Everyone needed to have a cry every now and then. Doctor's included. You couldn't do the job without feeling emotion. You tried not to let the constant losses get to you. But it was simply part of the job. Young men and women came into the room, sometimes horribly injured, and usually covered in blood. You did your best to prevent them dying. Once you had achieved that aim, then it was to prevent them being horribly maimed and disfigured. If they were lucky, it was a simple case of removing bullets or shrapnel before sending them on their way.
But you still needed to cry. She sat in her chair in the med-bay by herself, head in her hands. She wasn't making any noise, or at least didn't think she was. She did watch the occasional tear drop to her desk and start to pool with the rest. She sniffed every so often but there was no real sobbing. But it was still good to let the tears flow for once.
It was difficult to believe that he was gone. It had been the first assignment she had served alongside him. He had been a nice young man. Quiet and softly spoken, but also incredibly self-controlled. He had been a natural soldier, and a talented biotic. She had helped him whenever he had suffered from the side-effects of his implant, though he never complained. He simply got on with it. She knew the Commander had often approached him, sometimes as a subordinate, looking for his input on a current mission or his general feelings about their chase the rogue Spectre, but he also knew the two had grown close over time and were quite good friends. She had no idea how he would be dealing with it. She hadn't seen him since he returned to the ship.
Liara had walked past a while ago, clearly upset by what had happened. She had wanted to ask for details, but didn't want to pry. Instead, she simply gave the asari a hug as she cried before saying that she just wanted time to herself. Chakwas figured she just wanted to get back to work, focus her mind on something else for the time being. It was apparently what everyone was doing, as the mess had remained empty ever since the Normandy had collected the Commander and his team. No-one else had been in to see her.
He came in a couple of hours later. She wasn't feeling any better, but at least the tears had stopped for the time being, though when she saw his face, the haunted look in his eyes, despite his best efforts to keep a straight face and his usual calm and composed demeanour, she almost started again. He just walked towards her desk and quietly informed her that they would have a little remembrance service later that evening. It was something informal. He would say a few words and would open the floor to anyone else who wanted to share their feelings. He wasn't sure if anything official would ever be done. It seemed that was the one thing that hurt the most, that his death may never be reported, that it would also always be classified due to the sensitive nature of the events surrounding his death.
She gathered with the rest of the crew in the mess later that evening. Everyone was dressed in their best Alliance blue. The Commander was resplendent in his officer's uniform, bars sat on one side of his chest, Star of Terra around his neck. His uniform was pristine, head topped by his cap. Like usual, just the faintest of stubble on his face. She couldn't help but notice the longing stares he received from some of the females, and even one or two males, of the crew as he stood in front of them. She couldn't help but stare at him herself. He was a natural leader. She knew they would all follow him to the end.
He spoke of Kaidan's past, his childhood and life back on Earth. Of his time at BAaT, obviously skimming over why he had left. Then of his service record, his commendations and achievements. And then of his sacrifice. His voice was soft and he spoke movingly about him, about the fact he had seen him as a confidant. And as a friend. There were not many dry eyes in the mess once he had finished. No-one followed him to share words of their own. No-one could probably match his words. Instead there was a moment of silence. Of remembrance. To ensure that he would never be forgotten.
Once the service had finished, the crew split up. Some headed off to be by themselves. Perhaps to reflect on what had occurred. Others gathered at the tables in the mess and spoke in hushed voices. Others chose to celebrate his life, sharing stories of missions and assignments undertaken, and of the times they had shared together. There was laughter and there were tears. Through it all, she watched the Commander converse with his crew. A pat on the shoulder here, a whispered word in the ear there. He worked the entire room and spoke to nearly every single member of crew. The hardest was Ashley, who she knew still blamed herself. He simply hugged her as she cried on his shoulder. She knew Ashley was tough and that she would recover, but the wound was still too raw to be ignored.
He approached her last of all. She was sat by herself at one of the tables, alone with her thoughts. She grinned slightly as he took a seat next to her. He didn't say anything for a long time. She looked at his face and could see he was starting to struggle. She knew he would keep it together in front of the crew. He would likely wait until he was alone before he would also shed a tear.
"I'm going to miss him," he said softly as he leaned forward, elbows on the table, simply looking down as he let out a deep breath.
"We all will, Commander," she replied quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder and giving him a gentle squeeze.
He just nodded before he leaned back in his chair, looking over his crew. "I've lost people under my command before, never as a CO though. You never get used to it. Losing anyone is difficult. But you adapt and survive. You learn to live with it and put it behind you. If you don't, you'll never survive in this business. But this… It's a kick in the guts. He was a good man. And he didn't deserve how it all ended."
"Are you okay, Commander? Just remember, you can come and talk to me at any time if you would like."
He turned and gave a slight smile. "Thanks, Doc. But I should be okay. I'll shed a few tears by myself later tonight. I always do. Anyone who says they don't cry is a liar. You need to let it out. But I do it when I'm alone. I'll feel better for it. Then it's simply on to the next mission. It's what I've always done."
"My door is always open if you change your mind, Commander."
He simply grinned slightly again as he stood up. "I may take you up on your offer. I'll let you know."
She just nodded as he moved off to converse with another crew member. She continued to watch him until the mess started to empty, and realising how late it was getting, she simply wandered off alone and went to bed.
The next couple of days passed quietly for the crew of the Normandy. The Commander spoke of eventually returning to the Citadel to discuss with the Council their next move. Ashley eventually came in and spoke with her, to get the events of the day off her chest. She had little doubt of the guilt that Ashley now carried. There was little that she could actually say to make Ashley feel any better. She simply said that, like the offer to the Commander, her door was always open if she wanted to talk further. He came in the same day, coming to a stop not much past the door, looking slightly lost. He held a datapad in one hand while scratched his chin with the other.
"Everything okay, Commander?" she asked, standing from her chair, slightly concerned.
He seemed almost surprised by the question. "Oh… Sure, sure. It's just…," he trailed off before he gestured for her to take a seat. He took a seat opposite her and slid over the data-pad. "I've never actually had to write one of these before. Usually someone higher up the chain than I would end up composing one of these. I'm not exactly sure what I should say." She grabbed the data-pad to read what it was the Commander had been writing. She wasn't surprised he was having difficulty once she had read what he had written so far. "How do you tell a parent that you had to sacrifice their child in a nuclear explosion?"
"Did you write down what you said the other day in the mess?"
He shook his head. "No, I just shared my thoughts. What was on my mind. What I think we were all feeling."
"Can you remember what you said?" He nodded. "Then share that with them. They don't need to know all the ins and outs of the mission we're undertaking. They don't need to know of how he died. But letting them know he died courageously may make the pain at least slightly more bearable. Knowing how much he was loved by the crew would also mean a lot to them."
He was silent for a moment as he appeared to think. Then he nodded, slightly smiled. "As usual, Doc, you're full of good advice. Maybe I just needed to come in here, clear my head for a moment, gather my thoughts."
"As I said before, Commander, I'm here for anyone and everyone to talk to."
"Has Ashley been in to see you?"
She nodded. "Yes, she's been in a couple of times to see me."
"How's she doing? I've been down to talk to her but haven't really wanted to broach the subject. I've tried to steer our conversations towards anything other than speaking about him."
"It will take time for her to deal with. It is a healing process, more for her conscience than anything else. She feels guilty that you had to make a choice, and that you chose to save her."
"Not just her. She was part of the team with the salarian STG that we ran into on Virmire. It was a case of sacrificing the few to save the many." He sighed. "If I could have saved them both, I would have," he said quietly.
"Commander…," she started to say, though he held up a hand to gesture he was okay. He simply gave a slight grin.
"I'm fine, Doc. Well, that's a bit of a white lie. I'm okay, but I'm dealing with it, as I said I would. And I know I'm not the only one struggling. Ash isn't doing well. I know Tali is terribly upset about it all. How's Liara?" he asked, gesturing to the room behind her.
"She's okay. I think everything to do with her mother has made her mentally stronger. I'm not sure how friendly they were but I know the two had developed a rapport on the battlefield due to their biotic natures."
He nodded in agreement. "And yourself, Doc? I mean, everyone comes in here wanting your help, even me. How are you coping?"
The question took her slightly by surprise, though she knew this was how the Commander operated. She gave a brief nod. "Just like you, Commander. I'm coping. It's just another reminder about how military life isn't the romantic adventure I once hoped it was." She finished with a sigh.
"How about this, Doc. Any time you need to get things off your chest about events, my door is always open as well. Can be on or off the record."
She couldn't help but give a slight smile at the offer. She thought about saying no, but figured he would just argue until she eventually agreed. "Thank you, Commander. I'll think about it," she said instead.
He nodded and stood up. She stood up as well and handed over the datapad. "Guess I should finish this and send it to the Alliance. Think I have an idea of what I should say. Thanks, Doc."
"You're welcome, Commander."
He just gave a slight grin before he gave a brief nod and turned to walk out of the med bay. She just sat back in her chair and sagged slightly. She figured that she may eventually have to take him up on his offer.
