A soft beam of light awoke him, and it took him a moment to recognize that he was home in his palace chambers, comfortable in his own bed. He blinked, sending his magic out to close the shutter, and casting the room into shadow once more. He closed his eyes again, shifting, before becoming aware of the weight enfolded in his arms. His eyelids flickered back open, and he glanced down to see her nestled in his embrace. He tensed his grasp and felt her shift closer into his warmth.
This had to be a dream.
He dropped his face into the curve of her neck and inhaled, adoring her scent. Her smokey brown curls brushed his face, and he relished the feeling of her weight in his arms. He had missed this. They had been in the city four nights, but he had promised himself he wouldn't let this transpire when they were in Corus. There were too many wagging tongues in the court.
Numair closed his eyes and wondered how he had allowed this.
He shouldn't have let it happen...he knew that. He should have protested. He should have been adamant in his refusal when she had asked him to stay and see the sunrise with her.
If he was honest with himself, he had protested, albeit weakly.
"I really don't think that's a good idea magelet," he laughed, hoping she couldn't hear the catch in his voice. "Besides, I won't fit in your tiny bed." He absently pushed a curl back behind her ear. Another fell forward.
"Then let's go sleep in yours." Her voice was soft, sleepy, and completely unguarded. Her face was alight from the Beltane fires. He didn't know if the warmth he felt was from the flame, the small amount of ale he had consumed, or from her body pressed close to his. He was defenseless to refuse her. He didn't want to. He couldn't think of anything he desired more than to take her up to his quarters. So, he did.
Nothing had happened. They had crawled into his bed and slept. He wasn't so foolish to believe that this meant anything more than friendship to her. He knew that she saw it the same as sharing a bedroll on the road. Practical. Comforting. Warm. She had explained to him in Dunlath that packs slept together, and she had told him many times that he was her pack. He knew that was all this was to her.
But to him...this was so very different from sleeping together on the road. Here in his quarters, in his bed, they were truly alone. There were no animals huddled at their feet. There was no Kitten cuddled between them. There was no chance of immortals attacking, pages interrupting, or strangers happening across their campsite. He pulled her tighter against him, her back pressed against his length. He felt her every breath as if it was his own, but still he wanted her closer. She shivered slightly, and he tucked the wool blanket around them, toying with the idea of sending his magic out to relight the hearth. He wanted to stay here, like this, forever.
"She loves you..." Onua's words danced through his mind, and he wished he could believe what the woman had told him just yesterday.
He paced back and forth outside her door. He had knocked twice, and she hadn't answered. If she was in there she would answer. At least, he thought she would. He hadn't seen her since they got back to Corus three days ago. He had kept his distance, hoping she would seek him out, but she hadn't. It had been difficult, and his nerves were frayed, but he hadn't wanted to seem needy. She deserved some time without him. There had been too many comments of late...comments about how inseparable they were.
He had lasted the three days, but he couldn't take it any longer. He needed to lay eyes on her. He needed to see her smile. He needed to hear her voice. He needed her.
Now, it was Beltane. He didn't want to think about where she was today. Yet, he couldn't seem to think of anything else. His imagination was running rampant. It was putting him in a foul mood. He rapped on the door again.
A dog whined, and he looked down to see Tahoi sitting at his feet, tail kicking up puffs of dust as it fanned behind him. He glanced up to see Onua leaning against a stall, pitchfork in hand, smiling at him. He frowned, "Have you seen Daine? I've been looking for her for hours." The words came out clipped and irritated.
"Don't you have some sort of way to track her? I figured by now the two of you would have some kind of system. You're attached at the hip most of the time." She pushed her shoulder off the wall, and walked towards him, bending to scratch Tahoi behind the ear. The dog stopped whining.
Numair blanched, grasping at his wrist, despite knowing that the bracelet and locket were invisible.
"Going to ask her to be your May queen?" The laughter in her voice made him ache. He knew it was ridiculous. Here he was, a grown mage, pining for her like some adolescent apprentice.
"It isn't like that Onua." He tried to keep the longing note out of his voice, but knew he had failed. She straightened, looking up at him, and he hated the pity he saw in her eyes.
"I know Numair...but that doesn't mean you wouldn't like it to be." Her voice was soft, sympathetic, and made him feel worse.
"She sees me as a friend." he inhaled, sliding his back down against the stall wall facing Daine's door until he was sitting directly across from it. "I'm her teacher, nothing more..." he looked down in shame. "She's so young. She..."
Onua held her hand out to stop his objection, and then took a seat beside him. She sighed. "You make her feel safe Numair. I don't think anything or anyone else has accomplished that since Galla." She rubbed her palms across the lap of her breeches, leaving streaks of dust and dirt. "She's given you her heart Numair, even if she doesn't recognize it yet...don't break it."
"Onua. I...I don't want to hurt her" He didn't know if it was caution he heard in his own voice, or yearning. "Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to be around her."
"Numair." A small smile played at the edges of the woman's mouth. "She's the best thing you will ever have. So, if you are the one she chooses to let in... then don't shut her out." She looked towards the closed door. "She has always had trouble letting people in. Even now she won't tell me things." She shook her head, expecting his protest. "It's okay, after all she has been through, I don't expect her to fully trust anyone." A sad look flitted across her face. "But she does trust you Numair. When you walk into a room her entire being comes alive." She placed her small strong hand on his shoulder. "You love her. I can hear it in the way you speak to her. I can see it in the way you look at her...in the way you touch her. You love her when her entire life has tried to convince her that no one possibly could." A tear slid down the woman's suntanned cheek. Numair pretended not to notice. "Thats why she loves you, because you love her like that."
"Where is she Onua?" he heard the desperation in his voice.
The K'mir stood, patting the mage's shoulder. Her eyes shifted away from his, and she exhaled. "That clerk Perin was asking after her a few hours ago, when we were foaling that grey mare of Raoul's." She paused, "I haven't seen her since."
He scowled and the knot in his stomach cramped. He felt like crying. Instead, he stood and walked away, aimlessly wandering into the Beltane evening.
She had found him there, sitting on the hill outside the stables.
He threaded her fingers into his, and brushed his lips across her temple. Her breathing hitched, but then evened out. She remained asleep.
Last night he couldn't think of anything he had wanted more then to spend the night with her in his rooms. Now he knew there was one thing he wanted more. He wanted them to be her rooms too. He wanted for it to be her bed...their bed. He wanted to wake up every morning like this. He didn't want her only to sleep here. He wanted her to live here. With him. To be his.
Not his friend. Not his Student. His wife.
That wouldn't ever happen if kept allowing this.
If he let this continue, he knew he would cross a line. He couldn't hold her this close, and not be tempted. He wouldn't do that to her. He knew a man of his age and reputation could so easily manipulate someone like her. If he allowed this to continue, he would manipulate her without even intending to.
As much as he wanted her...he didn't want her like that. As much as he loved her...he didn't want to love her like that.
"She loves you..."
Daine turned in his grasp, still asleep, and cuddled into his chest. He threaded his fingers into her hair, and bent again to kiss her forehead.
"I won't do this to you anymore Sweetling." he whispered. "I love you too much." They wouldn't share a bedroll again. He didn't think he could refrain from ever touching her, but he wouldn't allow himself the freedom of the last few months. He inhaled her scent, wanting to memorize the feel of her in his arms. He wasn't going to allow this anymore. He would keep his distance.
He would have this morning...and that would have to be enough.
