A/N - Sorry for lack of updates, but I've been busy writing my other story and this is generally placed on the backburner. Still know what I'm doing with this story, how it's going to develop and eventually end so never fear, it will be completed, but all in good time.
Doctor Karin Chakwas would be lying to herself if she didn't admit to feeling a slight thrill, knowing that the crew of the Normandy were now, technically at least, mutineers from the Alliance. While she had lightly chastised the Commander for making the decision, in her heart she supported him one hundred percent, and she would continue to support him whatever the outcome, though she was confident that Saren would be apprehended and the mission completed successfully. The entire crew had shown unwavering commitment and their undoubted loyalty to the Commander. She was impressed by the dedication of all those who served aboard. Such dedication to one man, Commanding Officer or not, was unusual within the Alliance. The only man she considered as having the same level of dedication and loyalty would be Admiral Hackett, the first man to rise from enlisted man to the very top.
It was now late, and with no work to complete before the teams arrival on Ilos, she thought about heading to bed. But she remembered a tradition she had shared with Captain Anderson during all their time together. Before each mission, the two would share a drink together to toast the journey they had shared and the successful completion of the next mission. She wondered if it would be a tradition that the Commander would appreciate.
Seeing no harm in at least asking, she opened the bottom drawer of her desk, noticing two bottles of liquor. Both were very expensive, one an asari brandy that was always in high demand, the other was a bottle of fine liqueur imported into the Citadel all the way from Earth. Unsure as to what the Commander may enjoy, she grabbed the bottle of liqueur, hoping that the Commander had a slightly sweet tooth. Grabbing a couple of glasses while walking through the mess, she walked to his door and knocked lightly. She waited patiently as she heard footsteps approaching the door and almost laughed when the door opened, the Commander clearly surprised to see who was waiting on the other side of the door.
"Evening Doc. How can I help?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to keep a tradition alive, Commander. Each time Captain Anderson and I were sent on a mission, we would share a drink together to toast our eventual success. I was wondering if you would like to join me for a drink now."
He grinned. "That seems slightly pre-emptive. This is like no mission any of us have undertaken before."
"It may seem so, Commander, but it has always worked. Call it superstition."
He moved to the side, gesturing towards the table and chairs. "By all means, come in. I guess I can take my focus off work for a while. Could do with a few minutes away from my desk, if I'm honest."
She walked by and sat at the table, placing the bottle and glasses down. Shepard sat to her right. "You know, Commander, we're both no longer on duty. You may call me Karin if you wish. I certainly won't be offended as I know you only do it out of respect. And it's better than calling me 'Doc' all the time."
He chuckled lightly before nodding. "Only if you call me Shepard, at least off duty. Everyone else does. And before you ask, no-one refers to me by my first name. Even my own family call me Shepard. My first name may as well just be Commander."
"Agreed, Shepard." She couldn't help but grin. "Yes, that will take some getting used to."
He grabbed the bottle and opened the top, taking a quick sniff of the contents. He mentioned a liking for cherry flavour as he poured two fingers worth into each glass. She swirled the liquid around the glass as Shepard handed it to her. "What should we toast?" he asked.
"I always liked what the Captain side. May we all survive to see another sunrise."
"I can drink to that," agreed the Commander, the pair clinking their glasses and taking a sip. She found it very enjoyable, a sweet taste with the slight burning aftertaste, not enough to be uncomfortable, just enough to know you've tasted some strong liquor. She observed Shepard simply lean back in his chair and close his eyes, completely relaxed. It was the first time she could remember him appearing that relaxed in a long time. He was usually so busy doing something, either on mission, completing reports, communicating with the Alliance and Council or dealing with the crew. He looked as if all the stress had simply evaporated, at least for a moment, since taking that first sip.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
He opened his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. "Just contemplating the future. I mean, I'm a Spectre but have basically stolen an Alliance vessel. We may end up saving the galaxy at the end of the day but there is no doubt Udina is going to try and do something. I don't think there's anything he can do regarding my Spectre status, but he could make my role within the Alliance very uncomfortable." He just shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well, not a lot I can do about it now. What's done is done. I'll face the consequences when all this is over."
"I think we'll be just fine, Shepard. If you do what you promise, and save the day, then at the most you'll get a slap on the wrist. But I think the Captain will do his best to make sure no charges are brought forward. In fact, by the end of this, you'll be considered a saviour as well as a liberator."
He grinned. "Thanks, Karin."
"Shepard, may I ask a personal question?"
A look of surprise crossed his face again for a brief moment before he simply grinned and nodded. "Sure. What would you like to know?"
"Well, it's a question about your future, actually. What do you plan to do once this is all over? You're now a Spectre, but will you stay with the Alliance? Or will you think about only working with the Council?"
He took another sip from his glass as he appeared to contemplate his answer. She simply took a sip of her own, continuing to savour the taste. "I'm Alliance through and through, Karin. I won't turn my back on them, even if I am a Spectre. I see no reason why I can't be both a Commander in the Alliance and a Council Spectre."
"What would you do if the Council wanted you to investigate a human matter on their behalf?"
"I'm sure the Council would discuss any problems with the Alliance before they would even consider calling me in. If events did escalate, then I would have to think long and hard about what is most important to me. I'm proud of everything my race has achieved. We've made mistakes along the way. Every race has. We're not perfect but I'll never turn my back on humanity. But would I put humanity above the concerns of the entire galaxy?" He shrugged. "I honestly hope I never face that question."
He gestured towards Chakwas for her glass as he poured another two fingers for the pair of them. She clinked glasses again and the pair sat in silence for a while, simply enjoying the company of the other. She thought he was being unusually quiet as he would usually have plenty of questions to ask, but she figured he just had a lot on his mind with the mission to Ilos coming up quickly. She racked her mind for a question to ask then hit on one which intrigued her. She knew the rest of the crew were left wondering the answer to this question as well.
"Shepard, this is going to sound like another very personal question, but do you have anyone out there waiting for you to return?"
"How do you mean?"
"You know, someone out there that you hold affection for? I know you're unmarried, that is held on the database. I need to know that in the unfortunate event of your… death."
"Ah, then no. I am currently single."
"I find that hard to believe. I'll admit I'm aware that Liara and Ashley were both interested in you. They probably still are."
"I know they are. Tali is interested in me as well," Shepard added.
"She is?" He nodded. "Well, I'm not surprised. You did rescue her on the Citadel and it's clear she does have a bit of a crush on you. So, if I may be so bold, why are you not interested in any of them in return?"
"Honestly, my heart is set on someone else," he replied simply.
"Oh. And who would that be? Anyone I'd know?"
"Yes," he replied, taking a sip from his glass, "But she'd have no idea that I have any genuine feelings for her. I respect her far too much to ever say anything. So I keep my relationship with her professional and at arm's length to avoid making her or myself uncomfortable. It also doesn't help that she's part of the Alliance, and while I respect the rules about fraternisation, for her… I'd consider breaking them. But… she'd be absolutely clueless that I have any… thoughts or feelings about her."
"Now I am intrigued, Shepard. Is she a fellow soldier? Someone you may have served with before you time on the Normandy?"
She watched him roll the glass between his hands, his eyes focused only on the table in front of him, taking another sip before he replied. "No, she's a doctor."
"Oh, did you develop a crush on someone who perhaps nursed you back to health?"
He took another sip from his glass. "Something along those lines. But that's not the reason. It's more than that. Far more than that. It's… difficult to explain." He shrugged his shoulders before he sighed, sagging slightly into his chair, still looking at the table. "Simply put, the heart wants what it wants. Sometimes you develop feelings for someone that you simply can't explain, even to yourself. All you know is that when you think about them, you find yourself with a big, dumb grin on your face just at the thought. All I know is that I greatly care for this woman. But, as I said, from a distance."
"Okay, Shepard, you're going to have to give me a hint here about who this woman is. She sounds like a diamond."
She watched as he grabbed the bottle and poured himself another dash, offering the bottle to herself, but she declined another drink. He then knocked back his glass before he placed it down on the table. He was silent for a few seconds as he tapped his hands on the table. He then took a deep breath and looked directly at her. "Well, I can say that she has the most dazzling pair of green eyes I've ever seen. I try to prevent myself getting lost in them every time I talk to her."
She gasped. And found herself speechless. He has feelings for… me? But… why? How… "Shepard… I…," she trailed off. What do I say? I won't lie and say I haven't thought about it? What warm red-blooded woman wouldn't think about or wouldn't be attracted to the Commander? And she knew she cared for him in return. But in the same way that he cared for her?
He immediately made to stand. "I'm sorry…," he said quickly, noticeably uncomfortable at her own reaction, "I shouldn't have said anything. I've made you uncomfortable… I should go…"
She reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him gently back down into his chair, his eyes once again only on the table. She kept hold of his hand, caressing it lightly with her thumb. "Shepard, you haven't made me uncomfortable. Not at all. I'm surprised. Stunned, if I'm honest. But never be sorry for whatever feelings you may have. Even for me. I mean… I don't really understand how or why, but never be sorry for how you feel." He just nodded silently though still obviously embarrassed. "What did you expect me to say?"
"I didn't think that far ahead. I wasn't planning on saying anything. I guess the alcohol loosened my tongue," he stated before he sighed. She guessed he was also incredibly embarrassed. She almost felt guilty for pushing to know who he was talking about.
"Shepard, look at me." She waited until he slowly lifted his eyes from the table before he finally met her own. "Consider me incredibly flattered you would find me so… desirable. A fit young man such as yourself, twenty years ago I'd have seriously considered it. In fact, I…" She sighed. "Never mind. But you must know how old I am now. Not quite double your age but… still old enough."
"Age is just a number, Karin. It means nothing in the long run. And means nothing to me." He then grinned. "Some women are just like a fine wine. They get even better with age." She felt her cheeks blush at the insinuation was clear in his tone. She felt her mouth go slightly dry for a moment before clearing her throat. "I shouldn't have said anything. But… I guess with what may happen tomorrow, I just wanted to get it off my chest."
"No matter what happens, you will always be my Commander. And my friend." He raised his eyebrows at that. "But as for more? I… just don't know, Shepard. This is a lot to take in. I genuinely had no idea you would ever feel this way about me, of all people."
"As I said, the heart just wants what it wants," he said quietly, before he looked directly into her eyes, "And it wants you."
She honestly didn't know else to say without this descending into a very long, all night conversation, which she knew neither of them needed with what was on the horizon. As she said, she was incredibly flattered to believe that, of all the people in the galaxy, Commander Shepard would be interested in her, it boggled the mind. And it was such a surprise, that she could only think of why it just couldn't happen. Why it wouldn't work. There was no point doubting an attraction to the man. But it would break too many rules and, while she wasn't uncomfortable with the idea of his affection for her, she wasn't comfortable with the idea of being involved in a relationship. Though the old adage of never say never rang in the back of her mind. Maybe one day… but it can't be today. She made up her mind. She had to go and think.
She stood up. "Shepard, thank you for joining me for a drink. But I have to go think about things."
He nodded as he stood up. "I understand," he stated. Her heart broke slightly as she heard the tone of his voice. She'd never heard him so downcast. She hoped he wouldn't regret this. That was the last thing she wanted. The door into his quarters opened as she approached, turning round in the doorway as he approached. She beckoned him forward and wrapped him in an embrace. He appeared hesitant for a second before he completed it, though he kept his touch light. He's uncomfortable. She let go of the embrace and looked up at his eyes. She wanted to kiss his cheek, but knew that would send a mixed signal. Instead she caressed his cheek with her right hand.
"Never be sorry for how you feel, Shepard. But… I need time. Can you give me time?" He nodded. "Thank you. Goodnight, Shepard."
"Goodnight, Karin," he said quietly.
She turned around and walked back towards her quarters. She didn't look back. She didn't think she could bear to see him looking so downcast again. Her heart beat furiously as she started to contemplate the revelation he had just made. Already thoughts were flying through her mind of the possibilities of what she had just heard. But, most importantly, she knew she was grinning as she walked back into the med bay.
