'Look who decided to come down for a dance,' Todhunter said from next to me as I stood at the bar. This guy was beyond persistent. Sure it had been a bit of a laugh making faces and goofing around during the "Welcome Back George" party but this was all too much too fast. The guy was so full of himself it made Rimmer look modest.
'Yeah,' I nodded. 'Well a drink actually,' I smiled politely.
'Let me get that then,' Todhunter offered and then I smiled a bit warmer, he'd said the magic words.
'Alright Kochanski Jr.' I heard Chen say from my side as he came up for the next round of drinks for his table of misfits.
'Alright Chen,' I nodded at him and then nicked a pen from behind the bar scribbling down a quick note down on a napkin and sliding it over to him, putting a finger up to my lips and pointing to an oblivious Todhunter. He nodded and went back to doing his own thing.
'So,' Frank said. 'What're your plans after this mission ends?' He asked. 'Since you dropped Astro Navigations for Flight Mechanics.'
'Continue to be a flight mechanic,' I replied. 'Lest I follow George's steps out the door.'
'You'd really give up your superior position for rolling about in grease all day and a lower pay check?' Todhunter scoffed.
'Actually, Hollister kept my pay the same,' I replied. 'And yes, I would rather work in a job where I make achievements, where I'm kept busy and satisfied rather than work in a boring desk job where all the calculations, formulas and procedures I committed to memory are completely redundant. Because they are, all we see all day every day is a black sky with white dots everywhere.'
'Didn't know you felt that strongly about it, Kochanski,' Todhunter replied. 'Your sister seems to enjoy it enough.'
'We're sisters, not clones,' I replied and necked the drink he'd bought me and prayed for my SOS distress call to be answered. I singled the bartender for the same again.
'Alright boys another round,' Chen said as he got back to the table of his mates, putting down the tray of 16 mugs of larger.
'Yeeees,' Lister called stamping his feet and yanking his arms.
'You know who I saw at the bar,' he said.
'No,' Peterson shook his head.
'Little Kochanski Jr.' he told them. 'Slipped me this note and everything,' he proudly held up the napkin she'd given him at the bar.
'Well go on,' Lister said.
'Yeah,' Selby agreed.
'What's it say man?' Peterson asked.
'It says,' he held up the napkin theatrically and cleared his throat. ' "Lister," oh damn, it's for you man,' Chen handed the napkin over to his friend.
' "Lister," ' Lister read. ' "If ten minutes passes and I'm still stuck with this total smeg pot please come and rescue me," ' he read outlaid and looked over to where Teresa Kochanski was stood. She was with Frank Todhunter and was currently necking what was in her glass. ' "Send the cavalry if you have to, I owe you one." '
'Well looky here boys,' Selby clapped his hands together.
'Seems the smeg has moved up in the world,' Chen grinned.
'We're nights in shining armour,' Lister stamped his feet. 'Yeeees.'
'We're getting a favour,' Peterson said.
'How about a dance then, Teresa?' Frank suggested and I agreed, at least if we were dancing over on the incredibly noisy dance floor I wouldn't have to listen to him talk.
'That sounds like fun,' I said and necked back my third drink in the last five minutes. I let him lead me out to the dance floor where a lot of my fellow officers were out having a good time and then I started working my magic, moving like a dance machine. It was almost easy to forget the pompous prick in front of me as I focused on moving my little butt across the floor.
'You're quite good at that,' he commented. And I thanked him, choosing not to comment on his clearly inferior wiggling skills.
'Alright boys, one more quick game before we go and rescue Kochanski Jr.' Chen clapped his hands together.
'I've been to Titan, I've been to Juno, I can name eight things that go in jars that you know! Pickles!' Peterson clapped and banged on the table, playing the usual rhyming drinking game with his boys.
'Jam!' Called Selby.
'Spaghetti!' Called Chen.
'Brains!' Cried Lister.
'What? In jars?' Selby asked confused as everyone stared at him.
'My uncle's brain's in a jar. It's really sad,' Lister explained.
'Why is it sad?' Chen asked.
'He's not dead yet,' Lister cracked up.
'Right, everybody's punished. Finish your drinks,' Peterson ordered and then skulled what was last of their larger.
'Is that,' I heard Lister say from behind me and sighed in relief. He poked his head round and theatrically checked to see if I was the right person he was thinking of. 'It is! Kochanski!'
'Lister, hi,' I greeted with an overly cheesy grin. I immediately leaned forward to wrap my arms around him, like you would an old friend.
'Todhunter get down,' Lister did his usual greeting and was met with the usual response.
'Yes,' he nodded.
'So what are you to love birds doing out and about?' He asked.
'Oh we're not together,' I replied chirpily. 'Just ran into a college and thought we'd have a dance. You celebrating George's return?'
'Kochanski,' I heard from behind me and saw Chen waving finger guns at me.
'Ayyy it's little Kochanski Jr.' Selby greeted for my other side.
'Teresa,' Peterson's thick Danish accent slurred from my other, other side, enclosing me in a protective ring of slobs.
'Good to see you guys,' I smiled up at them, eternally grateful for them coming to my aid.
'Well,' I heard Todhunter say from somewhere outside the circle. 'I might see you around Kochanski.'
'Bye bye,' Lister said and all his boys joined in, waving and saying "bye bye".
'Oh my god I am so glad you showed up when you did,' I threw my arms around each of the guys.
'The cavalry my darling,' Peterson slurred.
'Course we would,' Lister replied punching my upper arm lightly. 'Couldn't let you get trapped with a complete and total smeg head, now could we?'
I headed out on my own, now that Lister and co. had seen to it that Todhunter had left for the night and went to dance with some of my friends that I had spotted. I said goodbye and another thank you before leaving. Hopefully, I could still have a good evening now the awkward and disagreeable not date with my superior was over.
Eventually though I grew tired and wanted to sit down. All the tables were full except the one next to Peterson's table. I went up to the bar and bought another round of drinks for them and myself and put them down on their table.
'Gents, a thank you,' I said and then walked away from the table, going to sit by myself. I sat in my trademark slouching position, one foot on the plastic base of my chair, the other one resting on the table. I rolled my shoulders back and then pulled out a cigarette, lighting it and taking a deep drag. I felt a lot better now, albeit a little tired.
I looked up from my cigarette for a moment only to see a still uniformed Arnold Rimmer marching through the disco.
'Excuse me, please. Could you please excuse me? Some of us have more important things to do than wiggle our posteriors. Could you move please? Please? Thank you. Could you move? Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Excuse me!'
I could just barely hear him over the music but I did enjoy seeing how frustrated he got. I spotted he'd gotten stopped behind my sister and laughed a little, she really did think he was as much of a smeg head as I did. Rimmer bumped into her accidentally and knocked her purse out of her hand. He bent down to pick it up for her and just when I thought he was going to apologise he instead reaffirmed just how much of a plonker he was.
'If you want to dance, do it over there,' he said and threw her purse over the other side of the disco and my eyebrows shot through my hairline. 'Sorry.' He called out to the person he threw her purse at.
'That woman's out of your league. She's just too classy for you,' Chen said to Lister as he watched my sister leave. I mean, he was a slob but she couldn't have been that out of his league if they'd dated before. And I liked Dave better than I liked Tom, even if Lister was a smelly git.
'Who is?' Lister tried to play coy.
'Kochanski,' Chen answered.
'I've got no big thing about Kochanski,' Lister defended, he absolutely did have a big thing about my older sister.
'Stick to your usual type. Women with little wispy beards who wear three overcoats and carry little bags full of string,' Chen teased.
'Kristine Kochanski?' Selby asked.
'Shut up!' Lister yelled.
'What, Officer Kristine Kochanski?' Selby continued.
'Selby, have you ever eaten a coconut whole?' Dave threatened.
'Ah, you've got no second chance with her. You're just too ugly,' Selby told him and I shook my head, going back to my cigarette.
'Listen, hadron head, I've got no big thing about Kristine Kochanski!' Lister defended.
'I have,' said Chen and I stubbed out my cigarette butt and looked the other way for something to do.
'So have I,' said Selby.
'You know who's also fine?' Peterson asked.
'Who?' Chen asked.
'Little Kochanski Jr.' He answered matter of factly and I sighed quietly, pretty sure they were unaware I could hear them, or that I was even nearby.
'Yes,' Selby clapped his hands together. 'Much more in your league, Lister.'
'She doesn't have a little wispy beard,' Chen said. 'I know, I like to look at her face when she's not looking. I've seen it up real close. No beard.'
'I don't fancy my ex-girlfirend's little sister,' Lister told them.
'I do,' Peterson replied.
'I do,' Chen agreed.
'I do,' Selby joined.
It was then Rimmer turned up and I lit up another dart. He gave the table his signature pillock salute and the boys returned it mockingly.
'Ha ha ha,' Rimmer laughed sarcastically. 'Lister, where's my revision timetable?'
'Sir, it's Saturday night!' Chen informed him.
'Come on, no one works Saturday night!' Lister told him.
'You don't work any night. You don't work any day!' Rimmer replied.
'Skive hard, play hard! That's our motto!' Lister said and everyone cheered.
'Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday. I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?' Rimmer asked.
'Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self testing time?' Lister asked.
'It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night,' Rimmer said and I shook my head, no wonder he was a complete novice. I put my leg on the seat down, leaving the foot I had on the table, shifting uncomfortably.
'Hang on, is this the thing with the note on it in red which said, "Vital. Valuable. Urgent. Do not touch on pain of death?" ' Lister asked.
'Yes!' Rimmer replied getting stressed.
'I threw it away,' Lister joked and laughed with his friends.
'Ha ha ha ha. Tee hee. Where is it?' Rimmer asked.
'No, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall,' Lister told him honestly.
'What? Why?' Rimmer asked surprised and confused.
'To dry it out,' Lister explained.
'What do you mean, dry it out?' Rimmer replied.
'Well, I spilled a cold vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red, but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off,' Lister assured him and sometimes I felt bad for Rimmer, everyone was mean to him. But it was hard to feel completely sorry for him because he was a completely selfish git.
'You spoiled my - no, I haven't got time. I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorising is this conversation,' Rimmer said rubbing his temples.
'They're illegal!' Peterson drunkenly scolded.
'Where's my revision timetable, Lister? It's Saturday night. No one works Saturday night. You don't work any night. You don't work any day. Skive hard, play hard, that's our motto. Lister, where did you put my revision timetable. It's Saturday night. No one works Saturday night. You don't work...' He muttered going into a sort of trance.
He tried to move around the table, came by me and tripped over someone's pile of stuff and came straight for me as I sat holding my cigarette up in my right hand. He landed between my thighs, knees hitting the floor and face landing in between my boobs. My probably very sweaty boobs. My probably very sweaty boobs that were now touching Rimmer. I held a look of complete shock on my face and I almost dropped my cigarette. Rimmer pulled his face out of my cleavage slowly and then looked up at my face, going completely pink and unable to move.
'What the smeg are you doin' man?' Lister climbed up out of his chair and yanked Rimmer up out of my boobs by his collar.
'Are you alright?' Lister asked and I sat agape after Rimmer walked off.
'That really wasn't how I saw my evening going,' I said and he snorted.
'I bet it wasn't,' he laughed and patted me on the shoulder.
'Look after yourself,' he smiled and then went back to his table.
Home the for me I think, I decided. I stubbed out what was left of my cigarette and got up, heading back towards B deck where my quarters were.
'I've been to Titan, I've been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski! Me!' I heard Chen start up their rhyming game again and rolled my eyes.
'Me!' Called Peterson.
'Me!' Cried Selby.
'The London Jets Juniors!' Said Chen.
'The service droids!' Peterson Clapped.
'My mother!' Said Selby.
'OK, leave it alone, leave it alone,' I heard before I was able to get out of the disco.
'Kochanski,' Todhunter greeted when I got to the door of my quarters.
'I'm not sure how you managed to get more drunk than I did when you left early,' I commented, smelling the alcohol rolling off of him in waves and watching him sway.
'I went to the officer's club after,' he told me and I nodded.
'Maybe the next place you should go to is your quarters, sleep this off,' I suggested.
'Sleep it off,' he nodded. 'Let's do that together,' he suggested.
'Let's not,' I replied. 'You're very drunk Todhunter.'
'Frank,' he corrected.
'Frank,' I said. 'Go home, drink some water, go to bed.'
'Come with me,' he said, pulling my wrist. I decided to agree, thinking I could shove him in his own door and head to my own quarters.
'Okay,' I smiled and let him stumble at my side. 'Holly, is Petrovich in?' I asked.
'Yes, he's just gotten back from the officer's club and is relatively sober,' Holly replied. 'Would you like me to inform him of the situation?'
'Yes!' Todhunter yelled. 'Tell him to bugger off so I can shag this beautiful women!'
'Tell him I'm escorting a drunken Todhunter home and to be ready to take over,' I told him, ignoring the piss head. We walked past a food dispenser and I stopped him. 'Kebab and chips, chill sauce, and a water,' I ordered and carried the container and the giant water bottle while Todhunter wandered at my side muttering idly about a sports game he went to when he was 12 and how eggs and soldiers was far superior to fried eggs with toast triangles.
'Petrovich,' I knocked hard on the door and the door opened immediately.
'Out you go!' Todhunter ordered as I walked in, put the food down and forced Frank into a seat. 'Eat,' I ordered and he nodded.
'I'll need to keep my strength up,' he agreed. 'Because I'm about to give you the most wild night of your life,' he told me and I rolled my eyes, waving to Petrovich and then heading back out the door.
'Good morning Teresa, this is your morning wake up call,' Holly chimed and I moaned into the pillow. 'I have specific instructions to tell you from Mister Lister, would you like to hear them?'
'Uhhhh...' I rubbed my face and tried to process what Holly had just said. 'Yeah.'
'Dave said to inform him when you've woken up and not to leave your quarters before he's had a chance to speak to you, it's urgent,' Holly repeated.
'Well if it's urgent you'd better tell I'm up,' I commented. 'Thanks Holly.'
I jumped into the shower quickly and was brushing my teeth when I heard the hurried knocking on my quarters door. 'Holly open the door please,' I slurred, spitting out the toothpaste.
'You haven't heard anything yet, have you?' Lister asked and I raised a brow.
'Heard what?' I asked. 'I haven't left, like you asked. I've only spoken to Holly this morning.'
'It's Todhunter..' Lister started.
'He didn't die of alcohol poisoning did he?' I asked, rolling my eyes.
'No,' Lister replied. 'He's going around telling everyone you slept with him last night.'
'Holly can you burn me a tape of me escorting Todhunter back to his room and then immediately leaving again?' I asked.
'Certainly, Teresa,' Holly replied.
'You still have that napkin?' I asked and he pulled it out of his pocket.
'It's got a bit of vindaloo on it though,' he said sheepishly and I took it from him.
'It's fine,' I said and asked Holly to copy the napkin as well. 'Holly can you make an announcement at lunchtime for me today?'
'Certainly Teresa, what would you like to say?' He asked.
'Please inform everyone that I didn't sleep with Todhunter and then present them with the evidence on all screens on the ship, napkin first and then video,' I said and then handed Lister back his napkin. 'If anyone needs me I'll be down in the Shuttle Bay doing my job instead of childish gossiping.'
'If it makes you feel any better kid, the guys and I don't believe him,' Lister said.
'I know,' I gave him a half hearted smile. 'I'm just thinking about how much trouble I'm going to get into with Hollister later for using the announcement system for this.'
