Shadows

Winter has finally arrived in Gotham. I don't know what day it is, but I can feel a more intense cold creeping into my room through the walls as I put on my makeup. It's difficult to do it with just one free hand and nothing more than a steel plate for a mirror, but I paint my face every day. I do it because I want to wear my true face but also because I want her to see me smile. It's Tuesday after all.

When Sophie comes to see me, my grey week fills with colors and I can feel the music inside me again. The sky grants me one day for every thousand nights.

The big hall is filled with visitors. Fort he first time I don't need to watch from my window. I'm here even though with my hands tied and a guard standing next to me. And I'm waiting for someone. I begin to understand that this is the biggest treasure a man can have… someone to wait for.

My heart beats faster as I see her come in through the door. She's wearing a black coat, thicker than the brown one she wears in autumn. Her hands hide inside a pair of gloves and a red scarf around her neck brightens her face. Her eyes search for me among the other people and they smile once they spot me. I get up and Sophie greets me with a hug that my tied hands can't return.

Before either of us can say a word, the guard takes my arm and guides me to Dr. Kane's office. My Tuesdays are a little different than those of the other inmates. The only reason I'm even allowed a visitor is that I agreed to the interrogations. Sophie comes with me and waits for me outside. She's not allowed to go in but I know she observes from the window. I know she's there and I know if I speak, I will have twenty minutes with her afterwards. That was the deal.

I don't like these sessions. I don't know how to answer the questions they ask me because I don't know what it is they want to hear. The doctor records all of our conversations, everything that I say. To my right the guard watches me closely. Any movement from my part, no matter how little, is interpreted as a threat. I don't feel like the devil, but I am to them.

Doctor Kane goes through some of the documents and takes notes but I can't read her writing. She's got all of my records right there on the table inside the folder that has my name on it. Case 4478. The papers inside know more about my past than I know myself.

- Tell me about the sessions you had with your therapist.

- What do you want to know?

- What was the purpose of them?

- I don't know.

- What happened during these sessions?

- She asked questions and gave me prescriptions. She didn't care about the answers. I went in for the prescriptions.

- I see here that you were on seven different medications, most of them antidepressants.

- Yes.

- Did they make you feel better?

- I felt nothing.

- Were there any moments when you felt better at all?

- When I was around Sophie.

- I see. Would you say you felt happy in those moments?

- I don't know. I don't understand that word very well.

- How would you describe your feelings when you were around her?

- I felt alive.

- Did you suffer from depression?

Sometimes people have sadness inside of them the same way they have black hair or brown eyes. They simply have it. For what I know, sadness has always been a part of me…like a shadow. Is there a man on earth that can separate from his shadow? That sadness greeted me every morning when I woke up and it went to bed with me at night. It danced beside me, laughed at my jokes and cried with my tears. It peeked over my shoulder when I wrote my journal and looked me in the eyes through every mirror and every window. Sadness has been my companion as I walked the streets of the city and it gave me comfort as it sat next to me when I was beaten down. She is the only one that has seen every corner of my darkness. I don't fear her, for I know her and she has become my friend. Even right now she sits beside me and her words, just like mine, are immortalized in the records. Even when Sophie is around, sadness sits between the two of us and on those moments it smiles at me because sometimes sadness can have so much beauty. Not all tears are bitter.

- Arthur?

- Yes?

- I asked if you suffered from depression.

- I think that's what the records say.

- The day you shot those three men in the subway, you weren't taking your medicines anymore. Is that correct?

- That's right.

- Why did you stop taking them?

- Social services were cut. I couldn't get the prescriptions.

- For how many days had you been off your medication?

- I had run out of some of them, others I still had left. I don't remember exactly.

- On the day of the event, did you feel any different due to the absence of your drugs?

- I felt the same as always.

- Did you experience any hallucinations, anxiety or panic attacks?

- No.

- Would you say something unusual happened that day?

- I lost my job.

- Why did you shoot those men?

- Because I got jumped.

- I see. But I need to establish why you reacted the way you did.

- Because I got jumped.

- Would you say that you lacked clarity in your thoughts?

- No.

- Did you feel like you were doing something you didn't really want to do?

- No.

- That's all for today. We will speak again next week. The state will provide you a lawyer by then.

The minutes with Sophie in the big hall are precious to me and I don't want to waste a single one talking about Dr. Kane but Sophie wants to know.

- They say they'll give me a lawyer and I will see a judge in a few weeks.- I explain.

- That's ok, Arthur. I'll be by your side and I'll help your lawyer defend you.

- But Sophie…how can a lawyer defend me if I'm guilty? I never denied what I did. That's why I'm locked up here, right? I don't understand. What does a judge want from me?

Sophie takes my hands in hers. She looks like she wants to say something. She seems to be looking for the words she's missing.

- I don't know either. But we'll figure it out together. I promise.

Sophie kisses my hands. Why are there tears in her eyes?

There is yet another kind of shadow I perceive. Only this one isn't by my side, but hangs above me. It comes around only sometimes, leaning with all its weight on my shoulders. I can't see its face, I don't know it nor understand it but I perceive it. Dark and silent like an invisible threat. My other shadow fears it, for both are not alike.

- Sophie?

Sophie smiles for me. I know that smile, it's one of those smiles that hurt on the lips. It is no more real than the one painted on my face.

- Let's not think about that now, Arthur. Tomorrow is Christmas.

- It is?

- Yes…

The windows in this room are too high and narrow. I can't see more than a bit of grey sky.

- What does it look like outside?- I ask.

Sophie wipes at her eyes. This place makes people sad.

- Well…it looks nice.

- Did it snow?

- Yes… in fact this year it's snowing more than ever. The streets are all covered in white.

- Hmmm.

I close my eyes and imagine the scene. I've always liked the snow.

- Are there any lights?

- In every avenue and every tree.

- What about music? Is there music, too?

- Yes…can you hear it?

I think I can. Between the far away noise from the cars and the shouting people I think I can actually hear it.

- Five minutes, madam.- says the guard. He stands only a few feet away from us.

Sophie holds my hands again and her fingers brush over my skin.

- I wanted to bring you a gift, Arthur. I'm sorry, they don't let me bring anything inside.

- Don't worry. You bring me everything I need. I would like to stay with you for one more minute. But you shouldn't be here today. Go home, Sophie. Your daughter is waiting.

- Your hands are always cold.

Sophie takes her scarf off and puts it around my neck. It has her smell and her softness.

- Arthur…

- Mhm?

- It's time!- the guard interrupts, walking over to Sophie.

- You must take that with you.- he says, pointing to the scarf around my neck. - The rules are clear.-

- But he's cold.

- Please understand, Miss Dumond.- says the man in a low voice. - The inmate has tried to take his own life before. That object is just as dangerous as a rope.-

- I'm sorry…- she says, looking at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and she takes the scarf off my neck.

- It's alright, Sophie. Don't worry. I'm not cold.

- It's time.- says the man again.

- Just a minute, please, sir.- Sophie begs on the verge of crying.

- Arthur, tell me what I can do for you.

The shadow on my shoulders grows heavier. It's like a black cloud appearing over the horizon. I'm afraid and I don't even know of what.

- I just… I'd like to know the truth about my past. I want to know who I am…so I can understand how I got here.

- Time's up. You must leave madam, please.

The guard takes Sophie's arm but she doesn't move.

- Please, madam. Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Sophie sees a second guard walking over. Our time's up.

- Tell me how, Arthur.

- The files.- I whisper to her ear - Case 4478.-

The guards escort her to the exit and Sophie turns around to look at me once more. The last thing I see are her lips repeating the number in silence before she vanishes behind the white door and I regret that I didn't get to kiss her goodbye.