The moment Marilyn woke up she remembered that she didn't belong there. As she lay among the warm blankets on the upper floor of the refurbished home, she was hit with that familiar two-by-four of reality that she knew so well. That reality struck her in her stomach and told her that this wasn't hers. The dark room with the cheerful photographs nailed carefully on the walls wasn't hers, the lovingly stitched quilt beneath her wasn't hers, the doting parents asleep in the other room weren't hers, even the bright sweater she wore in lieu of her own old shirt that she had arrived in was not hers.
None of this had ever or would ever belong to her. Without even being told or warned she knew automatically that it was time for her to go, like there was a clock installed inside her. Marilyn rolled on her side and studied her friend who was asleep on her bed a few feet away.
Her friends name was Nina, and she had her back to Marilyn as she slept. Even through the dark Marilyn could see her shiny black hair as it fell like water over her pillows. She remembered watching awkwardly at the door as her mother combed it earlier that night.
"I don't mean to be a bother." Marilyn had said as she waited for her friend to grace her with attention again.
Nina's mother had given her a gentle smile. "You're not a bother sweetie, you're practically family."
Even as she was told otherwise Marilyn knew she was a bother. No matter how much extended love Nina's family gave her, she never shed that feeling in her chest that the time would always come for her to leave the inviting atmosphere and return to where she belonged.
Marilyn watched Nina's ribcage expand and deflate with each calm breath that she took. For a moment she considered waking her up to say goodbye, but then thought against it.
She knew her friend would let her leave without much argument, but she also knew that she shouldn't disturb someone's sleep.
Marilyn shifted out of the makeshift bed of blankets on the floor and folded each one as carefully and as quietly as she possibly could. She stacked each blanket lovingly in the corner and touched them longingly one last time. Her fingers traced over the beige stitches and the pink patterns and she wished that she could take one home. It was so bleak at home.
She crept out of the room and into the hallway, where lovely white plates with pale green trim sat proudly on shelves and more framed photographs dotted the walls. Marilyn wondered where they had even found a camera, they were so rare in the wasteland and her father always said they couldn't be found. A small stab of jealousy dug its way into her side.
Loud snoring came from the closed door at the end of the hall, and Marilyn knew it was Nina's father. He was always friendly to her, and he gave her a pat on the back each time he saw her that was a little painful. He didn't seem to be aware of his own strength, and each time they saw each other they'd carry out the same mantra.
"Hey sport!" He'd always belt when he saw her slip through the front door from behind Nina. "Long time no see!" He would bellow even if she had seen him yesterday.
"Your dad still wearing that ugly suit?" He'd ask with a boyish grin.
"Yes." She would answer politely as she always did each time he asked. She'd shift uncomfortably and glance at Nina, who would roll her eyes.
He would lean back and laugh a roaring laugh that hurt her ears and then he'd pat Nina's head with a grin. "That crazy Benny." He'd conclude.
Marilyn didn't know what that meant but she didn't particularly want to know.
She traced her hand over the wooden railing as she navigated her way down the stairs in the dark. It was the middle of the night, but still it was time to go and there was no changing that.
She passed the old comfy chairs and the long sofa on her way out. Marilyn glanced to the kitchen, where Nina's mother kept a couple pretty yellow glasses and made Marilyn food when she was hungry.
Marilyn grasped the handle to the front door and took in a breath. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, letting the calmness and quiet and love that was in the very air of the house flood her lungs. She held her breath and begged the feelings to stay there, to carry on within her and comfort her for when she returned home. She pleaded the happiness that lived here to stay with her, and not to leave her when she had to go and the world became lonely again.
She stepped out of the house, closed the door behind her silently, and began to walk down the road to the Strip. She stopped for a moment and looked back at the house where she knew a family slept happily, and she wished with all her heart she could stay forever. She gave the house one last glance and began walking again. Marilyn couldn't hold her breath any longer, and released the air she had been holding. With a rush of defeat she felt the sense of calm and happiness leave her as she began to breathe again.
Marilyn reached a hand up in the air to see if she could catch it, maybe just feel it against her palm, but it was gone.
She shivered and walked down the road leading to the Strip where a few houses now resided. Marilyn had heard it used to be rows of farms, but her father said different. He had told her that it used to be an awful and dangerous place before her mother changed it.
They used to take walks together past the new houses before her father had gotten worse. He would glare around the thriving town and shake his head disdainfully.
"Used to be nothin' but rats and bad news." Her father had muttered as he smoked a cigarette.
"I think it's nice." She had told him as she hurried to match his pace.
"Remind me to have your mother tell you what it used to be." He scoffed and blew out a stream of smoke that caught in the wind and blew in her face.
At the though of the memory Marilyn was reminded that she was glad her father didn't go on walks with her anymore.
Large robots with guns attached to their arms were stationed every few yards, and Marilyn tried not to look at their strange bright faces. She hurried her pace as she passed them, and soon she was standing before the big gate that would let her into the Vegas Strip.
The robot recognized her and allowed her to pass. As soon as it turned away she ran past it, her heart pumping in her ears. She had seen that robot turn people into ash for trying to get in before. Marilyn was always terrified she'd be next, even when her dad told her she wouldn't be.
As soon as she passed through the gate music blared from speakers and the bright lights of the casinos flooded her vision. Marilyn squinted into the loudness of it all and rubbed her sleep-blurred eyes. Drunken men in suits and women in pink dresses all stumbled about, and one knocked into Marilyn as she passed.
"Geez… they let kids in here now?" She asked with furrowed brows. She leaned down to Marilyn's height and squinted at her.
Marilyn could smell the alcohol on the woman's breath and she winced involuntarily at the closeness.
"Excuse me…" She murmured meekly and the woman turned to the man waiting behind her.
"Who lets kids in here? I don't want to see kids running around here." She slurred her words and Marilyn tried to slip past her but she was standing so close to her that she couldn't.
Marilyn held back a huff of frustration.
The woman strained to focus her eyes on Marilyn's face, staring at her like she was some kind of strange experiment.
The man behind her stepped forward and tried to grab the woman's arm. "Barb wait, leave her be."
She shrugged him off and he grasped for her again desperately.
"That's his kid, Barb." He warned in a hushed tone.
The woman's eyes widened and she laughed a little. "What? No! You're that kid?" She grinned a crooked grin and stepped closer, invading Marilyn's space even more. "You ever hear that story about what happened to your mom?"
"Back off, pal."
As if on cue Marilyn saw her father standing a few yards away. He was smoking a cigarette on the stairs of the Lucky 38 tower where they lived. The lights undulated under his black polished shoes and his eyes were narrowed dangerously.
The pair straightened up and the man finally succeeded in pulling her back.
"She didn't mean anything by it." He began cautiously. Marilyn could still feel the woman's eyes on her and she didn't like it at all.
"You're bugging her, so you're bugging me. You don't wanna do that." Benny said evenly. "Now walk away before this gets ugly for you."
They rushed away and her father watched as she scurried toward him.
He regarded her silently for a moment before tossing his cigarette to the ground and stubbing it with his shoe.
Marilyn stared at the ground and watched the end of the cigarette flatten beneath him.
"I told you to not to be out at night." He said. A few casino-goers hooted from across the road and he glanced at them critically.
"I'm sorry." She mumbled, still not looking up at him.
"If you're sleeping over at Nina's then you gotta stay there all night. No more running wild like this." He voice remained even, possibly even a little disinterested as he lit another cigarette.
"I couldn't sleep." Marilyn offered. There was no way for her to explain it to him, to make him understand that she couldn't mooch off another persons happiness for too long without feeling guilty.
"Doesn't matter. No being out at night." He demanded. She could feel his eyes on her, those dark steadfast eyes that always seemed so sure.
"I'm sorry." Marilyn repeated and he was silent for a moment.
"What did they say to you?" He asked.
"Nothing." She answered a little too quickly and he narrowed his eyes again.
"Marilyn." He warned and she glanced at him.
His slicked back hair was illuminated in the bright lights, making it look even darker then usual. He had a few light wrinkles at the sides of his eyes, and she could vaguely remember her mother running her finger across them with a grin.
She was quiet for a moment as she studied his eyes, and then she felt a burst of anger rise in her chest and she met his gaze for as long as she could stand.
"They asked me where my mom is." She answered defiantly.
At the mention of her mother his eyes went cold and she quickly regretted her words. Marilyn tore herself away from his eyes like they had burned her. She stared back down at her worn saddle shoes that her mother used to make her wear.
"It's just… they were just wondering…" She tried to backpedal but the words were already said.
Benny turned away from her, closing himself off as he always did when she was brought up. He raised his shoulders protectively and stared out at the lights. They flashed across his face in colors of blue and red.
"It's late, head on to your room." He said and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Worked me up in a frenzy when I saw you walking around out here alone."
Marilyn stood there for a moment sadly. "I'm sorry, dad." She mumbled and then made her ways up the steps and into the elevator that would take her high up to her room.
Once inside the elevator she leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around herself tight. Marilyn closed her eyes as the elevator dinged its way up to the suites. It chimed once, twice, and then a third time and she opened her eyes. She stepped out of the elevator and into the silence.
The lights were dimmed as they always were, and the whole floor had a dead and stagnant feeling in the air that made Marilyn feel a bit like she was being suffocated.
Everything was different now from when her mother had lived with them. Everything was emptier, there were less songs being played, less joy and laughter, less food in the refrigerator.
She slipped past the room her parents had once shared and into her own room. It was different in her room than Nina's. It wasn't just the lack of soft blankets. The feeling stemmed from something that she didn't know how to articulate but she felt it all the way down to her core.
Yet, it was where she belonged, and Marilyn climbed into her bed and pulled the sheet up to her ears.
As she was beginning to doze off she heard the familiar ding of the elevator. She recognized the heavy footsteps, and didn't even have to peek out of the sheets to know it was her father.
She heard him sigh and slip off his shoes and as he began to walk to his room she stuck one eye out.
"I love you, dad." She said quietly out into the stagnant air.
She saw him stop and tense at her words. He stood there for a moment and just when she thought he wouldn't answer he rubbed the back of his neck and spoke.
"Yeah… you too, kid."
