It has been an exhausting day. The night before, she was on the Umi Ressha, convinced that she was going to die. And even if she was sure about her decision, the expectation of living a hell before her final breath was an emotionally exhausting situation. And there was also the physical exhaustion. The beaten she had received from the 'Spanda-guy', as Franky had called him, have left a bunch of injuries and bruises that were aching. A lot.
But there was more than just those two things that made Robin really exhausted. The first one was the unexpected loss of the Going Merry. Robin wasn't the kind of person who cried over material things, because she was used to lose the things she'd possessed every time she was forced to run away. But the fact that Merry was indeed 'alive', or something like that, and that it had 'died' was another kind of situation. Even with all her coldness, she was truly touched by the Merry's funeral, since it was the place where Robin, after 20 years, have found the nakama Saul told her she would eventually.
The second thing was the mixed feelings. Even if she was happy to be rescued, after 20 years of being told that she was better dead, she was truly doubting her self-value. Robin was sure the Straw Hats would never betray her, not after what they all have done, but she couldn't help but wondering if she deserved that much love. She had betrayed, kill, and put several people and organizations to their end. Even if it was all to survive, with all these years she had begun to convince herself that she was, indeed, a demon. The Demon's Child that all the people believed, and still believe she is. She was sure that, whatever the circumstances were, she had embrace that persona, and made a useful weapon of her 'demonic' image.
But the time spent while captured with Spandam had affected her more than she was willing to admit. His words had profusely entered her mind, and were threatening to break her at any moment. She felt humiliated. And she was carrying and suffering not only the emotional consequences of the episode, but the physical ones. Consequences that she didn't want to share with anyone in any way. The beating Spandam had provided her was the physical manifestation of the humiliation she had suffered, and the visible proof of the overwhelming shame she had carried for twenty years. It was the punishment for all the things she'd done in the past. And it was the payback for being vulnerable.
With that train of thoughts, she was now unsure on how to act among the straw hats. In Enies Lobby they had seen a Robin that she was sure she had buried long time ago. The vulnerable Robin, the emotional Robin. The Robin that was still a child willing for love and affection. The Robin that wanted so hard a place to belong. The Robin that, behind her cool and calm facade, was broken. Truly and irreparably broken. She wasn't the kind of person that knows how to be vulnerable in front of others. She felt ashamed for allowing all those emotions to overwhelm her in the Tower of Justice. Keeping her persona was easy before, because she didn't have any emotional connection with the crews that she had related, and the people among those crews hadn't seen her in such a vulnerable state. But the Straw Hats had, and she didn't know how to act. She just couldn't change her personality into the 'true' Robin, the one that was allowed to get overtaken by her emotions. But she felt awkward too with the idea of being her persona with the people she now consider family. br /br /Robin was so immersed in her thoughts that she didn't hear Nami steps approaching her on the empty deck of the Galley-La ship. Neither did she noticed when Nami stopped right next to her, and observed her with a worried face.
-Robin, Sanji is calling for dinner- Nami said after a few moments. Robin was startled after hearing Nami's voice so close. She had let her guard down. She couldn't do nothing but blame herself for the mistake.
-I'll go in a moment -Robin replied, trying hard to compose herself, still not making eye contact with her crewmate.
Nami was going to ask her if she was ok, but decided no to do it. Not because she was afraid of doing it, even if Robin could dismiss her intromission quickly, but because she thought she could find a best moment to do so.
