Soft ringing melancholy notes float through my dreams. I turn over in a half-asleep state and run my hand over the satin sheets beside me. My fingers rub the silkiness between my fingers. I begin reaching out to find my anchor, my support, anything to latch on to. I am empty-handed as I slide my arm up and down, this causes my eyes to flutter open. I blink trying to adjust to the lighting in the room. It is early morning, golden rays just starting to break through the slits in the blind. My heart is thumping in my chest, my mouth dry from breathing so hard. A layer of sweat has formed over my whole body but I am shuddering underneath the comforter. It takes a few moments before I can register where I am and what has happened. I was so exhausted when Christian brought me back to Escala after the airport. A smile lines my lips as I think of the sweet memories. Christian holding me tightly against his naked chest. Whispering calmly into my ears until I drifted into the best sleep I have had in weeks. I throw my legs over the ledge of the bed. Cringing at the soreness that radiates through my whole body. Even well rested I still feel disoriented and achy. I wonder when that will ever stop. I am wearing one of Christian's shirts, it hangs almost to my knees. I hug the shirt tightly to myself inhaling the scent of him. I start down the hallway to the kitchen, where I hear everyone talking. A sweet aroma is drafting down the halls, Gail must be cooking.
Ace, Taylor, and Christian are all sitting at the kitchen bar. Paperwork is laid out in front of them and various mugs of coffee and tea are spread over the counter. Gail is leaning over the kitchen counter, invested in what they are studying.
"Good morning," I say groggily to everyone. All eyes turn to me and I am embarrassed by becoming the center of attention. Christian gets up from his seat immediately, no longer concerned with the papers in his hands. I feel like I am invading their conversation and become uncomfortable.
"I can go somewhere… else?" I suggest, turning away from the kitchen. A chorus of no's from everyone makes me stop abruptly and turn back around. Christian reaches his hand out to hold mine, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. He leans into me and plants a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Good morning Anastasia," his voice is deep and refreshing. Despite all that has happened, the happiness in his facial features is undeniable. He really is happy to have me here again.
Taylor gathers all the paperwork from the kitchen bar and shoves them into a folder, shaking hands with Ace as they whisper among one another. I plop down on a kitchen stool next to everyone. Gail places a plate of pancakes in front of me. When her eyes meet mine I catch the look of sympathy, she breaks her gaze away from me a little too quickly. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I shift in my seat. I don't want her to pity me. I wonder if this is how Christian felt when I looked at the scars on his chest when I asked all of the prying questions about Mrs. Robinson. I never pitied him though, but I wonder if he felt like I did. I stare down at the plate of pancakes in front of me gulping hard. The mountain of carbs looks impossible to take down.
My stomach lurches at the thought of food. She places a small teacup in front of me which I am grateful to drink. Hoping the action of my drinking is enough to not start a conversation about me avoiding the food.
"She hasn't been eating," Ace says, betraying me.
I squint my eyes at him, urging him to shut it. Christian glares at me, his mouth tightens, and his jaw clenches. A long sigh leaves him. I feel undressed under the intensity of his stare.
"Is this true Anastasia?" My cheeks flush red as I think of explanations.
"Be easy on her" Ace follows up by meeting my worried eyes in sympathy. Christian doesn't seem to relax at all. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat, it was that I couldn't eat. I stab my fork into the pancakes and take a large bite.
"I'm eating, I'm eating," I say with a mouth full and wave away everyone's concerned looks, hoping they focus on something else.
Christian watches me the entire time I am eating, as Ace and Taylor re-enter the discussion. His eyes are full of fear, and his body is stiff. I have never seen him look so disheveled before. His controlled demeanor has started to crack. After a few bites, I put down my fork unable to continue. The metal clinking against the porcelain plate. Gail takes it away from me and I flash her a smile thanking her. I wrap my arm around my stomach as it cramps in protest of my consumption. Christian reaches out to me in support. I put on a fake smile and dismiss his worry.
"I am going to be okay, really" I reassure him and squeeze his hand.
"Ana, don't pretend to be okay," it isn't a statement it's a demand.
"Please Christian, not now" I beg. "I just want to feel normal," my voice cracks on the last words, and tears start to sting my eyes. I press my fingers to the corners of my eyes trying to wipe them away before they spill over and take a deep breath. I am so tired of crying and I don't want to right now. Christian doesn't push the subject any harder but has to take a few deep breaths himself. I can see the storm of emotions he is feeling as well. It looks like it takes all of his willpower to focus on anything other than how I am feeling.
"I need to leave back to New York soon," Ace says placing his teacup on the counter after sucking down the last bit.
Taylor's brow furrows in concern. "With your lack of sleep?"
Ace rolls his eyes and ignores Taylor's words to him as he started to get up to leave.
"Let him do what he wants," Christian states coldly.
I have whiplash from Christian's mood swings. So gentle, concerned, and sweet to me and so cold to others. It is both irritating and flattering to me at the same time. My attention is on Ace.
"Have you not slept?" This is the second night in a row I have seen Ace sleepless
"I've just had a bit of jet lag" he tries brushing off any questions I have.
Ace picks up his suitcase and heads toward the door. Taylor stops him once again,
"Remember next time, sleep is best for a clear mind when you're doing security," Taylor says to Ace. That's why he was awake all night, just like the first night, double-checking security. Shame crosses Ace's face and he looks down toward the ground.
"That's a very good point Taylor I will keep that in mind. Thanks for all of your advice last night too" Ace's hand is on the door when I suddenly get the urge to say goodbye to him.
"Wait!" I jump off the kitchen stool and run over to him at the doorway. He stops and turns to me, a smile across his face. I wrap my arms around his waist, his frame towering over me making me feel so very small in comparison. He wraps his lanky arms around me softly.
"Thank you," I whisper.
I have no other words for him, I am thankful for him getting me away from Jack. I am thankful for him bringing me here with no questions. I am thankful for him not being overbearing as I navigated a horrible situation.
"You're very welcome Ana, we will stay in touch" he releases me from the hug with those words and leaves out the door.
I turn back towards Christian who appears flooded with anger.
"Good, that bastard is gone. Taylor, please update me when he is home," Christian orders.
"Yes, Mr. Grey" Taylor scurries out of the room back to his wing of the apartment.
Leaving Christian and me alone together. Bastard? Why was Christian so angry with Ace? Was it his usual jealousy?
"Christian why are you so mad at him?" Christian bites his tongue and clears his throat before answering me.
"Not now Anastasia," I notice how closed off he is to me, protecting me? My throat tightens as my mind goes through all the possibilities.
"Christian… was he working with Jack?" I ask softly. I regret the question before it even leaves me. The very thought giving me tunnel vision. Christian's face goes from serious to maniac laughter in a split second.
"Anastasia, do you REALLY think that I would let him in my apartment if he was working with Jack?"
audible laughs are coming out of him. He pulls me to his chest to comfort me as I recover from the thought. I feel relieved, although a bit stupid for asking the question. Of course, Christian wouldn't let him in if he has been working with Jack. With the way Christian is, he probably knows more about Ace, than even Ace knows about himself.
"No, he was not working with Jack, we just have a lot of differences of...opinions,"
I look up at Christian in confusion,
"What kind of opinions?" I want to know.
"Anastasia, I said not now, just for now please don't defy me," his voice booms and vibrates as he says the words.
I fear falling into the same routine as me obeying him. I don't want to let this go.
"Are the opinions about me?" I ask nuzzling deeper into his chest. His chest rises and falls a few times,
"Yes, Anastasia, they are about you. Don't worry about it right now though," I nod in agreement. As curious as I am, there are many things to talk about it, and I understand it can wait. I try my best to trust his words. We both have a lot of trust we need to rebuild with each-other.
Christian has to leave for the office for work, he leaves Taylor close to me all day. It eases my mind a bit in terms of feeling safe. I am wandering around the living room, running my fingers over the slick piano. I think Christian must have been up early playing. I am observing if anything in this area has changed, nothing seems to have moved. The apartment is a moment frozen in time from when I left. Curiosity gets the best of me as I go to Christian's closet. I gasp as I open the door to the walk-in closet. All the clothes he got me are still here, and more. I realize that all of my clothes from the apartment are here. I leave the closet and head straight for Taylor.
"Ms. Steele" he greets me.
"Taylor, why are all my clothes here?"
I wonder if he can even answer the question for me.
"Mr. Grey felt it was best to move your belongings here until the security risk is over. I believe he was going to inform you later this evening," Taylor looks guilty like he wasn't supposed to tell me any of this without Christian here.
"Thank you for telling me Taylor, I'll discuss this with Christian," and will I ever. I can't just move in with Christian without a discussion. I have rent I have to pay and a whole apartment to still unpack. Kate has to return to that apartment and I can't move out without discussing anything with her. That's right Kate! I hurry into the kitchen to grab my phone. I notice the missed calls from her, my mom and dad, and a recent one from Christian. I ignore Christian's call momentarily knowing I need to talk to Kate first.
I call her and she answers at the first ring. Her voice is breathless and concerned on the other end. "Ana, I need to know what's going on," Worry is lathered in every word, her voice is strained.
"I know, I know I'm sorry Kate, there has been so many things going on,"
I am ready to explain everything to her when another call comes in from Christian. I hit ignore and continue to Kate.
"Kate I- when I was in New York-Jack," I struggle to come up with words. I physically can't say the words, they fill me with too much disgust. My body shudders as memories start to bombard me. Kate waits patiently on the other end. I try to take a deep breath but it doesn't really help.
"Ana, did he hurt you?" her question leaves me speechless. Why can't I just say yes?
"Kate, can we talk about the apartment?" It's the only thing I can say and I need to give my mind a break and switch the subject. I hope Kate can piece it together.
"Christian has informed Elliot of what's going on"
"Oh," I answer.
I am angry he has told other people what has gone on before I could. It doesn't feel like his place. Kate senses my anger
"Elliot didn't tell me anything, just that I will be staying with him when we fly back so I am safe," I let out a breath I have been holding far too long. Good, he hasn't told her anything yet. I don't want Kate to be another person to look at me with pity. I am however grateful that Christian has also thought about Kate's safety.
My heart flips at his preparedness, he always has a plan for everything. Something I have always admired about him.
"So back to Jack.." Kate tries to lead me back onto the subject. I will myself to spit it out before I convince myself out of it once again.
"Jack raped me," the sentence feels foreign in my mouth. It knocks the air out of my lungs. I can tell Kate is trying to process the bomb I just dropped on her but I am also trying to process the fact that it happened.
"Oh, Ana," the sound of pity is laced in her voice. It repulses me, physically repulses me as bile rises in my throat. I don't want the pity, I don't want her to feel bad for me. I don't want any of it to exist at all. Adrenaline overflows my body,
"I need to go, Kate, I'll explain more later," I can't do this right now.
"Of course take your time Ana, call if you need anything," I hang up with Kate.
Yet another call comes from Christian and I slam my phone down on the counter. I can't bear to say any more words right now I am breathless, actually breathless. Panting to try to catch my breath and clutching the counter for support. Taylor's phone rings the moment mine stops.
"Yes, Mr. Grey?" Taylor answers, he glances at me, knowing full well I just ignored Christians phone calls.
"Yes, she is here," he pauses listening to Christian on the other end. Taylor studies my face for a moment before answering Christian. Taylor leaves to a different room out of earshot. I try my best to calm down, placing my head on the counter. With the cool tile against my burning forehead, sweat drips onto the counter. Nausea takes over my body, nothing I do to calm down is working. I move over to the stainless steel sink as my stomach rolls. I grip both sides of the sink as my body convulses and I retch. My stomach contents empty into the sink, my throat stinging and eyes burning. Tears streak down my cheeks in pain. Nausea hasn't even begun subsiding. I worry about fainting, the anxiety I am feeling is so overwhelming. I have no control over myself.
"Taylor!" I try to yell through another gag as I double over the sink. I clutch my stomach in pain and squirm. Trying to find a way to be comfortable and for the pain to stop. I can hear him run through the apartment to get to me quickly.
When he arrives in the kitchen his phone is still held to his ear and his other hand is on his gun in his right pocket. I feel pathetic for worrying him that there was a security threat. "Ms. Steele are you alright?" I look up from the sink and shake my head no as another wave of nausea causes me to retch.
"Yes Sir, I can take her to the hospital," Taylor says to Christian on the other end of the phone he looks at me. Fear jolts me,
"No please, no hospitals" I reject the idea.
I say it loud enough for Christian to hear on the other end. My anxiety only intensifies as the thought of another cold hospital with doctors poking and prodding at me. Taylor sees the fear in my eyes and is about to tell Christian when the door flings open. Christian's arrival is urgent as he rushes to me in the kitchen. I'm confused about how he got here so quickly
"I was on the way when you wouldn't answer my calls already," he says answering my question. Taylor places the phone back in his pocket and nods in Christian's direction.
"I'll call a doctor for a house call sir."
Christian gently tugs me towards him forcing me to look into his stormy eyes. Concern sketched into his face, brows furrowed.
"Anastasia-" he is caught off guard as I retch a final time trying to turn away from him. Blood pours out of my mouth some of it splattering onto his nice white button-down shirt. I feel guilty.
"Oh, god, I am so sorry," Christians firm arms are around me steadying my quivering legs as I threaten to collapse. He is unbothered by the blood but I already knew that. He takes a large pan from a cupboard beside my legs, still holding me with the other hand. He lifts me into his arms. And brings me over to the couch with the pan.
"Use this if you feel sick, the doctor should be here soon," He takes my hand and presses it firmly against his full lips. The gesture calms me down instantly. I stroke his cheek with my fingers tenderly and his face sinks into my hand, closing his eyes. A knock at the door causes Christian's eyes to open and he's off the floor and across the room in record time. A doctor enters the room and greets me, he waves Christian out of the room but I stiffen at the thought.
"Can he please stay?" I ask, the doctor sighs before agreeing. Christian bends down at my side as we explain to the doctor what is going on with me. The doctor gently presses a gloved hand over my bare stomach causing a reactive gag from me. After a few questions and examination, the doctor concludes.
"Well, Ms. Steele it looks like you have a pretty bad ulcer. I'll send a blood test to our lab to see if there's anything else going on but it appears to be worry ulcers," he says gatherings up all of his supplies.
"When did you start having stomach problems?" he asks.
I gulp and look over at Christian afraid of his reaction.
"About two weeks ago" I answer.
Christian hangs his head and squeezes my hand harder.
"Well there is a medication I will prescribe to you, but a lot of it is about lifestyle, you have to have less stress. What you described earlier also sounds like a panic attack I would recommend a therapist," I am taken aback by his statement. I had never even thought of seeing a therapist before. I don't feel ready to announce all of my problems to a stranger. Christian notices my uneasiness and answers the doctor for me. "We'll keep that in mind" he smiles at the doctor and instructs Taylor to see him out.
Christian is unable to hide his frustration any longer once were alone again. He begins pacing in front of me, hands pulling at his hair.
"Fuck Anastasia," I bite my lip and avoid meeting his eyes. I don't feel like being lectured right now.
"Did you even try to take care of yourself?" he throws his hands in the air in frustration. I am offended by his accusation but realize he is right. I decide being honest is the best thing for us right now.
"I didn't want to," I admit, my voice is small, barely a whisper.
He abruptly stops pacing and locks eyes with me. I can see the pain spread over his face as he thinks of a way to respond to me.
"What do you mean you didn't want to?" he asks jaw clenched barely opening his mouth to pronounce the words.
"I didn't want to, I didn't feel like I deserved to," Christian's eyes darken he puts his hand under my chin.
"Don't. You. Ever. Say. That. Again" Each word is spoken slowly as it slides off his tongue, each with deepening intensity.
"Do you know how much it hurts me to hear you say that?" he continues. He grabs my arms holding me at a distance so I have to look him face to face.
"I do now," I answer.
His eyes slide down to look at one of my hands he is holding. He rolls my hand over in his, the scar from Jack's cigarette is hot white against my skin. He holds my hand closer to his eyes pulling me to better lighting. I don't have to explain what it is to him, matching white scars are laid all over his chest. He shakes his head and places my hand between both of his squeezing gently.
"There are so many things I want to ask you," he says contemplatively.
"So many things I wish I could just take away from you" his voice breaks in pain.
"So many things I wish didn't happen to you," he finishes.
"I wish it didn't happen either" I respond softly.
"There are so many things I want to ask you too Christian," He nods in agreement.
"In time" he answers.
"For now, I really want you to heal, and I really want you to think about seeing Dr. Flynn," I groan at his words.
"I don't want to see a therapist," I cross my arms in fake defiance. Christian chuckles as he responds
"Yeah, well I didn't want to either, you just have to sometimes," I ponder what Christian was like before seeing Dr. Flynn for a moment. Was he even more intense?
"Have you been seeing Dr. Flynn?" I ask Christian as we move towards his bedroom.
"Yeah a bit more than usual actually," he ushers me to the master bathroom attached to the bedroom. I frown,
"Because of me?" Christian sucks in a breath,
"Yes Anastasia because of you," he turns on the shower as I unbutton his shirt I've been wearing all day. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look like a zombie and I quickly turn away to avoid my reflection. Christian approaches behind me kissing my naked shoulder. "Don't be ashamed of your body Anastasia you're beautiful," a shiver runs all the way down my spine as he nibbles on my ear lobe. I moan in response to his touch. Oh, how I have missed this. Christian undresses, his shirt splattered in blood falling to the floor, he kicks his jeans off. His erection is stiff and I gasp at the sight of his naked body.
He looks glorious, better than I even remember. Longing and need pulses between my legs. I reach out to touch him but he grabs my hands before I have the chance.
"So ready for me Ana," I notice the shortening of my name on his lips.
"Not yet, we have so much to talk about before I do anything to you," he smiles, and my face shifts to disappointment. I want him so badly that it hurts, but I agree to wait. We climb into the shower, hot steam surrounding our bodies. Neither of us can take our eyes off of each other bodies. Christian's eyes drift down my body and the mood changes as he realizes how bruised my thighs are. He steps toward me and runs his palm down my body. Running it over my collarbone, down my nipples, and each thigh. His lips are a tight line, I can see the vein in his head pulsing in concentration.
"Are you examining me?" I ask stepping away from him. I feel unsure of myself, and wonder what he is thinking. I know he is thinking about what happened to me, but I can't read his expression. Sadness? Anger? Disgust? My lip trembles and I chew on it. Is he disgusted by me now?
"I'm admiring you, Ana, you're perfect, stop doubting everything," he teases me. I giggle feeling a lot better by his explanation.
"Can't help but also admiring you myself Mr. Grey," I trace my hand over his shoulder and down between his thighs. He shudders in response and a throaty moan escapes his lips. He grabs my hand before I can continue once again,
"Please believe me I want to," he says. He presses his body against me, holding my hands above my head as he thrusts his tongue into my mouth. He pulls back leaving me wanting as I try to grind my sex into his erection.
"I need you," I plead with him.
"It's taking all I have in me not to fuck you up against this wall right here Ana, but I have to, you'll thank me later, baby," he plants a small kiss and gives me a wink. I groan in frustration.
"Better be worth it," I tease back at him but I have no doubt it will be, knowing Christian.
