Can You Feel Life, Movin' Through Your Mind?

Omake
A Very Different Announcement

(Uploaded on January 13, 2021)


Summary: You know what this is.

Notes: Strong language and mature content below; reader discretion is advised.


"I've come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch-ass motherfucker!"

A beat passed.

"What," Rin said.

"He pissed on my fucking wife. That's right, he took his hedgehog-fuckin' quilly dick out—"

"What is he—What is he talking about," Shirou asked, a flabbergasted look on his face.

"—and he pissed on my fucking wife; and he said his dick was 'tHIS bIG' and I said 'That's disgusting'!"

"This is—This is inappropriate, even for a man of his character," Saber said, disgusted. "And here I thought the last War's Archer was repulsive…"

"So I'm making a callout post on my : Shadow the Hedgehog, you've got a small dick. It's the size of this walnut, except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like.

"BWOOOOOOOOSH!"

On-screen, footage of a… well, a walnut-like object was shown in space. Its bottom half then inexplicably blew up, revealing a replica of Eggman's face—albeit, one with a very pointy nose.

Archer was at a loss for words.

Sweet Alaya, what am I looking at—?

"That's right, baby! All points, no quills, no pillows—look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong."

Rin blushed, a strangled cry exiting her mouth.

Shirou wasn't much better; he was burrowing his face in his hands, absolutely done with this.

No. Just—no.

"He fucked my wife, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the Earth! That's right, this is what you get—my SUPER LASER PISS!"

The mechanical nose sprouted out into a cannon, charging up a blue sphere much like one would charge up a… you know. To the tune of its drunken owner, it fired a blue beam—one that many, for a hot second, feared would strike the planet.

But it didn't. It sailed right over their heads.

Because…

"Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth. I'm gonna go higher."

"Wait, don't tell me," Saber tensed up, eyes widening. "Is he actually—!?"

"I'm pissing on the MOOOOOOOOOON!"

And then, calamity.

Half of the moon was blown off in an instant, just like that.

By a guy who had a grudge against a hedgehog for—for—

…they couldn't even say it; it was that stupid.

"How do you like that, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!"

I get it now, Rin suddenly nodded. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming, and any minute now, I'll be waking up back in my bedroom getting ready for the school day.

Yep. That is definitely what is happening right now.

"You have twenty-three hours before the piss drrrrrrroplets hit the fucking Earth, now get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!"

Shirou reacted appropriately. "What. The fuck."

It was the first time he and Archer actually agreed on something.

Which… really spoke volumes. About this, and them.

Speaking of Archer…

"Okay, screw this, I'm out," the red-clad bowman deadpanned, entering Astral Form and heading off in the direction of… somewhere; probably a bar.

Nobody else bothered to protest.


I couldn't resist.