'It is necessary to suffer after having suffered, and to love, and to love more after being loved'

GuimarĂ£es Rosa, writer

Pov. Annabeth

Blood ran down my arms and legs. Anyone who saw that scene would be horrified. This time the cuts were deeper, especially in the arms. I wanted to forget that pain, that emptiness that insisted on suffocating my chest, I wanted to forget everything even for a few minutes.

I was lying in the bathroom, with bloody scissors beside me. The pain in my chest, today, seemed more acute, stronger. Besides, those words still hurt me in a way that I never thought they would. I could feel pangs in my heart when I remembered that, even two weeks ago.

I could barely close my eyes, because green and cold orbits penetrated my dreams and repeated those same words. Each day in a more cutting and cold way. Since that day I haven't been able to get a night's sleep. If before I was afraid to sleep and dream of my mother despising me, now that fear has joined the memory of a certain brunette speaking all the truths about me, even without even knowing me. And it seemed to hurt more than burning stabs.

Every comma, every pause, every letter that he spoke in a tone of contempt and hatred was the purest truth. It was my life, my desires and my fears. It was my life that I really started to despise everyone after my father forgot me. It was my wish that I wanted to be loved, as a daughter, as a friend, as a person. And the worst, my fears, the fear of being forgotten, of never having anyone by my side. Knowing that I had no one made me hate. I knew I shouldn't vent my anger and my problems on others, but it seemed almost impossible for me to take it inside of me. I knew that what I wanted most was to be noticed.

But since that day I felt empty, without a floor. My friends noticed my change, or rather two of them. Raquel and Bianca. I clearly knew that they didn't like me, especially Raquel after what I did to her. But they were the only ones who at least appeared to be concerned about me.

I remember everything that happened after that, like seconds ago.

After he spoke those words to me, I was dragged away by my 'friends'. The rest of the class passed like a blur, because as much as I didn't want to think about what he said, that scene insisted on appearing in my mind. It was excruciating.

Katie and Bianca kept saying that I should take revenge, I couldn't leave it cheap, because otherwise my popularity would fall and such. I knew perfectly well that they were more concerned with themselves than with me, because they were only my shadow, if I fell they would also fall.

Raquel, on the other hand, kept looking at me sideways. She was once the only true friend I ever had, but today I doubted she was. Not after what I did to her. Sometimes just thinking about it, I remember the heartless, cold, calculating person I became. She just walked with me, because she had no option. At least I thought so.

- Girls, girls - Bianca started screaming out of nowhere.

- Calm down Bia, no one is deaf here - I said making him flush with embarrassment.

- It was bad Annie, but is that my brother arriving today and guess? You guys are going with me to the airport.

- I'm not going - I said, I was already full of all that, what I wanted most was to get home and have a good pint of vodka and forget about that day.

- Oh, it doesn't even come Annie - Rachel said - you were dying to be with Bianca's brother.

- Hey, I'm still here you know - Bianca spoke angrily.

I remember Nico very well, if he was beautiful then, can you imagine now? I knew he had a crush on me, but I didn't like him that way. I wonder if he finds out that I only stayed with him because of a bet.

- Annie, Annie, Annie - I heard someone calling. Bianca was in front of me and waved her arms frantically. It was even a comical scene, as I remembered Alvin's skeletons and squirrels.

- Huh? What? ... - I said trying to sort my thoughts.

- Our Annie, we have been calling you for about ten minutes, but you have that Japanese face looking at rice - Raquel said.

- There, there, it is really funny.

- But seriously, Annie you are going with us for ...

- Enough Raquel - I said almost screaming - I already said I won't and I'm already going home. See you later - I added rudely.

I walked quickly towards the school parking lot without noticing several discreet looks on me.

"That's what I needed most," I huffed as I realized that what happened earlier would not be forgotten so easily.

After that I got in the car and barely got home and locked myself in the room, that is, I have been here since yesterday. I think Aunt M realized that I was not well and didn't even call me today. Unfortunately I had forgotten that I did not keep liquor at home and that it was distressing me. Until I looked towards the nightstand and saw my salvation. I didn't want to do that, but at the moment it was the only solution. I took the scissors and locked myself in the bathroom, that is, I have been cutting myself completely for almost a day.

I took the scissors beside me and stared at the red-tinged blade. It seemed so easy. It would be like an escape door. I just had to do the right thing and all my suffering would be over. There would never be pain ... suffering ... never again.

I put the blade on my wrist. At the exact point where I could end this suffering. I was ready and barely started to press the scissors on my skin when I jumped with a start.

- Come on girl, get out of that room! - shouted Aunt M punching the door.

I didn't want to leave. I felt like crap for doing this to myself, but it was the only thing I had left. I waited for a while until she gave up calling me.

I got up with difficulty and turned on the shower. The water made the cuts that were still bleeding hurt more, but at least it was a more bearable pain than the wound on my chest.

If only I could stop this wound in my chest. If only I didn't walk alone. If only I had someone to help me now. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. Even those cuts were not able to make me forget the pain of having no one, of being rejected, of not having ... a family.

I don't know how long I stayed there, I just know that now I no longer cried and where I had made the cuts I only felt a little burning, but that was not what destroyed me, but the huge hole that was in my chest. If I didn't exist it would be better, I wouldn't even suffer.

I left the bathroom and saw that I had to clean there. I could see some bloodstains on the floor. I couldn't let anyone see that. But then I would do that. I walked quickly until the wardrobe ignored the pain that passed through my body and the blood that came back from the open wounds.

I wore a very thick blue jacket and black pants. I could feel the clothes sticking to the wounds, but then I wouldn't mind. Not after what I'm going to do. I left the room and went downstairs in silence trying not to attract the attention of the employees, but it all went downhill when I heard someone calling me.

"Where do you think Annabeth is going," Aunt M said walking towards me.

- I already said that you do not take care of my life and I go where I want - I already said with hatred of that intrusion.

- Look girl, I worry about you, your father ... - she started to speak, but I interrupted her.

- Don't talk about him - I shouted - he isn't even a real father, if he went he would see how I am, he would see my situation. That man is not my father, my father died - I completed the tears streaming down my face.

- Don't talk like that girl, many wanted to have the life you have ...

- Life? What kind of life is this that I have no one? I have no mother, father, or friends. I have nothing, nothing.

I felt weak and even vulnerable at the time. Since it started, I closed myself off, to the world and to everyone. I tried to be strong, to overcome everything on my own, but since that bastard said that I felt as if the wall I built around me was falling apart. My heart could not take so much suffering anymore, I felt every bit of it falling and breaking more and more into smaller pieces. I doubted that one day the pieces of my heart could be put together again.

Aunt M looked at me apprehensively, because it was the second time she saw me cry, but only now I could see the devastation that was inside me by my look.

- Oh dear, don't cry - she said, approaching me with open arms.

- No - I shouted away - I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, I will ... I ... I will solve my life once and for all.

With that I turned and ran towards the door, not without first hearing her screaming and suffering madness, and calling my father. As if he would care about me. I felt the cuts opening, it would certainly take a long time to heal.

Go out into the cold New York night. That time, that is, the beginning of winter always worsened my mood. I walked for a while until I could see some homeless people warming up near fires made with garbage cans. I looked at that and remembered Aunt M's words a few minutes ago. Many wanted to have my life. For what? Just to have money and a house? There, when I saw those people warming up together, I felt an enormous desire to be among them. They might not even have a roof, clothes or anything, but it was more than clear that they were together. United as a family. A family I always wanted to have.

I just wanted to know why this is all. Was I just born to suffer? I would rather be dead than feel this pain every day. It was like that every day, I masked myself as a cold person so that no one could notice my weakness, my pain. I received and gave fake smiles to seem content with a life of sadness. I longed for a real hug, from someone who loved me, from a friend who understood me, but I just got contemptuous looks from those around me. I knew that my desires only existed in fairy tales. I knew that until my last breath I would live unhappy.

But as if to contradict everything I thought, I noticed a man who looked to be about eighty years old. You could tell by his clothes that he was a homeless person. He was not with the others warming up to ward off the cold, but he seemed to dance in an awkward step across the square with a beautiful white flower in his hands. He didn't seem to mind the icy wind that punished New York, he didn't even care about the people looking at him and giving him strange looks. No, in the distance I could see his cheerful countenance and a smile, even though with the lack of a few teeth he conveyed joy.

Seeing that scene I couldn't help but smile. His happiness seemed so natural and spontaneous even. But almost immediately, my smile turned to tears. If I could be in his shoes, if only for a second. I closed my eyes trying to keep the tears from falling, but it was impossible. I ran out of there, some people looked at me with pity trying to understand why a blonde girl ran and cried like a baby.

When I realized I was already in Central Park, at that time there were few people there. I walked heavily to a bench a little away and sat down. I crouched down on my knees and sobbed a little loudly. I didn't care if someone heard my cry. What I wanted most was to be able to talk to someone. I have no idea how long I stayed there crying, but I only realized it was quite late when I started to hear a slightly more husky voice singing a song that I recognized as Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

- I walk a lonely road

The only one that i have ever known

Don't know where it goes

Bu it's home to me and I walk alone

From a distance I saw the gentleman who danced happily in the square came dancing happily the same way as some time ago. He danced and jumped with the white flower in his hand.

- I walk this empty street

One the boulevard of broken dreams

Where the city sleeos

And I'm the only one and I walk alone

He saw me and smiled that I couldn't help but return. The joy he had was contagious and I was happy to have a few minutes without thinking about my life. As he sang, he bounced over to me and sat next to me on the bench. If it were some time ago I would treat you badly and make a scene. I was never a fan of people like that and as far as I remember the only one I treated well, that is, preventing Luke from breaking his face was a boy here in Central Park a few months ago.

You looked at me and gave me a real smile. I still wondered how someone could be so happy, especially the way he lived. I heard her sing a little lower, almost like a whisper. As if I wanted only me to hear.

- I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk ...

After that he was silent looking at the void. One more, I thought. Another one who without even knowing me spoke, or rather, sang about my life. I walk alone, I always have and I always will. That's what I was born for, to never have anyone. That boy was sure that I would die without anyone on my side.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I was startled when that man handed me the flower. He looked at me smiling as if he knew some surprising news about me. I looked at it reluctantly until I took courage and took the flower from his dirty, heat-filled hands and looked again. He stood up and made a funny bow and looked at me seriously.

- Remember that small, if the happy ending has not arrived and why it is not yet the end.

As soon as he finished speaking, he walked towards a group of young people singing some song by Cristina Aguilera that I didn't recognize. I turned my attention to the flower in my hand and saw that it was a lily. Perhaps one of the most beautiful I have ever seen, he seemed to emanate the same joy as that old man. When I looked up again looking for him I didn't find him.

I was still sitting around trying to decide what to do. Those few words had made me stop to think about what I was going to do. Depending, everything could change and I wouldn't remember what I went through anymore.

I got up decidedly and walked towards the main avenue. I crossed it and walked for a few blocks looking for where there was no one. It must have been twenty minutes since I was walking when I came to a street that seemed deserted. I took a deep breath, now I just had to wait for a car to pass ...

- Time! Let's see if you are not the princess of the school - a voice spoke behind me.

I turned sharply in time to see Ethan Nakamura with red eyes looking at me with a malicious smile.

"The cat ate your tongue, Annabeth," he said, laughing and taking a step toward me, which made me retreat instinctively.

- What do you want Ethan? Why don't you play with your friends' other junkies? - I spoke as firmly as possible. I knew Ethan's reputation and from what I heard if only half of the things that spoke of him were true, it was enough to scare him just by saying his name.

He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and approached quickly holding my wrists tightly. I didn't even have a chance to run. For someone who had just taken drugs he had very quick reflexes.

- I'm not kidding Chase - he spoke between his teeth, but then he looked at my body with desire - you look very hot Chase, what does Luke do with you? Does he get the job done - he said running his hands over my breasts.

"Let me go, Ethan, let me go," I shouted in the hope that someone could hear me. He didn't seem to mind, as he laughed and spoke.

- There will be no use shouting princess, nobody will hear you, today you ... AI! - he shouted when I kicked him between the legs, disentangling him.

"You son of a bitch," he shouted, foaming with rage, "you're going to pay dearly for that, Chase."

I was so scared that I crashed on the spot and only started running when he got up and limped towards me. With that I woke up and started running. I wandered through the streets looking for help, but that part of the city looked more like a ghost town, there was no one to be seen.

After a while I was tired and stopped trying to catch my breath. I didn't want to kill myself anymore, not after that, because I was already dead, since I never heard of a victim of Ethan who had left whole after arguing with him. I felt a chill run down my spine and when I looked back I almost died of fright right there.

Ethan was just over ten steps away from me, I was back on the main avenue again and the traffic was calm. I ran across the avenue, ignoring the insults coming from the drivers who brake sharply. I was already around the corner of the next street practically running in the middle of it and I had not realized the idiocy I was doing. I only realized it the moment I jumped in front of a car that was coming in the opposite direction. With that I expected the worst, I closed my eyes waiting for the impact, but I heard a sudden stop is something practically touching my belly.

I was shaking. It was also no wonder, I almost happened to do what I thought was the right thing a few minutes ago. Kill me by jumping in front of a car.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw a silver car standing a few steps away from me. That car looked familiar from somewhere, but my head wasn't ready to process from where. I was in shock. I had almost died.

The driver got out of there and I almost startled myself again when I recognized the person. Thalia, the girl I had humiliated got out of the car and by her face I would surely die now.

- What the ... arg ..- she said holding her hair, I think not to curse - who was the bastard who ... - she said looking around looking for someone until her gaze fell on me.

I knew how to make a deadly look that could shut anyone down, but with the look she gave me I could already feel my soul burning in Tartarus. He looked me up and down as if appraising me.

"Chase," she said coolly, which made me just swallow.

I didn't even have time to say anything. Ethan came around the corner and stopped when he saw me with Thalia, but I think he didn't recognize her because he stopped hesitating. I felt all my blood drain. When he took the first step I ran and hid behind Thalia.

"Get me out of here, please," I said in a small voice.

She looked at me for a second and then looked at Ethan who had stopped again and was looking for something in his jacket pocket. She said nothing, just dragged me quickly to the car where I got in without hesitation. No sooner did Thalia start the car when we heard a burst of gunfire and the car's rear window shattered.

- Damn, you and your little friends Chase - Thalia said tearing off.

- E-he-n-not is... is ... is ... my friend - I said, curling up on the bench.

Thalia looked at me for a skeptical moment, but stopped and looked at my arm. I followed his gaze and automatically went without reaction. In the midst of all that confusion, I hadn't noticed the sleeve of my shirt going up. On my arm I could see the deep cuts that I had made earlier. If it were just one I could make up any excuse, but there were so many that it was impossible to deny that it was not on purpose.

Thalia looked back at the road and I lowered my jacket sleeve. After that she said nothing more. She seemed lost in thought and I was no different. I was sure she would use this against me. After all, I humiliated her in front of the whole school and it is only fair if she exposes my problem. Damn time I was born, damn time I met Ethan's bastard, if it wasn't for that I wouldn't even be here.

The little minutes there seemed to have become centuries. That sepulchral silence was already getting on my nerves when she stopped in front of a house. Not a house, practically a palace. I could see that the architecture there was mixed between Greek and modern in features that I had seen somewhere. One of the few passions that I still admired and preserved was architecture. I was still staring at the place when I remembered where I had seen something like that.

- Hades? - I asked her when we entered the house towards the garage.

- IS! Hades - she said laughing at my landscape face - he was the guy who designed the house.

Hades from what I read was one of the most sought after architects in the world, if he was not already the most sought after. I had seen some of his works in magazines and on the internet, and it was not for nothing that he became famous. He was simply good at what he did. Incredibly good.

- But what am I doing here? Who lives here? I need ...

- Quiet blonde - she said laughing, but then she was serious - you ask too many questions, if you think too much, get in too much trouble and I'm not in the mood to hear you speak, because my head is already hurting with everything that happened - she completed by totally changing her mood. She was certainly bipolar, I thought.

- And I'm not bipolar. - she spoke and smiled when she saw my face of astonishment, after all it was no wonder, besides being bipolar she read minds - and I will answer your questions. First I live here with my parents and my brother, and second you are here because you owe me satisfaction to suffer what happened there and about that - he said pointing to my arm.

- Look ...

- No! No looking, but how, why, that is, whatever. I still hate you for doing that to me, but you owe me an explanation and I will want it and it will be now.

With that she took my arm and we got out of the car. I didn't even have time to admire the architecture of the mansion, as soon as she opened the door and pulled me out towards the stairs. Certainly tonight will be long, indeed very long.