Sophie
There's a place called Pogo's. I like to go there after work sometimes. It's a nice place where excessive laughter is never a problem. People do stand up comedy. They stand in front of the public and tell their jokes. I always sit at a small table, one of those that have only one chair. I make sure to bring my notebook with me. I try to learn more so I can be a good comedian. For that matter, it's important to write a few things down. For example, it seems that sexual things are always funny, although I don't understand many of those jokes. I also notice that the tone in which one speaks is important, as well as the face and hand gestures. I need to work harder on my jokes and then when I'm ready, I'll present myself. I wonder what it's like to be on that stage with all those lights and all those people looking at me. I imagine their applause...their laughter...yes, it would indeed be extraordinary!
"I would like to be a comedian...but I'm just a clown. Big people are whatever they want to be. Small people are whatever they can be."
I have two colleagues at work, Randy and Gary. Randy is huge and pretty fat. Gary, on the other hand is a dwarf. Literally. This morning each one of us is getting ready to head out to work. Randy paints his face, just like me. Gary doesn't. He doesn't need a disguise. Sometimes he uses weird hats but that's all. I like Gary. He doesn't make fun of me. Perhaps because everyone mocks him...just like they mock me.
- Hey, Art- says Randall - I heard there were some incidents last week.-
- Ah yes... everything is pretty crazy out there.- I say.
- Take this. You need to defend yourself.- he tells me and hands me a small package.
- What's this?
I carefully open it.
- Randall...I'm not supposed to have such a thing.
How does he even think of giving me a gun?! He knows about my condition. I want to give it back but he insists I keep it.
- Listen, keep it, Art. You pay me whenever you can.
I really don't want it but Randall walks away and leaves it to me. I put the gun in my bag with no intention of ever using it.
The therapist doesn't mind me smoking during our sessions. That's good, because otherwise it would be harder for me to talk.
- Could you give me a new card? The last one was taken from me...
- Yes, sure. Here you are. Keep it safe.
-...
- You told me about a little girl in our last session. Do you want to tell me more about that?
- Yes. Gigi. She visits me every night before she goes to bed. It's not even five minutes but it's the best part of my day. Even better than Murray's show.
- She visits you?
- Yes. She knocks on my door just to wish me a good night and then she leaves. Sometimes she brings me something and sometimes she asks me to tell her a joke.
- Does her mother know about this?
- I don't know...I rarely see her. I think she works late.
- It's not a good idea that a grown man is visited by a little girl without her mother knowing about it. She could think you have bad intentions with her daughter.
- What? Why would you say something so horrible?!
I'm not sure why, but I perceive something very twisted in this logic.
- Gigi is being nice to me...I just try to be nice to her as well...I don't understand what the problem is.
- I'm not saying you're doing something wrong, Arthur. I'm just saying it could LOOK LIKE something wrong.
- Look like?
I don't like how that sounds...how does she tell me that?!
- HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
- ...Arthur...
I smoke a cigarette to calm down.
- HAHAHAHHAH... Don't you see what it's like out there? People just scream at each other. Nobody has ears for anybody. Nobody has time, nobody has pity...and you talk to me about what something could LOOK LIKE?
- Arthur, listen...
- No, no, you listen to me for once in your life! I've never hurt anybody! And yet people beat me up every single day, they mistreat me and make fun of me. That doesn't seem to bother you so much. But when a little girl has compassion for me, you tell me it's wrong that I reciprocate with a bit of affection?
- Your intentions could be misunderstood.
- Misunderstood? I don't get what you're trying to say...
- You've said yourself that the world is getting crazier every time...there are bad people...
- You don't need to remind me of that. I meet bad people every day. To everyone I'm just the same as a garbage bag, like the millions scattered around the streets. The world is deaf to me. And the only person who showed compassion for me was this little girl who felt sorry when she saw me cry. You're watching me cry right now and all you do is prescribe me another medication. Maybe if there were more people like Gigi, I wouldn't need all those pills...
My voice breaks and the sentence ends in a sob.
- Arthur, listen, I didn't mean to upset you...
I dry my eyes with my sleeve.
- Just give me the damn prescription please...I want to leave now.
At night I try to make some dinner for mom and myself. I'm not in a mood to write anything down in my notebook today. But it seems to be the only way of unloading my thoughts somewhere. They go back to my bag which now contains a gun.
"Why would Randy give me a gun?"
Knock knock.
I look up from my notebook. Those are not Gigi's hands. They're louder, they're adults' hands. Who can it be? I open the door.
It's her...of whom I don't even know the name...she wears a red skirt, a black shirt and a headband around her hair. She looks incredibly beautiful.
- He- hello!
- Hello Arthur.
Ah, she knows my name?
- Do you have a minute? I wanted to talk to you about my daughter Gigi.
- Ah, yes. Sure.
- She showed me the balloon you gave her.
I remember what the therapist told me.
- Ah yes...I...sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have, I...she made a drawing for me and left it in front of my door. I...I just wanted to give her something in return. I'm sorry...I didn't mean to bother...
- No, no. It's fine.- she says. Her expression relaxes and she laughs a little.
- I just wanted to meet the person about whom my daughter speaks all day.
There's curiosity in her eyes and her voice is soft.
- Ah...well, I...my name is Arthur.
- Yes, I know.
- Ah yes, true...
She softly laughs. Her laughter is nice and tuneful... everything mine is not.
- I'm Sophie.
Sophie...it's a beautiful name...Sophie...
- Hi Sophie...
There's a brief silence and I don't know what to say.
- Arthur, would you like a cup of tea?
- Tea?
- Well, if you prefer it can be coffee...
- Oh no, I mean yes...I...
I get very nervous and dry my sweaty hands in my trouser's fabric.
- Ehm, could you give me a minute? I'll check that my mom doesn't need anything.
- That's ok. I'll put the kettle on...
