Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.
Full Synopsis:
"What am I to you?" were words that still bothered Mikasa Ackerman till this day.
After witnessing her Captain's little gesture to her Commander, Hanji Zoe, Mikasa found herself recalling a few moments between the two she had once seen, and envied. Bonds… they were utterly confusing, but beautiful too.
Before Mikasa knew it, she found herself unintentionally interrogating Hanji with a simple yet torturous question: What is he to you?
The desire to understand was certainly frightening.
IMPORTANT Note: This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.
Don't get her wrong, Mikasa had an undeniable natural meticulousness that took the spotlight whenever it came to slicing the nape of an abnormal's neck cleanly, successfully. It didn't matter if her target was moving like a goddamn drunkard that had the stamina and speed close to humanity's strongest. Her strength, aim and precision never wavered nor cowered. Her movements were fluid, rapid. Her victims barely ever escaped unscathed.
And when it came to kitchen duty, the way she'd slice vegetables and meat—if it was a special occasion—had the same amount of meticulousness and precision. Sasha said so, and that much was a huge compliment.
But, when it came to what she was doing now, she faltered and hesitated in fear of any accidents that'd lead her to break things apart instead of taking them apart as she was instructed to do. There was a difference between breaking and taking things apart, and while Mikasa could differentiate that in her thoughts, her actions screamed otherwise.
So what made her personally volunteer herself to be Hanji's lab assistant this late in the tiresome night, when she knew piecing mechanical things together and proving scientific hypothesis to be true or false wasn't her strongest suit?
Simple.
When Hanji had asked Levi's current squad for a volunteer to assist her in her late-night lab activities, she noticed quite many pairs of eyes finding their way to Armin. The obvious choice. For he had a curious heart and intelligence that rivaled everyone's in the room combined. He was the perfect fit for the role Hanji was requesting.
However, he had a look that told Mikasa the discomfort he felt, paired along with the uncertainty of being the chosen one in this circumstance— and that raised an immense amount of concern in Mikasa's heart.
Because even though he had said nothing, even though he didn't verbally object, she already knew. She already knew the reason why he didn't immediately step forward, arm raised enthusiastically as he volunteered himself. And it wasn't because Hanji Zoe was famous for her madness when it came to experiments.
That day, when he finally came to on the wall, when he was informed of the price the Survey Corps—no, the world had to pay for giving him a second chance of life, he felt sick to the core. Nauseated. Anxiousness overwhelmed him when he had found out that in order to have him live again, they had forgone Erwin's life. The commander; now, the previous and late commander. At that time, he had thought that now he had to replaced him—a man that he believed he could never be on an equal level with. A man that he believed—and maybe still believed—should've lived instead of him.
While almost everyone offered him comforting and assuring looks, Hanji had agreed.
She had agreed that no one could replace Erwin, and that she didn't necessarily agree with the choice. And Mikasa nor anyone could say anything, really. To each their own, after all.
In a way, it was the brutally honest truth. No one could replace Erwin. Something Hanji still believed because despite having the title of a Commander passed down to her, something felt missing and incomplete. Like the last and crucial piece of the puzzle, lost forever.
For Armin, to be alone with someone who had openly admitted that she believed that Levi's choice on the next chosen shifter wasn't necessarily right would be excruciatingly awkward (they hadn't exactly cleared the air, and Armin always felt this tension between them, coupled along with this heavy expectation that made it all too hard to breath sometimes. But it wasn't her expectation alone that made him feel that way).
Not to mention, he had been extremely weary and mentally drained not just from regular training but from other experiments he was obligated to take part in as the wielder of the Colossal Titan's power. He was restless for most nights; something he only confided in with Mikasa when she confronted him about it before.
However, he was a mature man who knew that no wasn't the time to whine and complain and avoid situations that required his skills. He had a responsibility. Besides, it was too late to regret and mourn the past. He couldn't turn back time. Right now, they had to charge straight ahead.
He took a deep breath, about to step forward when Mikasa suddenly intervened.
"I will do it." She said, calmly. Armin looked at her wide-eyed, and it didn't take a genius to know she only volunteered for the sake of him. Her protective nature seemed to have gotten the best of her. He parted his lips, about to interject. While he was thankful for Mikasa's display of care for him, he knew he couldn't run away from his problems forever. That wasn't what he was in the Survey Corps for. But Hanji, who was surprised at the woman who stepped forward but still welcomed her either way, had already appointed her the position of her temporary assistant.
Mikasa knew the basics, she knew how to work with the gear. She knew how to make full use of it. Rarely would she ever find herself encountering an issue with the 3-Dimensional maneuverer gear in the battlefield unless she lost her cool; but even then, that only happened once or twice, as far as she could recall.
She knew how to refill the air-tanks, fix the minor parts of the gear should it ever get jammed or broken; after all this was all covered during her first few lessons upon her enrolment in the military.
To help re-design the entire 3-D maneuver gear and equipment however, was not something she had learnt nor was she familiar with. She was just thankful that somehow, she hadn't broken nor made any mistakes.
"Do you think," Hanji said as she scooted over to Mikasa, laying out a sketch of the concept she had crafted in her imagination and now in ink regarding the new design. "If we shift the air tanks here-" She gestured to a specific spot of the image, "-it'll grant us greater agility and allow us to propel ourselves better?"
Mikasa tore her eyes away from the old 3-D maneuver gear that Hanji had tasked her to dissemble, fixating itself on the drawing Hanji had just sketched. She was impressed by the detail of her drawing, and while she could barely make out her handwriting she could more or less understand her idea.
"I think," Mikasa tried picturing herself in the new gear Hanji conceptualized. Would she be able to soar high up, freely and easily? Or will she crash and burn? "It is a viable option… but the air tanks might need more power… and we have to see if others are able to adjust."
"You're right." Hanji nodded, but the way she answered was rather matter-of-factly, as if she already knew the answer. And Mikasa felt a little bad, because the look in Hanji's eye after she gave her opinion appeared ravenous, as if she wanted more answers; or at least an answer that she didn't already know at the back of her head. She didn't just want her opinion, but a suggestion. Something that Mikasa couldn't give, at least not in the spur of the moment.
She shouldn't have let her protectiveness stop Armin. But after everything that happened… Eren's abandonment… the disasters yet to come, she couldn't help it, especially when she saw the blonde looking so unsure. She felt a need to save him, to help him. It was only now did she realize she wasn't exactly helping him, or anyone at all. This wasn't her strong suit. This wasn't her place to shine. But it was too late, literally. Everyone was probably asleep, resting for tomorrow where they'd embark on another series of vigorous training that Levi had put them on; one that she was excused from fully partaking albeit it only applied for the morning session.
At the very least, Mikasa hoped Armin could at least get a good night's rest that night. From what he had shared with her, he hadn't gotten one at all with all the titan experiments he had to undergo. She made a mental note to check on him later after this was done.
"Are you feeling better anyway, Mikasa?" Hanji queried, "While your eyebags have yet to clear, I heard from Levi that you're doing quite well in the intense training he has made you undergo, that your performance is steady and well." Mikasa casted a brief glance towards her, to see that her Commander sat beside her before sketching a new draft.
"Yeah." The memory of Hanji gripping her hand forcefully before she could've ingested those pills was ingrained and etched forever in her mind. Even having lost of one her eyes and a part of her vision, it didn't lessen the effect the fierceness and ferociousness that her remaining eye had on her, that look practically was burning a hole in her skin.
"Are you tired, Mikasa?" She had asked back then. And yes, she was. Why else would she attempt to seek solace from those pills that could've provided her only with a temporary relief and paradise…? Temporary. She just wanted to sleep. She wanted her insomnia to dissolve so her eyelids could finally shut for at least four hours without having bloody, ugly nightmares that'd scare her back awake.
After that incident, Mikasa sought other, less risky means to regain some control in her life during these uncertain periods, painful periods as the man she once treasured so closely… the man she just wanted to be by his side, now seemed to have his head and ideals and dreams corrupted while he still… still charged ahead without a second thought, towards the freedom he wanted and desired.
She did regret the vulnerability she showed, that had slipped during that incident with Hanji. She was a private person after all, whose heart and internal emotional affairs ever exposed and unveiled themselves to people she extremely trusted. Hanji—a mere stranger, acquaintance and fellow comrade who she would trust in battle, wasn't someone she trusted to see the weak side of hers. It was a weak side that she just wanted to diminish, ignore and erase its existence.
But what happened, happened. She couldn't change that. Things were fortunately not awkward between them, they acted as per normal… although, every now and then she would catch her glimpsing at her, one of concern and curiosity; to see if she was doing well.
"Sorry," She apologized once again, even though it was clear both of them had moved past that incident that was kept secret between the two. "I didn't mean to create more trouble for you, that time—"
Light footsteps echoing down the staircase caught Mikasa's attention as she halted mid-way in her words. Who could it be, this late?
Hanji seemed to wonder the same thing, having looked up from her drawing, wearing a wondering look that soon dissolved into something… happy, and cheerful. Excited even.
Mikasa didn't understand why. Was she psychic, or something? Did she know the owner of those light footsteps that headed their way? Or why the strong scent of something resembling tea (and something of her past; though Mikasa didn't dwell on it too much) now diffused itself into the lab? Mikasa, even with her ability to pick up the littlest and smallest of detail, could barely make out the shadow since the figure was still a few steps far. And yet Hanji was there, next to her, wearing a knowing look, glimmering with a sudden burst of energy which was a contrast to her earlier solemn mood. But why?
A few seconds passed, and Mikasa finally understood why when the shadow took its shape, as the man took a step into her lab carrying a single cup of what she guessed was hot cup of tea meant for Hanji.
Levi. It was Levi, who made his way towards Hanji, without batting an eye to Mikasa or even acknowledging her presence. (She wasn't offended by it, she didn't care what that shortass thought of her really.)
"Oi, shitty glasses." Mikasa always wondered why Hanji settled for that nickname, but perhaps there was just a tinge of intimacy in his tone that she would never be able to identify because the relationship she had with her Captain could never be as deep or meaningful as the bond he shared with Hanji. "Here." He said a little curtly, before placing the cup of tea down next to Hanji.
Hanji gleamed and her expression noticeably brightened before a smug look came into place. "Soft-tie." She dragged out the two syllabuses, her tone was teasing. "You didn't have to." She was grateful for this kind gesture of Levi's and anyone could tell that. Yet his next remark was equally as 'sweet' as the nickname he gifted her. "Shut up." He didn't smile, nor did he show any flustered expressions that one would normally have upon being teased. If anything, his stoic and grumpy expression was unwavering… almost unwavering.
Hanji's eyes shifted to the cup, lifting it up carefully before taking a sip of the tea he brewed. Levi's eyes softened, and Mikasa suddenly felt like she was intruding on something private and personal.
She knew for a fact the way he showed his care and concern for someone was different from most. He was subtle, but it didn't mean the meaning behind his subtle actions and gifts were anything trivial. Hanji seemed to know this. Why else was she so ecstatic upon receiving a simple cup of tea? It wasn't like she was an avid tea fan, right?
Although admittedly, seeing her captain's eyes soften, his lips almost cracking into a smile was strange to her. She had grown too accustomed to his usual monotonous and stoic look; and it wasn't as if this private man would ever be vulnerable around her. She had only ever seen him visibly soften up once or twice… though, for one reason or another the softness he had now differed from those before.
The next thing she knew was that he caught her stare, and returned it with a glare after a fleeting shocked look passed, one that told Mikasa he was caught off guard by her 'intrusion' (even if she had been there the whole time). Either way, it seemed like he finally noticed her presence.
"Tch." He clicked his tongue, and while Mikasa did enjoy seeing the shortass agitated from time-to-time, she did feel a little bad this time round.
With the uncertain future ahead, there was only so much time one could spend with another. Keeping that in mind, as well as her having unintentionally intruded and interrupted a precious moment her two superiors briefly shared; she could understand his agitation.
She expected for him to turn and leave immediately because it wasn't as if he could continue this precious moment with Hanji; not when she was around. Mikasa wouldn't mind leaving, but she still had a job to complete.
Instead, his glared diminished and returned to a stare that he shot Mikasa, his eyes narrowing. Why is he looking at me like that? Mikasa frowned, though before she could even ask him about it, he already left.
Weird. She thought, But to be fair, I was looking at them too…
Was it envy she felt when she looked at them?
For better or worse, Mikasa had always been observant. While Armin shared the same trait, it differed to some extent. She tended to notice the little things between people. The bonds they shared. And ever since that man left and was at the peak of his damned, cursed recklessness, she found herself noticing a little too much; whether it be intentional or not. The bonds others shared. How Connie wasn't always all goofy, there were small but meaningful gestures he made to Sasha and Jean during this stressful period of time. How Jean and Armin had recently exchanged more looks of comfort and assurance. How…
Did she start observing them more because she lost hers? Yes, she had other strong bonds with other treasured people. But they were all different and unique. It could never replace what he gave her.
Was that why she couldn't look away?
What am I to you?— Even after all everything they had been through, she couldn't answer a simple question like that when he asked. Damn it all.
She watched Hanji wave a goodbye to Levi's abrupt exit, her smile remaining before she placed the cup back down, looking at it tenderly as if she was reflecting back on something.
Mikasa wasn't blind to their interaction, to their bond. That day when she entered Hanji's office and was met with an instant despondent look, she knew exactly why.
Because she was not the Ackerman she wanted to see.
What a unique, close bond they share... Mikasa couldn't help but think. Even back then… seems like that shortass…
"HARH?! What do ya mean we can't capture another titan for experimenting?!" Hanji exclaimed incredulously. Despite having Eren, a titan shifter in flesh and blood at her disposition, she was still ravenous for more. For more titans to conduct experiments, to compare the normal, abnormal and shifter types all at one go. Or maybe, it was just to fill the hole punctured in her heart ever since Sawney's and Bean's passing.
At that time, Mikasa was at the horse stable cleaning; it had been her shift. And while she lived on the countryside and had led somewhat of a farm life when her parents were still alive, she never once dealt with horses. Not until she enlisted herself in the military.
Being the only one on shift that day, she expected for the day to go by quietly and peacefully as she brushed the horses' mane, clean their bodies before sweeping their waste away. Oh, how wrong she was. How Hanji and Levi ended up precisely in this location, bickering and bickering was beyond Mikasa's comprehension.
She tried to ignore them, but to no avail. Hanji's vehement and loud protests bothered even the horses who huffed and neighed as if they were beckoning for her to shut up. It was an amusing sight for Mikasa to say the least. She couldn't blame the poor animals though, not when they just came back from tiring missions or an exhaustive expedition not too long ago. Even animals needed peace and quiet.
"Come on, Levi! Pleasseee! Help me convince Erwin?" Mikasa watched her purposefully give the captain a puppy-eyed pleading look, her palms pressing against one another, desperately begging him. "It will mean the world to me!" She said this as if it'd push Levi into accepting.
"The world will be doomed to shit if you bring even more titans into the corps." He snapped at her, "You already have that brat and all your shitty analysis of Sneeze and Pissin'."
"SAWNEY. SAW-NEY. AND BEAN. B-E-A-N! How can you not remember them?" She corrected dramatically, disappointment evident in her tone.
The horses look even more annoyed… Mikasa noted, brushing the dark mane of one of them in a soothing manner. She would've interrupted them, but she decided to hold onto her patience (for now) since they didn't seem like they were going to stay around the stables for too long.
"Stop yelling." Levi groaned, and for once Mikasa agreed with the shortass. "You're bothering the horses."
"Then why did you bring me here in the first place to discuss this?" She countered.
"I didn't. I told you 'no' a shit ton of times and your constipated brain couldn't take that as an answer so you followed me here." Why didn't he stop her from following then? Mikasa pondered. Despite Hanji's eccentric attitude, she was sure she knew when enough was enough, right? And knowing how stern Levi can be, he had his limits too, right?
"Leevviii… pleasseee?" She droned, exaggerating each and every syllable in her plead; along with her chestnut-colored eyes that looked right at him, perhaps a little mischievously, to draw out… guilt?
To her dismay, Levi remained firm.
Though, Mikasa noticed that for a fleeting moment, he had flinched when Hanji had shot him that look. And perhaps that would have been the catalyst for Levi to give in had he not have humanity's interest in mind.
"We already have another titan, that brat aside." Levi scoffed.
"Huh? What do you-…wait… OH MY GOODNESS LEVI!" She gasped, eyes brimming with elatedness as she spun around, looking for the other titan he had mentioned. She assumed was a gift from Levi after all that pestering begging.
Mikasa was sure that if the horses weren't in their respective stables, at least half of them would've kicked Hanji given the noise she was making. Not to mention, Mikasa could've sworn the horse she was currently glooming was glaring at them. "DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT AHEAD AN—"
What cut her off was a strong—but careful—pull of her hair, with Levi turning her attention back to him. "I'm looking at one abnormal, right now."
Mikasa's eyes narrowed, unsure if that was her Captain's (lame) attempt at humor. She couldn't tell from that stone-faced expression, at most she could pick up some amusement in his tone, along with some shifts in his facial features to express an emotion she couldn't decipher; not that she bothered.
However, when she noticed Hanji's cheeks reddening slightly, she suddenly felt that she was the intruder… to this moment they shared. Whether that redness was due to embarrassment or something else, Mikasa didn't know. Not now, and maybe not ever.
Although before she could look away to spare them a moment of privacy, she watched as Levi's hand abruptly departed from her hair, accompanied by an evident look of revolt.
"When… was the last time you washed that greasy, shitty hair?" He hissed, lowly.
"Ahh… about that—"
And then Hanji ran off, squealing something about spreading absurd rumors about him if he planned on making her take a bath again. Levi chased after her, stubborn in his pursuit, refusing to relent despite that threat.
What an… odd bond. Mikasa couldn't help but think, before she carried on with her chores upon seeing that the horses were now more at ease.
In the present, Mikasa found herself sighing at that memory. What a bizarre experience… She thought.
Although, despite that disgusted and angered look he had… She reflected, There wasn't a single thread of resentment.
Then, she thought back to Eren.
A frown started to surface.
Author's Note:
This had been in my drafts for the longest of times because I didn't know how to end it. While I wouldn't say I am satisfied with the end, it's... somewhat there. I really like to explore Mikasa and Hanji together, and the (platonic) relationship they could have had with one another since they are two of my favorite characters in SnK. While I will admit that in this and maybe the other fanfic may not have solely delved deeply into their relationship and friendship, I like to take things slow for this, you could say? Subtle actions and all. I mean, this was an unplanned series after all and I'll only ever write this if I hit a writer's block for my other ongoing fanfics haha. It might be easier to read this on AO3 since they have a compilation function where I can categorize something as a series though (I'm not sure if ff net has one; do let me know if they do).
That aside, there will be 3 chapters in total. I will upload them as soon as i can, at least once a week since all that's left is to edit it a bit.
Thank you for reading this, and Please leave a Review! Constructive criticism is welcomed.
