Draco is awoken in the middle of the night on Monday, by a rattling noise, which is coming from the corridor outside of Draco's bedroom. As he has work in the morning, he and Harry are staying at his house. Draco is surprised that it hasn't woken Harry, but then Harry has been sleeping rather soundly the past few nights, presumably as he is still tired from Wednesday night.

There is a loud thump from the corridor and Harry jerks blearily awake. Draco grabs his wand off of the beside table.

"What is it?" Harry whispers.

"I don't know," Draco whispers back. There's another thump. Draco frowns. It sounds like it's coming from inside of a cupboard. Had Greg gotten a pet that he hadn't told them about? Harry picks up his wand as well and they creep into the corridor.

"Lumos," Draco whispers and they peer through the wand light. The thumping noise is most certainly coming from the cupboard that's tucked under the eaves. Harry motions towards it and Draco nods. Harry flicks his wand and the doors of the cupboard fly open.

Draco is not sure what he was expecting, but it is certainly not what comes bouncing out.

"What?" he says dumbly, staring at the book that is now somehow crab walking its way over to them. It's the Reliquary. Only, it has pages again.

"I thought you said the pages disappeared," Harry says, peering at it.

"They did."

"Then what are these pages?" Harry lowers his wand as the book is clearly not a threat. Draco walks over to it and scoops it up. There are fewer pages than when he first read it.

"I think they're new," Draco says. "Like, it's updated itself." The book flaps its cover at him and he nearly drops it in his shock.

"It looks like it wants you to read it," Harry says.

"Shouldn't someone else read it?" Draco asks but Harry shakes his head.

"You're the Reliquary, Draco. You need to read it."

"But if I weren't the Reliquary," Draco protests. "Then our relationship wouldn't have to be hidden." He can't quite keep the whine out of his voice. Harry's face softens.

"I know," he says. "I'm sorry. But it was designed to be read by one person and one person alone, and that's you now. I'm not even sure it would let me if I tried." He reaches a hand out to take the Reliquary and it snaps at him, thereby proving his point.

"So that's it? For the rest of my life, I'm just going to be this encyclopedia of knowledge?" Draco's shoulders slump. He shuffles back over to the bed and sits down heavily on it. "What if I don't want to? What if I just want to be a normal person? With a normal boyfriend?"

"I'm sorry, Draco," Harry says, sitting down next to him. He puts an arm around him but Draco shrugs him off.

"I don't like keeping secrets from people. I absolutely hate it. Sixth year was the worst for me because I couldn't tell anyone what I was up to, aside from Greg and Vince. I pushed people away rather than lie to them. I don't want to do that for the rest of my life."

"Well," Harry says slowly. "Greg thinks we're dating. You can talk to him about our relationship."

"Greg is dating Pansy," Draco points out.

"What about Hannah?" Draco chews on his lip for a moment before a slowly nods.

"I could tell Hannah. Not that I can tell her our relationship wasn't real before, but-"

"-I know what you mean," Harry says, saving Draco from having to explain further. "And," he adds. "You have me." He leans in and kisses Draco on the cheek. He is rewarded with a small smile.

"I guess I should read this then," Draco says. "You can go back to sleep."

"Are you sure? I can stay up with you."

"No," Draco says. "You should sleep." Harry nods and then makes his way back to his side of the bed. Draco turns on his bedside light and props up his pillows before leaning back on them. The book gives a little shiver of anticipation in his hands. He sighs and Harry snuggles up next to him, draping an arm over Draco's lap. Draco looks down at him and smiles. Then he opens up the Reliquary and is lost to its words for the rest of the night.

"There have been some developments while you have been away," Pansy says as soon as Draco walks into Flourish and Blotts on Tuesday morning.

"Nice to see you too," Draco says. "So glad we were able to bring that international crime family in for you."

"Yes, yes," Pansy says, waving off Draco's comment. "Well done you. But we have bigger mandrakes to pot." He sighs.

"We haven't even been back at work a day."

"Oh, come off it, Draco," Pansy snaps. "You've basically had a month long vacation." It's true so Draco does not argue, though he wants to protest that the last few days of said vacation had been spent fucking the heir to the Battaglia family, and the emotional turmoil that went with it, while also trying to stay alive. Not to mention the Luczkowski dinner. He can still see all the green and red flashes of light when he closes his eyes. He suppresses a shudder. Now is not the time to talk about that. He is sure they will have a full debrief with Granger once his day is done at the bookstore and they can talk about it then.

"Fine," he says. "Tell me what's been going on."

"I can't." Draco narrows his eyes and glares at her.

"What the hell do you mean 'you can't'?"

"Civilians."

"Right," he says. "Then why mention it."

"So you'll be prepared," she snaps. "Did anything spark in the newspaper this morning?"

"Oh shit," he says. "I completely forgot." He had been so tired from waking up to read the Reliquary's updates that all he had done when he got down to the kitchen was sip coffee like a zombie. Now it is Pansy's turn to glare at Draco. "I'll do it in my first break."

"Go do it now," Pansy hisses at him, but then Big Dick comes over and monopolizes Draco's time. He shrugs helplessly at Pansy as Big Dick leads him back to the stockroom.

"Draco," Big Dick all but wails. "It's been a nightmare without you. Not that I begrudge your vacation - it's important to have breaks after all. But I put Jamie in charge of the stockroom while you were out. And, uh, as you can see - it hasn't gone well."

This is an understatement. There are are empty boxes scattered around the room, and haphazard piles of books. All of the organization Draco had worked so hard on, had been ruined in the short span of a month. He finds himself wanting to hex Jamie. Instead, he takes a deep breath and says,

"Don't worry about it. I'll fix it." Big Dick goes from looking like he is about to cry out of sadness to looking like he is about to cry out of joy.

"Thank you, Draco," he says. He claps Draco a couple of times on the shoulder and then leaves the room. Draco scrunches up his face in frustration as the door closes behind his boss. He allows himself thirty seconds of irritation before he takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders and surveys the room. One thing is for certain. He is going to need help.

He pulls the door ajar and sticks his head out. He spots Pansy and jerks his head to indicate that she should come over. She scowls at him but makes her way across the store.

"What?" she asks once she is in front of him.

"I need your help."

"What did I say about you not being allowed to boss me around?"

"Please?"

"Ugh, fine. But only because we're friends." She follows him into the stockroom. "Merlin, what happened in here?"

"Jamie, apparently."

"And we have to reorganize everything?"

"Yes."

"Fuck Jamie."

"Quite. But don't worry. I remember how I left it. I just need your help getting started if you want me to read the paper before midday."

"I see," Pansy says. "So I have to help you because you failed to do your actual job?"

"Pansy, the security of the magical community is potentially at stake here," he says. Her mouth twists in irritation but she nods.

"Fine. What do you want me to do." He draws out a quick sketch of where each genre of book goes. She nods once more at him and then gets started. While she sifts through the pile of books, Draco pulls out a copy of today's Daily Prophet and starts to flip through it.

They work in silence for twenty minutes. Draco is starting to think there will be nothing in the paper when he spots it.

It's only a small comment about the Pride of Portree's Keeper, Winola Swinn, having missed a game on Saturday, but Draco sparks and suddenly knows that she missed the game because she had been kidnapped. He goes through the rest of the paper just in case there is anything else but there is not.

"Quidditch player's been kidnapped," he says, closing the Prophet. Pansy has made decent progress on sorting out the stockroom.

"Oh?"

"Pride of Portree's Keeper. Her mother is Sylvia Swinn."

"The Sylvia Swinn who's on the Wizengamot?"

"The one and the same."

"Well, there's motive for you."

"Perhaps. But let's not rule out other teams."

"Or their fans," Pansy agrees. "How do you know she was kidnapped?"

"I don't know. The incident report mentioned a small amount of mud in the house, but the Ministry Police who were called out presumed it was from her garden. What with her living on the Isle of Skye."

"But how do you know that? If this presumably only happened in the past few days?"

"Oh, the Reliquary updated itself," Draco said. He explained how the book had made impatient noises until they had freed it from the cabinet. "And I read the updates last night."

"Well, that explains the bags under your eyes at the very least."

"That's mean."

"S'true."

"I love you too," he says, rolling his eyes at her.

"Like you love Potter?"

"What?" he asks, far too sharply.

"McLaggen told me about your interview."

"Well then you know I was fighting his veritaserum when I said that." She stares at him and he raises his Occlumens shields as he stares back.

"Whatever you say," she says after a long minute, breaking the stare. Draco's heart is hammering in his chest but he keeps his face impassive. On the one hand he wants to break down and confess to her that yes, he is in love with Harry, but on the other he knows that will result in Harry not being allowed to work with him and he doesn't think he could stand that.

"So, Winola Swinn," Draco says. "What are we going to do about her?"

"You," Pansy says. "Are not going to do anything, aside from tell me any other details that you have about her disappearance. Potter, McLaggen and I will likely go and get her back."

"I'm sorry. Did you just say McLaggen? As in Cormac McLaggen?" Pansy nods.

"As I said," she says. She puts her hands on her hips and stares at him. "There have been some developments while you've been away."

Harry finds out about the developments far sooner than Draco does. McLaggen is at Florean Fortescue's, standing behind the counter, when Harry walks in around ten in the morning.

"Potter," McLaggen says with a nod. Harry blinks at him for a moment.

"What?"

"I work here now."

"But aren't you?"

"Not here."

"Right. Of course," Harry says brusquely. He walks past McLaggen to the back of the store where he changes into his Parlour uniform. He is a tad alarmed to see McLaggen and wonders why there is increased security. He assumes it is to protect Draco, but from what, he does not know. As he puts on his uniform hat, there's a knock on the door.

"What?" he asks, pulling the stockroom door open. McLaggen is standing there.

"We should talk," the taller man says. He pushes his way into the backroom with more authority than Harry thinks he should have and puts his hand against the hidden magical panel in the side of shelving unit. Harry's mouth falls open when the panel gives a happy ding and the shelves move to the side. He shuts it quickly and follows McLaggen into the Cooler. He does his best not to feel like McLaggen has violated the space that Harry created, because at the end of the day, he is Ministry and if he has access to the Cooler, it must be because Hermione thought it was necessary.

"Right," McLaggen says once they are downstairs. "There are some things I need to catch you up on."

"Such as the fact that you're here?"

"Yes. I'm on the Reliquary team now." Harry nods once.

"Hermione brought you in?"

"Parkinson, actually."

"But she thinks you're an arsehole," Harry says before he can stop himself. It is one of the few things he feels like he and Pansy agree on. A pained look crosses McLaggen's face. Harry scrunches up his face. "Shit. I didn't mean to say that."

"It's fine. I am very aware of Major Parkinson's feelings towards me. Luckily, she realized there were more important things than petty grievances afoot."

"Are you going to let me in on what these things are? Or are you going to dance around talking about it all morning?" Harry asks. He walks over to the table against the wall as he notices it is covered in papers.

"I was getting to that," McLaggen says stiffly. "But it seems you've found everything anyway."

"I've found a pile of papers on a table, McLaggen. That's all. Please just tell me what's going on." Harry is getting tired of trying to talk around McLaggen's feelings. He wants answers and he wants them now.

"I'm not sure where to start."

"Let's try the beginning, shall we?"

"Right. Yes. Of course," McLaggen says. But then he stops talking and stares at his shoes, chewing nervously on his lower lip.

"Circe. I assume on this team, I still outrank you, yes?" McLaggen nods. "Fine. Then I order you to tell me what's going on, starting at the beginning." McLaggen swallows nervously but nods. Harry gestures to the sofa and chairs and they make their way over to them. "Go on," Harry says once they're settled. "Tell me."

"Are you fucking serious?" Harry asks. "You're telling me Oliver was on a top secret team with you?"

"Yes."

"And that's why he stole the Reliquary?"

"Yes."

"And so that's why he's dead."

"Um."

"Fucking hell." Harry stands and paces. It's the only way to get out his anger without setting something on fire. As it is, the chair he was sitting on seems to be smoking slightly where his hands had been resting. "Why didn't you ask me to join?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you ask me to join your coalition?"

"Uh," McLaggen says, staring dumbly at him.

"Because I would have. Anti-corruption? That's right up my alley."

"We didn't think you would join," McLaggen says quietly.

"You didn't?" Harry asks scornfully. "You didn't think that I would want to join? Me? The person who brought down Voldemort? Wouldn't want to join a group dedicated to keeping wizards from sliding back into the anti-muggle ways of thinking? Are you fucking serious?"

"Um."

"Or was it something else? Did you want to save the glory for yourselves? Was that it? Did you see your small group saving the wizarding world and becoming heroes? You didn't want someone like me coming in and taking all the attention?" McLaggen says nothing, only squirms in his chair. He won't meet Harry's eye which makes Harry think he's on to something. "Holy shit. That's it, isn't it?"

"No," McLaggen says quickly. But he still won't meet Harry's eye.

"Don't fucking lie to me."

"Fine. That might have been part of it. But we also didn't know who to trust."

"You didn't trust me? Circe. If nothing else, why didn't Oliver trust me?

"I don't know. I wasn't the one dating him," McLaggen says seemingly before he can stop himself.

"Oh, so he trusted you enough to tell you about us, but he didn't trust me enough to tell me about you?" Harry is surprised in spite of himself. He had been sure nothing else could surprise him today. "Well, I guess everyone knows about us then." He sits heavily back down on his chair. He feels prickly from irritation and wonders if this is his magic trying to find some sort of outlet.

"I don't know why he sent the Reliquary to Malfoy though," McLaggen says. "No one does. My best guess is that he couldn't find the portkey we had hidden in the Reliquary facility and so he improvised. And of course we can't ask him-"

"-Yes, I know." Harry cuts McLaggen off before he can talk about Oliver being dead. "Let's not talk about that." He takes a deep breath. "I'm sure he had his reasons for," he pauses until he can collect his emotions enough to finish the sentence. "For doing what he did."

"He did what he felt he needed to do to keep the Reliquary safe and out of the Society's hands," McLaggen says.

"If and when I get my hands on them," Harry says. "They are going to pay for what happened to him." There is a glint in his eyes that tells McLaggen that he is bloody serious about that.

"Which brings us to what we think the Society is doing."

"You know what, McLaggen. You've told Hermione, yes?" McLaggen nods. "I'd rather wait to hear it from her. I'm not sure if I can stand to look at you any longer right now."

"Fine," McLaggen says. He stands. "I guess I will head back upstairs."

"Yeah, you do that." Harry watches as he leaves. He knows he is being unprofessional, but he's too upset to care.

As soon as McLaggen has left, Harry looks at his watch. It's still early, so he stands up and makes his way back upstairs. He changes quickly back into his normal clothes and leaves. If McLaggen is confused by his actions, he doesn't say anything. Once Harry is outside, he apparates straight to the employee entrance of the Ministry. Within ten minutes, he is in front of Hermione's desk.

"We need to talk," he says.

"Hello to you too."

"Why did you approve McLaggen joining our team?"

"I didn't," Hermione says primly. She stares up at him over steepled fingers. "Please sit, Harry. Towering over my desk isn't making this conversation any better."

"Sorry," he says and sits. "What do you mean you didn't approve him?"

"Parkinson went straight to Dempsey."

"What?"

"I'm as thrilled about the whole thing as you are."

"Shit," Harry says. "So we're stuck with him?"

"For now at least."

"Why does he have to work at the Parlour though?" Harry whines.

"Parkinson refused to have him at Flourish and Blott's." Harry lets out a bark of laughter.

"Can't say I blame her." Hermione gives him a small smile. Harry sighs and leans back in his chair. Most of the anger he had been feeling is gone now, and he's rather ashamed of the way that he kicked McLaggen out of the Cooler. "So what is the Simurgh Society up to anyway?" Hermione shakes her head.

"Not here," she says. Harry nods.

"Right. Care to come visit the Cooler then? I assume that's private enough?"

"Yes," Hermione says. She checks her watch. "I have a meeting at eleven thirty, but I will come over after that and explain everything. Did Cormac not clue you in at all?"

"I, uh, told him to piss off partway through."

"Harry!"

"I'm sorry, 'Mione. But he was talking about Oliver and I snapped."

"I see." She pauses for a long moment and seems to wrestle with her thoughts. "On that subject," she starts to say but the look on Harry's face stops her.

"Hermione," he says warningly.

"Between friends," she says.

"No." He crosses his arms and continues to glare at her. He's not sure if she's talking about Draco or Oliver, but either way, he refuses to have this conversation with her right now.

"I just need to know, is there anything that might compromise your ability to work."

"No." He's being honest. If anything, having Draco around makes him sharper. He knows that if Draco's life hadn't been in danger at the Battaglia house, he might not have been able to summon the amount energy it had taken to take everyone out. He is still tired from it almost a week later - not that he will admit that to Draco, even though he suspects Draco knows.

"Ok." Hermione checks her watch again and then stands up. "I need to run."

"I'll walk with you to the elevator," he says and follows her out the door. They walk in silence down the corridor. Hermione's watch flashes purple as the reach the end and she looks down at it. Harry looks at his own watch for something to do, but it remains the same color.

"Oh," Hermione says. "Draco sparked on something." Draco had let Harry sleep in this morning, so Harry had not been there for the morning's newspaper reading. Hermione sighs. "Well, I suppose this meeting can go on without me." She pulls out her wand and sends several messages in quick succession, one to Pansy telling her to meet them at the Cooler, one to McLaggen letting him know to expect them and one to the organizer of her meeting, informing them that she could no longer attend.

"How are you so much better at that than I am?" Harry asks as he presses the elevator button.

"Practice." The elevator arrives with a ding and they crowd inside, their conversation cut off by the presence of other people.

"First off," Hermione says once the five of them have gathered in the Cooler during Draco and Pansy's lunch break. "I would like to congratulate Harry and Draco on their magnificent job in bringing in almost the entirety of both the Battaglia and Luczkowski criminal families." Draco sits up a bit straighter and smiles smugly at the group. When he catches Harry's eye, he drops the smile.

"It was mostly Harry," he says.

"That's not true," Harry protests.

"Wednesday was mostly you. And Merlin, you should have seen him." He mimes shooting spells off with both of his hands. "It was incredible. I've never seen anything like it." Harry ducks his head and looks embarrassed.

"I promise we will have a full debrief," Hermione says. "Just the three of us. But for now, Malfoy, we need you to tell us what you sparked on."

"Sparked?" McLaggen asks. He looks distinctly nervous to be at this meeting. He has yet to meet Draco's eye. Draco can only guess it's because he's ashamed at how he had treated Draco when he brought him in for questioning on Halloween.

"That's what Draco calls his Reliquary moments," Pansy explains. McLaggen nods.

"Winola Swinn, the Pride of Portree's keeper, has been kidnapped," Draco says. "Her mother is Sylvia Swinn."

"And you know this how?" McLaggen asks.

"I read it in the newspaper."

"How's that special then?"

"No one else has clocked that she's been kidnapped," Pansy snaps.

"Then how do we know that she has?"

"You do know how the Reliquary works, don't you McLaggen?" Hermione asks.

"Vaguely."

"Why is he even on our team?" Draco asks loudly.

"No one's told him about the Simurgh Society yet, have they?" McLaggen asks.

"We were getting to that," Hermione says at the same time that Draco asks,

"The what?"

"Enough," Pansy says, standing up and glaring around at them. "Winola Swinn is the priority right now."

"Parkinson is right," Hermione says. "A young woman has been kidnapped and our priority right now should be to bring her home safely. Malfoy, tell us everything you know."

"Swinn was reported missing by her Pride teammates when she didn't turn up for practice yesterday. Pride's last game was on Saturday, so she disappeared somewhere in that window of time. The local Ministry Police visited her house and determined that she had left voluntarily. They noted some mud in the sitting room, but Officer Anderson, whose report this information comes from, noted that it matched that of one of the local bogs on the Isle of Skye. However, the Reliquary also informed me that Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Portable Swamps use Skye mud for their patented "boggy bits"." And here he uses air quotes.

"Should someone confirm that with Ron?" Harry asks.

"I think if it's in the Reliquary it's safe to assume that it's accurate," Hermione says. "But I will check with him after this meeting. Thank you, Malfoy. That is very informative. Unless you had more?" Draco shakes his head. "Right then, Parkinson and McLaggen. I want you to travel to the Isle of Skye and see what you can find out. Harry and I will visit Winola's parents to see if they have heard anything." Pansy nods and stands. She kicks the legs of McLaggen's chair.

"Come on," she says. "Let's go." He glares at her for a moment but then stands. Harry briefly wonders if it is a good idea to pair them together, but then he thinks that the other option would have been to pair him with McLaggen, so perhaps Pansy is the better option. This way McLaggen will be more likely to come back in one piece.

Draco tries not to feel too hurt about the fact that he gets sent back to work at Flourish and Blotts while everyone else goes off to investigate Swinn's disappearance. This is how things were before he and Harry had gone to Europe. There is no reason why it wouldn't go back to that now. Though he had somewhat hoped that after everything he and Harry had achieved in Europe that he would be trusted to go on more missions. But then, he reasons, they haven't gone through their full debrief with Granger yet. Perhaps then he will entrusted with more responsibility.

Instead, he continues to organize the stockroom, silently cursing Jamie's name with every stack he straightens and every box he breaks down. Greg finds him there partway through the afternoon and offers to help, which makes the time pass more quickly. By the end of the day, the room is back to the way that Draco had left it and Draco is tired but he feels accomplished.

Though he doesn't want to, he makes himself go for a run in the Cooler's gym. He does this in part to get back into his training routine and in part to be there in case anyone arrives back. But by the end of his three kilometer run, he hasn't seen anyone and so he joins Greg at the Cauldron.

"Tell me everything," Hannah says as soon as Draco sits down. It takes Draco a moment to realize that she's referring to their ski trip. So Draco does. He excitedly tells her about their amazing room and Harry learning to ski. Both Hannah and Greg laugh for a long time at the story of Harry getting stuck in the snowbank and Draco is glad that Harry is not there to be teased about it in person.

He is not sure how to talk about meeting Massi as he doesn't want to give away any Ministry secrets, but he manages to talk about him by saying that he and Harry made friends with someone at the resort. He skips over the imperius spell and picks up the story in Milan. It's easy enough to say that Massi had invited them to come and visit his city, and this also explains their invitation to La Scala.

"You got to go to the opening night of La Scala?" Hannah asks, awe in her voice. Draco nods, smiling. "That's amazing. What was everyone wearing? Was it wonderful? I can only imagine it was wonderful."

"It was certainly something," Draco says. He does not elaborate more.

"Oh," Hannah gushes. "I am so jealous. Describe all of the dresses to me." Draco laughs and does his best.

He finds himself wishing that Greg were not there. He wants more than anything to talk to Hannah about his and Harry's relationship, but it's not a conversation that he wants getting back to Pansy. So instead he describes wandering through the Galleria and hints that he bought everyone Christmas presents in Italy.

He finds his opening when Greg runs to the little wizards' room. As soon as Greg is out of earshot, Harry leans forward across the bar and says,

"Harry said I love you."

"What?" Hannah's hands fly up to her mouth. Draco nods.

"He did."

"And did you say it back?"

"Of course."

"And do you?"

"Yes." Hannah takes one of his hands in both of hers and squeezes it. The smile on her face is warm and wide. Draco looks down, embarrassed but he can't keep from smiling either.

"That's wonderful, Draco. I'm so happy for you."

"I didn't bring it up around Greg because," Draco starts to say. He pauses and bites his bottom lip.

"It's not really Greg's thing, is it?" Hannah asks. Draco shakes his head, grateful that he doesn't have to come up with another reason why he hadn't brought this up around Greg. "We'll just have to gush excitedly about it when he's not around. And gush we will. Oh, this is exciting, Draco! We'll have to have the pair of you over for dinner. Of course, working around Harry's busy schedule. Sometimes I wonder how you find time to see him. But I suppose that's why he took you on a month's long vacation." Draco takes a long sip of his beer as Hannah chatters on. Greg returns to his seat next to Draco.

"Where is Harry anyway?" Greg asks once there is a long enough break from Hannah that he can get a word in.

"Meeting with someone from the Wizengamot," Draco says.

"What for?"

"He didn't say."

"It must be difficult," Hannah muses. "Being in such high demand. I'm not sure I would want to be that famous." Draco shrugs.

"You get used to the gossip witches," he says.

"Tosser," Greg says, giving his shoulder a playful nudge.

"At least you don't try to crash any of the photos à la Luca and Joe."

"Joe tried to tell me the other day that they were starting to get their own following from appearing on the cover of Witch Weekly with you."

"Mm," Draco says. "Did their following come from the lime green get ups? Or from the time they levitated Luca above us on a bookshelf?"

"He didn't say. But I think they're planning to wear some of their Joca! robes the next time Harry stops by the store."

"Their what?" Hannah asks.

"Their Joca! robes," Greg says again. "Joca! being their two man band."

"Oh Morgana, they have a band?" Hannah looks horrified. "Remind me to never host an open mic night."