the bikes out of the garage.

"Where to?" He asked as he started his bike.

"You live here, not me," I replied. He grinned.

"Follow me, then."

The 'if you can' was implicit in his voice, and I grinned at his challenge. That was the friendship with Jacob I had been missing. Just doing stupid stuff, like following him God only knew how fast.

I remembered idly why I had started with the bikes, and wondered how he would feel if he knew what I was up to. He would probably be upset I was breaking my promise to not do anything dangerous, but he had broken his way before that.

If my life were to happen as if he had never existed, it would be a sad, pathetic thing – more than it was now.

I should probably be paying more attention to the road – being Forks, it was, of course, wet, and being me, well… let's just say it wasn't actually surprising that after a shifty break my head collided with the road when I fell off the bike.

It was unexpected to hear the buzzing in my ears, and the confusion wasn't that great either. It was only when I noticed Jacob very close to me, his voice a bit desperate that I understood what had happened.

"Bella," Jacob called frantically. I blinked twice and managed to focus his face.

"Ow," I croaked weakly. He sighed in clear relief.

"Are you okay?" He asked, running a hand all over my head.

"Sure, I'm fine," I replied, wincing as his hands found a gash near my hairline.

"Not so fine," he muttered, closing his eyes. "Is Charlie on duty?"

"Of course, it's the middle of the afternoon. Why?" Jacob was frowning deeply.

"Because you need to get stitched and I'd rather not face Dr. Fangs," he explained calmly. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm fine, I can drive there myself," I grumbled while standing up – or trying to, at least. Jacob's hand on my waist kept me from falling again.

"Yeah, you're just dandy," he said sarcastically. "Ok, I think he's the least probable to attack, and I can stay calm. Gimme your shirt."

"What? Why?"

He didn't answer; instead, Jacob ripped a piece of my flannel shirt, showing a patch of my t-shirt underneath. He used the ripped piece to press against the still bleeding gash on my forehead.

"Can you hold it? I'm leaving your bike here and I'll come back for it later."

I probably shouldn't drive with my balance so off, so I just nodded and got up behind Jacob. He drove the bike so much better than me – but he did almost everything better than me, so it shouldn't be a surprise.

He hid his bike in his garage and went inside for a clean shirt for me to use, and grabbed the keys to my truck. I didn't even try to complain – I wasn't really feeling my best.

"Just don't fall asleep on me, okay?" Jacob asked, and I could notice the worry in his hoarse voice.

I didn't fall asleep, and he made my truck protest loudly as he raced me to Forks Community Hospital. He parked on the first spot he saw and dragged me along, carrying my backpack.

"Any chance Charlie won't know it was on a bike?" I asked Jacob as we neared the ER.

"That's what's worrying you right now?"

"The hospital part is a bit old for me," I replied nonchalantly and he snorted.

"Yeah, you're already not right on the head, so…"

I made a face, but I didn't disagree. It was good he was aware I was not balanced. It would just make it easier to forget about me.

When we entered, a nurse came quickly to know what had happened.

"Uh, she fell?" Jacob said tentatively. The nurse narrowed her eyes.

"How high, sir?" The nurse asked.

"How high would you say she's while on a bike?"

The nurse pursed her lips.

"Was the bike moving, sir?"

"Aren't we all moving as the Earth revolves around the Sun?"

The nurse took a deep breath and grabbed the phone.

"Yes, Dr. Cullen. We've got a head trauma. Motorbike. No helmets. Will do."

What she did do was scold Jacob for moving me from the scene and not calling an ambulance. Then she turned to me for not wearing a helmet while she helped me get on a cot.

"Should've thought of the helmet myself," Jacob mumbled, dejected, when the nurse left. I had no time to respond because we no longer were alone – the doctor that seemed to belong more in a TV show than in this sad ER appeared just then.

"Bella," Carlisle acknowledged me. I knew he wouldn't be surprised after I stepped on the hospital. He was far too familiar with my smell to not recognize me. "And you must be Jacob?"

Jacob looked surprised to be known, but he also looked a bit pleased – him being known by one of the Cullens probably got him wondering how much I had told them.

"Yes," he bit off. His hand was shaking a bit, and Carlisle looked at it before smiling.

"Nice to meet you," Carlisle said, turning to me. "I didn't know you liked motorbikes, Bella," he said while taking the shirt off my face.

"It's recent," I mumbled.

"Open your eyes, look at me," Carlisle asked using his little lantern. "Were you unconscious at all? Threw up? Can you remember everything?"

"I'm fine," I said in a grumble. Jacob snorted.

"She fainted for a couple of minutes," Jacob added. Carlisle looked over his shoulder and nodded.

"Well, then I think you're gonna need a CT scan, just to be sure," he concluded with a smile. "Then I can stitch your forehead. You only hit your head?"

Although I answered positively, he still listened to my chest with a stethoscope and examined my abdomen.

"Just the head CT, then," he finished. "I'll see you in a bit."

Jacob only left my side when they made him wait for the actual CT scan. It was very fast, and I was sure it was completely unnecessary – now I really felt fine. But they wouldn't let me out of the cot, and I couldn't eat anything. Jacob made sure I didn't fall asleep, even if I wasn't the least tired.

After almost half an hour since I was wheeled off to the CT, Carlisle appeared again, a bigger smile on his face.

"Everything's fine," he told us.

"I knew it," I muttered. Carlisle chuckled.

"I'll get the suture material. I'll be sure to make it look good," he promised me.

I wasn't worried about that – I knew first-hand how good he was. I was already thinking about Charlie.

"How long since I fell in your garage?" I asked Jacob and he chuckled.

"You used that last time. Time to find a new one. Maybe hiking?"

"Ugh, no, he's forbidden me hiking since… well…"

Jacob nodded in understanding, but was prevented from talking by Carlisle's arrival.

"Jacob, if you could wait on the other side and take her bag," Carlisle asked.

Jake nodded and did as was asked. His hands were still shaking and he had a frown, so I took his hand. It stilled immediately. If Carlisle noticed it, he didn't mention.

"Alice told you about your slumber party," he said, still grinning, "she said you had a lot of fun."

"Yeah, it was very nice," I replied. "I missed her like crazy. Guess I'm glad LA didn't work out after all."

Carlisle had an amused face, but it fell away suddenly. I felt Jake's hand stiffen a bit, but I reckoned it was because of my casual mention of them leaving.

I was wrong.

The curtain opened again and nothing could have prepared me for Edward being outside.

"Oh," I said dumbly. His eyes were distressed, wild – it matched his hair. His shirt was crumbled, and if I didn't know better, I'd say he had run here. He looked at me intensely, then to Carlisle stitching me up, and finally to my hand on Jacob's.

I pulled it free quickly.

"Oh, son," Carlisle said calmly. "This is a surprise."

Tell me about it.

"Esme asked me to bring you a document about the house," Edward said. For someone who knew him less than I did, his voice was normal.

But I knew something was distressing him. Was it Victoria? Had she endangered one of them? Was that why he was running?

"Oh, thank you. I'm just finishing here with Bella, I'll be with you soon. Just wait for me at the entrance of the ER, please."

Edward was still looking at me.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly. I nodded, dumbstruck.

"I, er, fell," I said stupidly. He narrowed his eyes. Of course he already knew what had happened.

"And next time you'll fall with a helmet," Carlisle said with a chuckle. "Please, for your father's sake."

I nodded again, still watching Edward. Suddenly his face went from worried to painful, and I looked around to see if something was happening. A quiet snort came from Jacob, and I glared at him.

"Cut it out," I scolded him. I didn't have to worry about being quiet; both Edward and Carlisle would have heard me anyway.

"I'm done," Carlisle said, ignoring his son's pained expression and Jacob's smug smile. "You already know the drill, but I'll remember you anyway: leave the dressing on and dry for 24 hours, then you can wash the wound normally. I'll give you some meds for pain. You need to take the stitches off in a week, but if you don't want to come to the hospital, just say the word to Alice and I'll be happy to have you over. Esme's been dying to see you."

I smiled back, but I wasn't sure I didn't prefer the hospital this time.

"Tell your father to pay close attention to you. If you feel drowsy, throw up or faint again, come back right away. If you've got any questions, you've got my number. Please, wear a helmet next time. And get well soon."

He got up and collected a few of the material he had used, threw it on a special garbage and smiled at me again.

"Edward," he said quietly.

Edward hadn't moved; he was staring at the spot where my hand had been holding Jacob's and I could only remember that weak echo of his voice saying something about holding hands while getting a stitch.

The hole burned viciously and my pulse quickened. Just then his eyes drifted to mine, and I was locked in the golden. His stare would detain my attention no matter what. I felt a stammering on my chest, where the hole was supposed to be – but it was only my heart speeding away.

It was weird to feel like I had a heart again – it felt like Edward had been holding it with himself ever since he left, and his presence returned it back to me.

He opened his mouth but no sound came. He closed his eyes and frowned.

"Are you okay, Edward?" It felt amazing to be talking to him again. He opened his eyes and nodded.

"Yes. Are you?" He asked again. His velvet voice was wonderful. It was a crime I hadn't listened to it in so long, and I knew all of my hallucinations – as poor as they were – had been worthy, and I'd do everything again after he left.

"Fine," I replied, attempting to smile but grimacing instead. As if on cue, Carlisle appeared to give me a prescription and left after staring at Edward.

"I didn't know you could ride a motorbike," he said casually, cooly. I shrugged.

"It's new," I answered him. My casualness wasn't even close to his, but I was proud my voice was firm at least.

"There're a lot of things you don't know," Jacob barked. Edward only nodded but I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up, Jacob," I bit back.

"I see…" Edward moved his hands for the first time since he had entered my curtains. He was so… distracted that he had forgotten to act human. "I'll get to Carlisle. Feel better soon, Bella."

Was it so wrong that my heart soared when I heard him saying my name again? Was I imagining the way his voice had purred it, like he was trying to hide some emotion?

When we were alone again, Jacob snorted, but said nothing further. I imagined he was aware Edward and Carlisle could still listen to him and chose not to say anything until we were out of earshot.

"That was… sad," he finally blurted out. I turned to him, frowning. Jacob had been driving for almost ten minutes.

"What exactly?"

"You," he said. His face was mimicking Sam's – the expression I hated.

"Thank you," I replied sarcastically.

"I'm serious. He only had to look at you and you were all…" he didn't finish. He didn't have to finish. I knew what he meant, and it was all true. "He's left you, Bells. He's hurt you more than anyone."

I stared out the window so he wouldn't see my silent tear sliding down my face. He was being cruel, but only because the truth hurt so much. And I didn't need to be reminded of that.

"I'm not saying you should just cut them all out of your life… well, maybe you should, considering they're vampires… but you should at least try to give him the cold turkey."

"You think I haven't tried?" I couldn't hold back.

"Have you, tho?" Jacob asked with a sigh. "You just… avoid things, Bella. Avoiding stuff isn't the same as getting over it. Have you tried to get over him?"

I didn't answer because he didn't need me to speak to know the answer.

"You haven't even given us a real shot," Jacob muttered. I looked at him again, and Sam's face was gone; he looked like himself – the frown to hide the pain was all his.

"It's not fair to you, Jacob. Would you really want to be with me knowing how broken I am? Knowing that I still love him, and that I probably will forever?"

"Maybe I do. You don't know that. You keep saying you're broken, but I think you're just using it to reject me. I'm your best friend, Bella."

I shook my head. Was it time to tell him my real motivation when I took him that bike?

"He'll just leave in a couple years, and you'll be as heartbroken as before."

He wasn't wrong.

"I know that," I whispered, holding my legs up. He hit the driving wheel exasperatedly.

"Then why don't you try now? Why don't you give us a shot, Bella?"

Because there would never be an 'us' while Edward was around. I could never be a part of an 'us' with him so close by. It made no sense, but how could I even attempt to date anyone with the one person I loved with my everything right there?

Jacob parked in front of my house and I unbuckled my seatbelt still not answering him.

"How are you getting home?" I asked instead. He sighed, noticing my evasion.

"Do you even care?" He asked bitterly.

I felt a lump on my throat.

"Of course I care. I care about you, Jake. You are my best friend. You know that."

He sighed again and pulled me to a hug.

"Okay. I'll call one of the boys to pick me up or Charlie will get suspicious."

"Take the truck," I offered him. "I'll ask Charlie to take me to school tomorrow."

Charlie believed about me falling while walking on the beach with Jacob, but he was worried nonetheless. I could see he was wondering if he should call Carlisle himself, but my face convinced him not to.

I ate the sandwich he had made while he and Jacob talked about the truck and went straight to my room. I didn't want to be around anyone anymore, and I think Charlie noticed it in my eyes, because he only said 'goodnight'.

It was only when I was falling asleep that I realized Edward hadn't seemed bothered at all by my blood on the ER.


(EPOV)

Thinking clearly and without the fear of tragedy on my mind, I completely regretted my rash reaction.

Carlisle had texted Alice to gauge my reaction to the news that Bella had been hurt – he just wasn't aware I was with Alice and as soon as she read the message, I saw it too.

I didn't even ponder; I simply got up and started running as fast as I could – of course, another stupid decision because I had no explanation to how I had gotten on the hospital. Based on Carlisle's message, Bella was undergoing a CT scan to assess the possibility of brain injury. She had suffered head trauma after a motorbike accident. No helmets.

Bella on a motorbike was an absolutely frightening idea. She was already in high risk of hurting herself by simply standing; the possible damage of her on a motorbike of all things was overwhelming.

Was that what I had left behind? I thought I was leaving Bella safer. She had promised me not to do reckless things, and now she's fallen from a motorbike.

But then again, I, too, had broken my promise. I had come back for her.

I had tried to stay away, but I wasn't strong enough. I was selfish, and I caved. I needed to see her. I needed to know Bella was fine.

In the beginning, remembering what I had forced her to go through – from the very first day in the classroom when I hadn't killed her to the day she was almost murdered on my home at her birthday – was enough to make me pursue this tiresome journey. But just barely.

Just a few days after I left I managed to keep her out of my mind for some minutes, distracting myself with frivolous things that didn't last. Ast the time wore on, I couldn't go a second without thinking about her anymore. I fed less and less, I avoided my family completely—I avoided any sort of company. I tried to put her out of my mind, but I failed quite spectacularly. The last days were torturous, and my selfishness won.

I crawled back to Bella.

I had planned to beg her into accepting me back. I would do anything she asked of me if I could be in her life again – never bad mouth her truck again, always let her drive, cook for her. Whichever she either wanted or needed.

Alice's lack of clear vision on her had made me unsure. Had she truly moved on? Was her strange and unique exception to me now expanding and stopping Alice too?

I went directly to her house, but she wasn't there. The house was empty and I found it strange; it was Spring Break, and Alice hadn't seen her planning anything. Still curious and needing to know whatever I could, I headed to the Police Station, hidden by the forest's shadows. Charlie's thoughts, as usual, were hard to decipher, but the gist of them circled around images of Bella and Jacob Black.

I remembered Jacob Black. His mind wasn't a bad place. He had always harbored feelings for Bella, but it wasn't like Mike Newton's fantasies.

And yes, I couldn't quite comprehend Chief Swan's thoughts, but it revolved around Bella and Jacob Black, and it hinted of romance. I hesitated.

Had she found someone better? Someone who wouldn't endanger her life? Was she happy, ready to have the normal, healthy life I had intended? Was my coming back a mistake? I knew it hadn't been the best idea, but was it even worse?

I knew what I should do—the right thing to do—but I couldn't force myself to do it. Not again.

The right thing was to turn back to South America on my ridiculous attempt to chase Victoria—partly for something to do, but mostly because it was something that had been a threat to Bella once.

Even if I were away, my existence was intrinsically knit to her life.

So instead of leaving the town for good, I returned to the woods of the familiar little house.

I stopped on the clearing where I had last seen her, where I had said goodbye and left behind any resemblance of humanity I still possessed—right with the one girl who had brought it to me.

I stayed on the clearing far too long; when I noticed, the noise of Bella's truck hit me. My body trembled in anticipation; after all this time – days, weeks, months –, I was going to see Bella again.

Then I noticed she had company. Jacob Black's thoughts invaded my head.

She wasn't alone.

He kept thinking about Harry Clearwater and his funeral, but his mind deviated to Bella by his side; he looked at her and I saw her hunched form, close to him.

It could easily be in a friendly way, but Jacob's thoughts led me to believe otherwise. As he parked in front of her house, I realized the romantic feelings were more from Jacob than from Bella, so they could be unrequited.

I felt myself hoping for the first time since her failed birthday. The elation that took over my body was stronger than I had ever imagined it would simply because she didn't seem to be dating another person. It was the same feeling that I had experienced when she rejected Mike Newton's invitations so long ago–but now I chastised myself even more for my negative thoughts towards her being with another person. I wanted it to happen. It should happen.

The traitorous hope was smashed into smithereens when I focused on Jacob's mind again.

It couldn't be so unrequited if she was kissing him, could it?

So I started running again–no destination in mind, just trying to put me away from the pain. I had no right to be jealous, and yet the old feeling returned. The lack of control over my emotions, the irrationality of it all, the overwhelming desire to break them apart and shove his head against the nearest tree trunk.

This was good, I tried to remind myself. Jacob Black was human. His mind wasn't vile. He had real feelings for her. Chief Swan approved of him. He would give her a future.

But my selfishness once again triumphed and I felt no happiness for my plan becoming successful.

I wasn't in my best shape, but I heard Alice's mind and her warning she would keep looking for me. With a sigh, I stopped running and waited for her to reach me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, emotionless, when I knew she would be able to hear me.

"The same as you, silly. We're back!" She replied happily.

"What? No. We're not back," I disagreed instantly. Bella had moved on. I had to leave. She was happy. Alice raised an eyebrow.

"Weird. I remember clearly you asking me about Bella and I saw you coming back," she said but I just shook my head. "In that case, you'll be the one to go to Forks Community Hospital and resign for Carlisle. He's just taken up his old job back," Alice informed me. Then she frowned as she eyed me, "please tell me you haven't gone to Bella in this? That's… preposterous. It looks like that's all you've worn since you left."

"It is," I admitted. If I wasn't suited for companionship, why would I worry about changing my clothes?

Alice sighed.

"Come on, Edward. You've suffered enough alone. Let Esme take care of her first child, okay?"

I didn't reply, but I saw on her mind what my leaving right then would do to Esme so I followed her lead. Carlisle and Esme were ecstatic to see me; it had been too long, but I couldn't handle company. Emmett was glad, too. Rosalie ignored me and I ignored her, as we had been doing for a year. Jasper tried to be happy to see me, but his empathetic senses were overwhelmed by my hopelessness; I didn't blame him for keeping some space.

"You shouldn't have come," I mumbled. "I don't intend to stay. I made a mistake by coming here."

To my surprise, the first to disagree with me was Rosalie. I was confused by her snort; she had no warm feelings towards Bella.

"I'm not moving again because of your desires, Edward," she said.

"Not now that the family's back together," she thought.

I wasn't sure if I believed Rosalie's thoughts as a true justification; it wasn't like her to consider other people's feelings.

"I have just committed myself to the hospital again, Edward," Carlisle told me. "I need to stay at least for a bit."

I nodded in understanding.

"I think that all of you are able to maintain your distance from her. I'll be leaving tonight alone, then."

No, please, not again, I heard Esme's thoughts. My resolve weakened; I hated hurting Esme.

"How do you think Bella's going to feel if she sees me at school and you're not there?" Alice asked out loud. It was a bad vision: Bella was happy to see my sister, but her face still hurt.

"Edward, please, stay," Esme asked with her motherly voice. "I miss you, son. We all do. Perhaps being near her will do you some good."

"It's not me I'm worried about," I reminded her.

"It might do you both some good," Carlisle added. "At least try, Edward. We can't have you not being with us while still in high school."

I sighed.

And I stayed.

I stayed as though it was a favor I was doing to my family, as if I were doing it as a part of being a Cullen. I was pretending I wasn't anxious to be near Bella again. Jacob or no Jacob, I needed to listen to her heart and to smell her scent once more – to prove to myself she was real.

Bella seemed absolutely shocked to have seen me in school, but she had no problems with Alice. Perhaps she was trying to maintain her distance because of her new boyfriend? I detested the thought.

But just seeing her there, alive and well, did wonders to me. It was incredible how much I was connected and tied to her, in so many different ways I couldn't even comprehend all of them.

I explained to Alice who this Jacob Black was and she understood immediately why I had been hesitant to stay. It seemed like he believed the old Quileute legends, and I worried (and hoped at the same time) he might try to turn her against us–hadn't it been him to tell her just what we were last year?

Until I learned just what he was.

It was so quintessential Bella that she found the most dangerous creature she could after I left and decided to befriend them. It was almost like she enjoyed the danger of being in monsters' company.

I had had to remind myself time and time again that I had no more right to tell her what was dangerous to her. I had to at least try and leave her alone.

And Alice seemed to be passing along the message just fine, even if not very successfully.

I was handling the situation–not very well, but handling it–until I heard about Victoria.

As if Bella being in such risk wasn't enough, it meant I had been utterly useless on my hunting quest. How could I have been so stupid? Where had I lost her track?

As if having a murderous maniac after Bella wasn't enough, I still managed to be angry about Alice reconnecting so fully with Bella, not letting her ponder if she wanted to mingle with us again that much–and suddenly it was needed again.

Emmett and Jasper reported to me what had transpired in Bella's home–wolves protecting her, Jacob Black's possessiveness, Alice already plotting Bella's protection.

I went from angry to furious.

I could barely contain it while I confronted Alice when she arrived with Bella. She was being rather obnoxious about their sleepover, but she was blocking me from what they had talked. It only got worse when a vision came to her showing Bella alone in a forest.

Showing we would, somehow, fail. Giving me another nightmare that I saw every second of my day.

Once again, I couldn't handle being with my family. I used the time to try to search for Victoria again, keeping on our side of the treaty line and not leaving Forks for long. But there wasn't a fresh trail.

At school, Bella sat with her human friends while Alice joined me at our old table, where I had to endure once again Mike Newton's ridiculous thoughts about Bella–this I hadn't missed; this infuriating, insignificant human being. I couldn't even see Bella's face to read her expressions, and I had to rely on other eyes like his to try and understand her.

In all honesty, it felt like Bella was ignoring me, pretending I wasn't there. It was very different from the way she treated Alice–she was as warm towards my sister as her skin used to be underneath my hands; her voice was as soft as her lips had been against mine; and her feelings for Alice seemed as unchanged as my icy heart.

My anxiousness for Bella's safety and wellness remained similarly untouched, so when I asked Alice what she saw Bella doing this afternoon and her vision was pure darkness, I had to hide my reaction with great effort.

Once again Bella would put herself in danger by choosing to be in the presence of a werewolf.

Alice noticed my discomfort and promised in her mind to talk to Bella about it; Bella only told her to mind her own business and that she would be safe. Alice could only promise to wait for her in her house to protect both her and Charlie.

Alice didn't even need to ask to know I would be joining her in the woods outside the Swan residence.

We were standing against a hidden tree when Carlisle sent the text that had me fleeing to the hospital.

I saw in Carlisle's mind she wasn't alone, but it didn't matter at that point: I could only care about her being safe. I knew when both he and Jacob Black had felt my scent, because they flinched inwardly.

"I'm not sure you should've come, Edward, and not only because she's bleeding," Carlisle warned me calmly.

"What is this stupid bloodsucker doing here? Has Dr. Fangs spilled the beans already?" This less polite surely belonged to Jacob Black.

I knew they were somewhat involved, but nothing prepared me for seeing Carlisle stitching Bella's forehead while she held Jacob's hand.

Her little "oh" told me how unexpected I had been, along with the quickness to free her hand.

Although out loud he was perfectly polite, Carlisle berated me for coming. Not only because of Bella and Jacob, but also because I was invading his ER.

"I know you've graduated twice, Edward, but no one else does," he said. I made up a lie about some documents while I tried to keep myself detached; it was very hard to control my voice when the image of another man holding Bella's hand – doing precisely what I longed to do.

Carlisle asked for me to wait on the entrance of the ER, but I couldn't move; the deep chocolate eyes that had caught me so long ago were helding mine, the magnetism once again so strong it took all of my willpower to not get on my knees and cradle her in my arms.

It was stronger, I realised, than my own thirst for her blood. I could smell it, but the compulsion to be near her, to make sure she was safe, was stronger than even that.

It wasn't 'mind over matter' anymore; both parts were in agreement that only one thing was relevant now: Bella.

"Are you alright?" I had to ask. She didn't seem to be in pain, but she was… confused? Startled? Surprised? It had been so long since I felt the need to read her expressions and not be able to just question her about it.

"I, er, fell."

Her lie was so obvious that even I didn't know her as I did – even if I hadn't already known about the accident – I wouldn't have believed her.

Carlisle reprimanded her about wearing a helmet (she was riding a motorcycle without a helmet), and I entered Jacob's mind to try and see it for myself – perhaps he was remembering the accident.

But I soon regretted it; he had a very detailed memory, but it wasn't today's afternoon he was thinking about. It was more painful than I imagined it would be, considering I had seen them kissing before.

Bella was still watching my face when this particular image reached me, and I was so intent in remaining where I was that I couldn't school my face into indifference. My pain must have shown, because she turned around and ordered him to stop.

Which, of course, he didn't.

And it worried me. I had to force myself to be happy for Bella. She had found someone, as I had intended her to. He wasn't completely human, no, but he was able to give her so many things I would never manage: a chance of a family, a future together, her soul remaining pure.

My need to be near her was strong, but I didn't think I was strong enough to watch her get married and move on. I would probably need to leave. Not at once, no. At least until we graduated, to make sure Jacob was good enough for her.

Well, no one would ever be good enough for her, but at least passable.

The major problem, of course, was him being a werewolf.

So I would stay, I decided on that tight space, curtains around me and Carlisle mentally warning me off: I would stay for now (both for hers and my family's sake) and befriend Bella, just to make sure she was fine with Jacob. Then I would hunt Victoria.

The rest of the future was too painful to plan ahead, so I remained in the present: Carlisle instructing Bella about her cares with the wound and inviting her over; he wasn't lying, Esme really missed Bella.

But her tight smile said clearly it would take a very long time before she stepped foot on our home again, and nobody could blame her: last time she had gone there, she ended up being thrown onto a pile of plates.

I had thrown her onto a pile of plates.

Back then, I had had to leave the room. My thirst for her blood dominated me so strongly that I couldn't even hold her hand while Carlisle stitched her – not like Jacob just had done.

"Edward," Carlisle said. How remarkable. It's like her blood isn't even making him uncomfortable. Wonder when that happened… last time…

Like me, he was comparing today with her last birthday, but his thoughts were more hopeful than mine, as usual.

Then her pulse quickened. Oh, I had missed this. How the little sounds of her body – her pulse speeding, her heart hammering, her casual breathes – reminded me she was very much alive and well; how they made my existence have a meaning.

It was all her.

I looked at Bella again, perhaps expecting a blush, or the flash of intuition behind her eyes – and the magnetism held me once more. I wanted to continue to talk to her, but I had nothing to say. I remembered when she accused me of dazzling her, how she couldn't quite express herself.

She was the only one who could render me speechless.

But why had her pulse quickened?

In the past, it usually happened when I touched her. I liked to think it was a response to me, not to any touch – but perhaps I was wrong, and Jacob had grabbed her hand again, and that's why her heart rate had gone up.

I closed my eyes and frowned. It wasn't something I wanted to see.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

But when she called my name, I couldn't refuse her.

And right then I knew I would never really leave, despite what I had planned mere minutes ago. I would always be on the sideline, waiting for her to say my name again. The pain of seeing her with another person was searing, but the suffering that came with never seeing her again was greater.

"Yes. Are you?" I tried to modulate my voice. I had to be careful. I knew how she was good, and I knew she might feel somehow responsible for my feelings for her. Had I botched it up already and made it abundantly clear nothing had changed regarding that aspect?

"Fine," she whispered and grimaced. I wasn't satisfied with that.

I pretended I didn't see Carlisle's third warning stare at me when he gave her the prescription.

She got off lucky, Carlisle thought, riding without a helmet is extremely risky. Perhaps I'll speak with Alice about it…

I forced myself to seem disinterested when I asked her about her new hobby, and I knew she tried to do the same – but her voice trembled a bit.

I wanted to ask her about our agreement when I left – hadn't she promised me she wouldn't do anything reckless? Motorbikes were too dangerous already, but no helmets?

Jacob's reminder about how much I had missed on her life effectively shut me up.

He was right, even if Bella told him to be quiet and rolled her eyes. I had missed a lot, and the kiss he replayed on his mind was just one of the things. I wondered idly if only had happened once – I supposed so, because he kept remembering only this occasion.

"I see…" I said emotionless as I grabbed the curtains to leave. "I'll get to Carlisle. Feel better soon, Bella."

Saying her name to her again felt glorious. I shouldn't be allowed to feel that way again. A creature so egotistical and selfish such as myself shouldn't have this sort of pleasure.

But I did.

It rolled off my tongue as easily as it had done in the past; my favorite word in the world. I wondered if I failed as spectacularly as I thought I did in trying to hide the devotion her name caused me. Perhaps I had; her heart pumped harder once more.

I went ahead to wait for Carlisle in his office while he finished a quick round on the ER. When he returned, he was carrying something hand: Bella's backpack.

She forgot it, he explained.

"I'm not sure you coming here was a good idea, Edward," Carlisle said when he sat down. I closed my eyes.

"I'm sure it wasn't," I replied and he smiled weakly.

"I know you're… worried about her, but I think you're not the best person to talk to Bella about it," Carlisle continued.

He tried to hide it, but Bella's file was filled with past visits to the hospital; injuries that had happened while we were away, and similar (but less grave) to today's.

"I know."

Carlisle looked at me, but I couldn't meet his eyes.

You're not leaving, are you? I know I said it might do you both some good, but I wasn't aware…

"Not for now, as we agreed previously."

And now? What are you going to do now?

"I…" I hesitated. I hadn't thought yet. I needed to go to Bella's house and hide in the woods to make sure she was safe. I wouldn't approach her, I wouldn't make myself visible. Only protect her.

Jacob Black would probably know I was there, however. Would him tell Bella? His thoughts towards me had been antagonistic, to say the least, and not only because of the vampire-werewolf rivalry.

Had Bella told him everything that had happened in the past? Did he consider me a rival?

The last notion pleased me more than it should.

Before I could reply Carlisle, my cell phone rang and I quickly answered Alice.

"I'm already at Bella's," she said quietly. "She's just entered with Jacob. I'll be here for now. Your car's in the hospital parking lot. We'll change places after you drop off her bag."

"Thank you, Alice. Really."

"I'm not doing it only for you, Edward," Alice reminded me. "I love Bella as much as you do. And we need to talk about… this whole situation."

"Another day, perhaps."

"Wait an hour before going," she advised me. "Jacob will be gone by then. Let's refrain from any sort of difficulties."

She knew I was avoiding her, but she didn't complain. When she thought it was the right time, she would come for me, ignoring whichever my wishes regarding the subject might be.

Carlisle gave me Bella's backpack with a worried smile and encouraging words on his mind. As always, he had the utmost faith and trust in me; he was absolutely sure I would do the right thing, even if I doubted it myself.

I had done everything wrong at first; I had stayed until I let Bella fall in love with me. I enjoyed her company, I fulfilled my selfish desires, and I paved her pathway to where she was now: once more, hunted by a ravenous, sick vampire.

Once more, her life was at stake.

It had bothered me immensely when Alice said she didn't want us to protect her. Even if it hadn't been my fault she was being hunted – if Bella had managed to find a murderous vampire by herself, which wasn't impossible, considering she had found me – I would still stand between her and them.

Did she not know this?

Had she believed so truly I didn't want her, the vilest of the lies I had ever told? And at the same time, the most absurd of all.

Bella was permanent in me. The way she had changed me would not waver until I ceased to exist; she would always be my priority.

I could respect her choosing another man over me – I would force myself to – but it didn't modify in the slightest my job to keep her safe.

Perhaps she didn't know this. How could I make her aware of this and not appear I'm trying to force her back to me?

The hour Alice had asked me to wait had gone by while I mused about Bella alone – Carlisle had been called long ago on the ER. With a sigh, I grabbed Bella's backpack and left the hospital. Alice had parked my car conveniently near the entryway and I was on the road to Forks in minutes.

Bella's truck wasn't parked there. Had she gone somewhere? But Carlisle had warned her to rest, hadn't he? Had she become this reckless?

The werewolf took her truck, Alice explained in her mind before she left. Jasper was waiting for her for a hunt.

I could hear the television turned on some basketball game – it meant Charlie was up. After the initial shock of not seeing her car, I focused and I could hear Bella's breaths and heartbeats; they were very calm, rhythmic and peaceful. She was asleep, then.

I walked quietly to the front door. I couldn't understand Charlie's thoughts very well to predict his reaction, but I was intelligent enough to know it wouldn't be very positive. I knocked twice; he was very surprised to have someone at the door.

His face when he saw me, however, told me I didn't need to learn his thoughts to know exactly how he felt towards me.

"Good evening, Chief Swan," I greeted as politely as ever. His frown was deep and his mind angry.

"What are you doing here?" He asked bluntly. "I hope you're not here for Bella, because if so… you have some nerve!"

He was, of course, right. I shouldn't be near Bella at all.

"Bella forgot her backpack at the hospital today," I explained, raising the mentioned object. "Carlisle asked me to bring it, because he won't leave the hospital until the morning."

"What were you doing there?" His tone was accusing, and he correctly suspected I had run to the hospital because of Bella.

"I had to bring my father some urgent documents for my mother," I had to use the same lie, at least. "I dropped them off and came to leave Bella's backpack."

"You could've asked Alice to give it to her tomorrow," Charlie said, crossing his arms. In his mind, my sister was free from judgements.

"I thought, perhaps, she would want to have some homework done tonight still," I shrugged for good measure. He narrowed his eyes.

"She's asleep."

"Oh, that's alright. Can I leave it with you, sir?" I asked, pointing at the backpack. He snorted.

"Even if she were awake, boy, that's all you would do. I don't want you near my daughter again, are we clear?"

I nodded.

"Nothing from you anymore. What you've done to her…"

Charlie's thoughts had always been… muddled to me. I couldn't understand the words, but I could capture feelings and see the images in his mind perfectly. And just then he thought exactly what I had done to her.

The first image wasn't new to me; I had seen it on Alice's mind. The pain was the same. But there were more, many more: Bella, alive and yet lifeless. Bella doing things simply because she had to, to appease Charlie. Bella throwing a tantrum when he and Renée tried to get Bella to move to Jacksonville. Bella locked up in her bedroom the whole weekend, every single weekend. Bella screaming during the night – every single night – until she became friends with Jacob Black. Bella's face whenever something might remind her of us.

Bella mumbling "he's gone" the night I left while she cried.

All of her suffering because of me.

"I want you out of here, do you understand me?" Charlie barked.

I was positive I hadn't been able to school my expression into something acceptable, but it hadn't seemed to bother Charlie. He just wanted me to leave and never come back.

"I understand you, Chief Swan. Good evening."

I turned quickly and made my way to the car, tuning down his thoughts.

The images were printed on my mind, however.

Most likely forever.

Unbeknownst to him, Charlie had given me my personal hell, in which I would burn in penitence for an eternity of suffering and guilt for my unpardonable decisions and the terrible consequences.