I could hear the hum of the ships engines and life support systems surrounding me with every step. Each corridor filled with the lively chatter of Red Dwarf's crew members, scuttling about in a rush to do their daily duties in the hustle and bustle that was their mining vessel. I had made my way up from the ship's shuttle bay after repairing the Canary Drop Ship from yet another rough journey. I was tired and had plans based entirely around the idea of taking a quick nap before dinner and not waking up until the funeral for George later this evening.

That was until I heard the bickering of Second Technician Arnold Rimmer and Third Technician David Lister of Z shift. Always amused by the two, I had to stop and see what was stirring them this time.

'It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us,' I heard Lister say and smirked slightly.

'Lister, that is absolute nonsense. Right. What's next? Botanical gardens: faulty power circuit. In corridor 147: sticking door,' said Rimmer, ignoring the ramblings of his smelly underling.

'It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad,' Lister teased and pointed out what was technically true.

'Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!' He replied as I stood just round the corner from them.

'Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again,' All good points from Lister, Rimmer seemed to have the unbelievable knack for being a complete and utter failure when it came to Astro Navigation. It made me wonder why he was so determined in the first place. No, determined was the wrong word, I could admire determination, Rimmer was ambitious. To a fault. Arrogantly so.

'Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins,' Rimmer replied, as they continued to walk several metres ahead of me.

'You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted,' Lister stated. I had in fact heard that, though it was from the ship's catering officer, Peterson, so it had to be taken with a pinch of salt.

'That's a total lie!' Rimmer protested indignantly, which more than likely meant it was true.

'No, it's not! Petersen told me,' Lister replied.

'No, it's not! Petersen told me,' Rimmer mocked in a terrible Scouse accent. 'Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on power circuits which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.'

'Yeah. You said you were a fish,' Lister replied and I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from laughing. I heard him light a cigarette and felt the familiar pull myself. I'd been trying to quit for a while, my sister always harping on about it but my heart just wasn't in it.

'Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?' Rimmer asked.

'No, it's a chicken,' he replied as I pulled out a packet of cigarettes that had been rolled up in my shirt sleeve. I put the dart in my mouth and reached for my lighter. Patting my pockets I internally groaned. Bic Lighter, status MIA, presumed nicked.

'Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister! I don't know,' I heard Rimmer say and made my way up to them, walking quicker to catch up.

'Oi,' I called so they'd stop.

'Ahh, Mechanical Officer Treasa Kochanski, you're in it now Listy,' Rimmer said before doing his long winded and ridiculous salute.

'Got a light Lister?' I asked, turning to my sister's ex boyfriend.

'Here,' he replied flicking the wheels on his lighter and holding it out in front of me.

'Thanks muchly,' I replied. 'I think mine got nicked when I was down repairing the ship's Canary Drop Ship. I was going to report it, but hey, Rimmer, since you've got that report book open, why don't you do me a solid and put it to good use.'

'Of course,' he nodded scribbling out that I'd lost my lighter down down in the shuttle bay when the prisoners were still there. I took a drag and then turned to see Todhunter heading up the corridor toward us.

'Rimmer, Lister,' he greeted the two men beside me and Rimmer again graced us with his absurd salut.

'Todhunter get down!' Lister called enthusiastically and did a little dance.

'Kochanski, what are you doing down here?' Frank asked, turing towards me.

'Free ship, isn't it?' I replied with a shrug.

'It isn't actually,' he replied. 'Not that it matters, you've finished your shift for the day, haven't you?'

'I just finished repairing the Canary Drop Ship,' I replied honestly.

'Where she lost her lighter,' Rimmer butted in thrusting his report book in front of Frank.

'Yes,' he acknowledged before turning back to me. 'Anyway, you have any plans? This evening or otherwise,' he asked.

'Haven't decided yet,' I replied.

'Well, what about we go dancing down the disco after George's funeral?' He asked and I wanted to roll my eyes. Todhunter wasn't that bad but he was undoubtedly not my type. Not that I really knew what my type was, considering my recent dating history or the long list that came before that.

'I'm off for a nana nap actually,' I said and he laughed slightly. 'I'll sleep on it,' I told him and he smiled in response.

'You got it,' he nodded once in affirmation. 'I'll be down there, if you're there, maybe we'll share a dance, if not, no hard feelings.'

'Done,' I smiled and with a nod Todhunter moved on to his actual task, dealing with Rimmer.

'Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artifacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints ... against Lister,' he stated looking over his clipboard and I rolled my eyes, putting a hand up to my face and sighing.

'Yes, sir!' Rimmer confirmed, looking proud of himself.

'That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of mutiny,' Todhunter read through and I rolled my eyes, making Lister smirk slightly.

'Yes, sir!' Rimmer confirmed.

'Mutiny, Lister?' Frank asked, looking sceptical.

'I stood on his toe,' Lister explained and I choked in disbelief on the smoke I'd just breathed in.

'Maliciously, and with intent to wound,' Rimmer explained and I almost sighed.

'It was an accident!' Lister argued.

'Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty,' Rimmer explained, stretching what happened to unbelievable lengths.

'But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!' Lister argued.

'Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot,' Rimmer countered.

'All right, that's enough,' Frank stepped in and I felt sorry for the guy, having to deal with this on a regular basis.

'Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny,' Rimmer continued to explain, ignoring Todhunter.

'Finished?' Frank asked and I sighed. This could go on all day.

'However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty,' Rimmer finished.

'There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are only one man. Why can't you two get on?' Todhunter asked as I watched my sisters charming ex boyfriend stick a cigarette in his ear and scoop food out of a tinfoil pie casing.

'You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a smeghead,' Lister explained.

'Did you hear that, sir?' Rimmer said to Todhunter before turning back to Dave. 'Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'

'Oh, Rimmer,' Frank chuckled and clapped him on the shoulder. 'You are a smeghead.' He gestured to me then. 'Come on, I'll walk you to your quarters.'

I could hear Lister cracking up with laughter as we walked away and the fury in Rimmer's voice as he called after us. 'With respect, sir, your career's finished, Todhunter, you big lig!'

I giggled next to Todhunter for a longer than probably necessary and we headed back to B-Deck where a lot of the officer's quarters were. It was where mine were despite me being the ship's mechanic. Captain Hollister hadn't seen it necessary for me to move quarters mid trip unless it was obstructing me from my duties, which, it wasn't really. Took maybe 2-5 extra minutes to get to the shuttle bay but that was nothing. Hardly a reason to move quarters, especially since my old ones were much nicer than the ones for flight mechanics.

'Maybe I'll see you tonight,' I smiled at my door.

'Maybe,' he nodded at me once before going off to continue his duties for the rest of the day.

I stepped inside and unbuttoned my regulation shirt, hanging it up on the back of the chair before kicking off my shoes and jumping onto the bed, immediately folding the blankets over the top of me, thankful I hadn't made my bed after throwing them to the side this morning.

'Holly?' I asked softly.

'Yes Teresa?' He replied almost instantly.

'Could you please wake me up just before George's funeral?' I asked wiggling into the pillow some more.

'Of course Teresa,' he replied and then disappeared, leaving the room in total darkness.


'Teresa, it's time to wake up now,' Holly chimed in. 'George's funeral will be starting soon.'

'Course Holly,' I hummed rolling over slightly and chapping my lips together slightly, ready to sink back into dreamland through my pillow. 'Five more minutes.'

'I'm not sure Hollister would appreciate me pushing George's funeral back by five minutes so you can take a longer nap, I'm afraid,' he told me and I smiled. 'It's up now or bust.'

'Of course Holly,' I responded, awake now anyway. 'Thank you for the wake up call.'

'Anytime,' he replied and then disappeared.

'Lights,' I called and winced when they turned on instantly and very brightly. I saw up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, actually making it this time before going over to the bathroom door and scrubbing my teeth clean, getting rid of the just napped feeling. I stepped out afterwards, checking myself over and then putting my regulation shirt back on, this time accessorising with a black armband. Well, I wouldn't call it a fashion statement.

I walked down to the drive room where we were holding the funeral and took my place amongst all the other officers in the small cluster behind the display. There was a metal canister in front of us and Captain Hollister to the far right of me. He stepped forward and started his speech.

'We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George MacIntyre. George was an excellent officer and as good of a friend as anyone could ever hope to have. And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know. And now I commend his ashes to the stars he loves so much,' Hollister said simply before walking over to the metal can and patted it appreciatively.

'Goodbye George, we'll miss you.' He put the can in a slot in the table and pressed the eject button, sending the urn into space. 'This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape please Holly.'

'See you later alligator,' Wafter through the ship, and I almost felt like I should be laughing as we all stood, standing seriously mourning our fallen fellow crew member.


'There goes MacIntyre,' Lister said as he looked out the window of his shared quarters with the ships most hated man. 'Goodbye George,' he said as "See you later alligator" played throughout the ship. 'That was George!' Lister said as he turned in his bunk to lean down and chat with his bunk mate.

'Really? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots,' Rimmer replied sarcastically. 'Off,' he ordered and the live video of George's funeral shut off.

'Hey I was watching that,' Lister objected.

'Well tough,' Rimmer replied, uncaring.

Lister instead went for his guitar, always able to occupy his time when he was bored.

'You touch that guitar, Lister, and I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it,' Rimmer threatened.

'Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe?' Lister asked, leaning down over the edge of his bunk and breathing in Rimmer's face.

'Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass,' Rimmer replied, trying to appeal to his bunk mate's better nature.

'I know, yeah. By cheating,' Lister replied, ignoring the plea.

'This is not cheating! It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my command,' Rimmer defended.

'What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?' Lister joked.

'Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?' Rimmer asked.

'You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?' Lister raised a brow.

'My parents. The wrong parents,' Rimmer replied.

'I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?' Lister responded.

'Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive. You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on the ship,' Rimmer attacked.

'I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it,' Lister joked, clearly unbothered. ' "Yes, sir, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee, eee..." ' He mocked in a squeaky voice with a goofy expression and his hand pressed to his head in a salute.

'Lister, you are a nothing,' Rimmer told him.

'I'm not a nothing! I've got me plan,' Lister argued.

'What's that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?' Rimmer replied.

'No. Me five-year plan. You see, I'm going to do two more trips. And I've been saving up all me pay...' Lister started to explain.

'Since when?' Rimmer butted in in disbelief.

'Since always. That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or anything like that, you know. Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji. And I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses,' he explained with a small smile on his face.

'With a sheep and a cow?' Rimmer asked puzzled.

'No, with horses and horses,' Lister shook his head.

'On Fiji?' Rimmer asked in disbelief.

'Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable,' Lister agreed.

'Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level!' Rimmer exclaimed.

'It's only three feet. They can wade,' Lister defended and then got quite thoughtful. 'That's why the animals are gonna hafta be quite tall.'

'Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton,' Rimmer started using his pen to mimic the leaping mutated farm animal. 'Baa, splash, baa, splash.'

'You can get a drainage grant these days,' Lister replied.

'Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet- look knitwear,' Rimmer replied sarcastically.

'Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, 'cause I knew you'd say something like this,' Lister said disheartened.

'Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich,' Rimmer told him. ' "Mornin', Farmer Lister! I'm just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?" ' he mocked in a goofy farmer's voice, right before there was a loud honking noise.

'The "Welcome Back George MacIntyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory. George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral,' Holly announced.


I sat slouched in a plastic chair in the canteen, one foot on the plastic base of the chair, knee up at my chin, other foot resting on the table in front of me, waiting for the introductions to start. Peterson walked past me and then paused at the table with Rimmer, who was either preparing to cheat on his astro navigations exam tomorrow or was obsessed with stick n poke tattoos to the point of concern.

'Have you read Rimmer's arm?' I heard the Dane ask.

'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!' Chen replied and I smirked to myself as I heard the group behind me laughing.

'Petersen, have you got a quarter?' Lister asked. 'I've just been shown this great new intelligence test. What you've gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead. And then the more times you can bang yourself on the head, the more intelligent you are. You gonna go for it?' I couldn't believe they were trying to pull the first prank at the academy.

'He's going for it!' The group yelled.

'Ready? OK. Can you feel it?' Lister asked.

'Yep,' Peterson confirmed.

'Can you feel it?' Lister asked again and I rolled my eyes, taking out a cigarette and lighting up with the spare lighter I'd gotten from my locker before heading out. I took a drag and then looked up at the clock, hoping it would be starting soon. Eventually at the large set up in the front of the room Todhunter, Captain Hollister and the Hologram of George MacIntyre entered the room, and sat down in their respective chairs. Hollister then stood at the front to address the room.

'Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy. Sadness, for the passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us - albeit as a hologram. Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect like George. He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience. Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask you to cooperate with his requests. And please, take every care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you,' For smeg's sake we know.

Everyone hooted and cheer then there was a collective chorus of "Speech, speech, speech!"

'I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral. I've just seen the vid. And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy. Beautiful. But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote,' MacIntyre joked and there was a collection of forced laughter.

'This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages,' he said and I rolled my eyes, only to be caught by Todhunter's glance who smiled and winked at me. And I spent the rest of the speech making faces at him.

'I think Joe knows what I'm talking about. As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: if you die, I'll kill you.'

'Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake,' Todhunter addressed the room and then brought his eyes back to me, giving me a look. I stood, and smiled back at the second officer, while Hollister cut the cake. Frank raised his glass out to the room. 'Flight Coordinator George MacIntyre.'

'George!' Everyone cheered and I could hear Lister gargling behind me.

'OK. Just one thing before the disco, Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard,' Hollister announced.

'Sir, it's Rimmer!' Lister called out and I choked on my glass. Making Todhunter smirk.

'We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, OK?' Hollister replied.

'I'm turning you in, Rimmer,' Lister teased from behind me and out of the corner of my eye I saw Rimmer pull out his report book and I rolled my eyes, sending a sympathetic look at Todhunter who just sighed.

'Ooooh!' Lister and his friends mocked as Rimmer scribbled down notes on the white pages.

Eventually people either began to file out of the room, to get ready for the disco, or lined up for cake. I looked over to Todhunter who was pouring champagne and I winked at him before getting up out of my seat and getting ready to leave. At which point Lister and his cronies came over to me

'Alright Teresa,' Peterson nodded.

'Alright,' I nodded back.

'So are you going to the disco after, then?' Lister asked genuinely. He'd always been nice to me, even before he started dating my older sister and kept being nice to me even after they broke up.

'Yeah I've been thinking about it,' I nodded, bouncing the idea around in my head.

'Ooooh going on a date with Todhunter?' Lister teased and I rolled my eyes. 'Don't play it off, I saw him giving you eyes the whole speech.'

'He can make eyes all he wants,' I played coy. 'The question is, did I make eyes back?'

'That is a good question, did you?' Chen asked and I laughed.

'Todhunter isn't really my type,' I shrugged. And Lister grinned.

'Nah, you're like you're sister, you've got good taste in men, don't ya darlin', ' he tossed an arm around my shoulder affectionately and ruffled my hair.

'Sure, good taste,' I teased back and he chuckled while the rest of his mates cheered out an "Oooh".

'Lister,' Todhunter greeted from behind me and I looked up, Lister pulling away from me. 'Getting along better with Rimmer?' He asked.

'No, he's still a complete and total smeghead,' Lister replied and I shook my head smiling.

'Undoubtedly,' Todhunter agreed. 'So, Teresa, are you headed to the disco after this?' He asked me again, handing me a flute of champagne.

'Maybe,' I replied taking the flute off of him and sipping it coyly. 'See you later,' I smiled and took the glass with me, necking it once I was away from the group and putting the glass down on the table, leaving the canteen.