"I don't see him anywhere," Buster said as he skidded down the incline for a dirt path and stopped right beside Yakko out in the back yard.
"Ah geez, he's gotta be here somewhere," Yakko said as he turned around and looked at the quickly darkening environment. "Wakko!"
"Wakko!" Buster whistled like he was calling a dog, "Here boy! Here boy!"
"This doesn't make any sense," Yakko said as the two of them circled around the house, "he's got to be around here some-"
They passed by the brightly lit window of Dot's bedroom and heard the high pitched giggles of her and Babs from inside.
"That doesn't sound good," Buster commented.
They grabbed hold of the window ledge and pulled themselves up to look inside, and both of their eyes bugged out to three times the size of their heads.
Inside the room, Babs and Dot were laughing and gabbing while Wakko lay on his stomach between them on the floor, drumming his fingers against the floor, with a hopeless look in his eyes as he lay there still wearing his red cap and blue shirt, but also wearing a purple and white dress the girls were pinning the skirt on. To make his expression all the bleaker, he wore a pronounced pout which at that time was covered with dark red lipstick.
"Help," he said dryly, as if he was drained of all energy to fight.
"What are you doing?" Buster demanded to know as he and Yakko stormed in through the window.
"We needed a model to see how it'd look," Babs answered without missing a beat.
"Isn't he the cutest thing?" Dot asked with a huge grin on her face.
"For crying out loud," Yakko said as he grabbed Wakko and pulled him to his feet, "You okay, Wakko?"
"I feel very strange, Yakko," the middle Warner answered in the same dry, drained tone, "...and not so fresh either."
That earned him an elbow pressed against his lips as Yakko put his hand by his mouth and warned under his breath, "We don't have time for another 'goodnight everyone'." In a normal tone he added, "Alright, get out of that ridiculous getup." He picked his younger brother up by the shoulders and shook him until he fell out of the dress and landed on the floor.
"What's the big idea?" Yakko demanded to know.
"Oh come on, he was grossing me out," Dot replied.
"Yeah well that's enough of that," he said firmly.
"Oh yeah?" Babs asked as she pressed herself against him and stood on her toes to tower in his face, "Says who?"
"Me, because I'm the oldest," Yakko answered.
"What do you mean oldest?" Babs asked in disbelief, "You guys spun off from us after three years."
Yakko leaned in close to her with a loud, "SHHHH!", and raised his hand to the side of his mouth again and murmured to her, "Don't tell the viewers that, they don't remember."
Oh."
Wakko wiped the lipstick off on his sleeve and asked, "Where is everybody?"
"Hmm, that's right," Buster said, "Plucky and Hamton should've been here by now. Come on, let's go check the tunnel."
"Anything?" Yakko asked as the bunnies tunneled down for a better look.
"No sign of anybody yet," Buster called as he and Babs emerged. "Knowing that duck, he probably blew off the whole idea because he didn't wanna tunnel."
"We already did all the burrowing," Babs pointed out.
"Eh," Buster shrugged, "never could figure that duck out." He sighed. "No matter, we'll have a great time without them. And since the doc could currently sleep through a tornado, we might as well make the most of it."
Buster pulled out a ghetto blaster and turned on a station with some lively music and the toons started dancing. When one song switched to another more suitable for couples' dancing, Buster danced with Dot, and Babs danced with Yakko.
"You know, we ought to do this more often," Babs commented, "It's kind of fun to get away from Acme Acres once in a while."
"Yeah, this will really make the old water tower feel homey when we get back," Yakko responded.
Yakko's eyes bugged out when he felt something tapping him on the shoulder, he turned his head and saw Wakko standing behind him, who asked, "Can I cut in?"
"Sure!" Babs answered as she traded partners and the two of them joined hands and march-walked in a sideways line several feet before she spun him around.
"Some girls got it, some don't," Dot offered as she and Buster spun around.
"You're sure light on your feet, Dot," Buster noted.
"Oh!" Babs called over, "And I'm not?"
"Eh," Buster made a wry look and said, "That's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I'm light on your feet too," she replied with a knowing giggle.
"Heh?" he looked down and saw her black and white feet standing on top of his blue and white ones.
"Well?" Dot asked, "How'd you think I was your height? Toon logic only goes so far."
Yakko waited until Babs and Wakko headed his way again and asked, "Mind if I cut in?"
"Not at all," Wakko said, and broke away from Babs to dance with his brother instead, leaving Babs in the middle of the yard with a dumbstruck look on her face towards the 4th wall.
"Brothers," Dot offered from where she was dancing with Buster, "Go fig, am I right?"
"Oh yeah," Babs nodded, "I've got 30 of them at home, and they're all the same."
"Got room for one more?" Dot asked as she pointed to Wakko.
The music suddenly stopped, breaking up everybody's fun, and an announcer's voice came on.
"We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin. Local police are advising citizens in the tri-county area to stay in their homes and lock their doors, and to report any suspicious persons, following the escape of a homicidal madman from the state prison early this morning."
"Oh goodie, it's the radio program we were listening to in the car," Wakko said.
Buster and Babs looked at each other with grim expressions on their faces as they asked in unison, "Homicidal madman?"
"Yes," the radio announcer replied, "a homicidal madman who brutally murdered a dozen victims before his imprisonment. Police believe the psychotic killer may be returning to the scene of his first crime, a 2 story clapboard house at 114 Left Side Drive."
"You don't say," Dot dryly commented.
"I do say," the announcer remarked, "Citizens are warned to be on the lookout for a tall lanky man with straggly hair and a pasty complexion. If you see him, call 555-51..."
The radio went dead.
"Well isn't that convenient?" Dot asked in a deadpan tone.
"A psychotic killer, here?" Buster asked. He looked to the Warners and said, "You heard that this morning?"
"Only part of it, then Scratchy killed the radio," Wakko answered.
"He could be here by now," Buster said, his eyes wide with fear.
Babs looked around at the vast landscape and said, "He could be anywhere out there, watching us...waiting to strike."
A sudden noise had all of them jumping and screaming before they realized it was someone coming up through the tunnel. Buster pulled out a flashlight and shone it on the tunnel so they could see what it was.
"Whew!" Plucky said as he surfaced, "That nearly killed me!"
"Plucky!?" Babs said in disbelief.
"Yeah?" he squinted one eye at them, "Who were you expecting, Mel Gibson?"
"Don't I wish?" Dot sighed.
Plucky came up out of the hole, and a few seconds Hamton surfaced as well. "Hey guys, sorry we're late, we took a wrong turn by the movie theater."
"Oh boy am I glad to see you guys," Buster said as he lowered the flashlight, starting to breathe heavily, "we gotta get out of here."
"Hold it right there, bub!" Plucky said, "I've been tunneling for over two hours, I'm not going anywhere."
"They just said on the radio that an escaped murderer's heading this way," Babs told him.
The green duck stood there almost frozen for a minute, then finally his trance-like state broke and he said only, "See you back home," and made a dive for the hole.
"Hold it," Yakko grabbed him before he could plunge in. "Nobody's going anywhere."
"That's what you think," Plucky told him, "Watch me."
Yakko put the brakes on that, and told the others, "Alright, so there's a guy out there who's probably chopped a dozen bodies up into tiny little pieces, is that any reason to panic?"
"Yes!" the other six toons answered.
"Just checking," Yakko replied. As the others moved to bolt, he hollered at them, "WAIT!" Everybody froze in mid-move and mid-air, and he looked at them all sternly and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?"
"Yeah, I left my flame thrower at home," Plucky said cynically.
"No!" Yakko told them, "We're toons, furthermore we're the good guys, nothing bad ever happens to us!"
"Speak for yourself, bub," Plucky replied, "I'm checking out."
"Hold it, Plucky," Buster grabbed him by the back of his shirt, "Yakko might be onto something."
"Why of course I am, even if I'm not I am!" Yakko insisted. "We're toons! We have every weapon conceivable at our immediate disposal, so all we gotta do is use them. What homicidal lunatic could stand up against anvils and mallets?"
"He does make a good point," Hamton mentioned to Plucky.
"Oh yeah!" Babs added, "Gee, it's been so long since we've actually done that routine..." she looked at Buster uncertainly, "I guess we got a little rusty on it."
Buster's eyebrows knotted together as this started to dawn on him too, "Hey yeah, anymore it just seems like we just spend a whole episode running from whoever's chasing us...I wonder why that is?"
"Probably those cranky parent groups complaining about violence on cartoons," Dot offered, "that's why we're limited to only malleting people in self defense."
"Gee, I hope our arsenal abilities still work," Buster said.
"Just stick with us," Dot said, "we're experts in this field."
"Yeah," Wakko said as he took out his gag bag and started sorting through it. He took out a piano, a rhinoceros, a potted palm tree, a jackhammer, an ice cream machine, and finally produced half a dozen mallets.
"Plenty for everyone!" he exclaimed joyously.
"Well, this makes me feel a little better," Buster said as they each took one, "but I still wouldn't want to run into that guy in the dark."
"Then what're we doing out here in the dark?" Babs asked. "Let's go inside."
"Good idea, we can barricade the doors," Plucky said as he started pushing on the rhino's hind end trying to get it to move, "How do you work this thing?"
"I'm telling you guys," Yakko said as he tested his mallet by hitting it against the open palm of his other hand, "we're perfectly safe, we got nothing to worry about."
Buster looked at him skeptically and asked, "Would you be willing to bet your life on that?"
"Ab-so-lutely," Yakko answered proudly.
A sudden and strange noise from somewhere nearby had everybody's eyes big and bulging and they all shook with terror.
"But with someone else's money," Yakko added in mostly the same tone as his previous statement, "Let's go!"
Everybody took off running and screaming as a few seconds later a tall figure stepped out from the bushes wearing a hockey mask, a tattered jacket and a red baseball cap.
"YOWWWWWW!" Plucky screamed, "It's him again!" and took off running at double speed.
The seven toons took off running with the maniac behind them, they ran out of the scene, then a second later the killer ran back into the scene and over to the other side as the Tiny Toons and the Animaniacs chased after him wielding their mallets. They just made it out of scene when they doubled back running in terror again as he came back wielding a blaring chainsaw. The eight of them just exited the scene, when the maniac came back again running the other way as he was now chased by seven toons also wielding chainsaws. This came slightly more naturally to the Warners, Babs and Buster and their friends brought up the rear.
"Charge!" Buster announced and they picked up the speed chasing him out of the scene.
A few seconds later they all came running back again, still carrying the chainsaws, all of them screaming in panic as he chased after them again, this time carrying an even bigger chainsaw. He chased them out of the scene, and screamed a few seconds later as he doubled back, this time being chased by the toons who had gotten rid of their chainsaws and opted for more 'practical' weapons. Yakko had the blowtorch again and sent long flames shooting right up behind the seat of the killer's pants, Dot had a machine gun and was opening fire at him, Wakko was charging towards him with a giant weed whacker.
"Excuse me," Plucky tapped him on the shoulder and they momentarily dropped out of the chase, "But just what good is that gonna do?"
"I'm gonna give him a haircut he'll never forget," Wakko answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
Plucky rolled his eyes to look towards the 4th wall and dryly said, "Of course, stupid me!"
"Alright, hold it!" Buster put up his hands to command their attention, "Now this has gone on long enough. It's time to end these silly kid games...let's break out the heavy artillery!"
"Right!"
Babs ducked down and shot back up wearing a camouflage helmet and brandishing an M24 German stick grenade. She pulled the cord and yelled out "ACHTUNG!" as she gave it a wind up, and a pitch. It landed right on the killer's head as it exploded.
"Guess it wasn't an automatic," Dot commented, then looked to the 4th wall and said, "Obscure reference, ask your British neighbors."
The smoke cleared and the killer was still on his feet, his clothes and mask all black and singed as he wobbled from one side to the other before falling flat on the ground, causing a small 'thud'.
"Alright!" Buster cheered as they gathered around the maniac.
Plucky let out a set of short, nervous, half laughs as he tiptoed over to the lunatic and said, feigning bravery and failing miserably, "I guess we showed him."
"Weeeeeee?" everybody crowded around him and looked at him with big skeptical eyes.
The green duck shrugged and silently backed up.
"Uh...I hate to ruin the mood," Hamton said timidly, "but does anybody remember that unwritten rule about horror movies?"
"What?" Dot asked.
"Oh...you know...the one where you..." Hamton yelled so loud he was lifted off his feet and his eyes were squeezed shut as he told them, "DON'T STAND OVER THE KILLER UNLESS YOU'RE SURE HE'S DEAD!"
At the last syllable the tall psychopath sprang to his feet, causing everybody to scream and they took off running again.
The chase detoured into the house, in a row everybody ran through the living room, the dining room, into the doctor's bedroom, where he still lay on the bed turned on his side sawing logs, the ear plugs making him peacefully oblivious to what was going on as everybody ran one way, then the other, then back again, and doubled around, all the while the killer chased after them with a roaring chainsaw swiping every which way but somehow missing everything.
Everyone ran back out into the hall and split up, going in different doors, Dot and Babs on one side, Yakko and Buster on the other, Wakko, Hamton and Plucky through the door behind them. The killer ran into the door Yakko and Buster had gone through, and as soon as it slammed, the guys came out of the girls' room and ran across the hall to the room Wakko was in and slammed it behind them. The killer came out of Yakko's room and went across the hall to the girls' bedroom.
"YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Babs hollered as she and Dot scurried across the hall to Yakko's bedroom and slammed the door.
The girls' door opened and the killer ran across the hall to Wakko's room and slammed the door behind him. All seven of the toons came out of the girls' room and took off running, followed a few seconds later by the psychopath.
"Here bunny bunnies!" he called tauntingly as he chased after them.
The Warners put on their brakes and noisily skidded to a stop in the middle of the room and turned around to face the killer, who had also yielded.
"Hold it right there, I want to get something straight before we go any further," Yakko announced, and the three of them in unison raised their arms to their chests as he explained, "We are not rabbits."
"Uh...dogs?" the killer asked.
"Nope, try again," Dot said.
"Cats?"
"Wrong again," Wakko replied.
The killer scratched his head as he thought and offered, "Marsupials?"
"Not even close," Yakko shook his head.
"Platypuses?"
"Still wrong," Dot told him.
"Mmmmm...I give up."
"We're the Warner Brothers!"
"And the Warner Sister," Dot added.
"Now there's no need to despair," Yakko said as he lightly shoved the killer over to the center of the floor, "Even though you didn't win the grand prize, there is still a chance for you to win a wonderful consolation prize, all you have to do is say the secret word."
"What's the secret word?" he asked.
"Yes," Dot said.
"Yes?"
Bells and buzzers sounded as Yakko said, "You said the secret word! That means the Wakko comes down and hits you on the head."
Wakko swooped down on a rope and hit the killer square on the head with an extra large mallet so he pancaked on the floor.
"Thank you for playing our guessing game," Yakko said, "We now return to your previously scheduled program."
They all took off with a whoosh, it was a minute before the killer could get back to his original condition, but once he did, he was off and running after them again.
He'd just jumped off the porch when a set of headlights blinded him and he was promptly run over by Dr. Scratchansniff's car.
"No no no, Wakko," Yakko said as he moved the gearshift, "You pulled up too far."
"Oh!"
"Here, we'll put in reverse and back up."
He moved the gear from 'D' to 'R' and Wakko buried the accelerator to the floor, the tires squealed and kicked up dirt a second before backing up and running over the killer again.
"Gotta do something about those speed bumps out here," Yakko said as they put the car in park and got out.
"Now there's a joke that hasn't seen the light of day since the Roadrunner cartoons," Yakko commented.
The killer suddenly popped to his feet and was grunting and growling as he stared at them through the black eye holes in his hockey mask.
"Maybe for good reason," Yakko added as he grabbed his little brother and ran off.
They'd just disappeared around the side of the house, and the killer was about to follow them when he was stopped short.
Buster was at the forefront now in a tuxedo jacket with tails and carrying a conductor's wand as he announced, "It's that time again folks, yes, time for Classical Music Theatre."
"Heh?" the killer asked.
"That's right, Classical Music Theatre, and today we will be covering the Anvil Chorus, composed by the late, the legendary, Giuseppe Fortunino Francesco Verdi."
"Educational reference, make your teachers proud," Dot addressed the 4th wall.
Buster cleared his throat and started waving his arms around conducting as the others hummed the tune, which was promptly accompanied by anvils dropping out of the sky, one by one, all landing on the killer's head, and each one was accompanied by the Warners and the Tiny Toons whacking on them with hammers, causing an intense vibration in his ears. It carried on like this for two whole minutes until the song finally ended.
"Every good show needs to go out with a bang," Yakko said as he handed the killer a large stick of dynamite that the fuse was lit and sparking on.
There was a deafening KABOOM! as the TNT exploded, revealing the killer was once again charred black and half of his mask was a black melted mess, after a few seconds of just standing there rigid, he fell flat on his back with a more pronounced 'thud'.
Red and blue lights flashed as a police car rolled up and two uniformed officers stepped out. The one who'd been driving said with a slightly Irish accent, "Alright, folks, that's enough, the airport's been calling to complain about the noise."
The killer pulled himself to his feet and all but threw himself in the officers' arms as he told them, rambling behind his mask, "Put me back in prison, get me away from those kids, I can't stand this! I confess! I did it! Even if I didn't, I did it, just take me away, lock me up and throw away the key! Just get me away from them!"
The two officers shrugged cluelessly, but put him in the backseat of the car and drove off.
"Bye bye!" everybody waved as the police car disappeared in the distance. Everybody whooped and cheered and joined hands and jumped up and down.
"Boy, that was great!" Babs said.
"Yeah, that's about all the excitement I can take for one night," Plucky commented a little less enthusiastically.
"Me too, and I'm starving," Hamton said, "Fear makes me hungry."
"Come on, let's get something to eat," Yakko pointed the way as they headed to the house.
"Mmmm-MM!" Buster said as he dropped the bone from the rib he'd just eaten, "That was de-licious."
"I'll say," Hamton agreed.
There was a pile of dirty dishes in the middle of the kitchen table that everybody decided would keep until morning. It was a safe bet the doctor would have to go grocery shopping tomorrow, they'd eaten about everything in the fridge except a quart of milk, a pack of eggs, and the box of baking soda in the back.
"Oh boy, after that, I'm ready for some shuteye," Plucky said.
"Hey look," Buster said, "it's almost morning, the sun will be up soon."
"Well I've got an idea," Yakko said, twirling Scratchansniff's key ring on his finger, "Why don't we get you guys dropped off at Acme Acres now and then we'll come back and hit the hay?"
"I don't know what good that'd do, but okay," Wakko said as he started punching a pile of hay with both fists.
Dot and Yakko exchanged a look, and Yakko told her, "Don't look at me, he's your brother."
Dot turned to the 4th wall with her lips pursed together in a wry expression.
"We can't do that," Buster said, "We don't know how to drive."
"Don't worry, we do it all the time," Yakko said.
"Huh, I guess the network's not as worried about you guys being good role models to the kids watching," Babs commented.
"They locked us in a water tower for 60 years, what do you think?" Dot asked.
"Alright, let's go," Yakko said, "I'm driving."
"I call shotgun!" Wakko exclaimed.
"No, I got the shotgun," Dot said as she held up a double barreled 12 gauge.
Babs looked to the 4th wall and added, "More stuff they wouldn't let us do in our time slot."
Everybody piled into the doctor's car, Yakko started it up and pulled out of there, and in a few minutes they were on the main road.
"Can I turn on the radio?" Wakko asked.
"NO!" everybody answered.
"Sheesh, I was just asking."
"Home sweet home," Buster said as he and his friends got out of the car. They were only a few blocks from his and Babs' holes in the ground, a couple blocks another direction from Hamton's home, and Plucky was catching a cab to his home down on the waterfront. "Thanks for the ride, Yakko!"
"Yeah, thanks for inviting us out," Babs added, "We had a great time!"
"Oh yeah, terrific," Plucky dryly replied.
"Let's do it again sometime," Hamton said, and added with a slight stutter, "W-when there aren't any escaped maniacs running around."
"I take offense at that," Yakko said.
"You take offense at what?" Buster asked.
"I am an escaped maniac."
"Me too," Dot added.
"Me three," Wakko said.
"Him more than most," Dot pointed to her brother.
"See ya round, guys!" Babs waved.
"Bye!" Dot waved out the window with both hands as Yakko put the car in reverse, did a U-turn, and sped haphazardly back to their rental house.
When Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff woke up the next morning, the sun was shining, the birds outside were chirping, and he felt completely relaxed and well rested. He stretched and listened to a few things creak and pop, went into the bathroom for a shower and shave, changed into a fresh set of clothes, and headed out to the kitchen to make breakfast. On the way he stopped suddenly in the living room at a surprising sight.
Yakko was sprawled across the couch in the living room, snoring heavily, as were his siblings, who were piled on top of him, Dot lay crosswise over the top of Yakko's head, and Wakko lay curled up in the gap between Yakko's knees, all of them snoring in unison and dead to the world.
Dr. Scratchansniff smiled satisfactorily and said to himself, "I told dem dis vould be a great experience for dem, this fresh country air makes zem sleep like babies."
A/N: The 'obscure reference' is for the 'Bambi' episode of the 80s UK show "The Young Ones".
