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I sit on the bed and my thumb hovers over Mom on my phone. All I have to do is hit the button and it'll dial. That's all. Finally, I do it and put the phone up to my ear. It rings a couple of times.
"Hello?"
"Hello?" She says again, "Eleanor? Are you there?"
"Yeah, Mom. It's me. Um, how are you?"
"I'm good, Ella. How are you? How's the internship going?"
"It's good, Mom. I'm learning a lot and everyone has been pretty nice so far." Here we go.
"Really? Have you met anyone special?" I knew she would ask that. Mom has always wanted me to get a boyfriend and "have someone to spend time with." Like spending 60 or more hours a week with people during the internship isn't enough.
"Yeah, Mom. I've actually met a few special someones."
"Oh, really? Well, tell me about them."
"Well, there's Alex. He's a doctor, too. He's a bit older than me but he's been really great. It isn't anything serious right now but I think eventually it could turn into something more."
"That's great, honey. What about the others?"
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." This is it. Bite the bullet. No anesthesia. "Mom, I met Derek Shepherd's family."
Mom is silent on the other end of the phone. The only sign that she hasn't hung up is the faint noise of her breathing in and out. "His family, huh? Have you met him?" She finally asks.
"No. He actually, um, he died a few years ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. Mom, why did you and Derek break up?"
"Eleanor, do we really have to get into this? It was forever ago."
"I know, Mom, but I came all the way to Seattle to meet him and now I never will. It didn't bother me before, not knowing anything about your relationship with Derek, but now I want to know."
"You went to Seattle for Derek? I thought Grey-Sloan was one of the best teaching hospitals. Why did you lie about your real intentions about going to Seattle?"
"Mom, I didn't lie." I stand up and run my fingers through my hair and start pacing back and forth. "Grey-Sloan is one of the best teaching hospitals. Meeting Derek was just going to be a happy coincidence. I know you're probably mad and all of this is a shock to you, but will you please just tell me about why you broke up?"
"Ella", my mom sighs, "we broke up for the same reasons everyone breaks up at the end of college. I wanted to stay in Maine and start working as a teacher. Derek wanted to go back to New York and go to Columbia for medical school. We didn't want to do the long distance thing and as much as we liked each other, I think we both knew we would never get married, so we just decided to end it."
"When did you find out you were pregnant? Did you try to tell him about me before I was born?"
"When I found out I was pregnant, I was really scared. The day before I had had a job interview and had felt really good about it. I was feeling kind of bloated and that morning I realized I was late. I took the test and it turned positive. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how Derek would react. I knew that while we were dating, one of his sisters had a baby and he was so excited, went and bought a Bowdoin onesie for the baby and when his sister went into labor, he missed some classes so he could go see the brand new baby. But that was his sister's baby, not his. One that when it was hungry or needed a diaper change he could hand it back. I didn't know if he would be that excited about his own.
I knew deep down that he wouldn't ask me to get an abortion, but I also knew that even if he did, I couldn't go through with it. So, I decided to keep you a secret. I also knew that he was in medical school, he didn't have time to get a job and he couldn't take care of you financially. I also knew he couldn't just pack everything up and come back to Maine. As much as I wanted him to know, I knew I wasn't going to leave Maine for New York. With Derek being the guy that he was, I knew that not being able to take care of you would bother him and I didn't want him to do anything radical in order to fix that. Just before my first appointment, I found out that I got the job. I wouldn't be making a ton of money but it would be enough to take care of us and it had pretty good benefits, insurance and the like.
I wanted to tell Derek, but as time went on, it got easier to keep it from him. Then you were born. The first time I saw you, I saw him. You were so beautiful and you looked just like him. You looked so much like him that it hurt. Your middle name, Hatch, I know I told you that I thought it was cool and unique, and I spent a lot of time in the Hatch Science Library during undergrad, but it's actually where Derek and I met.
Before we left the hospital, I wrote Derek a letter. I had to tell him about you, regardless of what was to come. Eleanor, I never told you, because there wasn't a reply. I'm so sorry, honey, that doesn't mean that he didn't care. It very easily could have gotten lost in the mail or maybe I had the address wrong, I don't know…"
"Mom, you had the address right." I interrupt her. I can't let her think he didn't care or she made some mistake. "Derek's mom is here visiting, she got the letter. She read it and never told Derek about it."
"Oh, honey. I can't believe she would do that."
"Yeah, me neither. It seems like she was just trying to protect him. She seems like a nice enough person. But mom, why wouldn't you try to call him? I mean, you must have still had his number, right?"
"Well, once I found out I was pregnant, I was really mad at Derek. Now I knew it wasn't all his fault that I was pregnant but it's a lot easier to blame the person who isn't there. Anyways, I was on a ferry and almost called, but got too scared and ended up throwing the phone over the railing and lost all of my contacts. It was hell trying to get back in touch with all of my old friends."
"Oh, well anyways, Derek seems to have done alright for himself and so did you. I turned out alright I think, so I guess it all worked out."
"So, tell me about the rest of his family. I know he had a lot of sisters."
"Yeah, so Amelia is the only one I've met. She's really cool and thinks I have a knack for neuro. I've met his wife, Meredith, and his kids, Zola, Bailey, and Ellis. Meredith is really nice and the kids are great. I'm actually at their house right now. Last night is when everything kind of came to blows and it was a bit dramatic. I don't know if I'll ever forgive Carolyn, but I think that Meredith, Amelia, and the kids could be family out here, you know?"
"I'm really glad they've accepted you, sweetheart. I think you should really think about forgiving Carolyn. She and her daughters and Meredith are the only people that can tell you about Derek. Sure, if she would have given him the letter things could have been different, but this is your shot to get to know him the way they did and it's the best you're going to get, Ella."
"You know, Carolyn said something similar to that earlier. I will try to get to know Derek through them, the forgiveness thing will come later."
"Ok, hun. Just try. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
"No, I think that's enough for now. Thanks, mom, for answering my questions, telling me about you and Derek. It means a lot to me."
"Of course, Eleanor. I should have told you sooner."
"It's ok. I'll talk to you later."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye, mom."
I hang up, sit back down on Alex's bed, and take a deep breath and let it out. I always hated my middle name and hated telling to people at Bowdoin, but now, knowing where it came from, I want to shout it from the rooftops.
I stand up and head towards the door. As I put my hand on the knob, all I can think about is getting a drink with Alex.
