kuebiko:

n. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world.


"It's alright, didn't mean to!"

You didn't look at the dead cat next to him, you couldn't. It wasn't real. Just a bad dream and any moment you would wake up sweat soaked, you were sure. Your willed the strength into your arms to sliver them around Anakin's small body and buried your head in his blond hair.

It was soft.

"You didn't mean to. You are just a boy, you didn't know any better. But you will be good now, promise me?" you murmured and your voice trembled just a bit.

You finally lifted your head from his hair to look into his eyes, his wide innocent blue eyes.

"Ani..." This time you allowed your voice to become softer and the harsh tension in your shoulders eased. "Promise me."

Too young to be a monster.

.

.

.

Your life began on Tatooine. Inconsequential, your father had said. Too weak, your mother answered, holding back tears, when she closed her hands around your tiny blue fist. Nobody expected you to open your eyes. Nobody expected you to scream, your lungs full of life and want. Want to live, to survive, to be loved. Least of all you.

Yet you did.

Rebirth, reincarnation, second life. These words tasted like sizzling ash on your tongue, made you gag on air and want to rip your hair out. Thus you never spoke them. They were only yours to keep, preserved in your mind together with anguish, sorrow and longing.

Your older brother called you strange, your classmates kept their distance. Only your parents did not see anything wrong with you, they loved you fully and unconditionally. Maybe they shouldn't have. You weren't a child and you weren't innocent. But for them you could play pretend, because you loved them too. You weren't quite sure if it was in the same way, but none the less you did.

Your brother saw you for what you really were - a parasite. Stealing away his parents love and affection, taking, taking, taking... He didn't ever see you give. You gave your love and soul, but he didn't see, he didn't want to. At home you did not possess the freedom you sought, yet you were willing to submit, for your parents sake you were the child they wanted.

While home was your stage, school would become your sanctuary. School offered you freedom, the freedom to be genuine, honest, true. You wanted to learn how to survive in this vast galaxy, and you would not give up on this chance. Knowledge was freedom and freedom was everything. Aurebesh, Basic, Outer-Rim, Mid-Rim, Inner-Rim, the Republic. New and exciting - strange and terrifying. You excelled in school but not in the friend department. Your classmates saw that you were wrong. An imposter-child. You might have been good at fooling your elders but in the end you would never do anything but play pretend, so you made your choice and lived by it. You didn't want their friendship, they did not give any.

When you finally reached adulthood, you also reached for the stars - they reached back.

You left in the dead of night, leaving behind a bare room and no trace of your existence. You had taken everything you had deemed painful reminders of yourself, but you could never take their memories. One less mouth to feed, you had were never your real family anyway, you lied to yourself after reclaiming your real, original, long forgotten name before stepping into Mos Espa, a city once nothing more than fiction to you. You didn't get to see your father cry at night when everyone was asleep. Your brother did. He never hated you more.

But that was the past, now you were more concerned with the current situation. The pressing situation you were certainly not equipped to deal with! In front of you lied a young woman, probably a few years older than you but still very young - too young to die. Her matt brown locks framed her pained face, glistening with sweat and her own blood. So much blood. Her breath was shallow, it's weak throttle like a dying animal's and all you could do was to hold her cold bony hands in yours.

Just moments ago you were walking through the halls of Gardulla the Hutt's palace, on your way out of what was basically a slave contract. No more dirty work for you, no more shady back alley dealings for an overgrown Slug. You were finally free to leave this dustball behind fo a better place, maybe even Naboo or Alderaan- no not Alderaan you had decided, better not tempt fate. You had a choice. Not anymore, now it was just you and her in the dirty storage closet you had accidentally stumbled into when you heard her muffled cries. She had lied there all alone, her arms tightly wrapped around her pregnant belly as she was bleeding out, holding on to life so that she could give her baby a glimmer of a chance. You felt something deep inside of your stomach turn and you held on tighter, you could not break, not when she had no one but you.

"I don't want to die. Please. Help me, I can't, I-" she rasped out, her eyes trained on something behind you as yet another pained scream forced itself out of her lips. "My baby. Don't let them take it! They will- they will make him like me, a slave. You cannot let them. You can't. Please don't..." Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Anger. Anger at the world. Anger at everyone, anger at knowing she won't ever get to hold her child.

"I promise."

Your pulse raced hot as the air grew more stale with every gasp of air you inhaled. Why were you giving your word to a dead woman, to someone who was considered Gardulla's property, when you had no right to do so? Guilt? No, not that. It was the anger in her eyes that drew you in like a vortex and gave power to emotions you were not certain were your own.

Then a cry.

Dizziness, relief, tears. You squeezed your eyes shut desperate to escape the sweat, the emotions, everything. When you opened them again the woman had dressed her child in makeshift robes out of the blanket her head had rested on before. The baby was feeding on her breast peacefully as she held it in her arms. The sight made you want to raise your fingers up to your eye-sockets and scratch your eyes out, because you knew what would happen next. You could not overlook her sallow skin, those pained breaths she took or how she struggled to hold the child- the boy, it was a boy, in her grasp. She would not survive the night but he might. You should have left her to die, the dark part of your mind whispered.

"What is his name?" you asked, ignoring the coppery taste of blood in your mouth. You licked over your lower lip once, twice. Bitten raw.

"Anakin, Anakin Skywalker."

You are dying. You are dying. You can't breathe. You are dying. You can't stay here, you need to go, you can't, you can't-

"My little sun, oh look at him isn't he beautiful? Such a strong boy!"

Shmi's voice - because she just had to be Shmi - washed over you like a calming summer breeze and halted you in your staggered steps. And you did look. You didn't see a monster or an abomination as you had expected when you heard that name. You only saw a boy, a baby, a future. There was no monster here.

And suddenly you were holding him, his mother's blood staining your clothes, and the world felt alright again like you were made to do this. Maybe you were. Shmi gave you a sad smile followed by a single weak nod. You could only hope her death to be quick. She shouldn't suffer, not her. You raised your hand to- you quickly pulled it down again, it wouldn't be enough. No gesture could ever soothe her anguish. Instead you twisted your body away from her sorry sight and walked, walked until the palace was nothing but another speck of sand behind the dunes. You didn't waste any time and packed your possessions in the closest bag you could find. There was nothing holding you here anymore. You were free of Gardulla and so was Anakin. No tracker yet, you had saved him. No podrace where Shmi and him were bet, you had saved him. No Watto, you had saved him. No Anakin in the junkshop, you had doomed the galaxy to an uncertain fate.

But you didn't care.

This boy would grow up some place better, you had promised his mother and you would keep that promise. You didn't owe the galaxy anything, only her, only him, only yourself. You banished thoughts of your family to the back of your mind - they did not matter, no matter how much the lie scratched deep wounds into your heart. Lie, liar, false. You didn't think of Shmi's rotting corpse when you bought milk formula in bulk. Liar. You didn't cry when you took one last look at the planet that had been your home before stepping in your ship. Liar.

You had always been a liar.

"I promise. I promise to keep you safe!"

You cradled Anakin closer to your chest, your arms steady, and smiled at the stars in front of you. The world lied at your feet and you would give Anakin the world. You wouldn't let him become the man of the stories from your past life. You pressed a kiss onto his little blonde curls. They were soft.

He would do good, you were sure.


AN: Thanks for making it this far! I originally planned for this to be a one shot but then I had a few random bursts of inspiration and now this will be a full fledged out story. Would love to know what you think :)