Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.

IMPORTANT Note: This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.


Who would have known that out of all places in the Survey Corps, Mikasa would've witnessed a couple of sweet moments between her superiors from the kitchen?

Mikasa's specialty was slicing meat, there was no doubt about that. Though, she could chop vegetables quite well too.

That day, she was on dinner duty. Carrots, cucumbers and radishes—all chopped evenly, accurately. They were all identical in shape. You wouldn't be able to tell one from the other.

Not too long after, with a ladle in hand, she was about to move on to prepare the soup, until her pair of onyx eyes took a glimpse towards the area where the weary soldiers were to soon dine, with her mind proceeding to wonder if anyone had already gathered as the clock's hands inched closer to dinner time. There were a few superiors standing here and there, and there was one in particular she knew, sitting alone, his hand gripping the cup of what she assumed was tea in his signature peculiar way, drinking it down slowly.

He always sits away from the crowd… until…

Mikasa shook her head, it wasn't the best time to ponder too much on that shortass and his quiet social life. That was the least of her concerns. Besides, she had more urgent matters to deal with. In a couple of minutes or so, a herd of starved and maybe even crazed cadets would swarm in ravenously for their meals, with high hopes of being served top-notch quality meat since they believed they deserved it after all the blood, sweat and tears they put in their trainings and expeditions.

Unfortunately, those high hopes were to be crushed. Again. When will they ever learn?

Well whatever the case, Mikasa had a soup to finish.

Although, before she could turn away, a loud and overly enthusiastic "YA-HO!" reverberated around the dining area. If it weren't for the fact that this was a regular occurrence, perhaps Mikasa would've mistaken that for the loud yelps of that soldier, who would often be the first one to stampede into the room, tray and everything ready along with her high hopes to be crushed by Mikasa's sliced vegetables and soup. 'Mikasaaaa! I know you have meat, you're just hiding it!'—She could already hear her roommate's accusatory whines. And as usual, she had already prepped a retort to go along with her dishes.

While that "YA-HO" was abrupt and frighteningly loud to startle the other soldier who was on duty with her, the man who sat alone didn't even flinch. It was clear he had long been adapted to her oddities.

The next thing she knew, he was no longer alone.

It was none other than her other superior, Hanji Zoe, who popped by Levi's side with that same bright and mischievous grin. And without a greeting or warning, she sat herself comfortably next to him, starting to blabber something about her experiments, titans and then… mint…?

And other bunch of things that even her sharp ears couldn't decipher. It was like she had invented a whole new language that only a few could understand. A few like him.

Levi's previous solemn expression soon morphed into a momentary irritation, before settling down into something… Mikasa couldn't find a perfect word for it, though she did more or less recognize that look. It was a look that spoke, 'Ah, I'm not alone now.'

She knew that warm feeling all too well… and she knew it just as well as the bitter, cold feeling of complete loneliness. It was awful. It was like a sickness that no medicine could cure, it was one that only a companion could.

"I wonder why he lets her do that." Mikasa snapped out from her thoughts when she heard the other soldier on duty with her speak. "I heard that Captain Levi is scary and takes no shits… yet, he lets her do that, for the most part at least." He scoffed. "Maybe she has a higher rank than him and that's why…"

No. Mikasa thought, her grip on the ladle tightening. It's… not that.

It's more than that.

But alas, Mikasa didn't have time to ponder. She had to finish making the soup.


"Ahhhhh! Are you sure there's NO meat on the damned menu today?!" To Mikasa's amazing luck, her and her roommate were both on duty that day. It wasn't that Mikasa minded her presence at all, but her groans and complains on the other hand could be a little too much… especially when she had been answering that same question for the past eleven times as her roommate scrambled around the kitchen, desperately searching for her salvation.

"No, Sasha." Mikasa shook her head, tying an apron around herself before she grabbed a peeler, and then a potato soon after. She wondered if this was what being an older sibling was like, since Sasha had the cheekiness of a younger, rascal-like sibling. Whereas Mikasa on the other hand, was the responsible one who had to put her in place every now and then.

There was one time where Mikasa had to put him into his place too when he had let his anger get the best of him, unintentionally hurting Armin's feelings. Out of the three, it was safe to say she was definitely more responsible than at least one of out of the three.

Yet it was strange, how she never once viewed him as a younger sibling like Sasha. And while she called him family, something didn't sit quite right.

He was family, but not family.

… She didn't quite understand it herself.

She just wished she had understood it sooner.

"…Now, get back to work… you don't want to be punished again, right?" Mikasa continued, shooing away those confusing thoughts before they could've given her a headache, or worse, before those voices…

Sasha flinched as memories of the unsettling past flashed before her eyes, of her having to run god knows how many rounds without dinner. Without a single crumb of bread or drip of water (other than her sweat…yikes.) Now, that was as terrifying as titans in Sahsa's mind.

"Y-Yes… ma'am…" Sasha resigned and then walked over to her station in utter defeat to boil the broccoli.

While Mikasa understood how scrumptious meat can be, the way it would just melt in your mouth if it was cooked right and at the perfect temperature, the way its flavour just sinks in deep and deeper… she didn't understand how someone could be that obsessed with it. Not to mention, even when meat was served (albeit, it was the cheap and tough type in little quantities), Sasha wasn't satisfied. Mikasa didn't bother asking what sort of meat would satisfy her, she didn't wish to hear a verbal thesis about meat.

"I just… wished they'd spend their budget on a little more meat ya' know Mika?! We do a lot of—" Before Sasha could finish her complaint, she tensed, and as if on instinct, hid behind Mikasa. A frightened look emerged, afraid that whatever or whoever was coming might've heard her outraged speech and series of complaints.

Sometimes Mikasa couldn't tell if Sasha was human, or an animal given her on-point instincts and absurd cravings.

"Sasha," Mikasa's tone grew stern. Even if a superior was coming, there was no reason to cower. They weren't training or anything, nor were they doing anything wrong… unless Sasha snuck meat in; though Mikasa was sure she had checked her thoroughly to ensure that wouldn't be the case. "If you—"

Mikasa's chide was interrupted when he entered the kitchen.

"Are you slacking?" It was a question, not a reprimand. Though to Sasha, it felt like a threat.

"N-No sir!" Sasha squeaked, giving one last tight grip onto Mikasa before she scrambled elsewhere to make herself appear busy and on task. Mikasa only sighed, as she watched Sasha stumble back to her station. She resembled a baby duckling who had just hatched, waddling about uneasily. It was amusing, to say the least.

She had heard the girl was once punished for complaining too much about the lack of exquisite meat by Shadis, who just so happened to be checking on the soldiers on duty that day. Honestly, Mikasa didn't know whether to feel pity, or just be completely done with Sasha's antics. She couldn't always be the mother duck to save her in her case.

Despite not saluting him upon his entrance, Levi moved past them, as if he was in somewhat of a rush; as if he remembered he had to be somewhere important very soon. He opened a few cabinets, in search for something.

Mikasa went back to peeling potatoes, not at all uneasy with his presence… at first. She just hoped that he'd leave soon, because from the corner of her eye, Sasha was practically smashing the carrots rather than chopping them—was she that terrified of this shortass's presence?

This strange scenario aside, Mikasa was already moving onto her sixth potato to peel, though her mind had started to drift off elsewhere… to her mother.

While her father hunted, she and her mother would tend to the farm. They had grown so many things together, and potatoes was one of them. Her mother would teach her how to peel them off swiftly and easily, she would teach her the safest way to wield a knife so she wouldn't get hurt in the process—for cutting fruits and vegetables, of course. It was such a shame that she hadn't been old enough to learn all her mother's recipes.

The things Mikasa would give to go back to that serene life were immeasurable.

The things Mikasa would sacrifice to eradicate all the evil and titans alike that dared threatened the peace she wanted so badly for her loved ones were unimaginable.

A familiar scent interrupted her thoughts. She snapped her head upwards, away from the half-peeled potato and towards Sasha's direction, who was still brutally slaughtering the carrots. And then she turned a little more, to see that he was still there, staring at jars of tea leaves that the higher-ups gave them when they requested for meat. To say the least, the substitution didn't make Sasha happy, much less contented at all. (In Sasha's honest opinion, that couldn't be considered a substitution at all!)

He appeared troubled, and dare Mikasa say indecisive.

Mikasa didn't understand what was with his inability to decide, it was as if he got sucked into another world from the way he looked. And from the looks of it, he was struggling between choosing which of the two different types of tea leaves he found to make.

Ah that's right, Mikasa thought back. We grew tea leaves and flowers too… and we'd brew some of them for father when he was str—

"M-Mikasa…" Sasha stuttered, limping her way towards the raven, carrying a bowl of mush. "I…I'm done making mashed potatoes…"

It took exactly three seconds for Mikasa to process what Sasha—who was carrying a bowl of orange 'potatoes'—said. In the first place, mashed potatoes weren't on the menu that day. Then, it took her another three seconds to find the root of the problem.

Not wanting to put more than a hundred soldier's stomach into jeopardy, she made her way to Levi who still couldn't make a decision. If it were anyone else, they probably wouldn't have understood why choosing which tea to brew appeared to be almost like a life-or-death situation for him

However, it was Mikasa. She could be sensitive to these sorts of things. And taking everything in account, like what she had witnessed from the kitchen all those times, she could've guessed the root of his problem. It was an inkling that she was almost sure to be a fact, about why it took so long for him to decide; why he was that immersed in something as trivial tea, why he wavered between those two different types of tea leaves, which had their respective health benefits and properties.

"Mix them both." She suggested, although it sounded more of a threat, wanting him to get out. Definitely, her sensitivity had its limits—she didn't want his indecision which caused Sasha to be in a frenzy to be another possible root problem for any soldiers' stomach later on (she didn't wish to be the reason for anyone's stomach aches or wore, food poisioning). "And then add that, and that." She added on, pointing to other ingredients on the shelves. "Once you're done, please leave. Your presence is a distraction." Mikasa mentioned, motioning to Sasha who was trembling in the corner, she didn't like the tension between those two. She didn't want to be caught in a crossfire, nor did she want to receive a punishment from him due to Mikasa's curtness. The last thing she wanted was to run ten rounds without food… again. The horror.

Levi frowned, displeased and offended by Mikasa's rudeness. "Oi—"

"My mother used to make that for my father whenever he had a stressful day." Mikasa interrupted, sharing a vague fragment from her past, albeit a little reluctantly. She just wanted him to leave, the clock was ticking and the last thing she wanted was an angry herd cursing at them impatiently, demanding for their meal that would probably be done quicker and more properly in his absence.

The silence in the room grew to be palpable despite it only being less than a minute since Mikasa worded out her advice. She watched as Sasha's terrified expression simmer into genuine surprise after what Mikasa shared.

She watched as Levi's eyes widen briefly in almost the same surprise that Sasha had, before instantly settling back down to those grouchy eyes of his.

Was it that hard to believe that Mikasa could be nice, even to him?

"Watch your tone, brat." Was the first thing Levi said after adjusting himself. Despite his clear disapproval he had of the way Mikasa requested him to leave, he had taken her advice. He grabbed a bit of this and that as per Mikasa's instructions, and then left without looking back. And to Sasha's relief, not issuing any punishments. Perhaps that was his own way of saying 'Thank You'.

Finally… Mikasa thought, sighing in relief. The carrots won't have to suffer anym—

"Oi… Mikasa," Sasha called out, "…Since when were you so buddy-buddy with captain?"

Mikasa's irked expression said it all, accompanied with a glare and displeasured look at the mere idea of being 'buddy-buddy' with him. Sure, after some incidents and encounters, she started to respect him as her Captain, even if she would make some jabs here and there (like being the only courageous one to call him a shortass). However, the idea of being 'buddy-buddy' was…

In an instant, Sasha took back her words and swerved at least five feet away from the raven, holding a ladle up with her trembling hand in defense, her eyes frantically looking around for a pot to act as her shield. Evidently, she feared the wrath of Mikasa. Her specialty was slicing meat after all… and Sasha desired not to be on the menu.

Not wanting to create yet another distraction away from their current task at hand, Mikasa took a deep breath and offered a more relaxed look, eyes averting back towards the chopping board. "It's not like that." She explained. "I just…" She wanted to mention the carrots, but hesitated and found herself puzzled when she realized that that wasn't exactly the first thing that came to mind. Their bond. She thought.

While Mikasa knew her heart could only have so much room, and that she could only care so much but for some reason… she wanted to… help their bond? Was that it? Mikasa didn't understand, nor could she articulate it. They were practically strangers to her, her superiors that is. Comrades and maybe acquaintances at most. So why did she care so much?

Or was she longing for something she didn't completely have? So, she lent a hand to someone who had it; that was in his reach? Was it pity? A moment of compassion? Granted, Levi's tea predicament appeared to be trivial and wasn't the most important thing to solve, but still… she…

Why was she trying to preserve or rather, help a bond that wasn't hers? She was already struggling with her own.

Because, sure, that emerald-eyed man did care about her… but sometimes, his worrying fixation of titans blinded him and not to even mention those damned voices—

"I'll wrap that scarf…!"

Or… maybe not.

Mikasa didn't know anymore. And sometimes it felt like she didn't know him anymore.

And as more time went by, 'sometimes' became 'most times'.

It was awful.

Because even if she was physically near him, loneliness still loomed over and consumed her whole from time to time.

Why… was that?

What am I to him? What is she to him? What is he to her? What is she to her? What is he to him?—she never dared let these thoughts even linger in her head too long whenever she noticed a bond. (It wasn't like Mikasa was stalking them, or anything. She just happened to… notice. And sometimes, she noticed a little too much. Those bonds. She didn't mean to, really. It just happens. And sometimes, she would extend a hand to them if it didn't trouble her all too much. She didn't understand nor know why.)

While Mikasa wasn't completely great at understanding her own feelings and articulating them, she…

"You just…?" Sasha prompted.

"…I just didn't want to eat mashed carrots." Mikasa nodded towards the orange mush.

"Mashed carrots?! W-What are you—" and that's when Sasha noticed, her face paling in horror. "AHHH OH NOOOOOO!"

While Sasha's panicking was frankly distracting and disturbing, Mikasa's mind found itself forcing more burdensome questions and thoughts in her mind. It was irritating, because she didn't like how not only were they unanswerable, but how they left her with even more questions.

For one thing, she couldn't help but think if he was ever like that—like that indecisive shortass. If he ever thought about the people surrounding him, and if he did, why did he still run so far away? Even when they were kids, sometimes he…

In the present, that singular thought of him being so far had never been so excruciating relatable and true, it was awful.

Awful. It was horridly, achingly awful.

… As for her, she did, sometimes. She thought too much, sometimes… most times, about the people she cared about… about him.

After all, she lo—

.

.

.

There had been another time Mikasa chanced upon a more intimate moment between them. Though, not in the kitchen this time.

It wasn't like she was trying to purposely intrude; much less be a nosey busy-body.

Why the world decided to have her have all these coincidences, witness all these things and understand some of them (but not all) was a mystery to her.

Though, she couldn't decide if it was a cruel thing or not. Not just for her, but for them too.

That particular day, she had set out the moment the sun started to set. The sky turned orange. Despite lectures and protests from her friends, she decided to go retrieve some firewood by herself since they were running out.

And that's when she saw them, looking exhausted as they just finished what appeared to be a spar

She had heard Captain Levi and Hanji had left earlier in the day to settle some things; she didn't expect them to be sparring, fighting one another in a hand-to-hand combat. Then again…

They were no longer fighting just titans.

That was when she saw Levi approaching her, probably murmuring some sarcastic remark given how Hanji had jolted at that, shooting him an exaggerated but comical offended look, then looking up to him—to only find him so close. His hand reached out, removing something that looked like a leaf off of her bushy hair.

Whether it be the sun or not, this fact remained: their cheeks were red. Redder than the sun could ever be.

Mikasa turned away for the sake of privacy, out of respect.

She decided to head elsewhere, towards north to find another place for chopping wood. She didn't see what happened next; it didn't concern her. Not at all.

But she couldn't help but think, as she clasped the red scarf tied around her neck tightly, how close they were together.

It must be nice, she sighed. All I want is to be by his side and yet, he… he's always moving further away from me… She looked up at the sky. To some faraway place, out of my reach…

And that scares me.

It scared Mikasa, to ever come to terms with this frustrating voice in her head that would from time to time remind her that both his fate and death were tied together; that it was an inescapable fate. It scared Mikasa, how that same voice grew more foreboding as more time went by, rivalling the harsh winters ahead of them.

It scared Mikasa, that haunting voice…

From a distance, she hears a warm voice calling out to her with much worry.

She dropped the axe in her hand. Her legs started to grow weak. Everything started to spin.

'Mikasa…? Mikasa! Oi! Hey!'

Her vision began to blur.

He catches her before she could collapse. 'I already told you to… Oi! Mikasa! Stay with me!'

Everything starts to darken, everything starts to fade and Mikasa hates it because unlike that haunting voice, his sounds like home. She wants to hear him call out to her again because she doesn't know when would be the last time. She wants to hear him say those words again.

Stay with me.

Oh… don't you see?

I want to. I really want to. But you're making it so difficult…

Please, Eren, come home.

That voice, it scared Mikasa.

It scared Mikasa that one day, it might all be true.

Though, whether it was a good or bad thing, whenever those voices intensified, it triggered her headaches. Then all she heard were noises that were too inarticulate for her to make out. Maybe it was for the best, because a part of her didn't really want to know. Or maybe it was for the worse; maybe those voices had a point and was trying to warn her and not scare her.

Either way, it hurt. It all hurt. She wanted the pain to go away and had once nearly crossed the line in order to rid herself of that pain.

However, after that incident at Hanji's office regarding those painkillers, Mikasa gradually learns that there are other ways to quell pain. Better ways, as compared to that bottle of temporary relief.

Needless to say, the things that voice said looked like it was going to become a reality, much to Mikasa's dismay. Because now, he was far away. So far. And she didn't even know what he was doing, or if he is still… him.

What am I to you?

She wondered if that question meant anything to him at all, if her answer had meant anything or if some trifle or major things would've been different had she given a different answer.

She wouldn't know. Because till now, she was still searching for that answer.

What am I to you?

She couldn't run away from those questions, not anymore.

She desired answers. So desperately. For everything.


"Mikasa?" Hanji's called out when she noticed her spacing out.

"Do you want a sip?" She asked, passing the cup towards her direction. The scent of something that almost resembled home started to diffuse into the air, surrounding her now. The only difference was the faint mint aroma.

"Levi said it helps you… relax." Hanji smiled, as if recalling something sweet.

Mikasa didn't respond.

"Mikasa?" Hanji called out again, frowning when she finally taken notice of her distressed look. "Is something the matte—"

"What is he to you?" Accidentally, those words fell out her lips before she could even think twice.

An interrogation ensued.


Author's Note:

Hello! Originally, I wanted to post this yesterday. However, when I re-looked at it I decided to add some things, delete a few to only add them in the next and last chapter. Why Mikasa sprung that question ever so abruptly on Hanji will be explained in the next chapter; which will also (hopefully) show a mini bond forming between them wooo. I hope to explore Hanji's and Mikasa's growing friendship more in depth in the future!

Also here, I would like to apologise because I felt like I struggled describing and failed to fully and properly describe Mikasa's feelings in regards to the part of her wondering why she wants to help Levi and so on. Perhaps it is because I struggle in that aspect to after some stuff that had happened in my life. I don't want to go to deep into it. Basically, it's just that feeling where you want to help someone with their friendship with someone else not just because of your own consideration, but it's just a heartwarming feeling and like it's just nice and... idk man LOL it's hard to explainnn ;;; i hope you get my point HAHA

On another note, a Guest commented here asking about my next update for my other fics. Please read the Author's Note in the latest chapter(s) as it states them! But for convenience sake, I'll very vaguely explain it here: This year will probably be one of the most busiest year for me. So I myself am not sure when I can update. I will try my best to make time, though!

That aside, thank you for reading! Please Leave A Review, Constructive Criticism is Welcomed!