Blood letters
I feel disorientated . I'm not sure if I dreamed or if I've just been thinking. I hear footsteps nearing my door. It must be morning already. If I slept, it was in this very corner and only for a few minutes. The door opens and I make out two silhouettes approaching me. One remains standing while the other kneels next to me and takes my wrist.
- His pulse is too weak.- says the man - He needs to eat. -
- Give him another 25 of Anafranil.
It's Doctor Kane who's in front of me then. Although her image is somewhat blurry, her voice is unmistakable. It's colder than the floor I'm sitting on.
The assistant does as he's told. His icy hands hold my arm, I feel the needle piercing my skin and the cold liquid making its way through my veins. I close my eyes. I've learnt not to put up a fight. When I open them again, the images become sharper and some clarity returns to my mind.
- Leave us.- says the doctor.
The assistant exits the room and she remains there, standing in front of me.
- Let's talk, Arthur.
As for her indifference, Doctor Kane reminds me of the social worker I was seeing when I was still free. However she was…how to say it… less persuasive in her methods. Let's just say that Dr. Kane has more means to force a patient and she's not afraid to make use of them.
- Why do you refuse to eat?
- I'm not hungry…
- We can't let you starve to death.
- I get it. It would be an inconvenient to the institution…
- You understand perfectly. Let's talk then. There must be something you want. We all want something.
- But I already have everything I want.
- How so? You have nothing. Not even your freedom.
- Hahaha - I laugh.
People are so damn simple. They only perceive the things they can see. To want something makes a man a slave, a slave to hope. It forces him to carry on even when he shouldn't. Kill the desire and you will kill deception, too. I desire nothing and therefore I have everything… I even have my freedom, because my body may be trapped between four walls, but my thoughts are beyond these iron bars, far beyond any horizon.
- What's so funny?
- Hahaha, you wouldn't get it...
The both of us remain silent for a while.
- Arthur, are you hoping to die?
- I don't desire death …- I say shrugging - …But I'm not keen on living, either….-
- How about a cigarette?
The doctor searches her pockets, takes out a package and offers me a smoke. I do my best to ignore the tempting offer. I surely miss smoking, but I can handle it. So I simply decline with a gesture. She puts away the package.
- You know I can have you put in solitary, right?
Fort he first time since she came in, I look up and look her in the eyes. Her face smiles down to me but her eyes betray her. Her voice gives away the not so subtle menace.
- I've lived in solitary my entire life… Don't waste your time with me, doctor. The only thing I've ever wanted not you and not anyone can give me.
The woman turns around and leaves without a single word.
Tuesdays are visitation days. Every inmate in Arkham is allowed visits as long as his behavior has been adequate…whatever that means. I realize it must already be 3 p.m. when I hear footsteps. The inmates head to the main hall and the corridors get filled with voices. I can't hear what they say but I can certainly perceive the excitement in the atmosphere. The only good day of the week for an inmate. I get up and stand behind the door of my cell. There's a tiny window through which I can see a part of the main hall. Tuesday afternoons are what mark my notion of time. This moment is my only guide to sail through the immense ocean of time. Another week has gone by.
I see the doctors standing next to the inmates. Both groups are dressed in white, but it's not hard to tell them apart. It's the way they walk that gives them away. No doctor walks with a bowed head and no inmate walks in a hurry. I remember the days when I worked at the children's hospital. I used to wear one of those white robes on top of my clown suit. "Doctor of laughter", that was me for a few days. Some of the inmates are handcuffed but most of them have their hands free. If I had someone to visit me, I'd be among the first group, for I've been labeled as "highly dangerous" ever since I arrived here.
Suddenly the doors open and the visitors start to flow in. Those strange men and women that seem to come from another world. Their colored clothes inject some life into this white cemetery, making it tolerable for a few hours. It's this moment when my heartbeat inevitably speeds up. For a few minutes I become a prisoner of that what I'm so desperately trying to run from…hope. The illusion of someone coming to see me is stronger than reason itself. I know very well that I have nobody. I know that nobody will come. And still I can't stop searching for her face amongst the people that come and go. The doors close and the inmates head towards the neighboring rooms along with their families. Only a few doctors remain in the main hall, which is as far as my eyes can see.
I turn my back to the door and slide down to the floor. My heart resumes its apathetic rhythm and my sight gets lost among the white bricks again. I close my eyes.
- Fleck…Arthur Fleck -
I open my eyes. Did someone say my name?
- Please… -
I know that voice. I jump to my feet and look through the window. It can't be. It's her! It's Sophie! Sophie, you came to see me! You didn't forget me! It's Sophie with her brown coat and a strip around her hair. Sophie who holds a bag in one hand and my heart in the other.
One of the doctors walks up to her. I can't hear what he says, but I can hear her.
- Please, let me see him.
- There's no way, madam. Please, try to understand. He's a dangerous criminal.
No, no, please! Let me see her! I wouldn't hurt Sophie. I never would! Not her. Please!
I see her arguing with the doctor but he just shakes his head. Another man in a uniform walks over and takes Sophie's arm.
- I'm sorry, miss, but you must leave.
- NOOO!- I yell, punching the door - SOPHIE! SOPHIEEEEEE!-
She can't hear me. The walls of my room don't allow it. The officer guides Sophie to the exit door and she vanishes from my sight.
- SOPHIEEEE!
It's useless. I drop myself on the floor and wait…I wait for hours.
The door opens. It's the assistant who came earlier this morning, now bringing me supper. He puts the tray down on the bed and heads out again.
- There's something I want…tell Dr. Kane.-
The young lad seems surprised.
- Alright.
I sit down on the bed and inspect the food. It looks disgusting. I don't have the least desire of eating. Minutes later the door opens again.
- They said you wanted to see me, Arthur. What is it?- the doctor asks without coming closer.
- There's something…something I want…
- And what is it?
- First I need to know that you'll give it to me.
- That's up to you… will you eat?
- I will if you hold your end of the deal.
- I'm listening.
- A woman came to see me today. They didn't let her in. I have the right to a weekly visit, just like any other inmate.
- I can't give you that. I can't jeopardize the safety of any person who would want to see you.
- Then there's no deal.
- Very well.
The doctor walks towards the door.
- Wait…
She stops and turns around.
- I want my notebook. That. My notebook.
She looks at me with some distrust. She seems to be evaluating the chances.
- Finish your meal and I'll see that you get it.
She stares at me. She knows that if she leaves I'll just flush the soup down the toilet. So I do my best and force myself to finish up to the last spoonful of soup. I feel nauseous.
The doctor seems satisfied and walks out. A few minutes later her assistant returns and hands me my notebook. It brings a lot of memories back. I open it and find it just as I left it. There are still the rests of paper from the two sheets I tore out. One became a flower and the other a letter.
The assistant picks up the tray and the empty bowl of soup.
- Wait! - I say before he exits - You didn't bring me a pen.-
- You asked for the notebook.
- How will I write if I don't have a pen?
- That's not my problem. You asked for the notebook.
And with that he walks out.
I tear out one more page. I need to write to Sophie. I need to! I have the paper but I don't have the ink. I look around. I need something, anything I can use to write. Nothing, I have nothing. Damn it! I wasted my chance asking for a notebook that's no good for shit! Despair overcomes me and I bang my head against the wall. One, two, three times, harder each time. It's all useless. I will never see her again, I will never get to speak to her again…
Suddenly a drop of blood falls on my white clothes. My nose bleeds from the punches. The drops become a stream. I wipe it with one hand and my fingers get stained with red. Hold on…
- Hahahaha!
Of course, that's it! I pick up the paper sheet and with the ink of my veins I start to write.
- Hahahaha!
My fingers draw inevitably big letters. I will need more than just one page to write it all down and I will definitely need more ink. I bang my head against the wall again until enough blood is flowing from my nose to write everything I need to say to Sophie.
I tear out another and another sheet. I fill them out on both sides. I think I wrote an entire book. My sight goes blurry, I feel dizzy. I can hardly recognize the letters I'm forming. I only see red stains…then black satins in front of my eyes. The room is spinning and suddenly everything goes dark.
