Sympathy for the devil

That´s life…that´s what all the people say...

You´re riding high in April, shot down in May…

But I know I´m gonna change that tune when I´m back on top, back on top in June…

Green, that´s what the hair of my clown was like. Well then, mine shall be so, too! I paint my hair green. The color splashes against the walls, the mirror and the sink. The drops of paint run down my naked torso, leaving green trails on my skin. There´s something in me that awakens beneath the Surface, it consumes me and takes hold of me. Not against my will, I stand beside my own reflection once more.

I said, that´s life…

And as funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks…

Stomping on a dream…

There´s music streaming through the blood that runs in my veins… you don´t hear music with the ears, you feel it in the bones…it vibrates! And today I feel it stronger than ever, it´s not a lonely melody anymore, it´s an entire orchestra! How is it that no one else can perceive it?

But I don´t let it…let it get me down…

´Cause this fine old world…it keeps spinning around…

With Penny gone, the apartment belongs only to me. I toss her things on the floor and with a cigarette between my fingers I sit down in front of the mirror in the bedroom. That useless mirror where she used to do her makeup for the boyfriends she no longer had. I slick my hair back and with a brush I apply a layer of white paint all over my face, including my tongue. I separate from this face I knew, for it´s not truly mine. I divorce from everything that contained me. Nobody, not even myself would recognize me. But this is my real skin.

The sun is setting. The clock takes life from me but pushes me closer to my big moment. I feel like I´m awakening from a long dream. I´ve been sitting in the shadows, living for tomorrow, but I won´t sit here and wait for a miracle no more. I´m not going to be a background noise. I want to go out and play with the storm. Whatever comes, I´m leaving it all to chance. Whatever the outcome is, my finest hour still awaits me!

I´ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king…

This is what I really am! I´ve always been at the bottom, down, on the lowest of the stairs. I´ve been stepped on by everyone. But now I´m at the top and I sit on the throne like the king of the wretched, the king of all clowns! I´m strong like a storm, elegant like the night and great like the end of the fucking world!

Someone knocks on the door. It can only be those detectives. They knock again. I cannot let them get me, not now that I´m so close. But there´s a problem, I only have one bullet left in the gun and it´s for myself. I need some other weapon. I search the drawers on my left and find a pair of scissors. I check if they´re sharp and stuff them in my pants. But when I open the door I find something unexpected. It´s Randall and Gary. What are they doing here?

- Hey Arthur- says Gary - How´s it going?-

- Oh, hey guys!- I say, a little surprised -Come on in!-

- You got a new gig?- Gary asks.

- No…

- Oh you must be going down to that rally at City Hall. I heard it´s going to be nuts.- says Randall.

- Was that today?- I ask. I had no idea, honestly.

- Yes.- Randall replies and looks at me in confusion - What´s with the makeup then?-

I lean relaxingly against the wall and keep on smoking.

- My mom died…I´m celebrating…

- Right…we heard… that´s why we came by. I figured you could use some cheering up. - says Randall, pointing to the bottle in Gary´s hands.

- Oh, that´s sweet…but no! I feel good. I stopped taking my medication. I feel a lot better now.

- Oh, OK. Good for you...- says Randall –So, hey listen…I don´t know if you Heard, but the cops have been coming around the shop, talking to all the guys about the subway murders…-

I put my cigarette out on the wall.

- They didn´t talk to me…- Gary throws in.

- That´s because the suspect was a regular sized person. If it was a fucking midget, you´d be in jail right now!- says Randall.

- Hahahahaha- I fake laughing at his joke.

- Anyway…- Randall continues - Hoyt said that they talked to you and now they´re looking for me. I just wanna know what you said, make sure our stories line up, you know? So they see how you´re my boy and …-

I don´t hear what he says after that. Randall…it was him who gave me that gun, made me lose my job and turned me into a murderer.

- Why do you worry so much, Randall?- I say, taking a step towards him.

It always seemed to me that he was much bigger than myself, he seemed intimidating. But now he doesn´t seem like that anymore. I feel like I´m his same size. Maybe it´s because I´m standing tall, I lift my head and look him straight in the eyes. I´m no longer afraid of you, Randall.

- It wasn´t you who shot the first one when he beat you, killing him with one single shot. You didn´t take down the second one with two bullets in the chest. It wasn´t you who hit the third one in the leg and chased him down the train station, emptying the gun when you shot him in the back. It wasn´t you …right?

And with the speed of lightning, I take the scissors and stab Randall in the neck. It all happens very fast. Randall´s blood splashes on my face when I stab him the second time, now through his left eye. I throw myself on his huge body and Randall falls to the ground. I hear his screams and Gary´s in the background.

I´m not your fucking boy, Randall! Now I understand why you always scared me, why I hated you so much. You´re just like him! You wanted to do the same to me, right?! But now you can´t touch me anymore! I take his head with both hands and smash it against the wall again and again and again. Fucking burn in hell! I will do so, too, of that I´m sure. And when I find you there, I will kill you a second time, that I swear to you with the Devil as my witness! The punches sound like drums, his skull breaks, Randall is dead.

His body falls to the floor and I remain seated there…next to his corpse. My breathing is erratic, my heart beats so loud. I´m covered in blood. This is the fifth one…

- Arthur! No! Why would you do that?

Only now I notice Gary screaming. He´s hiding in a corner, terrified.

- You watch the Murray Franklin Show?- I ask. Gary doesn´t answer.

- Yeah? I´m gonna be on it, tonight! It´s fucking crazy, isn´t it? Me on the telly…

- What the fuck, Arthur?- says Gary looking at Randall´s body.

- WHAT?!

I don´t get what the problem is. Oh, right…

- It´s OK, Gary. You can go. I´m not gonna hurt you.

I wouldn´t hurt Gary. He never did me any wrong. He was kind when everyone else was cruel. Gary approaches the scene cautiously, crying as he sees the disaster that Randall left behind.

- Don´t look. Just go.

He passes by my side quickly and heads to the door, trying not to look at all the blood.

- A-Arthur…can you g-get the lock?- he asks, frightened.

Hahahahahaha. I forgot. Gary can´t reach the lock. When I walk over to help him out, he flinches, as if he feared I could kill him, too. I open the door, but I stop Gary for a second.

- Gary…- I say.

- Mmm?

- You´re the only one who was ever nice to me …

I kiss the top of his head.

- Get out of here.

My hands and feet, my face… Randall´s blood is everywhere. I will have to do my whole makeup again. But first I need a bath. I fill the bathtub and submerge my body in the hot water. I light a cigarette and watch in awe the way the smoke merges with the steam and the blood mixes with the water. I wash myself, removing Randall from my hands and feet. I touch my face and my fingers get stained with red again. It´s an intense red like the paint I use to draw my clown smile. My hands shake as I bring them to my lips and with the tip of my tongue I taste Randall´s blood. It has a metallic taste, like the bars in the cells of hell.

- HAHAHAHAHA!

The ashtray is full and the bathtub is painted in scarlet. It´s a piece of art. You wanted so badly to touch me, Randall…always trying to get your dirty hands on me…look at us now! I´m bathing in you!

- HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The water cools down, my body is clean. I remove the cap and the level of the water starts to sink. I watch Randall disappear down the pipe that leads to the sewer…where the rats dwell, the last stop before hell. Hahahahaha! The devil enjoys himself! And how he must be amusing himself with you down there right now, Randall! Goodbye…send my regards to Penny and those three guys…

Tell that train to wait for me. I was blind but now I see. Don´t let it leave without me. I was in chains but now I´m free. Do you see me, mom? Now I am happy. I´m having fun. Save a seat for me on that train to hell.