July 19th, 2019, National City
As far as nightmares go, this one is pretty straightforward, almost boring in its simplicity. Still, Lena finds it terrifying, and it always leaves her unsettled and drenched in sweat when she manages to wake up. It's always the same one, starts with the plane to devolve in the cold body of her brother and her own hand, fingers clenched tight around a gun, knowing bloody well who she's protecting by pulling the trigger. Sometimes Kara is there too, professing her love to absolve her lie.
This nightmare doesn't end with dawn. It follows her around every minute of every day, clutching at her insides and strangling her in her own untold confession. Some days she wishes she'd never turned around on that damned plane ; some others she's thankful that she did, because it's one thing her brother didn't take away from her.
She hasn't brought herself to forgive Kara ; she can't. If she does so, it'll open so many stifling doors that she will drown. She wishes back to simpler times, when loving Kara didn't hurt so much, when it was just the quiet pain of being in love with her best friend. Now it hurts, so much, and all the time. Some days she can barely breathe and all she can do is numb herself with expensive whiskey until she tumbles into another night of restless sleep.
On her bedside table, her alarm clock glares at her ; she glares right back. It's barely 4am but she knows she won't be able to fall back asleep, the sun will be up soon anyway. On its charging dock her phone buzzes restlessly and she identifies it as the culprit of her early rising. She makes out the letters of Alex's name, another person she hasn't talked to in a while ; she ignores it, choosing instead to swing her legs out from under the covers to get a start on her day. And then she hears it. A sharp sound, a rumbling, a whistle cutting through the air louder and louder until it's too late, and unescapable.
Warm familiar arms wrap around her, sweeping her from her spot in the nick of time. She feels herself being carried away in a flurry, her face hidden and protected by a cape that smells of ozone and lavender. As soon as there's ground underneath her feet again she scrambles out of reach, grateful that Kara doesn't try to hold her back. Acrid smoke fills the air all around her, she feels nauseous, her ears ringing from the recent impact that took out most of her apartment. She hesitates to open her eyes, has to eventually, and when she does, there's a charred spaceship in the remains of her living-room.
This doesn't seem real. It can't be. It's nothing but a new variation of her nightmare and Lex is going to pop out of the ship, maybe with a few terrifying robotic addendums and he will shoot her. Or maybe Kara ; and Lena will wake up safe in her bed, plagued with the feverish dream of her former best-friend bleeding out in her arms.
But she doesn't wake up ; and nothing happens. The ship keeps on burning slowly in her living-room and she stays still, shivering in an old t-shirt, stunned by the realisation that just when she thought things couldn't get worse, now she doesn't have a place to live anymore.
"The DEO is on its way," Kara says quite unnecessarily.
"I know," Lena snaps back immediately, "I'm not stupid Supergirl." The name stings on her tongue, but to her credit, Kara hides her flinch well.
"I'll check it out," Kara says after a second, taking a decisive step towards the fire.
Lena's gut reaction is immediate, and before she can stop herself, she grabs a fistful of the cape and stops the all powerful hero in her course. "Are you fucking crazy ? It could be dangerous !"
"And someone could be trapped inside," Kara replies, gently shaking Lena's fingers off her cape. "Someone could need help, and helping is what I do."
Lena decides to ignore how this feels like Kara is defending herself all over again.
Kara freezes the ship like it's nothing, then, with a casual tap of the finger, she breaks the thin sheet of ice. She stares at it for far too long, all sense of urgency seemingly forgotten and Lena shuffles discreetly to get a better view. Right before Kara rips the door open and disappears inside, she catches the sight of a long green glowing tear down the side of the hull ; this can mean nothing good.
There's a ruffle inside the ship, the sound of something metallic being dragged away and seconds later, Kara bursts out with a frail and young looking figure in her arms. "They're alive," she mumbles, her voice much weaker than it should be. "Barely. We need to get to the DEO." She staggers forward and Lena feels realisation downing on her in slow motion. Kara stumbles, catches herself shakily and her arms tremble under the weight of someone who should weight nothing to her. Lena feels sick to the stomach as her eyes drift up her silhouette and she notices the green veins pulsing on every inch of exposed skin. "Kryptonite," Kara supplies for her before she drops the body, bends in two, and promptly vomits on Lena's socked feet.
This is a nightmare.
Tenderly, Alex brushes away a couple of strands from Kara's forehead. She wants to joke about her break-up haircut, but Lena fucking out of their lives hurt Kara too much for her to even consider making fun of her sister out loud. She looks better know, her skin regaining its usual healthy glow by the minute under the new and improved sunlamps. A gift from Lena ; because even know they're not speaking, even if everything has crumbled away and Alex isn't sure her sister will ever be okay again, Lena Luthor is here to help.
She's here too, sitting on an uncomfortable chair as far from the rest of them as the room allows. She insisted on staying, begged in an almost dignified way, and nobody had the heart to send her home. She's in love with Kara ; they all know that. She's sitting with her shoulders tensed, her fingers clenched on her lap and her eyes darting left and right every couple of seconds like she expects another terrible thing to happen. Alex can't blame her, her life is a perpetual nightmare.
Alex tried to talk to her, she went as far as putting a foot inside of her office before she was manhandled outside and all access privileges were revoked. She had half a mind of telling her about the time someone infiltrated her mind and she almost killed her sister, she wanted to tell her that she might be able to help with what was happening in her head in the aftermath of killing Lex. She texted it instead, and never got a reply.
Nia walks into the room, bleary eyed, with a large take-away coffee in one hand and a steaming mug of tea in the other. She offers the mug to Lena who after a short moment of deliberation takes it from her and mutters a weak "thank you." She takes a sip, hums appreciatively and her shoulders unwind for what Alex suspects is the first time in a long time. With her hands wrapped around the mug she looks less lost, and less threatening.
"I didn't find much," Nia reports, taking a long gulp out of her scalding coffee. "Brainy didn't pick up any distress signal and there are no reported crash anywhere else. Most of the things in the ship have been burned beyond recognition, but I recovered this."
She slides a handle off her shoulder and a blackened backpack tumbles to her feet. It looks distinctly Earth-made, almost like an old-school Eastpak, and it's covered in various patches ; a gay flag, the House of El crest, another flag, yellow, white, purple and black, that Alex knows she's seen somewhere before, a space ship, and for some reason what looks like a striped shark. The only patch burned beyond identification is of course the one with remains of a name.
"This doesn't make any sense."
"Agreed," Nia says with a disproportionate nod. "I thought you said the kid was Kryptonian."
"I though so," Alex mumbles. "There's the Kryptonite poisoning and the fact that she..."
"They," Nia corrects mechanically, kicking the backpack closer to Alex to fully expose the unknown flag. "Probably," she adds after a short pause.
"They," Alex repeats, resuming her train of thoughts, "didn't suffer much damage from the crash. The worst of the injuries seem to have happened before the ship arrived here."
She walks closer to the now asleep stranger, all trace of pain erased by half a dose of the strong drug they keep at disposition for Kara. Their suit is torn in various places but the bloody gashes are receding into thin scars, and though their skin is still tinted a pale green, their breathing evened out and their heart beats steadily. She stares at their face, trying to put a finger on what's wrong. It's a feeling that hasn't left her since they wheeled the alien in the med bay, the uncanny familiarity of the short unruly blond hair, the almost recognisable slop of the nose and the nearly known sharpness of the jaw. Behind her, Kara starts steering and Alex abandons her observation in favour of checking on her sister.
"You okay ?" she asks as a habit, helping Kara up against the pillows. Now awake, her sister looks like she needs a ten years nap, the glow of her skin balanced by the dead weights in her eyes.
"I feel like shit," Kara mumbles ; and if she's swearing, it's serious. She glances around the room and Alex gives her all the space she needs. It's a mistake, but she doesn't realise it until Kara's eyes fall on the stilled figure on the other side of the room. "Lena," she whispers, the name falling out of her lips like a prayer.
Lena uncurls from her chair and leaves the room without looking back.
Kara acted without thinking. She acted without thinking and she does not regret it, because when it comes to saving Lena, there's nothing she wouldn't do. It was a relief even, doing something that involves Lena without overthinking it, without having the time to think about how it would make her angry, how she would push her away again ; Kara just knew she had to save her, and so she did. She spent the past few weeks hovering in the shadows, holding on to her promise of being there for Lena, always. She took out goons before they could reach her, flew a bomb into the stratosphere before it could take out her press conference, burned her dinner when she picked up the distinctive smell of cyanide wafting from the take-out container. Lena doesn't know, but Kara doesn't intend on stopping protecting her anytime soon.
It's been hard though, having Lena on her mind every hour of every day and every minute of every night, knowing that the love of her life hates her with every fibre of her being. She doesn't even know what she was expecting, what she wanted to happen when she took her glasses off and disclosed her identity as well as her love. She doesn't want a relationship with Lena, can't allow that to happen. She loved Thara and Krypton exploded. She liked Kenny and he died. She fancied James and her aunt tried to enslave humanity. She got wrapped up in Mon-El and his mother tried to take over the planet. Lena would be the straw that breaks the camel back. It was a spur of the moment confession, it tumbled out of her mouth and the more Lena stayed there frozen, the more Kara dug up the rift between them with her words. She should have kept her Raodamn mouth shut.
And Lena is gone now, wants nothing to do with her, couldn't even stand being protected by her for the ten seconds it took to get her away from the wreckage. Losing Lena weakened her more than Kryptonite, but it doesn't even hurt anymore, not really. At this point, Kara is used to the pain ; the ever present ache in her chest is just part of her life.
"She'll come around," Alex says, checking her blood pressure and getting her out of her head. "She stayed until you woke up, that's progress."
"I miss her," Kara whispers hoarsely.
"I know," Alex replies, and somehow, it's all she needs to say.
Kara stays under the sunlamps for another hour. She doesn't need to, but they make her feel fuzzy and warm ; safe too, in a way she rarely experiences anymore. Unfortunately, it gives plenty of room for her thoughts to take over her but Alex has a remedy for that. She stays there with her, perched on the edge of the bed, and reads extracts from a nonsensical science journal that keep at bay Lena's hatred, and Red Daughter's fate, and the new Kryptonian asleep in the other bed. She doesn't think that anything can be done to make her feel better but somehow, her sister manages to do just that.
Lena doesn't leave the DEO, she merely slips in the room next door and takes a seat next to, well she doesn't really know how to call her. "The Clone" seems insulting, "Red Daughter" reminds her too much of Lex, and the alliteration in "Kaznian Kara" is jarring to her ears. Every time she's visited, Lena has just settled for not calling her anything.
She doesn't even look much like Kara anymore, with her whitened hair, her badly reset broken nose and the scars that constellate her skin. From what she's gathered, no one really knows what to do with her. She's not dead, but she's not exactly alive either ; she's just there, hovering between these two states as everybody waits for her to tip to one side. Lena doesn't know what would be preferable, she just knows she doesn't deserve to be left alone in an unfamiliar environment, and hopes that if she does wake up, it'll happen at a moment she isn't alone. Maybe that's why she keeps on visiting, just in case Red Daughter awakes.
Even the new sunlamps haven't been able to do much for her, the combination of Harun-El and regular Kryptonite having damaged her skin beyond repair. Frankly, it's a miracle that she's still breathing on her own. Or maybe it's a curse, placed there only to remind Lena of her wrong doings. She shakes her head at that thought. Even she can see how narcissistic this is.
Sitting next to Not Kara (Not Kara would be a good name for Red Daughter if it didn't contain the name Kara in the first place) usually makes Lena feel better. Maybe because this person is simultaneously Kara and not Kara and Lena craves Kara just as much as she can't bear to think about her. She wants to hate her but can't and it's the worse possible thing that could happen. For the longest time, she couldn't get behind Kryptonite as a romantic metaphor ; it simply isn't. She's a scientist, she's seen first hand what Kryptonite is like, what it can do ; there's is nothing romantic in the pain it brings, loving simply shouldn't hurt. But now that she's apart from Kara, now that the very concept of her existence aches in the deepest parts of her body she thinks she gets it ; Kara has become her Kryptonite.
She doesn't stay long, can't with Kara just next door. Before leaving, she squeezes Red Daughter's hand, stands still for a moment waiting for movement, then marches out of the DEO and straight to her office, not caring one bit for the sight she offers with her unruly hair, sweatpants and borrowed tactical boots. It's Sunday anyway, it's not like anyone is going to be there ; or that there's anyone left to care in the first place.
There's nothing to do at the office. She's been here so much in the past few weeks that there isn't even one file she can read or one project she can tinker with. She's left with nothing but her thoughts and a vague sense of hunger reminding her she probably forwent dinner last night. She must fall asleep at some point, because she blinks, and when she next opens her eyes, she's in the plane again, with Kara.
"I'm so sorry I left you alone back there," Lena says, the familiar scenario unfurling without her accord. "I put you in danger."
"I was fine. I am fine," Kara says. Lena knows that now.
"When I saw Eve," Lena keeps going despite herself, "I just saw red. Shot me right back to the initial betrayal. I... wasn't thinking clearly."
"You don't have to explain anything to me," Kara cuts, "I know how much she hurt you."
"Kara ! Please !" Lena shouts, knowing she's about to turn around and willing herself not to, just this once. "I'm trying to apologise to you. That explosion could have killed you."
"It..." Kara gulps, "it wouldn't have. Lena..."
Lena turns around, eyes glued to the ground as the fear of losing Kara rushes through her veins. "I don't let my guard down, ever. And I did with Eve and she betrayed me. I let her in and she lied to me. Every day. To my face. About who she was. And that's what hurts. I don't." She's about to look up, knows that the need to see Kara alive is about to overtake her and it will be the end of everything. "I don't know if I'll ever recover from it, but I know there is no way I could ever trust anyone ever again if it wasn't for your friendship and your integrity. It just. It means the world to me, Kara."
"I'm always gonna be here for you," Kara says, her voice ever so warm and reassuring in that way that makes Lena absolutely melt.
Lena looks up. Fucking hell, she looks up. And she sees Kara, her best friend, sans glasses and with her hair down and for a moment it doesn't register. All she sees is the blue of her unbarred eyes, the golden locks framing her face, the beauty that effortlessly radiates from her. She could confess her love right then and there.
"But I lied too," Kara says, and it hits Lena in the face. "I'm Supergirl. I've always been Supergirl. I should've told you so long ago, I, I know that. But I just kept making excuses because you've been hurt so many times and I convinced myself that I was protecting you. And then one day, you were so angry with me, with Supergirl. But you still loved Kara. I just kept thinking if I could be Kara, just Kara then I could keep you. I was selfish and scared, and I didn't wanna lose you, so I kept pretending, and I never stopped. Every time I kept my secret from you, I wasn't protecting you, I was hurting you, just like everyone else, and I am so, so sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry. Please say something."
Lena doesn't even try to influence her nightmare anymore, Kara's speech knocks the wind out of her every fucking time.
"Please," Kara whispers, "please I'm in love with you. Say something."
Like love can make it any better.
Lena gasps awake, grateful that for once, her dream didn't give her the time to kill her brother. She's cold, not that it's unusual these days, Kara's absence seems to have suck out all the warmth in the world, but she's colder than she should. She blinks heavily and surveys the room, finding the culprit in the open balcony door. It was closed when she came in.
A box has been left on her desk and she approaches it slowly, but with the uncanny feeling that she's safe, and it's not a trap. It's a simple cardboard box with slight hand shaped indents on its sides and when she takes the lid off she finds nothing but her own stuff and Chinese take-out from Kara's favourite restaurant. She considers just dumping the whole thing in the trash because Kara clearly brought this here, but she's hungry, so she swallows her pride and digs in the familiar Pekin duck, still hot enough that she knows Kara warmed it up for her.
When she's done with her food, she starts unpacking. After all, she has nowhere else to go for the time being. She finds a couple of carefully folded business' attire, underwear, her favourite mug, Kara's NCU sweater that she never gave back, the book she was reading just the night before and her phone, fully charged. There's another, smaller, box underneath everything and this one, Lena grabs with the intention of throwing in the trash ; but curiosity gets the better of her and she misses Kara with everything she has, so, she opens it.
Inside is a watch, bulky, almost ugly, and not at all like anything she'd ever wear. She knows what it is. She's seen it before, on James' wrist, he wouldn't even take it off during mediocre sex ; and on Alex's, as her only accessory beside her gun. It's a signal watch. She pops it open with all intent on calling Kara so she can break her hand on her face, but when she does so, a piece of paper slips out of it. She picks it up absentmindedly and unfurls it carefully, smoothing it over several times before she dares to read it.
I will always be your friend. And I will always protect you. Even if you hate me.
This sparks something inside of Lena. Something both freezing cold and burning hot and she doesn't know if she's been finally swallowed by her sadness or if it's rage tearing her apart. She launches forward, trips and staggers out on the balcony, catching herself on the railing before she can go any further. "I don't hate you you bloody idiot !" she screams at the sky, the words angrily tearing out of her throat and making her lungs ache with lack of air. "I'm just hurt !" Her knees shirk under her weight and she falls to the smooth concrete floor, rolling over into a ball before she can think better of it. "And I don't know how to make it better," she whispers, knowing that Kara will hear this last part just as well as her previous words. "Please, make it better."
Taylor comes to to a world of unprecedented pain. It feels like their skin is being seared of their bones. Like nails are running through their veins. They try to concentrate on the world around them, but everything is burning and their nose is filled with acrid smoke. Behind them, the door busts open and cold air rushes in, making the fire roar even higher. Whatever is coming, they won't be able to defend themself. Familiar arms wrap themselves around them and Taylor thinks they catch a whiff of lavender before the pain becomes too much.
Taylor awakes again to a completely different environment. The air is clean and warm, and they feel fuzzy and safe. Underneath their fingers are the DEO's med bay scratchy sheets ; they made it, they're on Earth. With some difficulty, they open their eyes, and the face that appears in their sight is familiar, but also wrong in a way they can't quite grasp. "Alex ?" they mumble, blinking to get rid off the last of the haziness.
"Who are you, and how do you know my name ?"
