WHAT IF

Chapter 6 - Hide And Not-Seek

Hermione sat at the library like she had in the last three days. She worked rigorously on her homework for all her classes - and she attended enough classes to keep herself busy for weeks - but still the nagging feeling of disappointment, loneliness, sadness and anger was boiling under the surface of her carefully blank face.

She didn't want to show Harry and Ron how deeply wounded she was by their behaviour. But she was, quite bad actually. She had only told Professor McGonagall about the broom because she was worried about Harry. She had thought that the boys would get it, would understand it. Of course, she had expected them to be angry first, but not like this. And she certainly had thought that Ron would see things her way.

Honestly, wasn't Harry's safety more important than some stupid broom? And he would get the blasted thing back, for Merlin's sake. It wasn't like McGonagall would destroy the broom or lock it away forever. Their professors would check it thoroughly and then Harry would get his stupid toy back.

Hermione willed herself to stop thinking about it and concentrated back on her homework. She was currently rewriting her essay on werewolves for Professor Snape since they hadn't needed to hand it in she wanted at least to add it to her personal learning materials. And it was a good way to keep her mind busy. Werewolves were quite fascinating to her since Muggles also had their own myths and fairy tales about them. Hermione often caught herself wondering how similar the magical truth and the muggle myth were to each other. And still they were miles between them. Really fascinating.

It was also really fascinating that Professor Lupin was always sick when there was a full moon around. While checking the facts for her essay Hermione suddenly realised the many matches between the behaviour of werewolves and the sickness of their DADA teacher. He was a werewolf, Hermione realised, but even that couldn't lighten her up. The thought of sharing it with Ron and Harry flitted through her mind, but since they weren't talking with her and Lupin was a really good teacher she decided to keep silent for now.

At the DADA lesson from Professor Snape Ron defended me, Hermione remembered suddenly as she wrote down the differences between a werewolf and an Animagus. Snape had scolded her for being a know-it-all and Ron - despite calling her such himself quite often - had defended her. Now he wasn't even speaking to her anymore. Because of a stupid broom!

Hermione swallowed hard to will down the lump in throat, a sure signal that she would cry any moment. She hadn't spent this much time crying and being miserable since… since never. Never had Hermione been this sad and alone before. During her childhood at the Muggle schools she had been used to being alone among her peers, and her parents had always been there. And even at the beginning of her first year at Hogwarts it hadn't been this bad. Because back then she hadn't known how it felt like to have friends. How it was to go to classes and meals together with people who liked her. People who waited for her and were worried for her well-being. Friends who visited her in the hospital wing when she was a cat or petrified.

And now Hermione feared that maybe she would never feel friendship like this again. What if Harry and Ron would never forgive her? What if they ignored her for the rest of their school years?

The heavy lump in her throat made his way back and pressed dangerously against her self-control. She wouldn't cry at the library! Madame Pince was already eyeing her with pity since Hermione was the only student who spent her holidays alone at the library every hour of the day. If she cried in front of the old librarian then surely one of the professors would ask her what was wrong with her.

Determined Hermione packed her things, threw a tight smile in Madame Pince general direction and then left the library. Slowly she made her way through the castle but stopped when she realised that Harry and Ron would probably be at the common room.

In the last three days Hermione had avoided them. She wasn't strong enough to see their dirty glares and live with them ignoring her. So, she opted for ignoring and avoiding them. If she didn't see them then it would be easier to focus on her homework and to stop thinking about their fight. Or so had been the theory.

The truth - plain and painful - was that Hermione had hoped, deep down in her heart, that maybe Harry and Ron would search for her. That maybe, if she avoided them for a day or two, didn't show up at meals or in the common room, that they would be worried about her. That they would think twice about their fight and search for her. But that hadn't happened. Day three and still she was alone. And she hadn't made it hard to find her. Sitting at the library all the day wasn't exactly a good hiding spot.

Hot tears danced on the brim of her eyes and Hermione decided that fresh air would be nice. Maybe a short stroll around the castle, breathing the winter air and feeling the cold. That would cool her down and maybe stop the tears from spilling.

For half an hour or so Hermione wandered aimlessly around the grounds, to the owlery where she patted Hedwig - at least Harry's owl didn't ignore her - and then to the black lake. The weather was wonderful. A crisp cold winter day, snow everywhere, but the sky was clear and the winter sun even warmed her cheeks a bit. It would have been a wonderful day if Hermione wouldn't be able to see the damn Quidditch pitch. A constant reminder of her misery.

"Hermione! Wha' doin' out here? Enjoyin' the weather?" Hagrid came down from the castle, Fang by his side, and looked at Hermione with a sad smile. The news about Buckbeak's trial was still upsetting him visibly.

"Yes, I thought fresh air and a little walk where exactly what I need." Hermione pressed out with a weak smile.

"Wan' some tea? Yeh seem a bit cold." Hagrid offered and Hermione nodded slowly. There was nothing better she had to do anyway and going back to the castle would only mean to either go back to hiding at the library or meet Harry and Ron at Gryffindor tower.

Hermione sat in a nice, comfortable silence in Hagrid's hut while the gamekeeper brewed tea and offered her some of his hard cookies. Hermione nibbled at them out of politeness but even if they had been good, she wouldn't have been able to eat much.

"So, wha's wrong with yeh?" Hagrid slumped down on his massive chair and handed Hermione a giant mug of hot, steaming tea. She took a small sip. The liquid warmed her up from the inside immediately and if felt like the dam she had built around her heart was breaking down. A dam that had been holding back all her sadness and loneliness in the last days.

"Harry and Ron are angry at me." She muttered, relieved to finally tell someone about it. In the letters to her parents Hermione had pretended that everything was fine and that she enjoyed her holidays at Hogwarts with her friends. She couldn't tell her parents that she had resigned from seeing her family in order to keep Harry company but now was the lonely and miserable one herself. Her parents surely wouldn't be pleased.

"Oh, don' yeh worry. Every'hing will be fine when yeh come back later. Yeh guys can' figh' for long." Hagrid smiled reassuringly.

"I wish it would be like that, but they have been ignoring me since Christmas. They don't talk to me and when they do, they're really mean." A small hiccup escaped Hermione and that was the last straw. Tears were rolling down her cheeks at once and with a quivering voice she started to tell Hagrid everything about the broom without a card and how Ron was constantly angry at her because of Crookshanks.

"Oh, Hermione… don' worry. They will forgive yeh as soon as they realise how stupid it is ter figh' over such things." Hagrid patted her back soothingly and even Fang snuggled into her side.

"Thank you, Hagrid." Hermione breathed shakily when she finally was able to calm down. She sat with Hagrid for an hour or two after this, talked about his classes and the trial of Buckbeak. Hermione handed Hagrid all the material she had found so far and they started to think about a possible defence strategy for the hippogriff. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon and Hermione temporarily forgot about her problems till it was time to go back to the castle.

"Thank you for this, Hagrid." She hugged the big man and blushed a bit.

"'s no'hing. If yeh wan', yeh can come down for a tea any'ime."

When Hermione arrived at the Great Hall Harry and Ron were already finished with dinner and she was the last of the few students to eat something. Afterwards she opted for spending the time till curfew at the library and when she came back to Gryffindor Tower that evening the common room was empty and the fire already burned down. No one had waited for her.

OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO

Hermione continued her little game of hide and not-seek also when the second term started and the other students came back. Now the common room was always full of people, even when she arrived late in the evening, but that didn't change anything about her loneliness. At the meals Hermione sat beside older students, ate fast and always had a book on the table to bury her nose in.

The loneliness and the obvious treatment from Ron and Harry were one thing that made Hermione miserable. But the workload from her classes were also wearing her down slowly but surely. It became harder and harder each day to use the Time Turner, jump back a few hours and then go to another class. Her days seemed almost endless, which wasn't a good thing since it also made her loneliness endless.

Ginny was the only person besides Hagrid who Hermione talked to currently. But Ginny as a second year had a different time table than Hermione there wasn't much time they could share. And Hermione's workload also didn't allow much leisure time anyway.

Lavender and Parvati, who had become colder and colder since the beginning of the year and their fascination with Divination, became even more hostile this term. Apparently Hermione hadn't reacted appropriate when Lavender's bunny died and now both of them were quite angry with her and ignored her too. At the beginning Hermione had thought that it wouldn't make things much worse, since the treatment from Harry and Ron certainly hurt her more but coming to her room and constantly feeling not welcome, that made it worse. Now Hermione didn't even a secure place to recover from her daily struggles anymore.

Between visiting Hagrid and working on Buckbeak's case, using the Time Turner and trying to catch up with her homework Hermione felt like she was drowning in the Black Lake. She was constantly tired and exhausted.

These days Hermione suddenly remembered her soul mark again. And a familiar longing for a soul mate, someone who wouldn't ignore her for keeping him or her save, filled her heart. But also, a slight feeling of guilt spread through her every time she thought like that. Because she only wished for her soul mate when she was lonely and really, what kind of friendship was that, when one only longed for the other in times of need. The last two years Hermione had been perfectly happy without her soul mate and she would survive this with one too. She didn't want her happiness to depend on someone. It was worse enough that she was a wrack while fighting with Harry and Ron.

OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO

When Harry approached Hermione with the Firebolt in his hands and an apologetic smile on his face, Hermione almost cried. She painful wound from being ignored for so long opened up and hurt all over from the hope of finally being able to reconcile. Hermione and Harry had just started a conversation about her classes, when Ron bolted down the stairs with a bloody sheet in his hands and destroyed all hope.

And that's when Hermione started to get angry instead of sad. She understood that Harry had been angry because of the Firebolt, really, she got it. She still thought it was stupid but at least he had been angry for something she actually did. But Ron was angry with her for something that was absolutely not her fault. How should she manage to observe Crookshanks 24 hours a day and keep him from doing something that all cats did? It was nature. And really, there wasn't even any proof that it had been Crooks. So, Hermione was back to square one, hide and not-seek.

"You know, Hermione, you have to admit, that it's quite possible that Crookshanks ate Scabber. If you just would apologise to Ron for it." Harry started one day and Hermione snapped.

"OK, side with Ron, I knew you would!" She said shrilly. "First the Firebolt, now Scabber, everything's my fault, isn't it! Just leave me alone, Harry, I've got a lot of work to do!" Hermione stormed off to the library, but before she reached her save heaven - because apparently Harry and Ron never found their way to the library without her - she crashed into someone. Her big, heavy book bag slumped down on the floor and half a dozen books spilled out of it.

"Fantastic," Hermione muttered but she felt the lump in her throat grow again. She didn't dare to look up at who she had crashed into and instead leaned down and started to pick up her books. She wasn't keen on talking to anyone right now.

"Merlin, Granger, how do you carry that many books around?" A teasing voice exclaimed and a second later someone was beside her on the floor. Fred handed Hermione carefully book after book and with her eyes casted on the bag she packed everything hasty. If Ron was angry then his brothers were probably too.

"Wait a moment," Fred rummaged in his pocket, producing his wand from it, and then started to charm her bag. "There you go. Feather-light-charm makes it easier to carry all that stuff. Should hold a while but if you need a refresh just holler, okay?"

"Thank you," she stated primly.

"Are you okay, Hermione?" Fred asked a truthfully worried gaze in his eyes and no sign of his usual joking.

"Yes, I just have a lot to do, homework and everything." Hermione avoided his eyes and started to walk towards the library again.

"Oi, Hermione, tell me if Ron and Harry don't get their head out of each other's arses soon. I have prank or two that will help with that." Fred called after her, mischief back in his voice, and Hermione only rolled her eyes as she waved him off. But still a smile tucked at her lips. The first real one since weeks. Who would have thought that it would be Fred Weasley that finally lifted her spirits a bit?

OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO

"Okay, I think if we convince the judges that it was actually Malfoy's fault for not listening in class we have a good case. Since pride is in the nature of hippogriffs no can judge them for acting on it." Hermione and Hagrid a good plan, brilliant really. Hermione had researched everything about trials against creatures and the department for the regulation and control of magical creatures and was hopeful that Hagrid had all he needed. He just needed to keep a cool head.

"Saw Harry with 'is new broom, so every'hing's good again between yeh?" Hagrid handed her another tea as Hermione sorted through their papers.

"No, Ron lost his rat and now he is angry at me because he thinks Crookshanks ate Scabber. Says I should have kept a better eye on my cat." Hermione sniffed bit she didn't cry. She had done that often enough during her countless visits with Hagrid and for once she wanted to be strong.

"He's angry a' a cat fer chasing rats?" Hagrid let out a barking laugh. "Well, tha' some'hing's new! Mad a' a cat fer chasing rats." Hagrid's laugh was so joyous that even Hermione let out a chuckle.

"Don' yeh worry. It will be all good in the end."

"I really want to believe that," Hermione murmured into her tea.

OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO

"I probably should be angry with you." Hermione scratched Crookshanks behind his ears. The big cat only purred loudly as an answer and turned himself into a ball on Hermione's stomach.

"You really did eat Scabbers, didn't you? Bad cat." Hermione sighed. Well, talking to a cat, that's how far it had gotten with her. Crookshank meowed accusingly when she stopped scratching him and with another sigh she started again.

She couldn't be angry at the half-kneazle. He didn't do anything wrong and was unable to feel any remorse or a guilty conscience. He was just a cat and did what all cats did, as Hagrid had put it so well.

OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO OOO

With a heavy heart Hermione decided to watch the Quidditch game with Neville. She really didn't want to. She had so much to do. Homework… so much homework. Even with the Time Turner she was getting less and less sleep.

While the After Party was in full swing Hermione had opted to sit at a corner table and tried to catch up with her work. Yes, she could have gone to the library instead or her dorm room, but she still wanted to be part of it. She wasn't brave enough to celebrate with the other since Ron was still shooting her dirty glares at every possible occasion and made hateful remarks about Scabber.

"Come on, Hermione, come and have some food," Harry said when he approached her. He had made small attempts to reconcile with her but Hermione was still angry at him for siding with Ron and hurt about the ignoring because of his Firebolt.

"I can't, Harry, I've still got four hundred and twenty-two pages to read! Anyway… he doesn't want me to join in." And as if Ron wanted to prove her right, he started to loudly inform the whole common room about Scrabbers' death, again. And Hermione just burst into tears. The exhaustion and the fight finally made her snap. The hard self-control she had had over herself so that she wouldn't cry in front of other people finally ran out and with her book under the arm she stormed out of the common room.

Library… or Hagrid's… somewhere where no one would seek her out.

"Ouch!" Hermione crashed onto the floor as she - again - had run into someone.

"We have to stop meeting like this, Granger." A chuckling Fred, who was also on the floor, sweets scattered around him, said. He offered his hand to help her up but she declined, grabbed her book and started to get away but Fred grabbed her arm.

"What's wrong?" He mustered her tearstained face with a worried gaze.

"Nothing," Hermione tried to get away but found that he wouldn't let go.

"You're not crying because of Ron, are you? Because he's so not worth it. Like I said, a prank or two and he will be thinking straight again. Just say the word." Hermione knew it was meant as a joke but Fred sounded dead serious and there was no smile to betray his words.

"I will. For now, I just need some time alone. Clear my head." Hermione tried a smile, one that apparently didn't impress Fred very much.

"Okay…" he answered slowly, like he was trying to think about what he wanted to do next. "Here, take this. And when you need someone to set Ron straight or just to talk too," he blushed, "then I'll be there." In his hands was a large bar of chocolate from Honeydukes and Hermione suppressed her urge to scold him for leaving the castle to get sweets.

"Thank you, Fred." She took the chocolate gingerly and hoped he would leave it like that.

"Who says I'm not George?" The twin laughed, a challenge in his voice.

"I say it since I'm able to tell you apart for a year now." Hermione grinned at his confused face and then started to walk away as fast as she could.

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" Fred called after her but she only laughed. A full laugh that made her forget all her worries for one delicious moment as she sat in the library and ate the chocolate secretly.

That night was the best Hermione slept for weeks or would have been if it hadn't been for Ron waking up the entire tower with his screams and the news that Sirius Black managed to get inside the Gryffindor Tower and the boys' dorm room.

Thank you all for reviewing, following and liking this story. It's so much fun to write when you get so much resonance. Please review and tell me what you think of this.