Chapter 21: Rivers of Doubt

Caladhel sought Haldir first at his talan, but finding it empty, she moved on to his parents' home in hopes he might be there. She was greeted on approach by a loud shriek of laughter and the bounding form of a small child.

"Calad!"

Caladhel could not help but share in Rumil's delight. She dropped to one knee and caught the child as he threw himself into her arms. She laughed at his enthusiasm and his attempt to address her by name. "Calad-hel," she corrected him.

"Ca-la-dell," he repeated.

"Better."

Rumil beamed with pride and turned back to his mother who sat observing the exchange from afar. He ran back to her, shouting. "Nana! Calad!"

Caladhel followed along the child's path and watched him climb into his mother's arms.

"Good day to you, Maerwen."

"And to you," the elleth replied.

"He grows so quickly," Caladhel said of Rumil. "He will be racing through the trees by year's end."

"I know it," said Maerwen. "Very soon Orophin will have to take over watching him for I will not be able to keep up."

The boy in question sat drawing at a low table a few feet away. "What do you think of that, Orophin?" Caladhel asked, but he did not answer her question, merely shrugged in reply. She thought his silence strange, for he was normally quite eager to speak his mind.

Caladhel frowned at the youngster before returning her attention to Maerwen. "I was looking for Haldir. Have you seen him today?"

Maerwen's eyes darkened a measure. "Haldir is not here," she said. "He and Thandaer had something of a heated argument. He stormed off a few hours ago."

"Do you know where he might be?"

"I am afraid not. I will tell him you were looking for him if he returns."

"Thank you."

Caladhel turned back in the direction she came but caught sight of Orophin watching her from out the corner of his eye. He dropped his gaze quickly when she looked his way, returning his attention to his drawings.

"What is wrong, Orophin?"

"Nothing," the boy replied.

Caladhel caught Maerwen's eye once more in silent questioning. The elleth frowned and shook her head. "May I?" Caladhel asked with a gesture towards Orophin.

Maerwen nodded and rose with Rumil in her arms. She entered the talan so Caladhel could speak with her son in private.

Caladhel kneeled down at the low table beside Orophin. She marked the troubled lines of his face and the effort with which he avoided her eyes. "Do you wish to tell me what is wrong?"

Orophin did not answer at once. He sighed, and glanced nervously in her direction before fixing his gaze upon the drawing beneath his hand. Upon closer study, Caladhel found the parchment contained not a drawing, but a collection of spiraling lines arching ever inward. The lines were drawn with a heavy hand, thick and purposeful. They resembled nothing, but were heavy with meaning.

Caladhel waited patiently for Orophin to speak, for she knew it was his nature. She had only to wait, and was rewarded for her patience less than a minute later.

"Haldir was angry today," said Orophin.

"Everyone gets a little angry from time to time," Caladhel replied. "Do you remember how mad he was when you threw all of your clothes from the talan and he had to climb down into the branches to retrieve them?"

Orophin surely remembered, but still he shook his head. "He wasn't angry then, not really, not like today." Orophin's gaze rose from the spirals beneath his hand and he met Caladhel's eyes. "Haldir held a staff against that king's throat so he couldn't breathe. The King pushed against it, but Haldir wouldn't let him go. I think the King was scared."

Caladhel had not been aware that Orophin was present during Haldir and Thranduil's confrontation. It was little wonder the child was troubled. "Did Haldir frighten you? Is that why you are upset?"

Orophin answered with a shrug, which was not enough to satisfy Caladhel. "You can tell me, Orophin. I will not tell Haldir. I promise."

Orophin turned back to the parchment beneath his hand. He set the charcoal once more to paper and began another spiral. "I wasn't scared," he said at last. "I wanted him to hurt that king."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because he hurt you."

Caladhel was struck speechless for a time and her extended silence must have unsettled Orophin, for he lifted his eyes from the parchment and watched her with a nervous expression.

"Where did you hear that?"

"From the Greenwood warden. He told Haldir."

"I see," Caladhel replied.

"Was he lying?"

Caladhel read easily the concern in Orophin's eyes. She did not know how to assuage it, but she knew deception would be of no benefit. "No," she replied. "He was not lying."

Orophin's gaze fell once more to his spirals but Caladhel was not finished. She reached out her hand and lifted his chin. "Look at me, Orophin," said Caladhel. She waited until she once more held his gaze before continuing. "I love you and I love Haldir. I love that you wish to protect me, but you must understand. Sometimes people make mistakes, and if they seek forgiveness, then we should forgive. King Thranduil has apologized for the injury he caused me, and I have forgiven him. I apologized as well, for an injury I caused him, and he has forgiven me. We are friends now. Do you understand?"

Orophin mulled over this new information in silence but the worry in his eyes was not diminished by Caladhel's words. Indeed, with each passing moment it grew in intensity.

"Will you forgive Haldir? Please. You must. You are his favorite person."

"Why do you say that?"

"He smiles more when you are here."

"That is your imagining."

"No, it's not," said Orophin. "I counted. He smiles twenty-seven times an hour when you are with us. He does not smile that much when he is only with me. Sometimes he can go a whole hour, like when he is teaching me archery."

Caladhel was unnerved by Orophin's intensity in this matter. He had obviously taken much time and effort to weigh his brother's fondness for them both. "Haldir loves you very much," Caladhel assured him. "You are his brother."

"Maybe he didn't want brothers. Maybe he wanted a sister."

Caladhel smiled gently at the boy and shook her head. "Haldir wanted brothers very much. He would ask your parents for a brother all the time when we were your age, but your mother was afraid to have more children while Sauron was a threat. That is why she waited."

"But maybe Haldir doesn't want brothers anymore," Orophin countered. "Maybe he only wanted them when he was little."

"Haldir was very happy the day you were born," said Caladhel, "just as he was the day Rumil arrived. Do you remember?" Caladhel knew he did, for she was with Haldir and Orophin that very day, awaiting the news of Rumil's birth.

Orophin ruminated on Caladhel's words and as he did so the smallest of smiles crept across his face. "He was very happy that day," said Orophin. "And he does like to hold Rumil whenever he comes to visit us."

"He liked to hold you, too, when you were a baby." Caladhel remembered those days well. It had not been easy to part Haldir from his newborn brother, even when Caladhel begged to hold little Orophin.

Caladhel laid a hand on the boy's head. "You must be patient with him, Orophin. Haldir is accustomed to young ellyn doing as he says when he says it, not to little brothers who do as they please." She tucked a strand of his golden hair behind his ear and tugged gently upon it, drawing another smile from Orophin.

Caladhel returned his smile with her own and rose to her feet. "Now, I must find Haldir. Do you know where he might be?"

Orophin shook his head.

"Do not worry. I will find him."


Caladhel learned quickly enough that finding Haldir was easier said than done. From his parent's talan, she first returned to hers and changed into a tunic and leggings. Running about the city was, after all, much easier in a pair of boots. She went first to the guardhouse, then to the archery fields. She visited Húlben and Nessimon and every one of his closest friends, but no one had seen him. She moved on to more secret places, the tree where he preferred to stargaze and his favorite spot to swim. She searched for hours, to no avail.

It was late when she made her way back to Haldir's talan in hopes he had returned. He was not there when she arrived so she waited on the terrace. She seated herself upon the edge and rested her arms and chin upon the low rail, her legs dangling over the side. She sat mesmerized by the lights of the city, wondering where Haldir hid at this late hour and if he would eventually return home that night. She resolved to remain where she was to wait for him, for she doubted sleep would find her if she did return home.

It was near midnight when Caladhel heard footsteps on the terrace. She knew the sound was deliberate so to rouse her, for Haldir was fully capable of approaching in silence if he chose. He settled himself on the edge beside her and they sat quietly for a time. They had been here before, after previous arguments, but no matter how deep their disagreement, they always made peace afterward. Caladhel feared this time might be different.

"How long have you been watching me sit here?"

"Two hours," Haldir replied.

Caladhel had expected him to gather his thoughts before approaching her, but two hours was an overlong length of time. "I would have thought Thranduil more intimidating, yet you did not hesitate to confront him."

"I do not fear Greenwood's king."

Haldir's tone was sharp but Caladhel easily picked up on his thoughts, unspoken. "But you fear me? Why? Are we not friends?" She studied his expression closely. The lines upon his brow deepened and his mouth drew further into a frown. He turned his gaze upon her then, and forced a smile.

"We are," he said.

Caladhel did not know why this fact should pain him. She would have asked, but Haldir spoke again.

"Why did you not tell me what happened?"

There was a great deal of pain behind Haldir's question. It made her silence sound like betrayal, which had not been her intent. "I told no one," she said, in a feeble attempt to soothe him. "Not even my uncle."

"Why?"

"Because, the story is… complicated."

"I find it simple enough," Haldir replied. "He hurt you and endangered your life."

Caladhel frowned at Haldir's summation. "That is not a fair accounting," she said. "You know very well how stubborn I can be when something is forbidden to me. Thranduil told me I could not return to Lórien without his leave and I willed to prove him wrong. It was a foolish decision."

Under different circumstances, Caladhel knew Haldir would agree. She was, in fact, certain he would have throttled her for her recklessness, if his anger towards Thranduil were not so blinding.

"I rode straight into a pack of orcs. I put my life in danger and the lives of his warriors as well. He took a poisoned arrow meant for me. I would not be alive now for us to have this argument if not for that fact."

"You would not have attempted to escape," Haldir countered, "if he had not first detained you without cause."

"All the same," Caladhel replied. "I could have kept a cool head and stayed put until his paranoia wore off. It did, after a time." Caladhel watched Haldir to see if her words swayed him whatsoever. By the anger yet burning in his eyes, she suspected not.

He turned his anger on her. "Why do you defend him?"

Caladhel met Haldir's anger with an equal measure of calm. "I do not defend his mistreatment of us, Haldir. The blame for your injuries and mine rests solely with Thranduil, but I will not allow anyone to shoulder a responsibility that is rightfully mine. You would see this, if your thoughts were not clouded by rage."

Caladhel saw she finally reached Haldir, for he flinched at her accusation. He was not one who allowed emotion to control him. She suspected he would come to regret his actions in time, though perhaps not soon.

Silence fell between them again and Caladhel watched as the anger in Haldir's eyes slowly receded. She was not foolish enough to think it banished entirely, but he had control of it now. She reached out her right hand and took hold of his. He looked down upon them in surprise and a measure of sadness. He turned up his hand to take hold of hers, their fingers entwining.

"You have forgiven him."

Caladhel knew it was not a question, but answered anyway. "I have."

"Why?"

Caladhel thought to remind him of the arrow, but she knew Haldir would not consider the sacrifice enough. He would name it duty, as surely it was. And while Thranduil's actions had drawn them even in Caladhel's mind, in truth, it was not the reason she forgave him.

"He feels remorse."

This answer, at least, gave Haldir pause, for he considered it a moment before responding. "How can you be sure?"

"Do you think me one easily deceived?"

"That is not what I meant." Haldir looked as if he would say more but the words failed him and he fell silent again.

"You, yourself, have told me I can be insightful at times," said Caladhel, smiling. "But in some things, I must admit, to being equally blind." She tightened her grip on his hand. "I have loved you always as a friend."

Haldir's gaze shifted from their hands to Caladhel's face. He did his best to return her smile, but sorrow lingered in his eyes. It was the pain of a long held resignation. "I know it," he replied. "I have known for a very long time."

"I am sorry."

"So am I." He lifted both their hands and laid a kiss on the back of hers as he had done so countless times before.

Caladhel did not know what to say or do in the face of Haldir's confession. On other nights, after other arguments, when she felt as terrible as she did now, she would take hold of Haldir's arm and rest her head upon it. It was what she wanted to do now, but feared the gesture wrong somehow. She feared, too, not to reach out, for that, too, would change their friendship forever. Fearing both choices, but one in slightly greater measure, she reached out her hand and took hold of Haldir's arm. He looked upon her hand in surprise but when he smiled, some of the sadness faded from his eyes. She returned the gesture before resting her head upon his arm.

They sat that way together under the stars until the pain of the day had mostly faded. Only one thing remained, one last topic Haldir finally breached as the moon climbed high overhead.

"You like him."

Caladhel did not think Haldir meant this as a question either, more an observation. Either way, she would not lie to him. "I like pieces of him."

"He hurt you once. He could do so again."

Caladhel was not so sure she agreed with Haldir's opinion. She thought back to her conversation with Thranduil only a few days before regarding Dagorlad and his father. If ever there was a moment when Caladhel risked unleashing Thranduil's wrath, it had been that night. And she had angered him, very much so, and in turn he walked away.

"He could," she replied, "but I do not think he would."

Haldir was not so easily convinced. "I do not trust him with you."

"Would you trust anyone?"

"Not easily."

"Do you trust me?"

Haldir gave serious thought to her question before he answered, "With my life."

Caladhel righted herself and looked Haldir in the eye. He spoke in earnest, as she knew he would. It was his way. "If you would trust me with your life, then trust me with mine."


It was long past midnight by the time Caladhel reached her talan. She was tired in body and spirit and wanted nothing more but to crawl into bed and sleep. Her plans were put on hold when she caught sight of a familiar face awaiting her outside her talan. She was not altogether surprised to see him, but wondered for what purpose he had come.

"You are late returning," said Celeborn.

"It has been an eventful day," she replied.

"So it has."

Caladhel did not bother to ask her uncle if he knew the events of which she spoke. She could see in his eyes that he did. It was why he sat waiting for her. He patted the space on the loveseat beside him, beckoning her to sit. She did not think to refuse the invitation.

"You look weary," he said, as she settled herself beside him.

Caladhel was beyond weary and the weight of the day settled upon her all at once. It forced a tear from her eye. She wiped it away with haste but another followed in its wake, and another. Her uncle's arm came around her and she leaned against him, accepting the comfort he offered.

Caladhel was never one for grand displays of emotion. She wept only once in her long life, the day her parents departed. Her uncle comforted her in silence, running his hand up and down her arm. She shed no more than a handful of tears before mastering herself, but afterward, did not withdraw from her uncle's embrace. She sat long with her head tucked beneath his chin drawing strength from his presence.

"I once thought sons would be easier," said Celeborn, when he thought her spirit calmed.

"And now?"

"Now I see they are trouble of a different kind." Celeborn hugged his niece and laid a kiss atop her head. "I am sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For inciting such chaos. It was not my intent upon sending you to Greenwood."

"What was your intent?" Caladhel did not disbelieve what Amroth told her of her uncle's purpose, but she wished to hear the truth of it from him.

"The truth?" he asked.

"I would prefer it."

Celeborn knew she would, and he regretted now his ill-considered deception. At the time he had thought sending Caladhel to Greenwood a harmless ploy, but it had turned out to be anything but harmless.

"I was much like him in my youth. Proud. Your aunt would say arrogant."

"I do not believe it."

Celeborn laughed lightly at the force of indignation in his niece's voice. "It was a long time ago," he replied. "Your aunt changed me, and I, her. I thought..."

Her uncle's words trailed off into silence, but Caladhel finished the thought for him, echoing Amroth's words. "You thought he would like me better than Celebrían."

Celeborn did not respond right away, but when he did so it was not the answer Caladhel expected.

"No. I thought he would love you."

Celeborn's confession stirred the memory of her earlier conversation with Thranduil. Caladhel had forced it from her mind before seeking out Haldir, but it took root now, demanding her acknowledgement.

If ever he harmed an elleth I loved…

Caladhel found Thranduil's sentiment disconcerting, for its violent nature, but even more so for his choice of words.

"I fear he might."

"Why fear?"

Caladhel shook her head but it did nothing to clear away her confusion. "I do not know."

"I think you do," Celeborn replied.

Caladhel withdrew from her uncle's arms and turned to face him. She intended to ask him what he meant, but the look on his face gave her pause - laughing eyes and a smile barely restrained. She knew that expression well, though it had been a long time since she last saw it. She recalled the very day and moment, the day she told her father she would remain in Middle-earth. He expressed his disappointment in her decision, and her uncle stood silent at his side, but with that expression on his face that marked his support. As the memories of so many past arguments flooded back to her, a question formed in Caladhel's mind. It was one she feared impossible to answer, but could not stop herself from asking.

"Why would he love me?"

"Why would he not?" Celeborn countered.

"I am hardly a proper lady."

Celeborn's smile widened and he shook his head. "I met hundreds of proper ladies before your aunt came to Doriath. None held a candle to her."

"Because she came from Valinor?"

"Because she was no proper lady."

Caladhel was surprised to hear her uncle admit so aloud. She knew the sentiment heartfelt. She could see it in his eyes. And of course, she had no reason to doubt him. He had married the great Princess of the Noldor, after all, and there was no doubt in Caladhel's mind of the love Celeborn held for his wife. But in truth, she had always imagined her uncle loved Galadriel despite her unusual character, not because of it. She was forced now to acknowledge her mistake.

Caladhel wondered if Thranduil thought the same way about her as her uncle did of Galadriel. It seemed as plausible a reason as any for his interest, but was insufficient to explain its seeming intensity. And it was the seeming, after all, that worried her, for beneath the mounting evidence that Thranduil's feelings for her were real, ran a river of Caladhel's doubt.

"How am I to know he does not think me a mere curiosity?"

"You could ask him," Celeborn replied.

Caladhel frowned at her uncle. She knew he was right. She knew, even, before asking. She had only hoped he might offer her an easier path.

"I suppose I will have to."

Celeborn laughed at the dour expression that spread across his niece's face. He laid a kiss upon her brow before standing, but instead of bidding her goodnight, he reached out a hand and lifted her chin to draw her eyes. His own reflected a measure of wariness.

"Be careful with him," he said of Thranduil. "I suspect he may be easily wounded, and an injured beast can be as dangerous as one enraged."

Caladhel acknowledged her uncle's wisdom with a nod, and after, Celeborn bid her goodnight.

Caladhel sat alone awhile under the stars, contemplating Thranduil and Haldir both. She asked Haldir to trust her, but in truth, she did not entirely trust herself. Her perception had failed her before. So, too, she might have misjudged Thranduil, for better or for worse. There was only one way to know for sure, but Caladhel worried how and where to broach the subject, for she knew all of Lórien's eyes and ears led ultimately to Alassiel.


A/N: A note on elven children: Elves generally have their children shortly after they marry over a span of a few centuries. Elven spirits master their bodies quickly, so a one-year-old elf can speak and dance. After, they age more slowly, becoming full-grown between 50 and 100 years. Since Tolkien left such a large time frame open for adulthood, in my tales I've framed it so 50 is the biologically adult age and 100 is full citizenship. Orophin is 20 years old but in form appears more like an 8-10 year old human. Rumil is under a year. Elves also avoid having children during times of war so they are prone to post-war baby booms. This is how I justify sundering Haldir and his brothers, placing Haldir/Caladhel's births shortly before the War of Elves and Sauron and his brothers shortly after the Last Alliance of Elves and Men.