Chapter Nine: Simon's Desperation
Simon trembled as he sat on his bed. He was a monster. No wonder Sam hated him. He was a stupid little fuck up. Sam always knew, hadn't she?
"How long do you think she's been waiting for you to shape up? How long do you think her guilt over a tiny mistake she made 8 years ago has forced her to tolerate you?
"How long do you think she's given you the benefit of the doubt, telling herself that today, you'd start being worthwhile? Today, you'd stop being a worthless piece of shit." Came a cruel voice that was shockingly like his own, but ice cold and hateful. He looked up and saw a shadowy figure that seemed to bear a passing resemblance in shape to him. His features were sharper though and his smile was wide and cruel.
"N-no… Sammy does love me." A high, cruel laugh rang out in Simon's ears.
"Yeah right! She said it herself! You tried to help her, but you're a big mouthed screw-up who betrayed her deepest secret. No wonder Sam stopped loving you. There was only so long someone as amazing as her could put up with a little loser like you!" The shadow said, his smile widening with each cruel word he spoke.
Simon tried to deny what the shadow was saying. But he knew it was true. He'd always been mediocre at best. He'd always relied more on her than she ever did on him. She'd never needed him. He'd always needed her more than was fair to expect. She was practically his mother. Amanda was the one who popped him out of her. But Sam was the one who raised him. He had owed her his unfailing loyalty and devotion, and all he had ever given her was one disappointment after another.
"I wonder if she'd love you more if all she had was a memory of you?" The shadow asked casually. Simon's eyes widened.
"I-what… I… What do you mean?" He whimpered.
"If you were dead and all she had was a memory… Maybe she'd have a better opinion of you. Maybe if you killed yourself, she could heal in peace and she would cry for you and love you.
"You're certainly no good to her alive. That's for sure. But if living is that important to you… Continue your unsightly existence and just keep crawling along like the loathsome little worm you are. Continue to be a disgusting little diaper stain on Sammy's life. You know… When Sammy was hurting, she cut herself. Maybe you'd feel better if you cut yourself." The shadow sneered.
"Yeah…" It said.
"Here, lemme help you. The first cut is always the hardest." It said, taking a razor and slicing Simon's arm open. Simon bit his lip to keep the cry of pain in. The shadow snickered.
"Not bad. Here. Now you try." Simon trembled as he held the blade up to his arm and drew it across, hissing in pain. This was supposed to be a dream. None of it was supposed to be real. He wasn't supposed to feel pain in his dreams.
Was this real life, or was this fantasy?
"God, now I'm quoting Queen." He rolled his eyes. Actually, it had hurt, but now that the pain was over, he felt a bit of a rush. He realized that his fear and guilt and sadness didn't hurt as much when he was hurting his body. He cut himself again, hearing the light hiss again from his mouth. This time he felt relieved though.
He was only dreaming, right? He did it again. After a few more, he stopped and his shadow let him rest in his own dreams. Even after his shadow technically let him rest, it flicked in and out of his dreams. He didn't sleep very well that night.
-0-
The next day, he woke up really tired. He needed to be rested because he needed to continue working on his painting of Sam. She deserved something special to prove how amazing she was to him. Art wasn't until later in the day. Last period. Maybe he could rest during lunch or recess or something. But whatever happened, he could at least rest during recess. He wanted to see Gil, but he also needed some rest. Even a 45 minute nap would help.
He went down to breakfast. He hated coffee, but he figured that a cup of it would help keep him up. He made a pot of Ethiopian coffee, knowing that it would have him wired for hours. He drank it black with his breakfast, already feeling the effects by the time he finished it.
"Simon? Sweetie? Why are you drinking coffee? It smells great by the way. What kind is it?" Amanda asked.
"Ethiopian. I didn't sleep well." Simon said, beginning to twitch slightly with the effects of the caffeine.
"Simon… You can't just dope yourself to keep yourself up. You'll crash in a few hours and be worse off than you are now." Amanda said.
"Why don't you stay home for the day and try to relax?"
"C-can't…" Simon said, his body tensing up.
"Have-have to finish m-my art project…" He said. Amanda sighed as Sam came down, pretending Simon wasn't even there, taking some toast and eggs and sausage that Simon made and eating it. She finished quickly and walked out without a word, heading to school.
"Mom? Does Sammy hate me?" Simon asked. Amanda shook her head.
"Of course she doesn't. She's just conflicted right now. She'll come around, sweetie. You want me to drive you to school?" The blonde woman asked. Simon shook his head.
"I'll be fine." He said.
"I need to walk off some of this energy anyways." He said, finishing up and walking to school. It was a beautiful day. The weather was starting to get a bit warmer. He still needed to wear long sleeves. But he was able to not wear a jacket. He sighed, feeling a little less tense as he walked into school and was immediately greeted by Gil, who hugged Simon tightly.
"Hey, Simon! How's it going! How was your night? What did you have for dinner?"
"Terrible, even worse and I don't really remember." Simon said exhaustedly. He was too wired to sleep, but he was still exhausted.
"Gil… I don't mean to be rude. I like you. But I can't concentrate on this conversation right now." He said.
"I just drank a cup of coffee and I'm wired and exhausted at the same time." Simon said. Gil nodded.
"Will I see you at recess?" He asked. Simon sighed, shrugging.
"I don't know. I might be able to take a nap during recess. I just hope I don't run into Oz or any of his cronies." Simon sighed.
"What is a conversation, what is exhausting and what is a cronie?" Gil asked.
"Conversation means a talk. Exhausting means it makes me tired. A crony is like a… friend. But not an equal." Simon said, trying to stay focused on the conversation.
"Okay." Gil said, smiling at Simon. He' never had a friend like Simon before. Actually, he wasn't sure if he'd ever had a friend before, other than his sister.
"Do you wanna come over to my place for dinner? Mommy and Daddy are making beef stew this Saturday." Gil said excitedly.
"I'd love to. When would you like me to come over?" Simon asked. Gil thought for a moment.
"Well… We always have dinner at 1800 hours exactly." Gil said.
"So maybe come at 1730 hours."
"Umm… What?" Simon asked.
"6 pm. Dinner is at 6 pm. Come over at 5:30 pm." Gil said. He never quite understood why nobody understood how he told time. He tried to talk about time the way everyone else did. But he always messed up. He always talked about it in military time because that was how his father told time.
His father had been a corporal in the Army. He was excited to have Simon over for dinner. His mom's beef stew was the best in the world. He smiled brightly and checked his watch, hurrying to class before the first bell. Simon left as well, sighing, knowing it would be a long day. He would call Sam after every class, hoping that Sam would at least answer, even if she didn't forgive him. His first class was history. He sat down and waited. There was a test that day.
He hadn't studied, but he was pretty good at history. He sighed as Mr. Martin handed out the test and had everyone start. The test would take the entire period. He did the best he could on the test. It was regarding the Civil War, which he was very interested in. He went through the questions and answered the ones he knew for sure before going back and answering the ones he was pretty sure on. By then, he had finished the test and put it face down on the table and took a nap for a little while until Mr. Martin collected the tests.
Class was then over and Simon went out and called Sam. It rang twice before going to voice mail. She had rejected the call. He sighed and went to math class, feeling even worse now. But he was going to keep trying if it killed him. It was only the beginning of the day and already he was exhausted. The coffee was wearing off and he needed sleep. His fatigue was beginning to overcome his anxiety and guilt and force him to try harder to stay awake.
He sat down in Ms. Moon's class and watched as his teacher walked in. She smiled at the class and handed out a worksheet for them to fill out. He usually was pretty good at math, but today, nothing made much sense, and this worksheet was no exception. He tried to concentrate, but ended up zoning out until Ms. Moon came over to him.
"Simon, is everything alright today? You've been staring at your sheet for almost fifteen minutes." She said gently. He nodded, yawning widely.
"Why don't you go to the nurse and see if she can let you rest for a little while? I'll write down the homework for you and you can come back to class well rested tomorrow." She said.
He nodded and packed up, heading to the nurse and being given a bed to rest on for a bit. He passed out and slept until the nurse woke him up for his next class. He called Sam again in the hallway. It went right to voicemail this time. She had turned off her phone, most likely to send him a message that she didn't want to talk to him. He sighed and went to a private place and left a message.
"Sammy? It's Simon… I just want to tell you how sorry I am for betraying you and I know I don't deserve t-to be forgiven, but I hope that you'll at least let me talk to you when we get home so I can try to make it up to you. Please give me the chance t-to make it up to you." Simon begged, saying that he loved her one last time and hanging up, going to English Class, where he sat in the back, hoping to not be noticed. He liked his English teacher, Ms. Mendis.
She was really cool and made class fun. Plus English was always one of his best subjects. He sighed. He was still a little bit tired, but feeling a bit better after the 20 minute power nap he had taken. He knew he would probably need another nap at recess. But for now, he was a little more alert as Ms. Mendis started handing out a book called Frindle, by Andrew Clements. The class was told that they should read a chapter a night, including Saturday and Sunday. They would have a test on it in two weeks.
They were going to read the first chapter as a class that day. She had students take turns reading.
"So who wants to go first? Read the first page. First page is front and back." Ms. Mendis said. A boy named Jerry Manheim in the third row raised his hand, and started reading when he got the go ahead. He read pretty quickly and was told to slow down a bit. He finished the first page and Emily Baker went next. She read much slower and seemed to have a bit of trouble with big words.
The class went on like that and finally, the chapter ended and she gave them an assignment for the night about Chapter 1 and told them to also read chapter 2. Simon sighed and went to gym. He wasn't ready for the physical activity, knowing that it would probably be Dodgeball again. They had to run four laps around the gym and then choose teams for Dodgeball. Simon was chosen by Hattie again to be on her team. He had shown promise in the game, so it was no surprise.
He was hardly the best athlete in class. But he was good and that made him desirable in gym. He played the best he could, but found that his fatigue was giving him slow reactions and he dodged the first few balls, but got hit right in the face, giving him a nosebleed. Pakowski wasn't going to let him go to the nurse. He would normally just tell them to pinch their nose and walk it off. But he had gotten in trouble for that policy before and sent him to the nurse.
Ms. Aarons smiled as he walked in.
"Well hello, Mr. Sharp. Here for another nap?" She asked teasingly. He shook his head.
"Got hit in the face in gym class. Dodgeball." He yawned. She nodded and gave him a tissue and told him to sit down and tilt his head back to slow the bleeding. He sighed and obeyed, sitting for about ten minutes before the bleeding stopped.
Ms. Aarons smiled.
"You're a fast healer. You can go back to gym class if you want or rest here for a bit." She said. He sighed and laid back, resting his eyes. Before he knew it, he was asleep and being woken up by the nurse for his next class. He called Sam again and again, he got no answer. Just an immediate answering machine. He sighed and left a brief message, asking her once more to give him another chance.
He knew he didn't deserve another chance. But he wanted to try. He grabbed his lunch and went to the lunchroom and sat down with a different crowd that day. He had seen the white haired boy before and wondered about his hair. Had he had light blonde hair and just bleached it? Or was it naturally white? And if it was naturally white, how? It was odd, but worked surprisingly well for him, and he seemed to have a wide circle of friends.
A light brown haired girl who seemed even more social than the white haired boy, an African American boy, a red haired boy with freckles, a red haired boy with glasses and a red, curly haired boy with pockmarks on his face.
"Hey… Do you mind if I sit here?" Simon asked tiredly, feeling a little bit shy about these new people. The white haired boy nodded and Simon sat down, taking out his lunch and eating.
"So, I saw you once in the hallway. What's your name?" The white haired boy asked.
"I'm Simon. What's your name? I feel like my big sister told me about a white haired boy."
"I'm Lincoln. Is your sister Sam Sharp by any chance?" He asked. Simon nodded.
"Yeah… We just moved her recently. How did you get your white hair?" Simon asked, not really worrying about tact or offending anyone.
"I was born with it as far as I know. My Pop Pop has white hair just like mine. So maybe it just skipped my mom and I got it instead. Do you like Ace Savvy?" Lincoln asked. Simon nodded.
"He's okay. I'm more of a Superman and Wolverine fan. But Ace Savvy is good. Do you play Magic the Gathering?" Simon asked. Lincoln nodded excitedly.
"I have like five different decks. Green Elves, Red Goblins, Black Discard and Direct Damage, and Blue Counter. What about you?" Lincoln asked, showing genuine interest in Simon. Sam had spoken well of him when they met and seemed to really care about him. So Lincoln figured that Simon must be pretty cool. Simon sighed.
"I have Green and Black Elves, Red and Black Goblins and Blue Wizards." Simon said.
"I'm not really that good yet, but Adalwin says I'm getting better. I'm also into paintball and airsoft. Do you like those?" Simon asked Lincoln and Clyde.
"Well, I play both sometimes with my big sister, Lynn…"
"My name is Clyde. I'm not really into those. My dads say I could get hurt playing games like that. I wouldn't want that." Clyde said. Simon raised an eyebrow.
"Dads?" He asked, sounding surprisingly hopeful.
"Yeah… I have two dads. They're married. Pretty cool, right?" Clyde asked. Simon nodded.
"So… Gay people are… Accepted here?" Simon asked, thinking of Sam.
Clyde looked at Lincoln and shrugged.
"I'm not sure. But my Dads have never said that anyone treats them bad. So I guess so. Why do you ask?" Clyde asked. Simon sighed. He couldn't betray Sam again by ratting on her to these kids he just met. They seemed nice, but he didn't know that for sure. Given that Clyde had two fathers, it was highly likely that he would be cool about it. But he couldn't risk it.
"No reason." Simon said after a long pause.
"So, what's you guys' names?" Simon asked.
"Well I'm Jordan. But people call me Girl Jordan because there are two Jordans in our class. One boy and one girl." Girl Jordan said.
"I'm Liam. I have a cousin in the grade below me. I ain't sure, but she told me about a blonde boy like you in her gym class. She said he was really good at dodgeball." Liam said. Simon chuckled. Hattie.
"I'm Zach. And be careful of Mr. Sorentino. I think he might be an alien." Zach whispered. Simon was tempted to laugh, but knew that Zach probably wasn't joking.
"I'm Rusty. I have a little brother too, but he's only in first grade. He's actually the same age as Lincoln's little sister, Lucy." Rusty said.
"It's-it's good to meet you guys." Simon said. They ate their lunches together and talked throughout the period until the bell rang and Lincoln and his friends went to recess and Simon went to get a little more rest for 45 minutes before heading to his next class.
Unfortunately, he was waylaid by Oz and his cronies on the way. The leader, Oz stepped in front of him.
"Hey, Simon. You give any more thought to my offer?" Oz asked. Simon sighed and shook his head.
"I don't need to give it more thought. The answer was no before and the answer is no now. What was the offer again?" Simon asked. Oz chuckled.
"You've got guts. Work for me. You're pretty tough and smarter than any of these guys." Oz said.
"You could have it made at this school, especially if you drop that loser freak." Oz said. Simon yawned widely.
"Look. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm not really in the mood for your bullshit right now. Oz is my friend and he's not a loser or a freak." Simon said.
"Let me go get some rest before my next class. You can bug me about this tomorrow if you have to." Simon said.
He walked past Oz and his lackeys and went to the nurse to rest for as long as he could, which by his clock was about 35 minutes. The nurse made sure it was a free period for him and he laid down and slept until the bell rang and he had to go to his next class. He called Sam again, prepared to leave a short message, but she actually picked up this time.
"Fine, Simon. You have two minutes. I'm not in the mood for you and I'm at lunch right now." Sam said.
"Alright… I'm sorry I ratted you out to Mom and Dad. I didn't mean to. Mom made me feel bad about keeping it a secret and she said she could help you, but she needed to know what was wrong. I just wanted to help you because I love you, Sammy and I want you to feel better and be the happy, nice, cool, amazing Sammy I've always known.
"I love you and you're still amazing and strong and cool, but I know you're not happy and I want to try to help you fix that. Please, let me in. Please, give me another chance to prove that I didn't tell them because I don't love you. I do and I want things to get better for you…"
"You mean you want things to get better for you, Simon. I'm sorry you're so upset, but you betrayed me.
"I asked you to do one thing. I asked you to keep my secret for me and you didn't. Mom's partly to blame too for manipulating you like that. I just thought maybe you were a bit stronger than that, to let yourself be manipulated by her. So whatever. I guess I was wrong. I gotta go. I need to eat lunch before the period ends. Bye." Sam said coolly. She hung up and Simon sighed, not really feeling like class right now, but knowing that he couldn't get out of it.
Or could he? He went to the library, checking in under the name Jacob Anderson and sat down in the back, hoping that he wouldn't be caught. He sighed and just read a book to pass the time. Another boy sat down at his table with him.
"Hey, I don't think I've seen you here before." The boy said. He was tan skinned and had jet black hair and a light accent.
"No. I'm usually not here this period." Simon said.
"What class is this for you?" The tan boy asked.
"Don't ask questions you don't need the answers to." Simon said, going back to his book, not really interested in talking. The rest of Science, he just spent on reading the book. It wasn't that interesting, but it kept him engaged and he finally put it down as the bell that ended class rang.
He went to art class next. This was what he was anticipating. He grabbed his canvas. The painting was close to done and this was easily his best work ever. He'd taken all week to do it and today, he was hoping to finish it. He slowly observed the painting, trying to decide where to start. He looked at it for over ten minutes before doing a few brush strokes and trying to do some shading. He was still a beginner in painting in his own mind. Drawing was his best type of art, although he was good at writing too.
He was really good with colored pencils. He had a deluxe colored pencil kit of 150 pencils of different colors. He had a paint set of 250 different acrylic paints at home. But he didn't use that one as much. He was still not as good at painting as he was at coloring, which he felt he had more control in when it came to the shading and drawing in general.
He focused as well as he could on the painting, setting everything up to show Sam in her best light, her long hair glowing, having been painted golden. He had brought his paint set from home, wanting everything to be perfect. When he was finished, he stood back and admired his work and then raised his hand. Ms. Sloane came over and gasped in delight at the painting she was seeing.
"Simon! This is beautiful! I knew you were quite the artist when I saw your initial drawing, but the way the colors leap off the canvas, the love and admiration I feel for your sister when I see this painting is just incredible!" She said.
"Thank you, Ma'am. I'm gonna let it dry overnight. Can I take it home tomorrow?" Simon asked. She thought for a moment and nodded.
"Of course. I hope you'll allow us to show this in the art show we have at the end of the year." She said. Simon sighed and smiled, trying to be agreeable, but not really wanting people to see it.
"I'll think about it." He said as the bell rang. She thanked him for considering and let him leave for the day. Tomorrow was Friday, so he would be able to have the weekend to himself and hopefully be able to reconcile with Sam.
He sighed and went home, walking slowly. He was eager to see Sam. But in another way, he just hoped that he didn't see her. He was scared to face her. He knew she hated him. It wasn't fair. He had just tried to help her. He could feel his resentment for her growing.
I told you she wouldn't forgive you. How could she? Came a cruel, mocking tone from behind him. He looked around and saw nothing. But he could hear it. His shadow.
"No. You're just a dream. You're not real!" Simon growled, sounding scared.
Is that so? Then how am I here, jackass? It asked coldly. Simon turned around and tried to ignore it. But it kept just talking in his ear, getting louder and louder. He was sure that Amanda would give some medical answer, like he was just upset and his fear was becoming this shadow. Simon knew it was real though. He would still talk to his mother. But he was sure she couldn't help him.
