Harry and Dudley were out selling crack to celebrate Harry's eleventh birthday, the profits were going to be spent on hookers. All of a sudden a very ugly and fat man approaches Harry.
"How much crack you lookin for?" Said Harry
"I am Hagrid, I'm here to take you to Hogwarts since you are a Wizard"
"Yo I'm busy selling crack fuck off"
Hagrid had enough of Harry's gruff and grabs him by the hair then drags him to the train station and throws him through the 9 and ¾ platform. Hagrid then accompanies Harry through the magical world in London and Harry is impressed, stating, "This is all WITCHCRAFT! God will punish you all!"
Ole ugly Hagrid is happy with how well Harry is adapting, Hagrid is also morbidly obese and will probably not make it much longer.
Hagrid takes Harry to Gringotts which is filled with short ugly creatures with big noses. One of the abominations takes Harry and Hagrid to the bank vault of Harry's father which is filled to the brim with gold coins. Hagrid looks at Harry and says, "Your father sucked a lot of cock for this money so you better spend it wisely"
"The fuck you talkin about my father wasn't gay!" Harry shouts.
"Actually your father was the dick sucking champion of the magical world until he and his baby mama were killed by Voldemort and seeing your lips you have the potential to be as great as he was" Hagrid says.
"My parents were killed by Voldemort? Nah you're dumb as fuck they have been out buying cigarettes since I was a baby, they will be back soon" Harry responded.
"No Harry, you are dumb as fuck, that is the story your Aunt told you to protect you. In reality your father bravely protected you by throwing your whore mother at Voldemort while he attempted to escape but when that wasn't enough he threw you at Voldemort and tried to jump out the window but didn't make it."
At this point Harry knew he was destined for greatness as being a brave hero was clearly in his blood. He kicks Hagrid in the balls and attempts to escape back to his world but Hagrid grabs him and takes him to Olivander's wand shop.
Olivander is explaining how wands work to Harry as he drools on himself until he sees a Mac 10 hanging on the wall.
"What is that?" Harry Asks.
"Oh that thing? That is some sort of muggle tool" Olivander answers.
"Give it to me I'll show you how it works"
Olivander hands the Mac 10 to Harry and Harry proceeds to blast that punk ass fool then runs outside and blasts every bitch ass witch he sees.
"YOU WILL ALL GO TO HELL, YOU ARE ALL SERVANTS OF SATAN!" Harry says calmly.
The Wizard police finally arrive and kill Harry, leaving the world without it's hero, allowing Voldamort to take over and descend the world into eternal darkness.
