Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.

A/N: Any major grammatical errors you see in this chapter are intentional--any others will be dealt with accordingly. I am also quite aware that "Taisho" isn't his actual name.

--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--

Sexiest Man Alive Award Finale

International fame was not something that Darumaya Taisho wanted. A knife set and Kyouko moving out of her boyfriend's penthouse and back into their house was what he wanted. He didn't understand why he was being punished so horrifically. He had finished high school, gone through college--a major in becoming a Taisho and a minor in mastering the art of cutting anything. The restaurant got good business and was doing even better thanks to the media finding out that the famous actress, Kyouko, once lived there. That said, why on earth was he being punished? Whatever the reason, he was stuck there with the other nineteen suave and sexy men.

******************

One man in particular, Radiocappi Chickiomopi, sighed in a very dramatic way.

"Oh, I doooo wiiissshhh theeeeyyyy wouuulllldddd hurrryyy upppp," he drawled in such a way that it made the author ashamed to type the sentence. Fuwa Shou, who was close by, told him to put the spare translator device--that he brought just in case--on his throat. Radiocappi accepted it and put it on his neck.

"Ooooohhh....Thiissss--This is a nice accessory. It reminds me of great-great-great-great grandmother, Jigobellia. You see, she was..." Shou completely tuned him out and glanced over at the host. She appeared to sound a little mournful, so he listened closer.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we begin this important ceremony, I have something terrible to announce." The audience hushed after this and everything went completely silent.

She paused for effect, then softly said, "Today...Ren Tsuruga, a famous Japanese actor, was found dead in his hospital bed. Apparently, he was allergic to cherry-flavored lollipops. So he is dead and gone now." The audience got noisy for a minute after Steria finished her depressing announcement.

"Ren Tsurooguh...That some kinda cereal?"

"Betty, look up this here Tsuruger feller!"

"I say, if it isn't my old cousin, Reginald, then I don't care!"

"Naw! Ain't he that dude that played that thar pretty boy in that thar hospital drama, Trailer?!"

"Oh my gawsh! No! Ren-kun no kawaii!! Kyaah!!!"

No one understood and no one--except the fangirls--really cared. Most of the audience wasn't from Japan anyway and never heard of the actor before. No one noticed at first that Shou had just started cheering and a single tear had fallen from his right eye. Eventually, some women saw him tearing up and it attracted them. He was moved up to the 4th position.

*******************

After the announcement that nobody gave a shit about was announced, the men were told to line up according to how sexy the audience thought they were. Taisho was dead last, of course, and Shou was among the top four instead of the top ten. This still did not please him, but Ren's death certainly did!

The audience stared at Taisho incredulously and the angry man stared back, hatefully giving each of them the finger. It caused a major uproar and the crowd yelled that he should be kicked out of the awards ceremony. Steria nervously looked back and forth at everyone. The audience screamed that such an atrocity should not be allowed on such a fine stage--especially when he's wearing neon pink sandals to go with the rest of his hideous attire. The veteran actress could feel her heart start to pound.

No! I've wanted to host this for ten years and this happens?!

She clenched her fists and shouted, "Please, Mr. Morison and I will attempt to take care of the problem." The audience gradually got quiet, save for a few heated mutters here and there. Steria motioned for Derrick to come to the stage. He walked up and whispered for her to come backstage with him. He already had a feeling what she was going to ask him, after all.

***************

"The audience is adamant that Taisho gets kicked off," Steria cried.

"No. I refuse to allow him to get the fortunate opportunity of getting kicked off," Derrick firmly replied. He was not about to let Taisho out yet--not until he was officially out of the awards ceremony. Plus, he was a little peeved that Steria had not asked him out on a date (which was what he assumed she would ask) and was not in a very friendly mood.

"How on earth do you expect for him to stay without the crowd actually booing him off the stage,"the actress countered. There was a long bout of silence following this, and Steria couldn't help but giggle. An older man walked up to her and hurriedly told her the audience was getting restless.

"Then make the men do a strip tease or something,"Derrick lazily suggested. The older man nodded and yelled for the strip tease to happen. The author would write about the sexy men strip teasing, but that would force her to change the rating of this epic--not really--fanfic.

"Strip...tease...,"Steria said those words slowly, as if they were foreign to her. Her eyes widened and she asked Derrick something. He looked at her for a moment, then nodded hesitantly.

"I have some...But I don't know if they would fit,"he said. He watched as she ran back to the stage, grabbed Taisho, and came running back towards him. The elder man hatefully glared daggers at them, but they disregarded him. Derrick grinned and lead Taisho to the nearest dressing room.

He was about to make an ugly man with a fine ass into a delectable work of art.

***************

Radiocappi swished his head back and forth then sighed. He swung his shirt around in a very "I'm Too Sexy" sort of way. Actually, that was the song that was being played as they all did a strip tease. All of a sudden, they heard an explosion and there were a bunch of sparkly lights. A person wearing tight, black pants and a glittery blouse to cover up any problem areas strutted out. It was none other the rude man from before, Taisho Darumaya. Because of the way the pants were designed, the man couldn't help but catwalk across the stage. Derrick and Steria pushed him towards the runway area near the audience. He flipped around gracefully and dramatically, revealing his finely sculpted derrière. It was, to say the least, an instant hit.

"Holy shit...Betty...Get a load of that guy's ass!"

"Oh, my...It's so...It's a work of art..."

"Isn't that Taisho from Darumaya, Shiko-san?"

"Ah...His ass is so beautiful! I must draw it!!!"

"Mr. Levin, take a picture for our wildly untrue Hollywood tabloid magazine!"

"OMG! No! Ren-kun no kawaii!"

Bright lights flashed like in a cheesy disco movie and the other men, so entranced by Taisho's astonishing transformation, all broke into a sexy strut. They uniformly walked forward then slid to the left and whipped around. The crowd cheered loudly and screamed they wanted more. Taisho gave them a death glare and flipped each of them off--but it would prove to be his future signature move in the future.

It was inevitable: Taisho had won the award--whether he liked it or not.

Everything became blurry after this and the older man felt as though his head was spinning. He started seeing his bedroom, then it would flash back to the audience. His vision got very hazy, then he drifted off.

--Insert "waking up" sequence here--

Taisho woke up with a start and looked around hectically. In the background, he heard the phone ring and his wife answering it. He groggily got up from his bed and stomped downstairs.

There doesn't seem to be anyone stupid here...Was that all a dream?

Okami-san smiled at him then continued her phone conversation.

"A cosplay event...What kind,"she cheerfully asked. Taisho froze and strained to hear the voice on the other end--it was Kyouko.

"Yogi Bear...Hmm... Well, you must come over on your birthday.'

"No!! She can't!!"

Okami-san looked at her husband with surprise and hesitantly asked him why.

"She just can't, okay? Something bad will happen if she does."

His wife looked at him strangely but relayed the message anyway. Taisho asked for the phone and she handed it to him. He let out a deep breath and said to the girl he regarded as a daughter, "Kyouko, please don't let Tsuruga-kun near cherry-flavored lollipops."

Unless you want him dead.

The sound of the television made him jump and he looked at the screen.

"Morison-san will be looking for the average man to enter to win the "Sexiest Man Alive" award. Maybe one of you lucky guys will get picked!!"

He froze.

"I won't be going out today," he muttered.

--The End...forever--

A/N: I hope everyone has enjoyed this story. In the next one, we all get to meet a very special lady from Shou and Kyouko's past.