A flash of green light.
"Call me when you land."
Pain.
"I love you."
They struggle to breathe as fire courses through their veins and they register the sudden disappearance of strong warm arms previously wrapped around them. The world flickers between darkness and bright pulsing green until their eyes manage to focus on the light grey floor underneath their feet and without understanding why, they get the impulse to run. As soon as they start doing so, Crucible Academy manifests around them, but the faster they run, the faster the school disintegrates around them until there is nothing but void, and a perpetual fall.
"Call me when you land."
Taylor gasps awake, wondering for much too long what stopped their fall as they try to get a hold of their erratic breathing and assess their surroundings. Moonlight cuts a straight line through the room, landing on the sheets twisted around their legs. The sight helps grounding them, bringing a reminder of their own body and how it currently exists in the space they occupy. They're in bed, in Lena's penthouse, not hurtling through space and time, and not dying.
Slowly, they manage to regain control of their breathing ; and when they feel like they can move without accidentally breaking through things, they slip their legs out of the sheets to hug their knees to their chest. Though they aren't cold, they shiver, missing the warmth and presence of the one person that doesn't yet exist in their 2019 world ; Max. They don't even have a substitute for her here, no one that will be her in the future, and though it most certainly is for the best, it doesn't help. They've spent almost everyday for the past three years with her and the fact that she simply isn't here now doesn't seem real, and it certainly doesn't feel fair.
Max would know what to do. Max wouldn't have panicked and made things worse. Max, Max doesn't know where they are now.
Taylor wonders for a full minute if anyone has noticed their disappearance yet. Probably. They can't really pinpoint when they arrived in 2019 but they've probably been gone for long enough that their mothers are ripping through the cosmos trying to find them. The question is : will they think about ripping through time ?
They think about their Yeyu, the panic and misplaced guilt she must be feeling after thinking she discarded her child in space, House of El style, only for them to not return. It's not true of course, she isn't responsible for any of this, and that's exactly what their Mum must be repeating to her over and over again, as she tries to hide her own distress. Taylor wishes they had a way to reach out, to send a simple message, I'm here, it's not your fault come get me home please. But without a time beacon, there isn't, and though they love their uncle Brainy, they wish now more than ever that he hadn't stupidly forsaken his right to return to his own time. They never asked if he feels out of place, never considered for one second that it could be hard for him. Maybe meeting Nia righted all the wrongs.
Ruffling reaches their ears, the familiar sound of fingers on paper, of a page being turned in the next room ; Lena is awake too, reading, like she often does late at nigh, or early in the morning. It appears to Taylor then, clear as day, that there is a way they can signal their presence ; a very simple one.
Carefully, intent on not making a single sound, they pad out of their room and to Lena's office, pushing open the unlocked door to find the massive bookshelves that have followed Lena here from her trashed apartment and will then move, Taylor knows that, to the Luthor-Danvers family home. They're sturdy, made of imported Irish oak because Lena is nothing if not consistent, and Taylor has known them their whole life. Later, the bookshelves will be moved to a descent sized library, filled with comfortable plush armchairs and home to their first accidental flight experience. For now the bottom shelves are filled to the brim with science journals, but soon enough they will house comics and children books that Taylor will carefully pick for bedtime stories, bargaining for two or more and winning easily when their Yeyu will be out crime fighting and their Mum won't want to be alone either.
Or not. Maybe this is never going to happen at all.
Blinking back frustrated tears, they run their hands on the shelves, trying to think of a book her Mum might turn to in times of distress. It's not an easy task ; their Mum reads a lot and it must be a book that's connected to Taylor, otherwise it might be read at the wrong time and the message will serve no purpose. Cursing their lack of flight, Taylor climbs on a chair to reach the top shelf, home to the books Lena doesn't care much about, and of the ones she tries to hide from her own view. There, they find a brand new copy of On a sunbeam, a recent gift from Kara that Taylor knows Lena will never read and that will stay here until they themself pick it up and haul it everywhere for two full years, mildly obsessed with the concept of fish shaped spaceships. They received a digital version of it right before leaving for Crucible, and if everything is right, this exact copy still sits, in 2044, on their bedside table. It's a long shot, but it's worth trying.
In the hope that their Mum might find refuge in their room, that she might pick up this book trying to feel close to her missing child, Taylor retrieves it and hops down the swivelling chair. They crack the book open, speed read through it until they reach the page where a mother ships her child to school and there, in the margin and in pencil, they write Taylor, National City, 2019. It's discreet enough that they might not pick it up the numerous times they will read it, but it's there, and they hope that their distressed mother will understand. Hope is just about everything they have right now.
"Can't sleep either ?" a voice sounds behind them, startling them out of their thoughts.
Taylor wheels around, book clutched to their chest ; it's not often that anyone can sneak up on them, even when they were powerless at Crucible. "Sorry," they say. "I was just looking for a book."
"It's alright," Lena replies softly, "I'll let you go back to it. Feel free to read anything you want."
"What are you doing up ?" Taylor asks, trying to keep Lena with them for just a moment longer.
"Trying to invent time travel," Lena says, waving around the thick journal she holds in her hand. "But I'm not getting anywhere."
"You can try again tomorrow," Taylor points out when Lena blinks sleepily and yawns.
Lena shakes her head, then nods. "I can try again tomorrow. Do you want some tea ? Or would you rather go back to sleep ?"
"Tea sounds good."
Lena nods again, walks out of the room with the journal still in her hand. She looks tired, and a little bit sad. With a sigh, Taylor climbs back on the chair to put the book back where it belongs. A shadow briefly falls over them and they almost fall off, unbalanced by the speed at which they turn to the window. For a brief second, they swear they see Kara hovering out there, but the silhouette disappears in the blink of an eye, and maybe it's for the best.
It takes Alex a couple of hours to find Kara and when she does, she would kick herself for not thinking about looking for her here right away. It's as a last resort that she unlocks this door, and when she finds her sister asleep in front of Alura's hologram, the relief she feels is enough to overpower her slight anger at Kara running away. She's slumped forward, head resting on her knees, hair falling over her face and hiding her features from view. She's basked in the soft blue light of the hologram and when Alex turns to look at Alura, she finds on her face a soft expression that she would have never associated with this woman before. She's never been too fond of Kara's mother.
"Oh hi Alex," the hologram says, "Kara attempted to contact me but by the time I could call back she'd already fallen asleep. Is she okay ?"
"She will be," Alex mumbles, crouching next to Kara to tenderly wipe the dried tears on her face.
"Then I'll let you take care of her," Alura says with a smile. "She seems to need to rest."
And just like that, the hologram flickers off. Alex barely resists the urge to hurl something at it ; this is why she can't get behind Alura. This is the woman who shot her daughter in space with no semblance of a concrete plan, the woman who turned out to be alive but never visits, the woman who, in the first place, knew about Krypton's fate and didn't do anything. It's a bit easy, Alex realises, to pin all of Kara's troubles on one person, but it's easier than fighting against nothing.
At the disappearance of the blue light, Kara starts steering awake. She groans, leans heavily against Alex like she's the only thing tethering her to the world, and in this moment, it's probably true."What's happening ?" she asks hoarsely.
"Your mother called back," Alex replies softly, tucking a few strands of hair behind her sister's ear, "but you were asleep. We can call her again if you want."
Kara straightens up, her features hardening in an unsettling way. "No. It's okay."
Alex though, refuses to let her go and she tugs at her until Kara goes slack against her seemingly emptying herself of all the air she's ever breathed as she does so. They stay like that for long minutes, unmoving, waiting, maybe, for the other to say something, for words to appear to make it all okay.
"Did something happen with Lena ?" Alex asks eventually, trying to keep her voice as levelled and soft as possible. "She seemed intent on talking with you."
"I don't want to talk to her," Kara replies with a strange sort of finality that takes Alex aback more than she'd want.
"Did something happen," she probs again, "to make you not want to talk to her ?"
Kara tenses, trembles, her arms taut and her fists clenched tight ; Alex doesn't move back so much as an inch. "Isn't it obvious ?" she seethes.
"No Kara, no it's not. Please," Alex says, "explain it to me. So I can help."
"You can't help me."
"I can try. Haven't I always tried to help you ?"
Kara goes slack again. Her body weights a thousand tons and she's heavy against Alex, but again, she doesn't move.
"Every time I let my guard down, every time I care about someone, something bad happens. Thara on Krypton."
"Isn't Thara alive now ?"Alex interrupts gently. "On Argo City ?"
"That's not the point. I had a crush on her. And now Krypton is gone."
"Kara that's now how..."
"Kenny. Dead. James. Astra tried to enslave all of us. Mon-El. Rhea tried to take over the world. Lena. Lena is the one I like the most. I love her Alex. If I let go, if I give in, something terrible will happen."
"If you let go, you could be very happy."
"If I let go," Kara counteracts with so much self hatred that she might explode from it, "I'll sign her death warrant. Everything I touch turn to ash, everywhere I go I bring doom. I let myself care for my child for a minute and the city was nearly destroyed by a tidal wave. I'm a menace, I can't let go."
"This was nothing but a coincidence Kara."
"It was not ! There are patterns. The odds are not in my favour. If I love her it will kill her."
"It won't," Alex says slowly, trying to find the words that will make it better, trying to craft the perfect sentence to unravel her sister's pain and make everything okay. "Lena can take care of herself, she knows what she's doing. And you don't bring pain and death wherever you go, that's not true. You help people. Not just as Supergirl. But as Kara. You help, you bring love and happiness. You make Lena happy. And you make me happy. You're my favourite person in the world."
"Jeremiah is gone because of me."
"Dad made his own conscious decision." Alex frowns, and she's grateful that Kara isn't looking at her right now. "Lillian is in prison, and we're working on dismantling what's left of Cadmus. If he wanted to come back, he would. That's not on you. Not every bad thing that happens is on you. Can you say that for me please ? Not every bad thing that happens is on you ?"
"No."
"Kara please."
Kara sighs. And her words are begrudged, she doesn't want to say them, but still, she looks at Alex and she tries, and it's a start. "Not every bad thing that happens is on me."
Alex chuckles sadly. "You don't believe a word of that, do you ?" she asks.
Kara doesn't dignify her with a response, but there's a hint of a smile on her face, no matter how small.
"I think you should talk to someone. Not right now if you don't want to, but ultimately. I'm going to work on bringing more therapists to the DEO, so you can choose someone who'll be good for you."
"Okay," Kara whispers, and though Alex is mildly taken aback by the lack of fight, she accepts this small victory.
"For now though, you're gonna get cleaned up and we're gonna go for ice cream, alright ? Then I'll go home to Kelly and you'll go think about everything and if you want to talk to Lena, I'll be there, and if you don't want to, I'll be there anyway."
Not effortlessly, Alex gets up, dragging Kara with her. As soon as they're upright, her sister tumbles into her arms ; and she hugs her a little too tight, but they both need it. "Thank you," Kara says, barely over a whisper.
"Always."
Kara doesn't go to Lena right away. It's not that she doesn't want to, she craves her, needs her around like a flower needs the sun ; but it wouldn't be right. Deep in herself she knows that they need just a little more time. More time to be angry, more time to be sad, more time to forgive themselves and each other. And it's not just about Taylor. It's not about Lena rejecting Taylor when Kara was there for them and it's not about Kara rejecting Taylor when Lena finally showed up. It's about everything that has happened before. The lies, the fights, the hurt, and the deeply rooted love that sometimes make it hard to breathe. Kara needs some time to think.
She takes a long scalding hot shower, hoping it will melt away the terrible things that cling to her. All it does is cleaning the remains of ice cream that dots her face but still, she does feel a bit better by the time she exits the bathroom, dressed in threadbare sweatpants and a t-shirt she stole from Alex when she left for college. It stopped smelling like her sister about ten years ago but it's well worn and comfortable and most of all, it makes her feel safe.
She's at a loss, then, for what to do. She wanted to give herself time to think, but thinking is unbearable and she can't make sense of the things in her head long enough to even begin. Nothing is right anymore ; and truthfully nothing has really been right since Krypton exploded but she'd managed to built a sense of normalcy that now lays shattered at her feet. It's happened before, her bubble bursting, the outside world and everything that she's repressed tumbling on her until she can't breathe, until she wishes she would have died on Krypton with no second thoughts for what she built on Earth. But this time, it feels different, and it means that in a way she was right, Lena is the straw that broke the camel's back ; no matter how things go now, her normal will never be the same.
And maybe it's okay, maybe change will bring good things ; but it's hard for her to feel this way when change has so seldom brought kindness to her life. It's hard also, to tell herself that it's not her fault, to realise and drill into her brain that she isn't a harbinger of doom. Tragedy has followed her from the start, and she can't fathom why it would change now ; no matter how irrational it sounds, there's no way this isn't her fault.
When she stops to think about it for more than five minutes, when she can breathe and divert her brain from the death of everyone and everything long enough to be coherent, it also sounds strangely egoistical, the way she places herself at the centre of every bad events. And egoism is not a kryptonian virtue. Not that there's much that tethers her to Krypton in the first place.
And this, this is very much not okay. Not just the fact that she's lost Krypton, she knows there's nothing she can do about that ; but the fact that she has managed to retain so few things about her world, that she's made herself human enough to lose her connection to her culture while remaining enough of an alien that she'll never truly fit here. Not even finding out her mother was alive could bring this back to her. She's a hybrid. Not quite a Kryptonian anymore and very much not an Earthling ; no one has ever managed to bring these two parts of her together. Not Alex, no matter how hard she tries ; and not anyone she's been with before, not Adam, not James, and certainly not Mon-El. For all of five seconds, when she revealed her identity to Lena, she thought she could be the key, she thought she would make her whole ; and maybe she can. If they stop backtracking every time they take a step towards one another, if they stop fighting and hurting, maybe Lena can make her feel normal. And if Lena tethers her then maybe the rest will come easy. But for that she needs to let go, and it's easier thought than done.
Alex loves sleeping at Kelly's. She loves how her apartment isn't open-planned like hers, how it has real secluded rooms and how her bedroom is a cocoon of warmth and safety. She loves waking up next to her, legs tangled in the sheets, light streaming in the room because she can't sleep in the dark. She loves getting ready with her, exchanging glances over perfect cups of coffee and brushing their teeth next to one another. Getting dressed and undressed, being slightly late. She likes when they sleep at her own place too, and she doesn't mind spending nights apart either, this early in their relationship, it's important that they keep slight boundaries ; but mornings at Kelly's are her favourite, and they always have her strutting in the DEO with an unshakable grin.
Today, she has no problem listening as Brainy babbles on and on about the prerequisites for the new protective gear they have to order ; she doesn't even consider calling J'onn to ask him how he dealt with boring things like that. She doesn't bat an eyelash when she notices Kara has emptied the vending machine of all Chocos, and she doesn't think about complaining when she walks past the lab and sees Lena seems to have decided to reorganise it entirely. What does take her aback though is hearing the telltale sound of concrete being smashed to pieces when she swears she just saw Kara hanging out on the opposite side of her personal training room. Literally hanging out, from a metal beam, while not so subtly keeping an eye on the lab and shedding cookie crumbs all over the place.
She enters the room cautiously, fully aware that she should not startle whoever is inside if she doesn't want her face to become closely acquainted with a heavy object. It happened once already, when she snuck up on Kara and ended up with stitches and a new haircut because she couldn't be bothered with picking that much concrete out of her hair. The figure in the room is shorter than Kara, though not by much, and their hair is different, but from behind, they share every other characteristic with her sister ; broad shoulders, impressively quick and steady feet, frighteningly powerful punches.
Alex watches her future nibling for a moment, observes the way they move, finding familiarity in their fluidity and stances. She doesn't want to interrupt, even considers retreating back to her office and letting Taylor unwind the way they need to, but the next time they go to take a swing at the quickly diminishing slab of concrete, she sees specks of blood flying and her eyes zero in on raw fists, the skin painfully teared open in multiple places.
"Taylor ?" she calls out from the stairs. "Everything okay here ?"
Taylor freezes almost comically, up on one leg with the other half raised in the premise of a kick. They stay like that for a second before whirling around too fast for Alex to follow.
"I'm fine," they mumble, dusting their clothes hastily. "Am I allowed to be here ?" they ask, less aggressive, more hesitant.
"Of course," Alex reassures, starting her descent down the stairs at a slow pace. "Of course. I'd like to take a look at your hands though, if that's alright with you. Then we can spar if you want, so you can let out steam in a less harmful way."
Taylor stares for a moment. Alex doesn't feel like they're really looking at her, but more at her outline, like they're trying to fill her silhouette with something that isn't there. "Okay," they say eventually. "If you're not busy."
"I'm not," Alex answers quickly. It's not entirely true, she has a meeting in fifteen minutes, but Taylor needs her more right now.
She patches them up quickly but gently, disinfecting the wounds and wrapping their hands in fine gauze and taking the opportunity to collect a blood sample ; there has to be a reason why they're not back at a 100% of their capacities yet.
While she busies herself with that, Taylor doesn't say much. They don't seem like the quiet type, and Alex can see their eyes flickering on everything with intense curiosity, can sense the questions bursting in their brain, but she also understands why they choose not to talk so she doesn't push. She also lets them take the lead to the Kryptonite training room, aware that they need to regain whatever control they can.
"You have Kryptonite in there ?" Taylor hisses, taking a step back when Alex turns the emitters on.
"You don't...?" Alex asks hesitantly. "How do you dim down your powers for training ?"
"Red sun emulator. Using Kryptonite is sort of barbaric."
"I never thought of that... I can turn it off," Alex offers though it's admittedly not the best of ideas if they intend to train here.
"Nonsense," Taylor fires back, stepping into the ring after shedding their hoodie. "I don't want to accidentally snap your neck."
"I trust that you won't," Alex says, taking her stance in front of them with an open smile.
"You shouldn't," Taylor whispers with a sudden, almost feral, grin. "I scored high marks in all my sparring classes."
Alex gets her legs taken from under her before she can muster a retort. She jumps back to her feet and feigns an attack of her own, failing at catching Taylor off guard. She falls back, dodges their grasp and manages to lend a hefty roundhouse kick that gains her precious seconds.
"So what kind of school did you go to ?" she asks, blocking one punch and deflecting another just enough that it doesn't hurt too much, the fist sliding on her cheek instead of landing on her nose. "What kind of place teaches sparing lessons ? Is that just a thing in the future ?"
"Crucible Academy," Taylor huffs, bending to avoid Alex's hand. "Intergalactic school for heroes."
"What ?"
Taylor rolls their eyes, lazily avoiding another punch, and, both feet momentarily leaving the ground, they lunge back and land on their hands before falling to a perfect fighting stance again. Alex feels like she needs to give up now, and go back to bed. "Space boarding school. And before that I spent a summer on Themyscira learning sword fighting. And you taught me, you will teach me, how to throw my first punch."
"I can see how that will be a thing," Alex says, glancing down at Taylor's feet to admire the posture that took her hours and hours of repetition before she got it right herself.
"Really ?"
"Yeah," Alex says with a smile, "you leave the same stupid openings as I did."
It's not true, Taylor's fighting form is perfect, but it surprises them enough for their next strike to be a little slower, for Alex to grab their arm, twist it behind their back and send them to the ground head first with a swift elbow to the middle of the back. She allows herself a second to breathe, doesn't expect them to get up as quickly as they do, and before she can truly grasp what's happening, the room spins around her and she lands harsh on her back.
"I don't leave stupid openings," Taylor groans.
"You do," Alex mumbles, rolling forward, swiping their legs from under them and sending them both tumbling off the platform. Once again, and though they take the brunt of the fall, Taylor is up quicker, and Alex finds herself pinned down, face smashed in a fine layer of dust. "Okay," she concedes, heaving and puffing, "you don't. You're very good at this."
"Thank you," Taylor replies cockily, extending a hand to help Alex up. "You're not so bad yourself."
"Respect your elders," Alex mumbles, rubbing her painful ribs. "God," she groans, "I miss when I didn't systematically got my ass handed to me by Kryptonians."
Taylor laughs sharply. It's brief, but it's the first time Alex hears them laugh and she can't help but notice how much they sound like Kara. "Was that ever a thing ?"
"I'll have you know," she replies, wiping her sweaty hands on her legs, "that Kara used to be a very bad fighter."
"I know," Taylor whispers, "you told me that already." Their smile disappears as quickly as it made its way to their face, and they tense, pushing on the wall they're leaning on to make their way out.
"So hero school ?" Alex asks softly, scrambling to fall in step next to them before they can exit the room. "Is that what you want to be ?"
Taylor stops abruptly and Alex finds herself ahead of them, almost at the door. She turns back, finds them lingering, looking everywhere but at her. "I don't know," they admit before suddenly whirling around and marching right back to the platform to sit on it. Alex joins them slowly, sitting down at what she deems to be the perfect comforting distance.
"It's not a given, I don't want to go in the hero business just because I'm Supergirl's kid. At first, I only learned how to fight as a way of owning my powers, otherwise, I'm a brain person, I like learning, books, quiet," Taylor sighs, and after a short second of deliberation, Alex lays a light hand on their shoulder. "I breezed through school, it was almost too easy. But then I was done with college at eighteen, wasn't sure I was ready for real life and when Crucible contacted me precisely because of Supergirl I jumped at the opportunity. I wanted to see if I could do it for myself and not just because of my family. And also a little to push adulthood back."
"So what's the verdict ?" Alex asks. "If there is one ?"
"I love it. I love helping, I love being useful. I accidentally stumbled upon a rebellion and participated in saving millions of people. There's a spot with my name on it in the intergalactic forces. I could carry out Yeyu's legacy. But I also enjoy lots of other things. Technically, I'm a marine biologist. There are dozens of things I want to do with my life and now I'm here and I don't know what I want anymore."
"You have time to figure it out," Alex says, squeezing their shoulder. "And you won't be here forever. It can be a learning opportunity."
"But I also don't know how long I'll be here. I can't make any plans, everybody's taking turns at hating me..."
"I don't hate you," Alex cuts quickly, revolted by the mere idea.
"Kara..."
"Kara is stubborn and slightly traumatised she'll..."
"If you tell me she'll come around," Taylor grumbles, "I swear to Rao I'll find a way to send myself farther back in time where none of you are."
"Okay," Alex says, raising her hands in surrender, "okay. I won't say it. We have some staffs laying around, if you want to not think about any of this and teach me sword fighting instead."
"Do you want to get your butt kicked that much ?"
"That's my preferred method of learning," Alex laughs, rising to her feet and offering her hand to help Taylor up. Her sister's child looks at her for a minute before accepting her hand, their brow set, Kara's infamous crinkle resting between their eyes, but Alex refuses to falter, she's been confronted to a lost alien once and it turned into the best part of her life, she can do it again.
Lena notices her right away. She knows it's scientifically inaccurate but to this day, she's still convinced she somehow developed a Kara radar, an uncanny ability to sense her when she's close. It's what causes her to glance up from her work just in time to notice Kara shuffling on a beam almost out of view ; and after that, it's impossible for her not to know she's here. She can feel her intermittent burning stare, and every time she looks up, she catches sight of her in various positions, hanging upside down, sitting with her legs swaying wildly, or in the perfect imitation of a sloth. It's okay at first, even if she doesn't like it Kara has always been a soothing balm on her mind and her remote presence helps her work ; but it soon grows to be infuriating and the third time she burns her thumb on her soldering iron because she glanced up at her, she snaps.
"You can come in you know," she mumbles under her breath, knowing that even if it's inadvertently, Kara is listening and will hear her.
Her silhouette shuffles on the beam, and soon her boots appear instead of her dangling hands and she drops to the ground, landing in a graceful crouch before promptly tripping on thin air when she takes her first step towards Lena. She can't help but scoff at the sight, Kara's clumsiness meeting Supergirl's dexterity lightening the load in her chest.
"I was hoping we could talk, if that's okay with you," Kara says, hovering awkwardly on the threshold. "I brought a peace offering," she adds, extending a half eaten pack of Chocos.
"Depends on what you have to say," Lena grumbles, wondering already if inviting Kara inside was a good idea. These days their relationship is one step forward and two steps back and sure, she has herself done the majority of the backtracking, but Kara did too and the ground beneath them is too unsteady for Lena to know where to stand. "You can keep your biscuits."
Kara looks at her hands for a good minute, fidgeting annoyingly with the plastic wrapping and with a sigh, Lena returns to her work. They're getting nowhere and the more Lena looks at her the more she misses her and, "I'm sorry," Kara suddenly says causing Lena to drop the hot iron on the table. She looks up from her work and her heart misses a beat.
It's not the words Kara said, Lena has heard this exact sentence so many times that she isn't sure it still means anything. No, it's the way she says them with sincerity and conviction with no trace of the desperation that has coated all of her previous attempts. She stands tall before her, shoulders drawn back and head high and she says it again, "I'm sorry."
Lena's mouth drops open of its own accord. She has no intention of speaking, doesn't know what to say anymore.
"I'm not perfect," Kara says, "far from it. I'm leaden with by my past, I get so angry sometimes, and scared, that I act without thinking and I hurt people. Or I think too much and it does the exact same thing. I'm so, so afraid of losing you that sometimes when I'm around you I can't breathe and I'm sorry for drawing you close and then pushing you away, it wasn't fair. I've never had much luck with relationships, every time I get close to someone it ends in absolute catastrophe and I'm so in love with you," Kara says, her voice cracking on these exact words, "that I'm paralysed, thinking of what will happen if I let my guard down. This is not an excuse, it's an explanation, and if you can find it in yourself to forgive me for the way I've treaded you like crap as Supergirl to then comfort you as Kara, if you can get past the way I played you, I'd like for us to try, in any capacity you can. Because you're my Red Sun, my sense of normalcy, my home, and if you let me, I'll work everyday of my life to do right by you."
"I," Lena says, wondering by what kind of miracle she's still standing when her legs are trembling so much she might be about to trigger a small scale earthquake, when her ears are ringing so much from the blood pumping in them that she isn't sure she even truly heard what Kara said. "I," she tries again, "that's a lot of words."
"Sorry," Kara whispers, hanging her head in shame.
"Don't be. Can you forgive me too ?"
"I've already forgiven you," Kara replies immediately.
"You don't even know what I'm apologising for," Lena says, bitting back a smile.
"I. You're right," Kara chuckles, the low sound setting Lena on fire. "What are you apologising for ?"
"For the way I treated you after you came clean," Lena whispers, trying to pour her heart in her words without baring too much, afraid still of Kara pushing too hard or flying away. "I'm not apologising for being angry, for being hurt, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you, not that hard."
"I understand, and I forgive you."
"I heard what you said," Lena continues, "and I forgive you. I think it's time I stop being angry at you, I want to let go of the hurt, I'm so so tired of being hurt. But we can't just pick up where we left. I don't want to rush into things I want you to work for me and I want to work for you. Taylor isn't a magical fix, just because we're okay in the future, just because we have a child together doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows right now, we have to work to get there, I want us to make the effort to be better. And you also have to apologise to them."
"I will," Kara says with a decisive nod and a smile so bright Lena is just about ready to throw caution in the wind and marry her right here right now. "I will apologise to Taylor and I will work for you. I promise."
"That's all I ask for."
"Can I...?" Kara starts asking, her smile dimming down with sudden shyness. "Would it be okay if I hugged you ?"
She looks down at her feet, shuffling awkwardly in place and god, Lena loves her so much that it hurts in a different way.
"Come here," Lena says, and a second later she finds herself wrapped in the arms she's missed so much, safe and warm for the first time since she put a bullet in her brother's chest.
The hug starts lax but she hangs on to Kara like a buoy in the storm and in turn Kara hugs her tighter, enveloping her in her dizzying scent of ozone and lavender. Lena buries in the crook of her neck, intent on never ever moving again, even if the world falls apart around them.
A loud beeping is what ends up separating them, a light blush peeking under Kara's kryptonian complexion and warmth coating Lena's own cheeks. She turns back to the watch she's been tinkering with all morning to find it glimmering, a small holographic disk hovering over it and projecting in neat writing : do you want to signal your time position ?
