The orange hue of light covers the room as I sit upon a plush white chair near the window watching small rain droplets splatter down the pain. Dr. Flynn sits across from me, tapping his notebook with his pen. I kept my promise to Christian about going to therapy. I didn't think it was the best idea to see the same therapist that he had, however, he insisted Dr. Flynn was the best. I have to admit that he was right about that. The last month I have seen Dr. Flynn four times a week. The first few sessions were beyond overwhelming. I had to reopen the wounds of everything that happened with Jack. Therapy made me feel vulnerable and scared, and it gave me just that much more admiration for Christian for enduring those kinds of feelings for years. My memory has stopped suppressing what happened with Jack, I can recall in detail what happened which will help with the trial that is quickly approaching. This session with Flynn is going to be different today, today Christian will be joining us. I want to be as open with him and our relationship going forward as I can. Today Flynn will mediate as I tell Christian what I remember, how I feel, the fears I have, and how our relationship can exist going forward. The relationship we have had since I have come back has been distant. Christian asks how I am feeling but never answers how he is feeling when I ask him. I know he hasn't been alright, he is up all hours of the night, he says it's because he has been closing on some companies overseas but it has to be more than that. The calm cool and collected CEO attitude has been laid on a bit too thick lately, he never wavers, never stops worrying about me, he never cracks, and my worry is that kind of pressure will cause him to combust. We haven't had sex either, he's too scared to touch me now, too worried it will trigger me into horrible memories. What he isn't understanding is that it's making it worse for me, harder for me to go back a normal, harder to move past what happened. Gentle tapping on the door stirs me from these worries.
"Come in Christian," Flynn says without looking up from his notepad, still tapping away. My eyes flutter to the doorway and my heart rate quickens as our eyes meet. Christian, no matter how exhausted, no matter how he is feeling is always looking so perfect. Dark navy denim fitting across his legs perfectly, white button-down shirt with the top button open.
"John" Christian greets him and shakes his hand sitting in the chair next to me. I start wringing my hands back and forth unable to stay still. Christian eyes don't leave me.
"Is everything alright? Why are we here?" He asks, his voice has a hint of nervousness.
"Ahh always straight to the point" Flynn states with a light chuckle.
Christian isn't laughing or finding the humor, his eyes are dead serious as he looks between me and Flynn. I clear my throat to steady my voice and take his hands into mine.
"I want us to have a discussion about our relationship and everything that has happened. I want to do it here with Flynn to mediate." Christian looks a little displeased but submits, he throws his body back against the leather chair and sighs.
"Are you leaving me?" his eyes search mine for an answer.
"Jesus no Christian!" this is why we have Flynn.
A sigh of relief courses through him. I am unsure of where to start and I look to Flynn hoping he will help me. Thankfully it doesn't take long before he does.
"Okay, Ana, Christian," He gestures his hand between us without looking up.
"I want you both to explain to me, your version of what happened when Ana left Escala," I nod, and Christian motions for me to speak first.
"I asked Christian to show me how bad it could get. When he hit me, I panicked. I couldn't understand how someone would want to hurt someone else and get off on it. That actually isn't the part that made me leave though. I left Christian because I told him I was falling in love with him and he told me it was wrong." That part still hurts me. My eyes start to glisten with tears, the rejection still stings. Christian is sitting straight up, frozen. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before words make their way to the surface.
"I didn't know Ana... I didn't know that was why you left," Flynn is scribbling away and interrupts.
"Before that Christian, I want you to say your version, and then I want both of you to come to an understanding of what happened, "Christian nods.
"Well Flynn, you know better than anyone else I was infatuated with Ana, and that scared me, terrified me really," Christian pauses scrunching his eyebrows together in thought,
"I thought I could make it another contracted relationship. I thought if I got her as my submissive that I would get it out of my system so to speak, and not have to feel anything I wasn't in control of." Flynn nods agreeing with him.
"The night Ana left me, she wanted me to show her how bad the pain could get. I was excited when she asked me to and didn't hold back. I didn't go over the safe words with her, I didn't prepare her. I just took control and loved how it felt to have that power over someone again. When Ana told me she loved me, I didn't want it yet, I didn't want someone to feel that way towards me. I felt undeserving" Guilt spreads across Christian's face and he waits for me to react with worry-filled eyes. I don't react, I know of his control issues and have talked in-depth with Flynn about them. My conversations with Flynn has given me a sense of compassion and understanding for Christian and his BDSM lifestyle.
"Do you two see that real issue now, it wasn't the sexual aspect of your relationship it was the emotional disagreement you had that night," Flynn's words make us both nod in agreement. I wasn't one-hundred percent on board with being belted, but he's right. That wasn't the real problem that night.
"I didn't know you didn't feel like you were good enough for me," I say softly to Christian.
"No one is good enough for you Ana, but especially not me," the calm and collected Christian is breaking right before my eyes.
"It seems you both admire each other so greatly, that it is an impossible feat to feel good enough for the other person. Ana, why do you not feel good enough for Christian?" A blush spreads across my cheeks, I expected Christian to feel vulnerable this session not me.
"It's obvious, isn't it? I mean look at him. Successful, sexy, brilliant, kind, he participates in charity events in his free time. Everyone who knows him loves him, everyone who doesn't, wants to."
"And what do you think about yourself, Ana?" I bite my lip and look at Christian and Flynn and back down to my feet. The question has caught me by surprise, what do I think about myself?
"I think I'm stupid, boring, and selfish" I finally answer and swallow the lump that it's in my throat. Christian places his hand under my chin forcing me to look up at him.
"None of those things Ana, you are none of them." his words are forceful and sincere,
"You are so far from boring, so sexy, and so selfless, you have opened my eyes to a world I didn't know I could be part of. I am so grateful for you coming into my life, no matter what happens. I feel things with you...I finally feel them" his words cause tears to fall down my cheeks, he wipes them with the pad of his thumb. Flynn is smiling at our progress.
"Christian, what do you think about yourself? What makes you feel unworthy of Ana's love?" Christian's body tenses uncomfortably.
"I'm fucked up, my past is too heavy, too many skeletons, not enough closet space. I failed her from the start, I made her cry, I made her change. I took this innocent beautiful women and corrupted her I could never be enough for her love," My heart stops, my poor fifty, he hasn't failed me at all, he is more than enough for me.
"You are enough for me, you are the only one who will ever be enough for me," my voice is shaking
"Do you really feel that way?"
"Of course I do! That time without you, it was the worst I have ever felt," I feel pathetic saying it out loud but he needs to hear it. Christians face ices over.
"Christian how did you feel when Ana left?" Flynn's voice rings between us. This is why Flynn needs to be here. He would never answer if I had asked him that, he'd distract me.
"It was the worst I have ever felt. Nothing that has ever happened to me, physical and emotional abuse, being orphaned, nothing compared to how I felt when I lost her," The honesty is painful but makes my heart sing, we are getting somewhere. I can't stop myself as I press my lips to Christians, electricity igniting between us. That same intimacy we had before reigniting. His hands tangle into my hair as he pulls me towards him. We separate, breathless, and embrace tightly. I feel Flynn's eyes on us and feel self-conscious. After a moment I sit back in my chair knowing the worst part of this is to come.
"I think it's best if you lead here Ana," Flynn announces to me. I was afraid of that, I don't know where to begin after this.
"And Christian feel free to ask her any questions but make sure you let her finish her thoughts first,"
"I will," he promises.
I rub my palms across my jeans nervously.
"I am going to talk about Jack," both of them wince at the mere mention of his name.
"Can I ask something first?" I look over to Christian and nod,
"Why did you trust him, Ana? Why did you get on that plane?" I have already gone over this part with Flynn but am still ashamed to say it to Christian.
"I was lonely, so painfully lonely Christian. Kate was gone, it was a new city, I didn't bond with any co-workers, I hadn't ever felt heartbreak before. I just wanted someone, anyone to talk to, anything to distract me,"
"Fucking dammit," Christian says with anger and disappointment, he bites his tongue and lets me continue.
"I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind he wasn't a good person, but, part of me wanted that,"
"What do you mean you wanted that?" I bite my lip again,
"I cared so little about myself at that point, searching for anything to numb the pain, that if he hurt me, I just felt like I deserved it," I say and bow my head.
"Ana, that is ridiculous, why!? because of me?!" Christian gets up with so much force he knocks the chair on the ground and starts to pace.
"Stay calm Christian, she needs you to be calm," Christian ignores Flynn's warning and waits for me to answer. I wished I had a good enough answer for him but I simply don't.
"It has little to do with you Christian and a lot about how I feel about myself,"
"But you felt that way because of me?"
"No, it's always been there. When I was with you, that feeling stopped, and when we were apart it just rubber-banded back" and that's true, it has always been part of me, feeling unworthy and average. I never got along that well with anyone in my adolescence, I never got that close to my parents. I never felt like I would amount to anything. Knowing what I know now about my life, about being adopted and abandoned, it all makes a little more sense. Christian kneels down to me,
"I made it stop?" his voice is hopeful,
"Yes, you did, and you do," I smile at him.
"Christian I need you to know a feel more things," I say and he gets up from the floor and starts pacing again. Refusing to take a seat.
"I can now remember everything that happened with Jack. I have stopped blocking it out, and that's a good thing, both for court, and for me to heal. I need you to know some things because I think it involves you now. When Jack was assaulting me," I have to pause as a sickening chill runs through my body. Muscle memory is a bitch, I can still feel his hands on my body. Goosebumps line my body.
"When Jack was assaulting me he mentioned he knew about your lifestyle. Jack tied me up, and blinded me, and gagged me, and I was crying he said.
"What, is it only okay when Christian does it?" bile rises in my throat as I recall those words whispered in my ear. Mr. Cool calm and collected finally implodes. Christian is pulling his hair out rocking his head in his hands. Christian heads towards a bookcase near the corner of Flynn's office and throws books off of it. His fists clench as he stands shaking violently.
"Fuck, fuck fuck!" his scream echoes through the room. Flynn isn't phased at all, I wonder how many times he has encountered a Christian like this.
"Christian, I'm sorry" It's the only thing I can think of saying to him. The rage evaporates in his body as soon as I close my lips. He faces me,
"Ana, please, fuck why are you sorry?! I don't care if he knows about my past. I care that he hurt you. I care that I didn't stop it. Fuck why couldn't I just stop it?! I was supposed to, I was supposed to protect you always and I didn't. I fucked up, it was too late. I am sorry Ana, I am the one who is sorry" he collapses on the ground. It hadn't even crossed my mind how much Christian was blaming himself. I have been too worried about him thinking I was damaged goods.
"Christian it is detrimental for you to realize it isn't your fault that this happened to Ana," Flynn says softly.
Christian surprises us both with a dark chuckle,
"Never, I could never"
"Christian, please" I beg. Christian looks up at me, his knees pressed into the carpet, he looks defeated.
"Ana, I should have tried harder. I should have had more security on you. I should have tried to reach out to you and stop all of this. I wanted to Ana, I tried so hard to contact you. I had Taylor watch your apartment and work and Jack just slipped the radar, we didn't know you'd leave to New York. Your phone was untraceable and the lawyers told me to back off. Not like security would have helped clearly. Others had eyes on you and they still let it happen. I would have never let it happen, fuck!
I stand to meet Christian, and place my hand on his chest, he doesn't flinch and he doesn't move away from me. I can feel his heart thump under his shirt.
"I don't blame you, Christian, at all. Please believe me," he takes a deep breath and wraps his arms around me.
"I am so sorry Anna, I am so fucking sorry," sobs wrack his body. I have never seen him actually cry like this. I rub my hands on his back. I pull back and hold his shoulders,
"We can't blame ourselves for these things anymore, I need you to trust me, Christian. I need you to trust yourself,"
"He should have stopped it,"
"What did you mean he?" I ask when he calms down a bit.
"It's not my place"
"Honesty is detrimental here Christian," Flynn says, he has been so silent I have forgotten he is behind us just scribbling away in his own world.
"Fine," he says through gritted teeth.
"Ace, he had security on you but you guys came a day early and he didn't know until it was too late, but he should have kept up," My mind spins, what? Why?
"Why would Ace have security on me?" Christian clenches his jaw tighter and digs around for his phone in his pocket.
"The bastard can tell you himself," he says. Christian dials Ace's contact and puts it on speaker. Flynn adjusts in his seat and fixates on us. Oh no, that can't be a good sign. The phone only rings once before Ace picks up.
"Christian?" Ace's voice comes through confused.
"You need to tell Ana, right now, I can't do this anymore" Christian states simply.
"Tell me what?" I am starting to get irritated with these secrets.
Ace sighs dramatically on the other end.
"You can't be serious right now"
"Pretty fucking serious" Christian hisses.
"Do you have no self-control?" the accusation makes me giggle, oh he has no idea.
"Please Ace, it's not my secret to tell" A huff of air comes through the phone as Ace takes a deep breath.
"Alright then, Ana are you sitting down this is a lot," I steady my breathing and sit down, cradling the phone close to me.
"Yes, I am now," I say. The anticipation of his words are killing me, I just need to know what is going on.
"Okay, good. Ana, do you know what my last name is?" I squint and try to recall him telling me. I don't think he ever told me, but maybe my memory is still healing.
"No"
"My name is Ace Appleton" my breath hitches in my throat, I audibly gasp. My birth family, their last name is Appleton. Christian and Flynn are both at my side trying to make sure I am okay. All the air leaves my body. I feel like I've been sucker-punched in the stomach.
"Are you my brother?" is all I can manage. I feel excitement flood my body, I have siblings.
"Yes Ana, your half brother, we have the same mom," my mind flashes to the plane with Ace, him telling me he didn't know if his mom was alive. He doesn't know if our mom is alive.
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions"
"How did you find me?" I finally manage to ask.
"The stories of my mom that my dad told me growing up didn't add up. A few months ago I invested in a company that does DNA research. I was able to pull files on anyone who was a DNA match to me, it's not legal but I've pulled some strings. It's the only way for me to find anyone. The adoptions that happened were all kept secret, paid off, and covered up by foreign governments.
"Why?" I ask. Ace sighs.
"Your guess is as good as mine, I've spent years trying to piece this together. There is a lot of money involved,"
"You said adoptions?"
"There are other siblings, I don't know how many right now," he admits, I can hear how disappointed he is that he doesn't know more.
"There's more Ana," I take a deep breath. How could there possibly be more?
"We know Jack is involved but I would like to save that for when I am there," My chest aches at his name, Jack has become the center of everything vile in my life.
"You're coming here?"
"Yes, this weekend when I was supposed to go over all this with you. SOMEONE just had to let it slip" Ace teasing Christian at a time like this makes me smile. Christian looks displeased and doesn't take the teasing lightly.
"I think that's enough information for now" Christian interrupts. I agree, my mind I spinning. We say our goodbyes to Ace. Flynn looks out of his zone, I thought he was unshakable but he clearly hasn't heard or seen anything like this before.
"Ana, we will go over this in the coming weeks I imagine," Flynn says. I don't have words to say to him right now. I try to calm my breathing, my mouth is dry from hyperventilating. We end our session with Flynn promising to come back next week after the trial.
We head back to Escala, I am exhausted from the session, my mind is buzzing with how much we went over. I fall onto the master bed. Christian unbuttons his shirt and lays next to me, nuzzling me to his chest.
"That was a lot," I say, Christian is looking down at me with sympathy filled eyes. He squeezes me closer,
"Do you think I'm fucked up Christian?" I blurt out. Christian cocks his eyebrow at me, a playful gleam In his eye.
"You have got to be kidding me, Ana, with my history? I have no right to judge you, I have no different opinion of you," I feel so much relief with his answer. I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.
"You don't think I'm damaged beyond repair?"
"Never Ana, I have guilt for not protecting you. I do not think any less of you, I am not any less attracted to you. In fact, I am more connected to you now. I know what it is like to lose you, I know I never want that ever again,"
"Then why won't you touch me?" tears fall down my cheeks. Feelings of rejections flood my body, his body tenses against mine. I am waiting for his answer when he pulls me away from him and smashes his lips against mine. His tongue begs for entry against my bottom lip and I accept it eagerly. He pins me under him as he undresses me, tugging my shirt over my head, unclasping my bra, peeling off my jeans and panties My hands slide down to his jeans, I slide them down his waist with his underwear. His stiff erection greets me and I moan feeling him in my hands. Christian's mouth travels down my neck and to my nipples, he gently suckles one into his mouth. This makes me buckle my hips against him, begging for friction. I feel moisture soaking my slit. I need him so badly. He positions himself at my opening and slides into me. I scream out in pleasure as he thrusts into me and bites my lip.
"You know I can't control myself when you do that," Christian says in a throaty growl.
He takes my lip between his teeth and tugs gently. I respond by pulling his mouth back to mine kissing him deeply. I wrap my legs around his waist as he deepens his thrusts. He pulls his mouth away from mine a deep moan escaping his lips, his breath is hot on my neck. I feel my core tightening as I wiggle beneath him, he nibbles on my ear still moaning,
"Anastasia" he whispers into my ear between thrusts.
"Christian,"
"Anastasia, I love you," my breath catches in surprise and my body responds before my voice can. Every muscle in my body spasms as I pull him deeper into me. Tidal waves of pleasure wrack my body as I tighten around his cock. My desperate release granted to me.
"I love you too Christian, I love you!" I scream out my orgasm wracking my body, his body quivers above me in pleasure as he finds his release in me at the same time. He lets out a throaty moan and holds me as close to him as he can.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," he says over and over. I wrap my arms around his naked back.
"I love you too,"
and nothing else matters except us, at this moment, right now.
