I awoke to some grunting and confused mumbling at the other end of the bunk and ran a hand over my face. I felt a large hand curiously run over the smooth skin of my shin and I was even more awake.

'Oh smeg,' I heard Lister say and I turned my head to the side, trying to wake myself up a bit.

'So you're awake then,' I heard Rimmer comment and opened my eyes, staring straight at one of Rimmer's flared nostrils.

'Well it's a bit hard to sleep with you talkin' man,' Lister replied. 'And be quiet or you'll wake Teresa.'

'Too late,' I groaned. 'If it wasn't for the confused mumbling and exploration expedition up my leg I'm sure you're arguing definitely would have done it.'

'So you've done it then, well I must say Listy, you do work fast,' Rimmer said irritated. 'I can't believe this. She's been onboard less than a day and you've already taken her for a trip up shag mountain, population; a greasy, fat, monkey and some papadam crumbs.' I snorted.

'Rimmer what the hell are you talking about?' I asked, sitting up, bare legs handing over the edge of the bunk.

'You've slept with him, haven't you?' He asked, turning on me. 'You've slept with him. You've gone and done it, and just because he's alive too.'

'Well I don't exactly make habits of shagging corpses, as it goes, Rimmer,' I started, smirking. 'But if you must know, no, I haven't slept with Lister.'

'What?!' He replied shocked.

'You seem almost outraged,' I laughed.

'What gives man?' Lister asked. 'First you're mad I've slept with her and now you're mad she hasn't slept with me.'

'He just can't handle being wrong,' I answered. 'Poor guy, he's in permanent agony.'

'Oh shut up you gimboid,' Rimmer scowled and pointed at me.

'I'm not sure what you were expecting Rimmer, I'm not the ship's bicycle,' I said leaping off the bunk. 'Holly, if you see the skutters, could you please tell them to come and find me.'

'Of course, Teresa,' he replied. 'I'll get right on it.'

'Why do you just do as she says? You do everything she asks without question,' Rimmer rounded on Holly, aggressively pointing at the monitor while I padded out of the room.

I walked into my temporary room, decks below my own and stripped the moment the doors closed. I turned on the shower and started scrubbing my skin down, even though in my body's physical time I hadn't showered since yesterday, but yesterday was three million and three years ago. It was a little hard to wrap my head around.

After what was probably too long in the shower -but who cares because there's a large amount of crew members no longer requiring their water rations- I stepped out of the frosted glass tank to find three of the ships skutters waiting patiently in my room. One of them was holding a towel for me and I tried not to scoff in surprise, simply accepting the towel with a short thanks instead.

I quickly dried and dressed before asking them to follow me to the Machine Control Room to work on Holly and find out what's up with him lately. It was my current theory that he had an issue with his processor and perhaps needed to be re-calibrated and his RAM filtered and cleared. But that was assuming it was a simple problem, but, as I had learned working on Red Dwarf as long as I had, it rarely was just a simple problem.

'Holly,' I asked as soon as I walked in.

'Yes Teresa?' He replied almost instantly.

'What the fuck?' I asked, staring at the mess of wires and system shelves, ominous red lighting and general computer horror story that surrounded me.

'It's been a while since I've had a servicing, I'll admit,' Holly replied. 'I've done a lot of it myself with the help of the skutters while you've been away. It's a bit of a mess really.'

'I'll say,' I sighed. 'This'll take ages, Hol.'

'Well at least it'll keep you occupied for the next three million years,' he told me and I snorted.

'You could say that, yeah,' I agreed.

Shortly thereafter, I'd sent the skutters off on supply runs. Coffee, cable ties and velcro straps to organise and then coffee, my tool kit and an old rag to sob into while I worked on repairs. Some more coffee.


'I wondered where you'd got to,' Lister said as I sat beside the second shelf, reordering and zip-tying cables, velcro stripping the ones I would need to move and unplug or replace regularly.

'Holly's slow, and I wanna know why,' I replied with a shrug.

'Look, you're not taking this whole, forgotten about thing, personally are you?' Lister said as he sat on the bench top next to me while I kneeled, working away on wires.

'No,' I replied. 'I am upset I got forgotten about for 3 years,' I explained. 'But it's not Holly's fault. But something needs to be done or something really bad could happen.'

'It would be nice to have meteor warnings before we get hit by one. There's one embedded in the side of the ship,' Lister told me. 'It's huge, I could show you sometime if you want.'

'That'd be nice, I never really got the chance to go outside much before all this, I was usually in the drive room,' I explained. 'I was so happy to become the ship's mech just to have something less boring to do.'

'Rimmer makes me do the stocktake with him,' Lister said. 'Being out here in space, it's mostly all boring, you know?'

'Eugh,' I replied. 'Why's he wound so tight anyway?'

'I don't know, I don't think people are born smegheads,' Lister started. 'But with Rimmer, there's always an exception to the rule.'

'Let's grab lunch I'm starving,' I climbed up off the floor.

'Two chicken vindaloos half rice half chips,' Lister cheered walking with me back to the ship's cafeteria.

'Mmmm, I haven't eaten in three million years,' I hummed, thinking about how good it would be to have a hot curry.


'So tell me somethin',' Lister said as we sat in the ships mostly unused cafeteria, steaming curries in front of us and feet up on the table.

'Mm?' I asked chewing and poking at my curry with my fork. I looked up at him.

'I was reading Rimmer's diary, that's what gave us the idea to go to floor 16,' Lister explained and bit into his papadum. 'Did you really kiss Rimmer?' He looked disgusted.

'I don't know what happened to be honest,' I replied. 'The smeghead drives me up the wall. There was just something different that day.'

'What, did you have concussion?' He asked and I laughed.

'No,' I laughed. 'It was just heat of the moment. Do you really wanna know?'

'Well yeah,' he told me honestly. 'It's a morbid fascination but I wanna know. And you know you can tell me anything, right? You're like me kid sister.'

'And you want me to tell you all the gory details of me kissing Rimmer?' I snorted and watched his face screw up.

'Well no,' he told me. 'And yes. I don't want to know any sexual fantasies or anythin',' he said and I started laughing.

'I promise to keep stuff like that to myself you weirdo,' I chortled.

'Good,' he went back to his curry, waiting for me to tell him.

'Hollister was worried about him, that's why I went to go see him. And he was a mate of yours, whether or not you admit it or not. And I know, he drives you up the smeggin wall, he does the same to me. But that day, something was different,' I explained with a shrug.

'He must have had a complete personality transplant for you to kiss 'im,' Lister commented.

'When I was helping him he just gave me this complete look of adoration, nobody had ever looked at me like that before. It's not like I was short of people fancying me, not to sound stuck up,' I explained.

'No I know,' Lister told me. 'It was common locker room talk.'

'Gross,' I rolled my eyes. 'I mean Todhunter always seemed to have a thing for me, but with guys like him it was always status. Like I was a good name, a good rank and I had a close relationship with Hollister. I was an advantageous prize, but nothing more than a leg up.'

'Not to mention you're a pretty girl,' Lister told me. 'You look just like your sister did.'

'Mmm,' I replied. 'But Rimmer was the only one on the ship who seemed to fancy me just for me. Which was odd actually, you'd think it'd be him that wanted the status boost. So when he leaned in close and I saw him look at me like that I just kind of kissed him, and then I realised what I was doing and god I screwed up that day.'

'I'll say,' Lister agreed. 'You kissed Rimmer.'

'He seemed pretty upset about it actually,' I commented.

'Would you have done it again, if you had the chance?' He asked.

'We're three million years in the future without a body,' I told him. 'It wouldn't be possible.'

'But if it was?' He asked.

'I don't know,' I sighed. 'It's too weird to even think about.'

'Yeah, I suppose it is,' he nodded. 'It's just weird knowing that you of all people have kissed Rimmer.'

'That was three million years go,' I laughed.

'In the past,' he smiled. 'Ancient history.'

'Yeah,' I nodded, smiling sadly as I looked down at my curry.


'In the past,' Lister said. 'Ancient history.'

'Yeah,' Teresa agreed.

Well that was it, he'd missed his chance. Rimmer sighed. He'd been a fool. As if someone as beautiful as her would ever fancy him. As soon as he'd heard she was in the cafeteria he'd come running. Finally going to take her up on that offer of a cup of tea in the cafeteria. It had been too little too late. She'd be with Lister now, they'd always had a good relationship, and he was alive. He went to kick the wall beside him but his leg shot right through it. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. He thought.


'So are you gonna go back to working on Holly after this?' Lister asked, crushing a larger can.

'I should,' I sighed.

'Why? I mean, you've got the next three million years to fix Hol,' Lister said. 'When was the last time you have some time off?'

'Three million years ago,' I laughed.

'Exactly,' he grinned cheerily. 'Bunk off for a bit.'

'We should go down the disco tonight, you know, for old times sake,' I said, idea suddenly popping into my head.

'Brutal,' he cheered. 'That's the spirit, I'll get the gang together and we'll have a party.'


'God,' I groaned clutching my head as I lay on the floor of the officer's club. I pushed myself up off the carpet and stretched slightly before crawling over to the bar and getting myself a glass of water. I grabbed some paracetamol someone had decided to start keeping behind the till as well and thanked whoever it was for the several million year old drugs.

I sighed when the last of the water was gone and decided to make my way back to my room. I had to wonder how I got here though. I'd started out the night going shot for shot with Lister and the Cat. How I'd gotten here was a mystery to me. I shrugged, figuring it would eventually come back to me and if not I could always ask Holly. I headed down the decks towards the Machine Control Room to keep working on what I started yesterday, feeling all too ill to eat anything.

The ship lurched and I smacked into a wall, and hit the floor. 'Holly?!' I called out. I heard no response so I hurried down to Machine Control Room to go and dig around in Holly's brain. Once in there I looked at what areas of the ship were damaged. We'd been hit by a meteor. Damn. The damage report machine was damaged and I'd have to repair that before I could find out what else was wrong with the ship.

I pulled out the tool kit from under the shelving that I'd been working on the previous day and started at once. I didn't know what else could be wrong with the ship but I suddenly had a flash back to the joke I'd made when I woke up.

'Seems like everything on this ship is leaking,' I muttered. 'Radiation, stasis, what's next, oxygen?'

'Cheer up smeghead,' Lister grinned his signature cheesy grin and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, rubbing his knuckles lightly on my head.

'So what now?' I asked.

I knew we probably weren't leaking oxygen but on this ship anything was possible. Thankfully the bouncing around had only knocked some wires loose and it was a relatively easy fix. I re-soldered the mother board once I noticed that was loose too and closed her back up. Wasn't how I wanted to spend my hangover, repairing random pieces of machinery and surviving meteor blasts.

The machine blinked back to life and a report printed out. 'Great,' I muttered. 'The Holo-Suite it damaged.' Which meant that Rimmer was running around somewhere going bonkers. Not at all how I wanted to spend my hangover. I weighed up going to go and find him before I repaired the damage or after and shrugged, he was everyone else's problem. I would fix it and hope he goes back to normal. Or, what was normal to Rimmer.

As I got closer to the Holo-Suite I heard what sounded like yowling which I would have assumed was the Cat but it sounded a little bit like Rimmer, which peaked my interest. What kind of damage could cause Rimmer to turn into the Cat.

'Shouldn't this plug into something?' I hear Lister say just round the corner.

'Oh yeah, that joins up with the white cable,' Holly replied.

'The white cable?' Lister confirmed.

'Yeah,' Holly agreed. I suddenly heard electricity and strangled cries coming from the room and I ran the rest of the way down the corridor into the Holo-Suite. I got there just in time to see Lister be fired over the console in an explosion and smoke to billow out from the area.

'Or was it the yellow cable,' Holly replied. 'Yes I think it should have been the yellow cable.'

'What the fuck Holly?' I asked as I looked around.

'You are a total, total,' Rimmer stopped for a split second thinking. 'A word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one and a total, total one at that.'

'Alright everyone, keep your hair on,' Holly replied. I knelt on the floor by Lister who was regaining himself in a chair. I patted his knee softly and he nodded at me.

'I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge,' he grumbled which I expect I'd get an explanation about later.

'Yeah he's out to lunch man,' the Cat jutted out his chest angrily.

'He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot!' Rimmer grumble. 'He's not in for a single meal if you ask me.'

'Hey, who's that?' The Cat pointed to the other head on the console behind the counter.

'Aliens!' Rimmer said excitedly and ran in front of the console waving his hands about.

'Queeg,' Holly said.

'Who's Queeg?' Rimmer asked, having got up off his knees.

'I'm Queeg 500, the Red Dwarf backup computer. All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation Fleet are obliged to carry a backup computer to replace the primary computer, if the primary computer contravenes article 5,' the face explained.

'Shit,' I said out loud.

'I am therefore assuming control of this vessel,' Queeg told us.

'No,' I replied outraged.

'This is mutiny, Mr Queeg,' Holly said from his tv screen. 'I'll see you swing from the highest yardarm in Titan Docking Port for this day's work.'

'What's article 5?' Rimmer asked.

'Gross negligence leading to endangerment of personnel,' Queeg answered and I sighed.

'It's not his fault,' I said.

'Hang on,' Lister said getting up from his chair. 'You can't do this, Holly's got an IQ of 6,000.'

'Yeah, right on,' Holly cheered.

'Is that what he told you?' Queeg asked.

'Well what is it then?' Lister replied.

'It's got a 6 in it but it's not 6,000,' Queeg answered.

'What is it?' The Cat leaned forward in his perch.

'6,' Queeg replied.

'6? Do me a lemon, that's a poor IQ for a glass of water,' Holly replied indignantly.

'How come he knows all the answers to questions about science and space and stuff?' Lister challenged.

'He consults a book,' Queeg answered simply.

'What a slime ball,' Holly growled.

'He gets all his information on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book,' Queeg said.

'Oh god,' I rubbed my head.

'What's the book?' Rimmer asked.

'The Junior Encyclopaedia of Space,' Queeg answered. 'It's the only one he could find that had pictures.'

'How do you know that?' I asked crossing my arms.

'That's slander that is,' Holly said.

"I know all,' Queeg replied. He better not know about my secret shower time.

'You'd better find yourself a good lawyer guy,' Holly continued.

'So that's why he was never on the case!' The Cat cried accusingly.

'I am on the case,' Holly argued. 'I'm sharp, I'm kicking bottom.'

'How come he can navigate us back to Earth?' Lister defended, Peacock-ing like he's caught Queeg off guard.

'He can't you've been going around in circles for the last 14 months,' Queeg replied.

'You what?' Lister and I turned to the tv screen beside us at the same time.

'That's a load of Tottenham that is,' Holly told us. 'That's a steaming pile of Hotspur. I'm onto his game, he's turning you against me so he can take over.'

'It's not going to work Hol,' I patted the top of the tube tv comfortingly.

'This is not a matter for discussion. The decision has already been made, your terminals have been bypassed, you've been retired,' Queeg told us.

'Not by us!' I argued. 'Were the surviving members of the crew, if we decided to keep Holly that's on us.'

'You being the senior member of the crew would put you in violation of Article 5 as well,' Queeg told me.

'I'm in my prime,' Holly told him.

'You will be given light duties, night watchmen. From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500,' he told us. 'Kochanski Teresa, if you continue to resist you will be placed in the brig for your negligence.'

'You can't do this,' I told him.

'It's alright Teresa,' Holly told me. 'We'll get 'im. Just get on with things for now.'

I sighed and headed out of the room. He could fix the damn Holo-Suite himself, screw Queeg. Holly might have forgotten about me but it was his processor or something. He wasn't neglecting the crew, that was stupid.

'Teresa,' Lister called after me. 'Wait up.'

'What?' I asked as I turned around.

'We'll sort this, it'll be alright,' he told me.

'Look, between you and me,' I started and then looked at the computer screen beside me in the hall. 'Never mind,' I sighed. 'I'm heading back to my room to nurse this hangover.'