Derrick Miller, District 9

"And at that moment you may laugh

But there is someone there

Who will be laughing louder than you."

Bright Eyes, Sunrise, Sunset


20 Rules that Derrick Miller Broke During his Time as a Tribute

(With commentary by Nickel Baker and Liza Flouria)


1. When your name is called at the reaping, don't try to run away.

NB: That's the first rule. The very first one! I've mentored twelve-year-olds who can follow that rule!

LF: Even your mentor followed that rule.

NB: l volunteered, Liza.

LF: You did?


2. When you meet your district partner, shake their hand. Don't challenge them to a rap battle.

NB: Especially if your idea of rap is just yelling rude words at the top of your voice.

LF: Poor Sesame. Something tells me she's going to fade into the background this year.


3. Don't call your mentor a pants-wetter.

NB: You do realise that your life is in my hands, don't you, kid? Liza, take him for me, please.

LF: No. You're on your own.

NB: Please! You're a strong, capable woman who can deal with idiots. Please rescue me from my tribute. Save me. Be a hero!

LF: Fine.


4. Don't call your new mentor "Princess Liza".

LF: I must admit, I am a little flattered. However, I'd prefer the title "Her most Majestic Excellence Empress Liza the Ruthless of House Flouria". I. Am. No. Princess.

NB: You've already offended your old mentor into swapping you. Don't further offend him into murdering you in your sleep by flattering his colleague.


5. When your escort asks you what you're doing with your food, don't say "Eating. I expected you to recognise it since you've clearly done so much of it, fatty."

NB: Do you have to insult everyone?

LF: Bucephalus says he's transferring to Eleven next year. Eleven!

NB: Wait a second, Liza. What is he doing with his food. It's scaring me!

LF: You're scared of everything, Nickel.


6. Don't organise a slumber party with your district partner on the train.

LF: You didn't invite either of us!

NB: Also, you told Sesame ghost stories and now she's traumatised. That's sabotage!

LF: Actually, that's a pretty smart move. Definitely unsportsmanlike, but who's sportsmanlike in the Hunger Games.

NB: Don't let him convert you, Liza.


7. Don't strip naked in your chariot.

LF: Nobody needed to see that. Nobody.

NB: Also, stop yelling "I regret nothing!". It makes those of us who actually regret things feel bad.


8. Don't spend all of training doing insulting impressions of the Careers.

LF: I'm getting Houghton flashbacks. Nickel, please take him back!

NB: You can keep him. I'm perfectly happy with Sesame, who's scared of her own shadow.

LF: Reminds me of someone. Can't think who.


9. Don't try to start a riot in the dining hall over there not being a gluten-free option.

LF: You don't even need gluten-free food. You're from Nine! Everything contains gluten! Why are you like this?

NB: It's a mystery for the ages.


10. Don't spend your private session doing insulting impressions of the gamemakers.

NB: Do you think he's the one, Liza?

LF: Yes. He is the one, Nickel. The chosen one.

NB: He's going to be even worse than me!


11. Don't spend your entire interview pretending to be allergic to bread and going into great and disgusting detail about your allergy.

LF: You told me that your angle was going to be "sex machine". How are allergies sexy?

NB: No words on how the boy from District 9 is allergic to bread.

LF: No words... I have no words...


12. Don't ask anyone if they want to play 'landmine chicken' on the podiums.

LF: I'm surprised that the boy from Eleven even- Whoa! He blew up!

NB: Did Derrick just kill someone... by playing 'landmine chicken'?

LF: 'Landmine chicken'!


13. Don't climb on top of the Cornucopia and sing a song you wrote about Emily Yeast.

LF: And you just got shot in the arm by a Career. Bravo, Derrick.

NB: You have to admit that this kid is brave. I'd be too scared of Emily to insult her.

LF: Again, you're scared of everything, Nickel.


14. If a Career shoots you with an arrow, don't start claiming to have had sexual relations with his mother.

NB: We're lucky that Surf's retired. He'd be killing us right now.

LF: Never mind Surf! Derrick's just stabbed a Career and... he's started making sex noises?


15. Don't make sex noises while stabbing one of the Careers.

LF: Now all the Careers hate you. Even more than they already did. I didn't know that it was possible.

NB: And they've tortured Sesame to death out of revenge. Shame.


16. If you need to relive yourself in the arena, do it discreetly. Don't yell "Check out my anus, Panem!".

LF: They're not even showing it to the public. When was the last time you saw a tribute relieving themselves on TV? You haven't. Because they edit it out.

NB: We're the only ones who have to watch it.

LF: Well, you don't have to, Nickel. Sesame's dead. You can go home now.

NB: I can't. I have to watch the chosen one.


17. Never, EVER, mention that our glorious president's name contains the word 'anus'. Ever!

NB: Come on! We've all had a good laugh about that at some point.

LF: And they've sent bats after Derrick. Now he has rabies. Fantastic.


18. If you wish to taunt your opponents as you kill them, please consider how angry their mentor will be at your mentor on a scale from one to Sotope Baymark.

NB: You just had to kill the girl from Five, didn't you?

LF: He did. Now stand there while Sotope throws chairs at you. I need a drink.


19. When a feast is announced, don't yell "Feasts are lame! I'm having a partay!" from the highest point in the arena.

LF: You're lucky that the Careers didn't hear you because they were too busy going to the feast.

NB: Also, don't say the word "partay."


20. Don't go on a rabid rampage and massacre all the remaining tributes in the arena. Just don't.

LF: Wait... Since all the other tributes are dead, that means...

NB: He won! He won! I knew the rabies would get to him!

LF: Nickel, he's going to be our neighbour.

NB: That's a small price to pay. I get to retire. I finally did it! I'm not the worst victor of all time anymore! I'm considering throwing a partay!

LF: Nickel! Don't let him convert you!


Me: Writes a chapter with victor prostitution, torture and child abuse, and kills off Lumas in a really heartbreaking way.

Also me: "Here, have this joke chapter."

Can we just take a moment to compare this chapter to the last one? It's definitely a change in tone. I think we all needed a bit of comedy. Derrick is an agent of chaos. He's that kid that you knew at school who you admired for his bravery but also wanted to shut up. I decided to use the 'X Rules that [insert name here] broke' format, since it's become a bit of a tradition among the fandom. I also finally got to use Nickel to his full comedic potential.

Even though it's not mentioned here, Derrick is the District 9 male who Liza ends up killing in the Quell. Snow obviously wasn't about to let his antics go unpunished. It's also worth noting that Derrick is District 9's last victor, while everywhere else has at least two remaining. This is likely out of punishment for his rebellious actions.

The rest of the forties are likely to return to my normal level of angst (the level I maintained for the first three decades). There will be a few more deaths among victors as more Quell victors are introduced but they won't be completely shocking.