When Val said they were leaving, she meant that they were leaving right now. Arya followed Gendry up to their room to pack, and when they were done fast enough, Val stood in their doorway and glared at them until they were done. No one else in the family said anything about it, and little Elemy watched this entire thing like she didn't quite understand what was going on. Her brown hair was up in familiar Northern braids, and one of the dresses she was wearing looked like one of the dresses Arya would have worn at her age. It made her think of her mother and her father and everyone that they had lost. It made her think about how her family was so much smaller than it was.
Then she remembered that her family wasn't smaller. Theon had always lingered on the edge of their family, never quite belonging and always looking like he was afraid that her father would kill him if he looked the wrong way. Arya couldn't imagine growing up and knowing that the people who were raising you could have you killed at a moment's notice. Meera was there now, and Jojana was continuing to grow. She looked so much like Rickon at times that it made Arya's heart hurt. Brienne was a quiet and strong presence at Winterfell, and one that Arya knew would keep everyone safe. Brienne was teaching her how to fight now that her fingers were missing, and those training sessions brought Arya a sense of normalcy that made it easier to get up in the morning. Val was there now, and while her and Jon might not love each other just yet, Arya could tell that Val thought of them as family. That was why she was dragging Arya and Gendry out to beyond the Wall.
Arya glanced at Gendry as he put all of his belongings and his hammer on the horse. He was her family; she knew that even if she couldn't find the right words to talk to him right now. And that was just her family in the North. Edmure, Roslin, and Medgar were at Riverrun. Mya, Bella, and Edric were at Storm's End, Yara and Asha were at the Iron Isles, and Daenerys was at King's Landing. Her family was smaller and bigger, and while some of them were far away but they were there. She just needed to figure out how to talk to Gendry, and maybe they could sort all of this out. Everyone came out to tell them goodbye, but Jon was fretting.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Jon asked. He was being a little overprotective now that Val was pregnant, but she wasn't having any of it, and Arya didn't blame her.
"Free Women ride until we're ready to give birth, Jon," Val replied. "But since I know you'll spend the entire time worrying, I asked a few of the Free Folk visiting Winterfell to come with me." Jon did look relieved, and they leaned down to kiss each other softly. When Val turned to them, she looked like a warrior again, even with her small rounded belly. "Follow me." Gendry glanced at the forge, and Arya thought he was going to insist on staying behind, but he eventually followed Val out of Winterfell. A few members of the Free Folk, including Corwin, were coming too. Gendry looked surprised to see him, and the two of them spent most of the day talking about getting Rhaegal flying again. Arya tried not to be resentful of the fact that talking about the dragon with someone he didn't know that well was the most engaged Gendry had sounded in weeks.
She tried not to be resentful about it and very much failed.
Val might have been pregnant, but she set a brutal pace toward the Wall, and Arya couldn't deny that she was impressed. Aside from the belly, Val wasn't acting any different, and she pushed for them to get to Wall and beyond as quickly as possible. The gate at Eastwatch was monitored by the few remaining people who decided to make sure everyone who wanted to pass through could. Val stopped and spoke to a few Free Folk who were migrating south and told them where to go to meet up with the rest of the Free Folk. They didn't call her Queen, but they listened and looked at her like they respected her as a leader which was about the best any of them could hope for when it came to the Free Folk just joining the other beyond the Wall. Val leaned down and whispered something to the men minding the gate. They nodded, and just like that, they were beyond the Wall.
Arya wasn't sure what she was expecting going beyond the Wall. For so many years, it was this thing that she never thought she would get the chance to do, and here she was just walking through like there wasn't going to be any problems. There were still more Free Folk that decided not to come south, but Val wouldn't take them here if it wasn't safe. She was fairly sure that Val wouldn't take them here if it wasn't safe anyway. They rode for another full day until they stopped to make camp for the night.
"We'll be leaving in the morning," Val said after they ate dinner and camp was set up for the night. "I've left you some supplies, including a way to fish from the river nearby. Don't go out onto the ice, or you might fall through. It's warmer right now, and the ice might be thin."
"How long exactly are you planning on leaving us here?" Gendry asked.
"A month," Val replied. Arya stared at her because she couldn't have heard that right. There was no way they were just going to leave them beyond the Wall for a month. "And that includes travel time, so don't think that means you can come back to Winterfell once the month is over. That means you are not permitted south of the Wall for a month. I have informed the men at the gates that they aren't to let you two through." Arya didn't play this card at all, but right now, it seemed like a perfect time.
"I'm a princess-"
"And I'm a Queen," Val snapped. "I will not have you two moping around Winterfell while Sansa and Theon try to adjust to being parents, while Meera and Bran continue to try and raise Jojana, and while I'm fucking pregnant. I will not stand for it, so you're going to stay here for a month until you've figured out how to talk to each other again. You both met living off of the land; now you get to meet each other again while living off of the land." Val stood up and walked into her tent without a word. Corbin shrugged and climbed into the tent that he was sharing with the other Free Folk. That was apparently the end of the conversation. Arya glanced at Gendry, and he looked right back at her. She didn't know what to say, so she said nothing as they both climbed into their shared tent and went to sleep.
The camp was empty by the time they woke up, and the wind had already blown most of Val's trail away. Arya sighed as she looked around; they were in the middle of the woods, and she knew there was a frozen river to the west of them, according to Val. It was silent as the wind blew, and there were very few animals roaming around. The dead had killed most of the wildlife beyond the Wall, but the reports from the remaining Black Brothers said that some must have survived, and it seemed like they were coming back. She looked at Gendry and began to look through the supplies that Val left them in total silence.
They managed not to talk to each other until it was high noon, and Arya couldn't stand the silence anymore.
"Do you want to leave me?" she asked because that was the thing that they really needed to talk about. Gendry frowned like he was confused by the question.
"Of course I don't," he replied. "I never want you to leave in any capacity, but I feel like I'm going to lose you regardless of what I do."
"You feel like you're going to lose me," Arya repeated as they both sat down in front of the fire. "Well, Gendry, I already lost you once, and you can't seem to realize what that was like for me." Gendry didn't say anything as he warmed his head by the fire. "I thought you were dead for months. I was never sure you were really alive until we saw each other on that beach. I hoped, I prayed to every single God, Old, and New, that you were alive, but I didn't know for sure until I saw you. Do you know what it was like thinking you were dead? How would you react if you thought I was dead?"
"It would destroy me," Gendry replied without hesitating. "I don't know how I'd keep going if I thought you were dead."
"Which is why I didn't care about the risks when it came to going west," Arya replied, and it was the first time she had really said those words out loud. "Either you were alive, and I was going to bring you home, or you were dead, and it didn't matter if a Kraken sank the ship, and I died because you were gone, and I didn't want to keep going." Arya didn't even realize she was crying until Gendry reached forward and brushed some of her tears away. "I know you're still hurting; I can't imagine what you went through, but I lost you once, and it nearly killed me, and right now, I feel like I'm going to lose you again."
"And you can't go through that again because you already had to go through it once," Gendry replied softly, and Arya nodded. They looked at each other for half a breath, and then Arya let Gendry hold her. They stayed like that in front of the fire, just holding each other for the rest of the day. They hardly said anything else to each other and went to sleep that night with a little less distance between them.
It took a week before Gendry finally sat down to talk to her. Arya was a little surprised because she thought she would have to drag it out of him. She said her piece or at least part of it, and that was the best she could hope for right now. He needed to bring some things up if this was going to work. They had just finished fishing for the day when Gendry frowned as he looked at the fire.
"It hurt you when I told you that I tried not to think about you when I was in Essos," Gendry said, and he didn't make it a question.
"It did," Arya replied, "because you were all I could think about."
"I'd like to explain why," Gendry said carefully. Arya sat down next to him, close enough to touch but not quite touching him. She didn't know if that was what he wanted right now, and she didn't want to accidentally end this conversation before it even started. "I didn't want to think about you because it hurt too much. As far as everyone in Westeros was concerned, I was dead, and you were officially a widow. There was no indication to anyone that I was alive, and Daario made sure of that. He didn't want anyone to know we were alive because then someone might come looking for us. He wanted us as nameless slaves because he thought there wouldn't be a more fitting punishment for Daenerys, the Breaker of Chains, to see the children of her enemy in chains. And we were going through hell, and all I could think about was getting back to you. Then we had to run, and I realized I wasn't going to make it back to Westeros. I was going to get to go home.
"And when I thought about you, I thought about you moving on," Gendry continued. "I knew you and Davos, and everyone wouldn't rest until you realized who killed me, but that didn't mean anyone was going to figure out that the bodies in the crypts weren't us. I thought about how I wanted you to be happy and maybe find someone else. It was like losing a limb, but I was so grateful to know that you were safe in the North, and none of the bullshit that happened to me was going to touch you. All I could think about was you moving on and me showing up years, decades, later and ruining your new life. I don't know what would have hurt more; me being the reason you were unhappy or seeing someone else make you happy."
"You have to know I would never give up on you," Arya whispered, and Gendry reached over to take her hand into his. He threaded their fingers together, and Arya could feel how much his pulse was racing.
"It wasn't giving up on me if I was dead, and as far as I knew, everyone in Westeros, including you, thought I was dead. Moving on is what happens when people we love die. You might always have a piece missing, and it'll always hurt, but you move on because you have to." Gendry looked up into her eyes. "You know that as much as I do." Arya wanted to argue that it wasn't true, but she thought about losing her father, her mother, Robb, Rickon, about all of the family that she didn't get the chance to say goodbye to and how their loss still hurts, but she is able to live. "I wasn't ready to come North yet, but I came anyway because I could tell you didn't want to be in Storm's End, and I thought if I stayed and you went, that would be it."
"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Arya asked.
"Why didn't you?" Gendry replied, and they stared at each other.
"You're healing, you're hurting, and I didn't want to burden you," Arya replied.
"And I didn't want you to have the excuse to give up on me," Gendry said as he sighed heavily. "The man who went to Storm's End after the trial isn't the one who came back and isn't the one you married. I hardly recognize myself, so I didn't know how you could recognize me. You didn't sign up for someone this difficult when Beric married us all of those years ago," Arya took her hand from his and framed Gendry's face with her hands so she could look into those blue eyes that had been captivating her since the day they met in King's Landing.
"Nothing about us has ever been easy, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This thing that happened to us, it's awful and terrible and another thing to add to the long list of awful and terrible things that have happened to us, but we prevailed when we were younger and dumber. I think we can prevail now." Gendry reached up to take her wrists into his hands, and for half a moment, she thought he was going to push her away. Instead, he leaned forward, so their foreheads were touching, and they were sharing the same breath.
"I promise to tell you the things going on in my mind, confident that I'm not going to chase you away," Gendry said, and Arya felt her heart skip a beat.
"I promise to tell you everything that I'm feeling, knowing that while it might be a burden, it's one that I know you're strong enough to carry," Arya whispered. They both huffed laughter that sounded like they were closer to sobs and finally closed the distance between them. Arya couldn't remember the last time they kissed, and she certainly couldn't remember the last time a simple kiss made her feel this breathless. Her hands moved from framing Gendry's face to threading through his hair as he moved to her waist. There wasn't any urgency behind this kiss because they both needed time to explore each other again.
The night wind blew, and they both shivered as the fire was not quite enough to keep them both warm. They wordlessly put the fire out, packed everything that needed to be packed, and then climbed into the tent. The distance didn't seem that bad anymore, and when she settled into their shared bedroll, Gendry pulled her in for a kiss that left her toes curling. They didn't go to sleep for hours as they kissed and touched each other like it was the first time all over again. Gendry sucked a bruise into her neck, muttering against her skin that it would fade by the time they were allowed south again. Arya whispered against his lips that she would proudly wear any mark that he gave her because it meant they belonged to each other.
Neither of them moved to take off their clothes, and while Arya could feel that warm feeling between her legs and Gendry was hard at her hip, they didn't go to touch each other. Not yet, it was too soon, but they held each other as they slept, and Arya smiled as she fell asleep with kiss swollen lips for the first time in ages.
It didn't get easier from there, but it did feel like they could finally have a conversation. They wanted to talk to each other, they wanted to share each other's pain, and that made it so much easier to tell all the details that would have hurt. Arya talked at length about what it was like knowing that Gendry was dead and how much she thought her world was going to end. Gendry talked about crossing Essos with his sisters and brother, having to remove Edric's foot to save his life, and sadly having to watch his sisters learn how to take a life. Arya had to admit that there really was something about being alone in the wilderness that made it easier for them to talk to each other. They even talked about things that happened before the trial.
"No one in the North thinks I'm good enough for you," Gendry said as they cuddled in their tent in the middle of their third week. They hadn't stayed in one spot, and instead, they packed up their things, saddled up their horses, and went off to explore the lands beyond the Wall. Arya opened her mouth to tell him that it didn't matter to her, but Gendry held up a hand to silence her. "I know it doesn't matter to you, I know it doesn't matter to your family, but you have to understand that that opinion probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon. So sometimes I'm going to think I'm not good enough, and just repeating that I am isn't enough. In fact, it just makes it worse."
"I hate seeing you upset, and when people say vile things about you, you get upset," Arya explained. "How can I help?"
"Just listen," Gendry replied. "I know your first instinct is to go out and punch anyone who says a bad word about me, but we can't do that. So just listen because as much as I don't want to admit it, this isn't something you can fix. It's me not believing it, and it's me that needs to learn how to move past it someday. When you try to force me to believe, I just believe it even less." Arya sighed and held onto him a little tighter. He was right, her first instinct was to go out and punch the people that spoke badly about him, and her second was to tell him that he was worthy. Yet here he was asking her not to tell him that.
"If that's what you need, then I can do that for you," Arya replied, and just like that, another thing that had tainted their marriage for so long was dealt with. She couldn't believe that they'd been living half-lives for so long, and they never really learned how to talk to each other. Arya guessed it had something to do with the many years they spent on the run, they had to bury a lot of pain, and on the way, she figured that they must have buried the way to have deep conversations.
It was three days into the last week that they would spend beyond the Wall when Gendry slipped a cold hand beneath her shirt. Arya jerked, and he immediately pulled away like he had burned her.
"No, no, come back," Arya said, reaching for him. "Your hand was cold, and it surprised me, that's all. Please, come back." Gendry watched her carefully but eventually settled into the bedroll that they shared. They hadn't done more than kiss and hold each other the entire time they were out here, and Arya was fine with that. Well, she was fine with that thirty seconds ago; right now, she wanted Gendry more than anything. He looked into her eyes, and they widened slightly, but he pressed a deep kiss to her lips. While their kisses in recent weeks were deep and passionate, this kiss was wet, full of heat, and intent. "I want you," she whispered against his lips.
"I want you too," Gendry whispered as he sucked a bruise into the tender part of her neck. Arya couldn't remember the last time he had marked her so much, but there wasn't anyone out here to judge them for the bruises. They began to fumble out of their clothing like they were teenagers, and it would have been comical if Arya wasn't about to go out of her mind with need. She wanted his mouth on her, but the tent wasn't quite warm enough for that. Later, when they got back to Winterfell, she wanted to take their time and really touch each other. Gendry slipped his hand between her legs, and while his hands were rough in a different way now, they still drove her out of her mind. Arya peaked and cried out, not worrying about anyone hearing them. They were alone out here, and nothing could get in the way.
It took some awkward moving around for them to figure where various limbs needed to go so they could stay inside the bedroll, but Arya arched her back when Gendry pushed inside of her. She kissed down the scar on his face and held onto him so tight that she was sure she was going to leave bruises. Arya looked into his eyes, and while this trip hadn't fixed them, it was like she was seeing Gendry for the first time in so long. He reached down to touch her, and Arya peaked again as Gendry followed her seconds later. They were both breathing hard, and the sweat on their skin was going to be miserable once their pulses slowed down, but they grinned at each other like idiots. Arya pulled Gendry down to kiss him, but it was hard to kiss someone when neither of you would stop smiling.
The end of the final week came, and it was the warmest night they had had the entire time they were beyond the Wall. It took some work, but they managed to set out their things so they could lie back and look at the stars. The only sounds around them were the quiet breathing of their horses, the wind, and each other. Arya felt like they were connected again, and while she knew there was still a lot of pain to heal, they were going to be okay someday. She didn't know when but someday.
"How angry do you think we would make everyone if we just didn't come home?" Gendry asked.
"Absolutely furious," Arya replied. "Though I have to admit seeing a pregnant Val dragging you back to Winterfell by your ear would be very entertaining to watch." Gendry retaliated by tickling her until Arya had to beg for mercy. Gendry was leaning over her, and she could see the halo of the moon behind him with the stars looking brighter than they even did back in Winterfell. He was beautiful, and it took her breath away. Arya reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand. "If we stayed, it would be taking the easy way out."
"I know," Gendry replied as he pressed a soft kiss to her palm and the stubs where her fingers were missing. "It's harder to be around people and having to navigate responsibilities and relationships." The unspoken thing between them now was that all of those things might be harder, it would be easier to hide beyond the Wall, but they both knew they could count on each other again. Arya pulled Gendry down for a kiss until it got too cold, and they had to escape into their tent. They had to face the world again, but she was more sure than ever that they could handle it. "I love you," Gendry whispered against her lips.
"I love you too," Arya replied. They settled down to get some sleep, and in the morning, they would begin to make their way back to Eastwatch; it was time to go home.
