Hello, everyone! Welcome to our final chapter of 'blinding lights'! Sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy the end of our little story.
Good news is: there will be an epilogue! Can't promise dates, but it will come!
Thanks for reading and comments are always welcome!
It took me a few seconds to get why my head was throbbing, but I only had to frown to feel the pull of the stitches. The whole afternoon came back to my mind and I sighed.
Seeing Edward there shouldn't make me feel so well, but it had. He had actually spoken to me, which was a huge evolution.
Perhaps he didn't actually hate me.
I could hear Charlie still downstairs and I was partly glad he hadn't forgotten I didn't have my truck. As much as I hated the idea of getting a lift from the cruiser, the rain was too thick to make it possible to walk to school.
I got ready quickly, knowing Charlie usually left earlier than I did, and I didn't want to make him late.
I went downstairs frowning; I didn't remember bringing my bag from the hospital. If I had left it there, I would have nothing to take to school, and I had a paper due.
"Morning, Bells," Charlie greeted me. I smiled tightly and sat down. He stared at me as I poured myself some cereal. So he wanted to talk. Had he found out about the bikes? "You forgot your bag yesterday," he finally said, pointing with his head to my bag on the couch.
"Oh. Jake brought it over?" Maybe he noticed I didn't have it and turned back when I was asleep.
Charlie cleared his throat.
"No. Edward did."
My soft "oh" was quieter this time. Edward had brought my bag back? But…
"He says Carlisle gave it to him, and he didn't know if you'd want to do homework before heading to bed."
I swallowed my heart back to my chest; since Charlie mentioned his name, it had raced upwards until it found a new place on my throat.
"That's… that was very nice of him," I added quickly, eating the cereal (now tasteless, of course. How could I focus on such unimportant things like flavor when de had come here and I had been asleep?).
"Bella, please don't forget what he did to you…" Charlie pleaded.
Yeah, he had left me. But was it really that wrong? Weren't people allowed to break up relationships if they weren't in love anymore? Isn't that for the best?
The problem was with me; I was the one who couldn't get over him.
Furthermore, what did Charlie know about it?
"Hm, his father took a job in another state and he followed his family as any underage should?" I managed to speak. Because, honestly. Charlie could resent him because of my… reaction, but what fault had Edward in the public story? None.
"Well, he didn't tell you," Charlie insisted. I chuckled.
"You really think timing was the issue?" I asked. "That if he'd told me before it would have been different?"
Charlie narrowed his eyes.
"Why are you defending him?"
"Because he's done nothing wrong!" I replied.
Because I love him and can't hear anyone saying bad things about him, even after all the pain I've been through.
"Well, I disagree on this one."
I only shrugged. It wasn't like Charlie to talk so much. He sighed.
"Listen, Bells, it just… it worries me. You're both very young, and after last September… I can't help my protective side. You're my daughter," he finished clearing his throat.
It was my turn to sigh. I couldn't blame him for wanting what he thought was best for me.
"I know, Dad. You just don't need to worry, ok?"
Charlie didn't agree, but he didn't speak more of it as I finished breakfast. He said nothing else until we were outside, about to enter the cruiser, and a silver Volvo appeared.
My heart sped up again: uncertain if it should despair or hope, it chose to just show itself more.
"Don't need to worry, huh?" Charlie muttered under his breath. Thankfully Alice jumped out of the car quickly smiling widely.
"Charlie! It's been so long!" She greeted him. Charlie smiled at her; he would forever be grateful for sparing him the task of bathing his grown daughter.
"Hey, Alice. What're you doing here?" He asked back. Her grin didn't falter.
"I knew Bella didn't have her truck, and I didn't want you to be late, so I'm giving her a ride," she explained. "Just until she gets her car, of course."
"Oh. That's very thoughtful of you, Alice, thanks," Charlie seemed somewhat surprised by the kindness and consideration.
"It's nothing. It's a small town, after all," Alice waved her hand in a dismissive manner. "Let's go, Bella! Can't be late either. Good seeing you, Charlie."
Charlie gave me a piercing stare that I understood as "stay away". I smiled at him, even though I knew his advice wouldn't be taken into much consideration.
Alice directed me to the car and I took a very deep breath before opening the back door. Alice looked at me with questioning eyes and I just shrugged.
"I think this would be a good arrangement," Alice said as I entered. She kept talking, but I couldn't pay attention.
I was too focused on the smell that took the car; that sweet scent that made my heart ache from the good memories it brought.
When I fastened my seat belt, he started the car again and accelerated calmly – not at all close to his pace. Maybe for Charlie's sake, like he used to do before.
I looked up and his eyes found me in the rearview mirror.
I gasped with the intensity. It was incredible, really, how my reactions were the same as they had before he had left. Would my heart ever quit trying to escape whenever I interacted with him?
"... so we should be by your door at the same time, then," Alice finished.
"Hm, what?" I asked, not having heard a single word she had said.
"I was saying we should give you rides everyday. At least while Victoria's around."
"That's not necessary," I told her quickly. "I don't want to bother you."
Alice just rolled her eyes.
"Well, considering there'll always be one of us near your home whenever you're there, I'd say it's no bother."
"Alice…" I started, but she cut me off.
"Don't even try. It's a safety measure," Alice said. "I bet even your Jacob Black would agree."
"Honestly, I think he'd rather drive me to school himself," I mumbled.
"Then why won't he?"
"Treaty. His shifts with the pack. La Push ranks above me," I explained.
"Then it is necessary, Bella. We all care about you very much."
I didn't miss the emphasis she gave on the "all". Nervously I looked at the rearview mirror, and his golden eyes were staring at me.
"I don't think she feels comfortable with this arrangement, Alice," Edward said quietly, and correctly. "Perhaps if whichever of us happens to be on her house that night were to get a ride with her to school, where either me or you would already be…"
His eyes still watched me through the mirror and I bit my lip. That was so him. He knew exactly what I needed and offered it to me.
It only made it harder to get over him.
"That would be better, thanks, Edward," I replied in a low voice.
He smiled lightly. It wasn't my favorite crooked smile; but it was enough.
It was the first time I saw him smiling since his return. The first time I wasn't haunted by his impassive face that seemed to stalk me in nightmares in the forest.
"Not a problem, Bella. That's what friends are for."
I tried to be gracious but my grin certainly looked more like a grimace than any sort of happy expression. Edward frowned, and I was expecting his next action: to ask me what I was thinking.
But he didn't.
"Exactly. Friends. Thanks."
My mumble was incoherent, and I felt my face flush. He eyed me and I thought the corner of his lips shot upwards.
I'd take it.
The music on the Volvo was very low, just to make some noise – well, some noise besides Alice's chattering.
"I'm thinking your grades must be very nice with all the studying you say you're doing, and you said yourself Charlie's keen on you going to college. Have you picked the colleges you'd like to apply to?" She asked. I shrugged.
"I've already applied for the ones I want."
When I told her which ones I had picked, she hummed.
"You should apply for others too. We'll help you!"
I snorted.
"I'm not either smart or rich for the colleges you're thinking, Alice."
She turned on her seat to glare at me.
"You're smart enough for any college you want to go, Bella," Alice told me. "You wouldn't believe how many stupid people we've met in Harvard. Tell her, Edward."
I rolled my eyes at Alice, but I wasn't really upset.
"She's right, Bella," Edward said. We stared at each other through the rearview mirror again. "You can get into any college you want. We've got some applications back home. We can bring them to you tomorrow."
"I thought the really good ones had already closed their application period," I mused. Alice shrugged.
"They're not hard to convince."
I frowned at her words, but then I understood how they could convince any of these colleges to accept my late application.
"Oh, no, you're not wasting an obscene amount of money on me like that," I told her with a chuckle.
"Like what?" Alice challenged.
"It wouldn't be a waste," Edward murmured. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. Was he… he couldn't…
"I…"
"It really wouldn't be a waste," Alice continued. "You deserve a chance at a great college, Bella."
"I want to stay around. I don't want to go to a place far away, anyway."
Alice frowned.
"You wanna stay in Forks?"
"At least close," I said with a shrug.
"Oh. I suppose you want to stay close to your father," Alice mused out loud.
"Uh. Yeah. I do," I hesitated a fraction of a second, but this was more than enough for them to notice. They would know I hesitated, but I really couldn't elaborate. How could I sound sane if I told them I didn't want to move too far from Forks because I wanted to have some shred of evidence that they actually existed after they left again?
They must have thought of an explanation of their own, because they said nothing until the car was parked and we were walking to the school building. Alice was very close to me, humming happily away while Edward kept quiet.
I spent the morning thinking about Edward's soft "it wouldn't be a waste" in the car. It made me think about all of the times he had wanted to spend money on me and I refused. I already had more than what I deserved when we were together. I needed nothing from him, except himself.
My class ran late and I was the last to sit on my usual table. There was a saved place for me between Angela and Jessica.
"Hey, sorry," I said, sitting down quickly. Jessica nodded and looked at me, nodded again, then sighed.
"I really didn't want to bring this up, Bella, but…" Jessica said, "are you dating Edward again?"
"What? No, I'm not," I replied quickly, shaking my head. "Why would you think that?"
"Well, you were in his car this morning…" she said, raising an eyebrow. This was so Jessica I had to refrain from an eye roll.
"I had to lend my truck last night and Alice offered me a ride. That's all."
"So you're not with him again?"
"No, we're just…" I shrugged, "friends."
Jessica's eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently.
"No, that's– no, no, no, don't do it."
I exchanged a glance with Angela – she was as baffled as me with Jessica's intensity.
"What? Why?"
"It never works, never. I mean, ok, you're friends with him, and it's just fine. You hang out with the same friends, and see each other a lot. Then out of nowhere, you're, like, making out, and at the time it might seem like it's a good idea, but it's a really bad idea, because it means a lot for one of you and nothing for the other, like just bored or in a need of some kissing."
She said it all in a quiet whisper and it wasn't hard to see why: Mike was sitting on the other side of the table. Jessica breathed in heavily and continued:
"Or worse! Say one of you starts dating other people! Like you and that Jacob!"
"I-" I started to protest, but Jessica kept talking.
"Of course I'm not saying he would date anyone here, but he's got a brother and a sister in college, and you know what could happen? College girls. That might get his attention. But whatever. Just imagine, like, it's Alice's birthday and you go because she's your friend, but you're not sure if you should take your new boyfriend, or when you get there you meet his new girlfriend, either way it's just plain awkward. You're like friends until one of you gets into a relationship."
I tried to speak, but I couldn't think of anything to say to all that. Instinctively, I looked at the table Alice and Edward were sitting. Alice was clearly holding back a laugh and Edward was glaring at her. She could easily have just teased him about something.
But I knew better, and I knew she was reacting to Jessica's speech.
"Jess, thanks for your concern. Really, I appreciate it," and I wasn't lying. "But it's not like that, I promise you. No risk of us getting ourselves in any of the situations you mentioned. Besides, Alice is a great friend, and it'd be hard for us if I hated her brother, right?"
He wouldn't feel a sudden urge to kiss me. He knew better than anyone how women felt about him, and if he was in a need for some kissing, he could pick his share of girls. Or vampires.
I mean, vampire women must feel attracted to him, right? Did he know female vampires? I knew the Cullens had a 'distant family' in Alaska but…
"It might be bad if you hated each other, but better than being friends. I mean, can you even be just friends with him? The man is…"
She stole a glance at him and I felt myself doing the same. He was sitting talking in low murmurs to Alice; I could see his lips shaping up at a speed I knew was way too fast for humans to catch any of his words. He wasn't frowning, but didn't seem to be happy either. Just focused. Alice rolled her eyes and winked at me.
Edward turned; he had to know beforehand he was being watched. Jessica's thoughts must have completed her cutoff words. He waved lightly and turned back.
"See?" I said with a shrug. "We're just friends. It's alright," Jessica still made a face at me, but I had a lot of experience with her. "I do worry about all that speech and you and Mike, though," I said in a low whisper. Her eyes widened.
I was right; she started telling about how it had been for her and Mike still being friends, how it had been hard, and only stopped talking when we took our separated seats in class.
It was a nice chat because the focus wasn't me, and that's what I wanted since the beginning anyway: to not talk about me and Edward being friends. His face (which I might have looked at more times than I should) during the lesson was normal. Not happy, not angry, but wasn't that horrid indifferent expression I had nightmares about.
I was divided between asking a ride to Alice again or walking back home when I got into the parking lot – a bit more inclined to the latter –, but my choice was made when I hear the loud noise I would always recognise as my truck.
Jake was driving it, a frown on his face as he looked around. I was certain he was looking for Edward and Alice, and I know the moment he found them as his eyes turned into slits and he parked far from the Volvo.
I turned back and waved at Alice and Edward; they were glaring right back at Jacob. With a sigh, I made my way to the truck Jake now turned off and got out of. His hands were shaking slightly.
"Hey, Jake! Thanks for bringing it!"
He finally looked at me and grinned, pulling me into a tight hug. He let me go after a few seconds with a kiss on my cheek, and I backed from his reach at once.
"No problem, Bells. You couldn't walk home, right? Charlie brought you up then?"
"Uh…" I hesitated and his grin faded. I didn't even try to lie. I sucked at lying and he would see right through me. "Actually, Alice gave me a ride."
He looked at the Volvo again, where Alice was entering the passenger seat with a cheeky smile. Edward already occupied the driver's.
Jacob glared at me.
"No, don't," I warned him with a whisper. I could see a lot of eyes on the both of us. "Don't even start. You can't be jealous or angry, alright?"
He sighed deeply.
"Do you want a ride back to La Push?" I offered. "It's the least I could do."
"Nah, my bike is on the back. I've got to run a bit with Sam, anyway," he told me.
"You'll be busy the whole weekend?" I asked. I hated empty weekends.
"Yeah. Don't worry about it. You've got your old friends back," he told me with a sardonic smile. I rolled my eyes.
"It's not like that, but I know you're way too stubborn to listen to reason."
He shrugged and went to the back of my truck, getting his bike out.
"Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet now?" I asked with a grin. He smiled right back, his usual, shiny smile.
"I'll leave that to the more balance-challenged ones," he said, ruffling my hair. Then he turned the bike on and left quickly.
With a sigh, I climbed on my truck and went home, thinking that just maybe I would prefer to be sitting on those familiar leather seats that exhaled a particular and comforting smell.
Most of the weekend passed slowly. Jacob didn't show up once, and I wasn't sure if appearing on La Push out of nowhere would be fine now.
Charlie asked why I wasn't with Jake. He probably thought I had plans with Alice and was benching Jacob, but I squashed the possibility mentioning he was out with some boys from the reservation.
"We can have other friends, Dad," I told Charlie, only feeling a bit bad for it. It wasn't a lie per se, but it was just a tad unfair. Jacob didn't have a choice.
But then again, I didn't feel like I had one either.
I loved Alice, and I would be with her as much as she wanted. And Edward…
It was precisely as Jake had once compared: I felt almost as committed to the Cullens as he did to the pack. And of course, most of it was because of Edward.
Neither Alice nor Edward visited me either – not that I expected him to – and maybe it had something to do with the fact Charlie spent the weekend home.
He said the weather wasn't very good for fishing, but I knew he had caught more fish than I could count in worse storms than the one that hit us those two days.
But my Sunday wasn't as terrible as Sundays had been. I finished my schoolwork Saturday, and Charlie insisted on going out for lunch on Sunday.
"We haven't done it in a long time," he justified after he told me to get dressed. "Get some rest from the kitchen, eh?"
I was extremely lucky for Charlie. He always tried to make what he thought was the best for me. If moving to Forks had given me something really good – besides well, everything else – it was Charlie.
As promised, when I got into my truck, Alice climbed in after me, all grins and cheer. I felt myself smiling back at once; her glee was contagious. Suddenly she looked at where my stereo should be and gasped.
"What happened here?!" She cried out. I grimaced.
"Uh, I had to take it out somehow."
"Somehow being the most aggressive way imaginable?" She was still a bit shocked.
"Somehow being 'I had no idea how not to do it differently', actually."
"I bet it doesn't even work anymore."
"I'm inclined to agree with you."
Alice looked at me as I drove carefully to school.
"Why did you even take it off? It was a gift."
I shrugged.
"Couldn't keep it. I'm not really listening to a lot of music anyway…"
Alice eyed me and frowned, but when I shook my head lightly, she started to talk about her weekend shopping spree with Rosalie and Esme. I had yet to see them again since their return, and I missed Esme like crazy.
Edward arrived shortly after, and joined us with a quiet "good morning". I felt my breath catching in my throat and my heart racing, even before he turned to me.
"I searched and discovered a few colleges that are still open to new applications," he told me with a small smile. "I brought you some so you can at least try. You never know."
He handed me a file with some papers. I took it noticing how careful he was not to touch my fingers.
"Thank you, really. It's not like I can afford any of these anyway," I laughed as I saw the names. Harvard, Dartmouth, Yale…
"You could always apply for scholarships," he suggested as we walked to our classroom. "Some companies like to offer scholarships for publicity. Alice and I can help you find one of those, if necessary."
I eyed him quickly. Back then, I knew this would be an excuse for him spending money on me. Now I knew he didn't have a reason, as his innocent expression suggested.
"We can help you fill some of these applications too. We've already done ours, anyway," he offered, then showed my favorite crooked smile, "many, many times."
I gulped as I tried to ignore the internal battle of the hole and my speeding heart as happy memories of that smile invaded my mind.
Apparently it showed in my face, because Edward frowned deeply. So I grinned weakly and nodded.
"I suppose you have. Thank you, for everything. I'll have a look on these later today and I'll let you guys know if I need any help."
He nodded but still frowned as he opened the door for me to pass. Only then I noticed Alice wasn't with us.
"That's what friends are for," he murmured as we parted to occupy our seats.
And he truly meant the friendship business.
Being friends with Edward was different. A bit weird, even. Alice managed to get me to sit on their lunch table one day (claiming loudly so Jessica could hear that she needed a girl input on a gift for Jasper, because Edward was being useless), and Edward's close presence was a bit intoxicating.
We were paired up for a trig group project and I headed over for the Cullens' house one afternoon after school so we could work on it. Esme was radiant when I arrived; she hugged me tenderly, asking how I was doing and how my father was.
Edward and I sat on the living room table, talking about math and other things too. He smiled a bit more, and I had to admit I did too. The rest of his family, it seemed, was giving us some space (Esme left quickly after providing some snacks for me). Well, except when Emmett appeared with a smirk and made a remark about friendship with benefits and such.
In all honesty, being friends with Edward was somewhat similar to that rush of blood on a limb previously numbed down: it hurt some after not feeling anything on it for so long, but it was a pain that made sure it was alive, and a pain that cried for things to return as they were before the numbness.
And yet, it was better than nothing.
I was getting used to this new reality of being near him but not with him, and by the end of two weeks it seemed almost normal. Every night one of the Cullens spent the night near my house; Alice always came up to my room until I fell asleep. I preferred not to know, when it wasn't Alice, who was hiding in the woods, but I did open the window and whispered a quiet "sorry" into the darkness.
Every day I woke up and hurried to see if Charlie was fine, but I was only comforted when I got to school and Alice confirmed all of the Cullens were fine as well. When I got home from school, I called Jacob and made sure the pack was alright too, except when I headed for La Push.
It had been… difficult with Jake. Whenever we spent time together, I couldn't mention any of the Cullens or he would either clam up and get angry or rant about the dangers of being friends with vampires.
We rode our bikes sometimes, or hung out at his garage. He offered jumping from the cliff one day, as he had promised, but the appeal of it had disappeared when Edward returned. Although breaking my promise to him had some appeal (as he so clearly broke his promise over and over), it had stopped being my motivation for dangerous activities when I realised they triggered his voice.
And I no longer needed these illusions.
Jake and I were watching a silly movie on his TV, me on the couch and him sprawled on the floor, snickering about dumb plots, when we heard a howl in the distance. Jacob got up at once.
"Damn, it's Sam. I need to go…"
I nodded.
"Yeah, of course. I'll, uh, I'll just go home. I'll call Alice or something. Just go."
He looked a bit torn, but ultimately Sam's order decided for him.
I made my way back to Forks quicker than usual, and yet Alice was at my home already.
"I thought you were on the kannel," she said brightly when I entered my room. I rolled my eyes.
"Sam called the pack. He had to go."
"And leave you unprotected?"
"I was going to call you, Alice."
She scoffed but pulled me to the bed.
"I'm not staying long," Alice told me, "I'm going hunting with Edward. You'll have another babysitter."
"That's ok, I don't mind," I replied truthfully. She eyed me speculatively.
"Good. What were you doing earlier? Risking your life in a motorbike?"
I rolled my eyes at her again.
"We were just watching a movie," I told her. "And for your information, the bikes were my idea. Jake just went along with it."
Her eyebrows shot up. "Your idea? Why would you ever want to ride a motorbike?"
"For the adrenaline, the feeling of the wind on the face…" the certainty of broken promises…
"Last I heard you hated high speed and such," Alice recalled, and well, she was right. I could only shrug. "I could've sworn the bikes were something your boyfriend got you into."
I raised my eyebrows.
"My what now?"
"Your boyfriend. The puppy."
She looked at me innocently, eyes slightly widened. My only reaction was to laugh hysterically.
"Oh, no. Not you too. Jacob's not my boyfriend."
"Really?" She asked skeptically. "That's not what he seems to think." I opened my mouth to ask how she knew what he thought, then I remembered she had a way. And if she knew that, then he knew that too.
"Well, I can assure you that's not true. We're not dating. Never have, actually," I emphasized.
"So you didn't kiss?" She challenged and I winced.
"Well, we did kiss, but… it's not… it didn't go any further than just a kiss. He… well, he really wants us to date but I don't, so…"
She looked at me intently, like Edward did when he tried to read my mind. I looked down, at my intertwined hands, until she sighed.
"Ok, I need to get Jasper so he can come stay with you. We'll chat later, ok?"
"Of course. But there's nothing more on this subject, Alice. I promise you. I'm not dating Jacob. Or anyone for that matter."
She nodded and hugged me, kissing my cheek carefully and promising to be back very quickly, an angelical smile on her lips. With a groan, I threw myself at my bed, covering my face with a pillow.
"You're not dating him?"
I gasped and moved the pillow quickly while I sat up instantly. I knew that voice. What was he doing here? What was he doing so close to my bed–so close to me–, on his knees?
"Edward, what…?" I mumbled incoherently.
Instead of answering me, he just got closer, so close I could feel his coldness, I could sense his smell filling up my nostrils and intoxicating my every thought. I could feel my heart accelerating like old times, as if it knew its true owner was just inches away.
"You're not dating him?" He asked again, the velvet breaking at the end.
"No, of course not," I whispered back. He had a fleeting smile before coming even closer.
He raised his hands and, delicately, held my face. I stopped breathing altogether and closed my eyes. How long had it been since I felt his fingers caressing my cheeks? Since my heart hammered crazily with this body contact? Since coldness was, in reality, very warm?
Since I felt like myself?
I was relishing in the feeling of being whole again (of being me again) when I felt his cold, sweet breath on my face and I realised what he was about to do.
"Please, don't," I whispered weakly. But Edward listened to me, because he stopped. I felt my eyes opening slowly, still confused. "I can't… I… when… I just can't."
I knew he didn't love me, and I knew just how much this knowledge would destroy me if he kissed me and left again.
Edward backed away and released my face, his expressing absolutely nothing; he looked calm and barely composed.
"I'm sorry, Bella. This was unforgivable behaviour. It won't happen again. Jasper is outside. Have a good night."
Then he disappeared, leaving me alone with my thoughts and confusion.
Why had he tried to kiss me? He didn't love me. He wasn't the sort to simply kiss people randomly. He had said so himself. Maybe he had changed since he left.
Jessica's voice entered my mind repeating her warnings about befriending exes.
I shook my head and sighed. It didn't matter why. It mattered it hadn't happened.
It was no surprise that when I went to bed earlier than usual, right after dinner, my mind couldn't stray away from Edward. His sudden appearance and proximity brought so many memories that I had tried to suppress for so long because they hurt too much.
But that night, our old moments returned in full force: our first kiss and the hesitancy, the feeling of that first night, how I felt in his arms during prom, our happy summer together…
The memories lulled me to sleep, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly when I fell asleep, as the memories turned into dreams. The old scenes and feelings filled my unconscious mind, from the big ones (him carrying me away from the old ballet studio, the first time he said he loved me) to the small things (how he hummed my lullaby when he spent the night, his special half smile, his smell)...
Until one day at our meadow morphed into the woods behind Charlie's house, and he was leaving me again, his face changing from my favorite grin to blankness, the despair of that afternoon returning in full force, the hole burning and opening again.
Then I was alone, calling after him again, the forest swallowing my silent cries.
Before I could scream out loud, I woke up. I felt the tears wetting my face as I regained conscience, but my sorrow was controlled, barely surfacing.
Confused, I opened my eyes and realised why the hole wasn't incapacitating me.
"Sorry for waking you up," Jasper whispered quietly. I wiped my tears and nodded. "I felt you were about to…"
"No, it's alright, Jasper. Thank you. I don't like worrying Charlie."
He hesitated before leaning against the window frame.
"How long have you been sleeping like this?" He asked me and I sighed.
"I've got nightmares sometimes," I answered quietly. No need to tell him that it had been the first time it had happened since they had come back.
Jasper only nodded, keeping his distance from me. The opened window probably helped.
"I couldn't help but notice the… situation when I arrived. You were feeling a bit…"
I looked at my hands. I didn't want to have this conversation because it could easily reach Edward later, even if Jasper didn't do it on purpose. And I didn't want to put any pressure on him because my feelings were unchanged.
Jasper must have felt my confusion, because he said a weak "ah" and I blushed. He went quiet for a few seconds.
"It's an awkward position for me," he said. I looked up; his golden eyes were slightly amused. "You not wanting him to know some things, and him asking all of us to withhold information from you."
"What doesn't he…" I started but didn't finish. "Never mind. It's none of my business."
He let out a chuckle.
"I'll leave it to you both to sort out your issues and talk it out. Alice would murder me if I interfered without her," Jasper joked, then became serious again. "But I feel the need to make one thing clear: don't ever think he doesn't care about you, Bella. He does. We all do. Don't feel guilt over us protecting you. You're very dear to our family, and if Victoria's after you, it's our fault."
I shook my head.
"We're just sorry that we weren't here to deal with Laurent."
"It's not your job to protect me," I argued back.
"No, perhaps not," Jasper conceded. "But it's something we want to do. Again, we really care about you, Bella."
"I… thank you, Jasper."
He smiled at me.
"No problem. I'll just be down there. Do you want some help to sleep a little more easier?"
I smiled and nodded.
As promised, the rest of the night passed smoothly. Jasper left in the morning and Emmett waved hello from afar. I would invite him in if Charlie hadn't stayed home the whole weekend. He must still be worried about me relapsing.
I didn't see either Alice or Edward until Monday. Alice hopped on my truck as soon as I got inside with a huge grin, something about a music concert.
"I understand you and Jasper are sharing some sort of secret?" She fired halfway to school. I barked a laugh; count on Alice to dramatize a conversation.
"It's not from you, I promise. It's other people who might listen if you're not careful."
"I'm always careful," she huffed.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just…"
Alice sighed.
"It's alright. I just wish…"
"What?"
"Sometimes I want to bang your heads together and make you talk."
"It's not that simple," I disagreed.
"I know it isn't, but it's a start. I miss you coming over," she added with a pout.
"You miss having a real life Barbie," I joked. She shrugged and smiled guiltily.
"That too. But you bring… joy to our home. Besides, Esme's gone to the supermarket again. The kitchen's waiting for you."
"Well, we'll see."
Alice beamed. I narrowed my eyes.
"Weird thing happened Friday. Edward kind of overheard our conversation. Funny. I thought you might know if he were close enough to listen to us…"
She didn't even look guilty. She smiled and knocked her fists.
"Bang your heads together."
I could only grimace; I was too worried about Edward. How was he going to act after that almost kiss? Would he greet me? Should I greet him? Were we keeping up with the whole "friends" plan? Had it changed anything for him?
Why had he almost done that?
When I saw him, he was frowning a bit. He did that sometimes when he was trying to listen to someone's thoughts. I held my breath when I saw him, apprehensive.
Then he looked up, smiled a bit and made his way towards us.
"Good morning, Bella," he greeted politely. It lacked warmth on the velvet voice, but I would take it.
"Hey, good morning. Good, uh, hiking?" I asked, a flush filling my cheeks. His smile grew.
"Yeah, we found everything we needed. How was your weekend?"
"Stayed home," I told him truthfully. "Charlie decided to stay in, and Sunday night Billy and Jacob showed up for a pizza and a baseball game, and that's all I know about it."
His grin turned to a frown, but he hid it quickly (almost quick enough).
We continued to the classroom in silence, but it wasn't a comfortable one. I could sense both Alice and Edward hadn't liked the Jacob part, but there was nothing I could do about it. He was my friend and I would keep seeing him.
Jessica's warning about exes wasn't useful again. After the episode on Friday, Edward returned to being the perfect acquaintance/friend. He was polite, we talked quite a bit, and he kept his distance.
But sometimes I could feel him watching me, and when I turned to Edward, he would look away, or smile forcibly. I didn't quite understand why, but I chose not to ask.
As the week passed on, it was more and more common to feel his stare on me. When I hesitantly asked Alice about, she gave me her angelic smile.
"Well, I don't read minds so I can't really know," she told me too innocently. "Tomorrow's Friday. Why don't you ask him after school? Over some dinner, perhaps?"
I rolled my eyes.
"I know you can't see my afternoon, Alice. Jake's coming over after school," I clarified.
"Well, maybe Saturday, then? I'm sure Edward wouldn't mind taking you to Port Angeles…"
I ignored Alice. She was suggesting I should ask Edward out to question him about his staring. She was out of her mind.
Even if it bugged me.
Why was he staring again?
It distracted me so much that I only stopped thinking about it when Jake arrived at my home. I greeted him with a hug and freshly made sandwiches, and he grinned widely.
"Remind me again why we don't hang out here more often?" He joked and threw a sandwich at his mouth.
"Your garage's not here," I answered anyway. "Plus, Charlie is too nosy. He'd probably ask if you had to leave when you heard a howl."
He chuckled and devoured another sandwich.
"Homework then a movie?" I suggested. "I need to finish this paper."
"Sure."
I sat on the table while he sprawled on the floor. I wasn't sure he still went to school very regularly, but he had books with him.
We spent one hour focusing on homework until he groaned and gave up.
"Come on, you've got the whole weekend to do it."
"Says who? What if I've got plans?" I challenged him, but closed my books nonetheless, moving to the couch near him.
"Have you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, but I could have," I mumbled while I turned on the TV. He laughed and occupied the seat next to me.
"But you don't, so why don't I pick a movie while you make us some popcorn?"
I rolled my eyes.
"You just ate!"
"I'm on a growth spur," he replied. "It's a wolf thing."
I mumbled to myself, but did as he asked. When I returned, he occupied half of the sofa, making me squeeze the popcorn in a tight space between us.
After a few minutes, he grabbed the popcorn and put on his lap, pulling me closer to him.
My hesitation made him sigh.
"Can we talk about it now?" He asked quietly. I looked up at him and bit my lower lip. Perhaps it was time.
I nodded and got up. He followed me to the back garden; I didn't want to risk Charlie arriving and listening to anything I said.
"Ok. Can I just ask a question?" He pleaded.
"Of course, Jake."
"You care about me, right? You like me?"
"Of course I do. You're my best friend."
He frowned.
"Best friends don't kiss, Bella."
It was my turn to sigh.
"Oh, Jake… it's so… complicated."
"Explain it to me, then. Because I know you kissed me back."
I took a deep breath.
Then I started.
"I'm broken," I said. "More than you think you know."
"I've seen you fall apart, Bella. You're doing so much better. And I know I helped."
"Of course you did, Jake. But it's…" I sighed. "Ok. Remember when I took the bikes to you?"
"Sure."
"You asked me why, and I didn't answer completely truthfully."
He raised his eyebrow.
"See, when Edward left, he promised me he wouldn't be a part of my life anymore. As if he'd never existed."
"Broke that one, didn't he?" Jacob muttered.
"The minute he spoke it," I agreed. "Impossible to keep a promise like this if my best, happiest days were with him." He frowned at that, so I hurried. "I made him a promise in return, to not do anything stupid or reckless. For Charlie."
He was frowning again, and I sighed for the millionth time.
"I took the bikes to you because I wanted to break the promise I had made him, because he had broken his already. It will never be as if he'd never existed, no matter how far he is."
Jacob wasn't looking very happy, but I expected this. At least he wasn't shaking yet.
"When I first rode the bike," I continued before I lost my nerve, "I heard his voice."
He looked at me confused.
"I know. I told you I'm a lost cause," I tried to joke. "It was clearly a hallucination, but it was a good one. Everytime I did something dumb or dangerous, I did it because I wanted that voice. The hallucination didn't make me feel like I had lost my heart, the way normal memories do," instinctively I hugged myself.
"So we only hung out… so you could hear his voice?"
"No! Not at all. I like spending time with you, Jake. You're my best friend. But my reckless plans had this motivation underneath."
We looked at each other for quite some time.
"The hiking…"
I winced.
"It was a meadow that was… special to us. It's actually the place you've saved me from Laurent."
He went quiet again.
"The cliff?"
"Even without the jump, his voice was furious. It was… different."
Jacob started to shake slightly, and looked down, closing his eyes in fury.
"When we kissed," I told him and swallowed. His eyes turned to me. "When we kissed, his voice told me to be happy. That was one of the reasons I hesitated. The other was that I knew even then it wasn't fair to you."
"Fair?"
I bit my lower lip again.
"Bella, this is crazy. This is insane. He left you. He doesn't want you anymore. Try to be happy," he grabbed my hands, "be happy with me."
I tried to smile, but the tears that started to fall probably ruined the effect.
"I can't, Jake. You deserve someone better, someone who truly loves you. It's not me."
"He-"
"I know what he did," I interrupted. Every time he spoke of Edward the hole pulsed, reminding me how true his words were. "And I know it's insane, but… I love him. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want me or that he left."
"That's not… normal," Jacob bit back. I laughed humorlessly.
"Of course it's not normal! That's part of it, right? Did you expect a romance between a human and a vampire to be normal? It's… it's much more. It's something else. I… he… it's always been him, Jake," I whispered, still holding both of his hands. "And it will always be him. I love him, and I'll love him forever. I'm sorry."
He shook his head and dropped my hands.
"I… I need to go. This is too much. I…"
"Jake…" I mumbled through my tears. I hated making him suffer. I hated seeing him hurt.
"You'll be safe. One of them is coming now. We'll talk later."
I cried as I watched him go. It was amazing my ability to hurt Jacob, who had helped me so much. My best friend. How I wished we were related so I could lay some sort of claim on him.
I calmed my breath thinking I had done the right thing. It didn't matter that I would suffer tonight in my dreams; that the hole was biting viciously, burning achingly, draining any sort of hope and happiness to some sort of abyss I would never see again.
When I opened my eyes again, I gasped.
"What– what are you doing here?" I asked.
"I'm sorry for appearing out of nowhere, I know you were mostly safe, but I don't trust werewolves entirely, and I couldn't handle the possibilities…" Edward justified. For the first time since he returned, his eyes were alive, glowing. Intense. Liquid gold, inviting and comforting. "So I waited responsibly distant, just enough so I could hear if something bad were to happen."
So I could hear…
He could hear. He heard it all.
He knew.
I gulped.
"Edward, I-"
"You love me?" He asked in a whisper, approaching me. I winced.
"You don't need to do anything about it, I swear."
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, stopping inches from me. His voice was different; it resembled our olden days. It was filled with emotion. My heart raced and I stuttered.
"Because you weren't supposed to know. I didn't want to force you to anything, or make you uncomfortable. It's no big deal, I swear. I really understood what you said last September. You don't have to do anything about it," I repeated.
Edward gave me his half grin (my heart leaped in happiness) and held my face with his hands.
"What if I want to do something about it?" He asked quietly. "What if… what if I had told the most outrageous lie when I said I didn't want you anymore? What if I told you I was extremely disappointed when you believed so quickly? Why did you believe so quickly?"
"Because…" I babbled, coherent thinking almost gone as his breath swirled around my face, "because it never made much sense for you to love me."
He frowned, but then grinned again.
"Isabella. Bella. Your life is the only reason I still exist. You make me want to be better, to try and deserve you. There's no point in me continuing to walk this Earth without you. When I was without you, I felt like a bird that couldn't fly; I was there, going around, but with no sense of purpose. Like a bird that lost its voice; physically able to appreciate the beauty outside, but unable to feel its pleasure and sing it."
My breathing had stopped altogether, and my racing heart appeared to be trying to compensate for it.
"I… I don't get it," I blabbed, "you said you didn't want me anymore."
"I had to lie," he confessed quietly. "I had to leave you, Bella. I had to give you a chance to be human and happy. I knew you wouldn't even try if I were around. And I knew you wouldn't let me go unless I made you believe that most absurd lie I have ever told."
I shook my head, confused. He what?
"You, Bella, are much more than I deserve, and I know that. I'm darkness, I'm not worthy of your radiancy, of your goodness and selflessness. You're pure. Before knowing you, I was able to only exist and see things. But then I was blinded by your light, and it came close to living. When I wasn't with you, I could see nothing. I could do nothing. I was useless, reduced to less than what I was before."
The tears started to fall again, and he wiped my eyes gently, cautiously. Lovingly.
"Therefore, I need to apologise. Apologise for not taking your feelings into consideration, for doing what I reckoned to be the best, when it wasn't. I will never forgive myself for putting you through this."
"I forgive you," I mumbled. He grinned again and my breath caught.
"And secondly… what if I want to do something about it? What if knowing you love me still, and you knowing I love you more than anything, I wanted to cradle your face in my hands and pull you to a kiss? What would you say to that?"
"I'd say that this is the best dream I've had in months."
He grinned and finally pulled my face to his.
His lips were harsh; nothing like the careful kisses we had shared before. One of his hands moved to the back of my neck while the other secured my body flushed against his. His mouth was hungry, intense, and I felt authorized to throw my arms behind his neck and open my lips and feel his breath and his cold tongue.
And finally I felt like myself again. The hole wasn't filled; it didn't exist anymore. My heart galloped away in its excitement, my need to breath taken care of when he started to kiss my neck lightly, nipping at some points.
When we broke apart, we were both panting, but his eyes made it worth it. They were alive, burning and happy. His grin went along with it, and I knew my face was very similar. I raised myself and pecked him one more time, sighing.
"I'd say I was more than okay," I replied and he laughed. Oh, God his laugh. We looked at each other for a few seconds, until he narrowed his eyes.
"Now, what's this about reckless behaviour just to listen to my voice?"
I winced but smiled again.
"I'll tell, if…"
"If?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"If you promise me to stay with me."
"I promise," he vowed. "Well, it's not like I'd be able to leave."
"Stay with me?" I pressed. He smiled, bent down and kissed me sweetly.
"Forever."
